Tell me, Count Olaf, the lies you've told your children - chance to win £300 voucher NOW CLOSED

[CountOlaf]

My dear MNers,

It is I, Count Olaf. Those fools charming fellows at MNHQ have temporarily allowed me to take the reins, and while I have them, I propose that - rather than your usual milksop fare (driveway parking, houmous, and whatnot) - we discuss something rather more meaty.

I want you to tell me the terrible lies you have told your DCs.

By 'lie' I mean, of course, an intentionally false statement - rather like the fiendish zinger I have (thus far) got away with telling those wretched Baudelaire orphans, following the tragic (boo hoo ) death of their darling Ps: that is, that I have their very best interests at heart, and certainly did not become their guardian with the sole intention of getting my hands on their sizeable inheritance. To which end, I have, as some of you may already be aware, developed a suite of cunning disguises to prevent them from wriggling from my grasp.

So do tell - what are the magnificent lies you have told your DCs. Maybe you've told them a single bed has plenty of room for 3 DCs to share? Or that rocks are toys? Share your devious methods below and I will reward one of you with a £300 voucher...but only one of you, of course: life isn’t fair!

Yours ingeniously,

Count Olaf

Standard Insight T&Cs Apply

That the reason I had to buy 4 extra packs of tree decorations and 2 extra Advent calendars was because Santa needed extra for his sleigh when in fact I'd snaffled them

I have a particularly fussy eater dd age 3 I make every dinner with hidden veg sauce this is where you take 4-5-6 however many different types of veg you have a wack them in nutri bullet before mixing into bolo mess or curry or lasagne etc... Now here's the lie I put one hand full of normal chopped onion and carrot in just so I can fish them out for dd and say ok ok now it's got no veg in it. Lol the child who won't eat veg gets about 7 portions a day and is none the wiser.... Does that make me a bad mom?

Oh yes and the tooth fairy only comes to get nice clean white teeth. Keeps them brushing stops them fussing! Win win... Plus loads more too many to remember

When my dd started at her secondary school (the worst school in the city) she came home with a lot of "gangsta" slang that dp and I didn't understand. We invented our own to prove we were still one step ahead of her and pretended we knew a lot of street terms that she didn't know, e.g. The Fazza meant family....we still use it 6 years later, I'm not sure if she has twigged yet that gangsters don't actually say this

My DC thinks I am 10 years younger

I've told my son that if he keeps eating his own bogies it makes a bogey monster inside him which will pop out when it's big enough and eat his Ipad

The light is flashing on the ride at the supermarket to tell the staff it needs fixing so you can't go on it.
Can't go to soft play today because it's closed.
There aren't any chips in the freezer.
You have to hurry up otherwise nursery won't count you in time and there won't be enough lunch and dinner for you.

I think my DC are too wise to fall for the bogey monster, unfortunately. I'll try it next time I catch them.

I do the "if you're late you won't get lunch" thing. In reality, they have to get a late slip from the office so that the dinner ladies know that there's one extra.

That when they collect the Christmas tree (for recycling) it actually goes to a magical Christmas tree where it gets looked after all year.

I've told my two DC (3 & 5) that Father Christmas has a brother called Father Birthday and unless they're good he won't bring them their presents.

Works particularly well with two January birthdays as christmas is fresh in their minds!

I also tell them if they unscrew their belly button their bum will fall off.

It's not the Ice Cream man, it's the potato man

Clearly CountOlaf works for the Dailŷ Mail seeingas they've mined this thread.

Most grown up chocolate has nuts in, so unfortunately he'll not like it

Told my son that my Ben and Jerry's Caramel Chew Chew ice cream was made with mushrooms, so he wouldn't be tempted to scoff it while my back was turned.
Well, some things are sacred.......

When DS was 3 he had a dreadful cold and just would not wipe his nose. Christmas was approaching so I told him Father Christmas did not bring presents to boys who did not wipe their nose. Poor DS - every single time he wiped his nose he would say, "You watch Father Christmas, I wiping my nose, you bring my presents." I did reassure him that I was sure Father Christmas was impressed and would bring his presents as he was wiping his nose so well.

I tell my children that Father Christmas leaves them a vegetable in their Christmas stocking each year in place of gifts when their behaviour has fallen short of the expected standard during the year.

I had forgotten we had even told this lie dd (16) came home from college and announced she wasn't speaking to us. Further probing from us and huffing on her part she declared she had refused an offer of a Lion bar because it had nuts in. Sadly this revelation also led to questioning about other "nutty" chocolate. I apologised whilst feeling a sense of accomplishment on the chocolate that had been declined over the years.

I've remembered one my parents told me as a child.

They told me that on Halloween night a wicked witch flies around tapping on bedroom windows to get the attention of small children. If you hear a tap and look out of the window then she'll take you away forever.

5yo me totally bought it and believed fully in this window tapping witch.

Halloween rolled around and they put me to bed as normal. Once I was settled they went out into the back garden and got the clothes prop (a long wooden pole for propping up the washing line, in case anyone doesn't know what one is). I can just imagine them there, prop in hand, giggling in the dark.

They used the prop to tap on my bedroom window. I nearly shat myself and screamed loud enough to wake the neighbours.

We recently had carbon monoxide alarms fitted in our house and I told my three noisy sons that they were noise pollution monitors! They monitor the noise in the house every day and send our 'landlord' a weekly noise chart! They totally believed it - I'm sticking with it, it's only been a month and it's a lot quieter here!!

We're late.
It's late- time for bath! (At 5.30 when bath is normally 6)
Father Christmas will deliver your stocking.
Oh, and 'that joke is sooo funny!'

That Mummy and Daddy do boring jobs after bedtime. Ds goes to bed willingly, knowing all he is missing out on is dull adult jobs. I don't know what to do when he realises it's when all the best snacks come out and the fun things shows come on!

I used to tell my youngest daughter that Mummies had to drink lots of wine because it made them clever. When her teacher subsequently told her that she was a "clever girl" she suggested that she must also drink lots of wine like her mummy!

As a result of her "Imagination Library" reading initiative being adopted in our area (some years ago) I convinced both my children that Dolly Parton is their benevolent auntie who generously posted them books each month as babies. They've never questioned why they are yet to meet Auntie Dolly in person and I like to keep the fantasy going! They even recognise her in photos.