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Should you know where your 11 year old is at all times? £2 charity donation for every answer

264 replies

AnnMumsnet · 03/08/2013 09:26

We've been working with the charity Railway Children with the help of Aviva and they would like to know how you tackle the difficult balance of keeping your children safe and giving them enough freedom.

In particular they'd like to know:

Our ability to keep in touch with where our children are and what they are doing is greater than ever because of mobiles, but as we relax our hold on them and allow them to have greater independence how can we ensure that they stay safe and make the right decisions?

At what age do you allow your children more freedom and independence and what parameters do you set them?

What discussions do you have with your children about safe behaviour, safe people and safe places to encourage them to keep safe when they are away from the home?

Aviva have kindly agreed that they will donate £2 to Railway Children for every valid comment posted on this thread (up to a maximum of 3 times per user). Railway Children work with UK children who have run away from home and end up living on the streets. Part of their work focuses on preventative education, encouraging children to think and talk about safe people and safe places to help them to make the correct decisions when they are away from the home. You can find out more about the charity and more ways to get involved here

thanks MNHQ

PS please note your comments may be used on the Railway Children pages on MN as well as elsewhere.

OP posts:
ITCouldBeWorse · 09/08/2013 19:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kerpob · 10/08/2013 08:18

I have an 11 year old and while she's allowed to specific friends' houses or to the local shop (10 minutes walk) as yet I haven't allowed her any time just with friends, in town or at cinema or whatever. She's starting secondary school in September and I'm going to be expecting her to get the bus to and from school so this thread has made me think that I need to start letting her practice a bit. When I was 11 we were out morning to night playing with friends with no real need to let anybody know where we were.

brdgrl · 10/08/2013 11:12

At 11, DD will be expected to let me know where she is going and who she will be with. If I ring or text her, she'll have to answer immediately.
Those are our rules for DSS (15), too. Unless we've discussed it previously, he's to be home by dinner time (from a day outing) or at a pre-arranged time (if an evening thing). On the other hand, we'd rarely if ever say 'no' to him based on where he was going/what he was doing...it's about knowing where he is if something should go wrong, not about controlling him, and he knows that and is actually pretty cooperative.

I expect that kids will lie about where they go sometimes - I'm not naive enough to think I can know with absolute certainty where they are at every minute. But, in my opinion, it is important that they know that I'm checking, that I'm trying, and that there are limits. Testing limits is a normal and healthy thing (and so is enduring the consequences when you get caught!) - but it is essential that the limits are there. Of course, that's how I feel more generally - I don't understand, at all, parents who say "well, they're going to do xyz anyway, so why try and stop them?"

As far as phones - they can also pose safety issues - we've spoken to even my much older DSD about the need to stay alert when she's out, especially at night. I see way too many young girls and women who are so focused on a phone call or texting to be fully aware of their environment. Recently DSD told me that she'd been walking home from work - texting - and someone approached her and touched her on the shoulder. She was startled, because she hadn't even noticed there was anyone behind her.

DameDeepRedBetty · 10/08/2013 11:17

When dtds turned 11 they started to walk to school and back, and were, as far as I am aware, always somewhere more-or-less on the route.

dufflefluffle · 10/08/2013 11:18

I have an almost 11 year old and yes, I would absolutely know where she is at all times. That is my responsibility.

DameDeepRedBetty · 10/08/2013 11:19

The rule was I'd start worrying if they took more than half an hour for the ten minute journey, and a worried mummy is bad, as she is far less likely to make pudding. They soon learned.

DameDeepRedBetty · 10/08/2013 11:20

Although they both had mobiles, they had a real talent for forgetting to charge them up or running out of credit! They're both far more reliable now (age 14)

DameDeepRedBetty · 10/08/2013 11:22

And does that count as three valid comments Aviva? I do hope so, it's a worthwhile charity!

morethanpotatoprints · 10/08/2013 18:59

I always knew where mine were full stop, any age.
I don't think its a child thing either. Both me and dh will let one another know where we are going and what time we expect to be home. If we are going to be late we text or call. Its not just safety which is the most important thing, but common decency.

curlew · 10/08/2013 21:26

There's a huge difference between knowing what time someone will be home and knowing where they are all the time. I agree absolutely with the first, regardless of age. The second- that's more flexible. And very dependent on age.

internationallove985 · 10/08/2013 22:34

I do believe in boundaries and routines for children. However in an ideal world yes you would know where your 11 yo was at all times but sadly this is not the ideal world it's the real world and with the best will in the world you can't watch them every second. xx

curlew · 11/08/2013 09:50

"However in an ideal world yes you would know where your 11 yo was at all times"

No you wouldn't. In an ideal world an 11 year old is spreading her wings and learning independence. Which means that her parents don't know exactly where she is every second.

brdgrl · 11/08/2013 10:42

*"However in an ideal world yes you would know where your 11 yo was at all times"

No you wouldn't. In an ideal world an 11 year old is spreading her wings and learning independence. Which means that her parents don't know exactly where she is every second.*

I don't completely agree. Knowing where my 11 year old is does not in any way conflict with her becoming independent. Interfering with that might, yes.

Suppose at 11 she is heading off to the library by herself. To get there, she has to cross several major roads, catch a bus, and walk through a park with a small stream (this is hypothetical, but that's basically the route I'd have taken to the library at that age myself).

If, along the way, she misses a bus, or slips and gets her shoes wet in a stream, or gets a bit lost - those are all opportunities, as you say, to practice her growing independence. Swooping in and sorting it out, as some parents are wont to do, can hold that back. Knowing where she is, can't.

So yes, I'd want to know where she was going and what route she was taking. In the real world, I'd expect her to deviate from that route, especially as she grows more confident, and I'd expect that sometimes this would result in problems - being late, losing a library book, whatever - for which she'd endure the natural or imposed consequences - grounded for being late, or having to pay for a library book.

When she learned to walk, I was right there, watching. I didn't grab her when she started to tip, I let her fall. But I didn't just leave her alone to get on with it, in the guise of giving her independence. The shape of that changes with her age, but not the principle.

kelda · 11/08/2013 10:46

I would want to know roughly where they are - if they are at the park, if they are at a friend's house, if they have gone to a shop. I don't think they need to have a mobile phone to achieve this.

internationallove985 · 11/08/2013 11:23

Good point brdgrl. Twisted around the other way then you shouldn't need to know where they are every second as in the ideal world it would safe for them to explore and spread their wings. No argument there. x

curlew · 11/08/2013 11:44

". Twisted around the other way then you shouldn't need to know where they are every second as in the ideal world it would safe for them to explore and spread their wings"

Wow- we live in an ideal world, then!

brdgrl · 11/08/2013 12:55

I don't think anyone is saying that...

curlew · 11/08/2013 13:14

Well, if the definition of an ideal world is one where an 11 year is safe "to explore and spread their wings" then we do like in an ideal world! Smile

brdgrl · 11/08/2013 15:11

Well, if the definition of an ideal world is one where an 11 year is safe "to explore and spread their wings" then we do like in an ideal world!

Hmm

Maybe you live in a world where knowing your child's wheareabouts is limiting her independence, or where an 11-year-old child can 'explore and spread their wings' without even the most remote form of parental supervision (which does appear to be your position).

I've seen enough to know that an 11-year-old in my world still needs a fair amount of parental supervision and involvement, and yes, parents that knows, to the best of our ability, where s/he is when s/he leaves the house. If your environment is such that your child doesn't need that, you are very fortunate. But it's bit daft for you to be suggesting that this is the case for everyone, or that those of us who know better our own circumstances, are wrong.

curlew · 11/08/2013 15:55

I actually didn't say anything of the sort. As a very brief read back will show you. But hey ho.

Openyourheart · 11/08/2013 16:08

I have a 12 year old. I don't know where he is all the time. I have an idea of the geographical area he is in but that is it. He knows what time he needs to be back and sticks to it. He also has a mobile phone so I text him if I need to.

The other day he bought a tram ticket and he and his friend explored on the tram. He didn't tell me he was doing this and I didn't mind but I would have preferred him to tell me that he was leaving the town.

Takver · 11/08/2013 18:59

"I would want to know roughly where they are - if they are at the park, if they are at a friend's house, if they have gone to a shop. I don't think they need to have a mobile phone to achieve this."

^^ this I do have an 11 y/o, and I'd say that's a fair summary. If she heads out to see friend X, I'd expect them to let me know if they were going somewhere a long way away from Xs house (but not for eg if they were playing in the park round the corner or nipping up to the shop to get an icecream).

SaltySeaBird · 11/08/2013 22:03

My DD isn't even close to 11 yet but I can't imagine being happy not knowing where she is. I just don't think the world is a safe enough place.

I grew up in a very rural location and was lucky enough to have a pony. My parents were happy for me and my sister to take then off into the woods and village, often for hours. It makes me sad that my DD won't have this sort of freedom (I certainly can't afford to get her a pony!) but I don't know how comfortable I would be with it.

We do live in a semi rural location but 11 is too young to have much freedom. My niece is 12 though and I know she has a certain amount of freedom. I'd be happy with my DD going round town shopping with friends but only during the day, for a limited time period with an adult near at hand.

I'll probably let her have a mobile for very limited / emergency use only.

I'm probably really naive and unrealistic though. She is my little girl who I just want to protect though!

curlew · 11/08/2013 22:07

Salty seabird- what are you frightened of?

Zee2013 · 12/08/2013 02:09

Absolutely, of course we should know. I have an 11 year old and believe me, it comes around VERY quickly. She is still a little girl with lots to learn. I think that for an 11 year old she is very sensible, but every now and then, I realise how young she still is.
Just because she is starting Secondary school, doesn't mean that we shouldn't know where she is. Kids can have mobiles, but should follow a 'normal' route home at expected times. Anything out of the ordinary eg running late or stopping at the shops with friends, should be texted home first.