Tell me, Count Olaf, the lies you've told your children - chance to win £300 voucher NOW CLOSED

[CountOlaf]

My dear MNers,

It is I, Count Olaf. Those fools charming fellows at MNHQ have temporarily allowed me to take the reins, and while I have them, I propose that - rather than your usual milksop fare (driveway parking, houmous, and whatnot) - we discuss something rather more meaty.

I want you to tell me the terrible lies you have told your DCs.

By 'lie' I mean, of course, an intentionally false statement - rather like the fiendish zinger I have (thus far) got away with telling those wretched Baudelaire orphans, following the tragic (boo hoo ) death of their darling Ps: that is, that I have their very best interests at heart, and certainly did not become their guardian with the sole intention of getting my hands on their sizeable inheritance. To which end, I have, as some of you may already be aware, developed a suite of cunning disguises to prevent them from wriggling from my grasp.

So do tell - what are the magnificent lies you have told your DCs. Maybe you've told them a single bed has plenty of room for 3 DCs to share? Or that rocks are toys? Share your devious methods below and I will reward one of you with a £300 voucher...but only one of you, of course: life isn’t fair!

Yours ingeniously,

Count Olaf

Standard Insight T&Cs Apply

I'm completely straight with my children, apart from ...
I know your dad is supposed to see you today but I think he's been called into work on another emergency.

They were heart broken when as teens they tried to get in touch and I had to tell the oldest the truth.
We kept it like that until his younger sister did the same at 14.

This went on for around 10 years :( but was worth it to save them the heartbreak of being rejected at an age where they didn't know how to let blame lie where it belonged.

( He had access at anytime, then he reduced it to Saturday 6 hours, then fortnightly for 4 hours, then monthly for four hours... then laughed at me when I called him to remind him he hadn't seen them and this was the 7th week ... he's not my baby sitter )

I told them that only very old people die when they were very young and first started asking questions about death.

They are older now (youngest is 7) so they know that's not true.

I've told my 5 year old boy that if he doesn't tidy away his Lego at the end of the day that all the minifigs/cars/trucks etc come to life and will leave the house and find a new house where someone tucks them up safely every night

During the summer holidays I had promised my 3 and 5 year old that we would go to the beach,it was raining on the day and we couldn't go. I told them that the beach was closed , in fact the whole of the Northumberland was closed ... they believed me!

I told my DC the SAS were Special Army Sharks that hunted baddies in the sea

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One my mum told my dad.

If she was frying eggs and one broke she would call out,"sashh's dad, sorry it's your egg that's broken'.

Dad dutifully ate the broken egg. Mum knew it was a joke, I did, my brother did, we all thought dad did.

I was about 18 and cooking eggs, my dad was in the kitchen and a yolk broke so I said, "oops broken one, that will be yours then" At that point he realised that for 20+ years he hadn't been unlucky with fried eggs just that he had been given every broken egg.

I plead ignorance when asked where certain (old, broken or crap) toys have gone.

I feign confusion at the confectionery aisle in supermarkets and tell my 2 year old DD that we don't buy that sort of thing as no-one in the house eats them.

Recent one to poorly DS2 (2 years old) who HATES taking medicine are "if you don't drink all your milk you will have to have some medicine". He drinks all his milk not realising the meds are in the milk.

Not my lie, but one my great-great-aunt used to tell me. She lived in a very old cottage with a rambling garden that she used to let me grub around in when I was very young (below 6). And because it was an old cottage, it had a lot of "treasure" in the flowerbeds - bits of broken Victorian pottery, for example, and a lost ring.

And chicken bones, where her grandmother (my great-great-great-grandmother) whose home it had also been, used to lob the Sunday chicken bones out when she'd extracted every bit of use from them. Well, I used to find these fragile bits of bone and, excitedly, take them to my aunt. Who would sit on the doorstep with me and, as I found other bits of bones, would arrange them into what I can only describe as a tiny human form. Because those little bits of what I now know were chicken bones, were the remains of fairies and pixies who had once lived in the garden and helped where they could...

She didn't realise at the time that I believed her wholeheartedly - did for years, in fact - but that she was also fostering a love of archaeology and history in me. Essentially, at the age I was then, my career path had already been chosen. And all to get me to weed her flowerbeds and turn the soil over to air it because she couldn't manage it any longer and no one else would

The ice cream van is actually the cabbage van. It sells vegetables. She now excited cries, 'the cabbage van!' When she hears it. I probably should correct this one before she does it in front of friends.

When my DD was recently having trouble getting to sleep in her bed, we talked about why and she told me she was afraid of bad people coming up through her window (she lives on the first floor so they would have to climb I guess). So I told her that before she was born, I had a very special job. I used to guard the Queen! I told my DD that I would stand outside the Queen's window at night, every night, for ten years. I finally became old enough to retire at the grand age of 25 and the Queen gifted me with my very own guard for our window at night. With one condition -- the guard must work in secrecy and never be seen. But we can be assured that the guard is there, looking for anything out of the ordinary!
DD did manage to get through the night in her own bed!

Only Father Christmas can bring chocolate cereal.

That your eyes change colour slightly for a few seconds when you lie-which is how I can always tell, by looking hard at them, when they are fibbing.
It's worked surprisingly well as they both even now narrow their eyes or look away when they are not being truthful about something so I 'can't see the colour change' . In doing so they look massively shifty so I can always tell, which just proves the theory to them even more.
I wish it was true actually-life would be much easier to navigate!

Not mine but I was talking to a friend about how I hate junk modelling you have to keep and she said her little one's daddy just loves it so he takes it ALL to his office to keep forever (by coincidence the kids never go to the office lol)

My husband told our daughter that we chose her at an old style sweet shop as she was the best dancing baby on the shelf (in an old fashioned sweet jar). She would for ages after keep breaking into crazy dancing asking if she had 'danced like that'. She was quite disappointed when we told her she was having a brother that she was not going to be able to go to the shop and choose the baby that danced like she had done!

Also, she is a huge Darth Vadar fan and has a 3ft toy of him. One morning her dad came down to go to work and knocked over her lego building she had spent ages making...he snuck in her room, grabbed Darth and found a hammer and staged it so Darth was the culprit. She thinks it was just Darth being Darth.....

i tell them that the foods that I don't want to share are 'spicy' so they don't try to eat it! lol

This year I wrapped empty boxes up and put them under the tree. Whenever he was naughty and ignored my warning I'd throw one in the big dustbin or on the fire. It only took a couple of times to work.

What to do now Christmas is over!!? 😂

The ice cream van only plays music when it has run out of ice cream.

Driving through Lincolnshire the fields had obviously just been sown as there were hundreds of carrier bags on sticks to keep the birds off.
I told DS that was where Tesco grew their carrier bags. He was enthralled and believed me completely for several miles until it finally dawned on him I was pulling his leg. He was 10

When DS1 was nearly 4, we went abroad on holiday. The only cheese he would eat at the time was Babybel. The resort supermarket did not sell Babybel (unsurprisingly). We had planned a lot of cheese sandwiches for lunch (saving money). We therefore bought Edam and told him it was "Spanish Babybel." He ate it without a murmur (well, it did have the red skin...).

The house alarm sensors in the rooms (red lights that come on when you walk around) are connected to Santa so he knows if you're being good/bad all year.

That mixed herbs is actually monster flakes and if sprinkled at the door ways it makes monsters super happy so they are really fun and not at all scary.

Also that is supercool to eat monster flakes as you'll become just like them. Works wonders when my kids refuse certain meals. But it's got monster flakes!! It's one of their favourites!! (Whilst sprinkling it on quick!).

Also that the tooth fairy gets very tired so it's kinder for us to leave the tooth downstairs to save her flying up all those stairs!

Black sheep were born at night! (Thanks MIL!) It is so the wolves can't see them.
Ones with black heads were on their way out when the sun came up!