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MNHQ

Should you know where your 11 year old is at all times? £2 charity donation for every answer

264 replies

AnnMumsnet · 03/08/2013 09:26

We've been working with the charity Railway Children with the help of Aviva and they would like to know how you tackle the difficult balance of keeping your children safe and giving them enough freedom.

In particular they'd like to know:

Our ability to keep in touch with where our children are and what they are doing is greater than ever because of mobiles, but as we relax our hold on them and allow them to have greater independence how can we ensure that they stay safe and make the right decisions?

At what age do you allow your children more freedom and independence and what parameters do you set them?

What discussions do you have with your children about safe behaviour, safe people and safe places to encourage them to keep safe when they are away from the home?

Aviva have kindly agreed that they will donate £2 to Railway Children for every valid comment posted on this thread (up to a maximum of 3 times per user). Railway Children work with UK children who have run away from home and end up living on the streets. Part of their work focuses on preventative education, encouraging children to think and talk about safe people and safe places to help them to make the correct decisions when they are away from the home. You can find out more about the charity and more ways to get involved here

thanks MNHQ

PS please note your comments may be used on the Railway Children pages on MN as well as elsewhere.

OP posts:
TheOneWithTheHair · 06/08/2013 18:22

At 11 I pretty much knew where ds1 was all the time. He only was allowed to a few places and always had a time to be back.

Dd is 9 and I always know where she is.

LynetteScavo · 06/08/2013 18:35

I know where my 10yo is at all times. And no, he doesn't have a moblile phone, and yes, I do let him out alone. He tells me which freind he's going to call for, and if he's playing outside the house knows to tell me if he's going into someone's house.

I always know roughly where my 14yo is. Yes he does have a phone. I let him go out on his bike, but he always tells me where he is going. He will occasionally pop into a shop when out and about, which wasn't pre-planed.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 06/08/2013 21:42

I always know where my dd(14) and ds(11) are, but occasionally that's slightly vague such as on last afternoon of term going into town with friends. We need to get better at using our mobile phones and keeping them to hand to help with communication in these upcoming teenage years.
I think mobile phones have the potential to be a big help in keeping our teenagers safe and reassuring parents at the same time.

Eggsiseggs · 06/08/2013 21:44

Yes. Even if it is only 'at x's house until 7pm'.
Am a teacher of this age, and it would solve so many issues we have to deal with if parents did this.

sharond101 · 06/08/2013 21:52

I need to know where my grown DH is at all times so when my DS gets to 11 he will definitely be traceable.

Labootin · 06/08/2013 22:00

Dc's are returning to England from living a very sheltered bubble life abroad (where they had a full time nanny watching them contantly and a driver to pick them up 24/7) so this summer has been an intensive course in independence as ds is 11 and will be going on the village school bus to senior school.

He has a mobile (deliberately chosen to not be too flash he wanted an iPhone 5.. Not happening!) and has been out most days around the village with neighbours kids.

I have had to deliberately sit on my hands as I'm not used to him being out on his own (despite me being a 70's child chucked out after breakfast and told to come back when it's dark) I hate it but realise he has to grow up (sob) I started with tiny trips to the village shop (5 mins and one road) to 30 mins (just "hanging" out with mates) now it's up than hour (he can phone me and say where he is)

If it were up to me he'd still be holding my hand on zebra crossings but he's almost taller than me and I know I've got to get a grip (sob)

Elainey1609 · 06/08/2013 23:16

I like to know what they are doing but as moving onto secondary school you can't know where they are all the time especially as they travel to and from school with friends
I have to start trusting them with some independence
They have a phone to contact me with change in plans ect and have curfews and can still be grounded

marchart · 07/08/2013 13:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whois · 07/08/2013 20:48

As an eleven year old in the late 90's, in a 'nice' suburb but pre-mobile phones I had quite a lot of freedom.

Playing out in the immediate area between various friends houses and gardens and a field and area of woodland - no need to tell parents where I was going. Concept of 'playing out'. Knew when to be home, probably didnt always stick to it! I was 'playing out' from quite young I think, probably 6 or 7.

I had to ask if I was going to play on the playing fields at a school about 10 mins walk away.

At 10 I was going into town or the shopping centre by bus and tram with a friend.

I was being left alone for periods of time - maybe 3 hours or so.

At 11 I was not being left alone over night at all.

herecomesthsun · 07/08/2013 21:31

Yes, I think we should know where an 11 year old is. However, I think the amount of independence will vary with the common sense of the child at a particular age! I have a 5 year old (who is very bright but very accident prone) and an 18 month old. I will want to know exactly where they are for many years to come!

Personally, I was making a journey to senior school across London at 11. It involved around 1 1/2 hours travel, and at least 2 rail connections with 1 -1 1/2 miles walking. I wouldn't be keen on this for my own kids.

Of course, we didn't have mobiles, but they bring their own hazards in terms of being lost, being a target for muggers and potential for bullying. I am in no hurry for my kids to get phones (I am an old gimmer though! poor kids, with such out of touch parents)

FreeWee · 07/08/2013 21:34

I think 11 is the cusp of becoming more independent. The summer between primary and secondary would be when I would start letting my LO off the leash as it were. I'd get her a mobile phone for the first time. IMHO they don't need one before then as I should always know exactly where they are before then, and after then more approximately know roughly where they are e.g. "In town" rather than at the cinema with friend and friend's mum. But then my DD is 5 months old so I've got some time to change my mind a million times!

Sticklebug · 07/08/2013 21:46

Mostly, but DD will go to the park from say 3-6pm and I have to assume that she is there.

My DH is v uncomfortable with this. But...at the same age 11- I took 2 buses to school, with no mobiles and in the summer hols would be out for 12 hours 'in the woods'.

To be honest, I am uncomfortable too- but the stats clearly show (I am a scientist) that children are as safe today as they were 30 years ago....it is just media amplification that makes me worry otherwise....

lljkk · 08/08/2013 12:58

NO.

WhiteandGreen · 08/08/2013 15:00

No.

PenguinBear · 08/08/2013 15:04

Absolutely yes you should know where your 11 year old is at all times!! My DD1 is a little older than this now but when she was 11 I still deemed her too young to be left in the house alone or go out without telling me where. Even walking to school, I'd only let her be about 10 feet Infront of the rest of us. They grow up so quickly once they hit secondary school, why not let them be a child as long as possible :).

curlew · 08/08/2013 17:35

"where. Even walking to school, I'd only let her be about 10 feet Infront of the rest of us"

Why?

BreakOutTheKaraoke · 08/08/2013 18:31

By 11, I would think you don't need to know exactly where they are, but a rough idea- going to the park, or in a friends house. A mobile is probably sensible at that age- however much I hate that idea!

glenthebattleostrich · 08/08/2013 18:37

I don't have an 11 year old yet but do have 5 nieces / nephews around and above that age and their parents do insist on knowing where they are.

OhWesternWind · 08/08/2013 21:11

I know roughly where my eleven year old is - if she needs me she can phone, and vice versa. We live on a very safe, quiet estate in a very safe, quiet town and she has quite a lot of freedom to be out and about before 8.30/9 pm.

I actively want my children to have some independence and to be able to have some of the same freedoms I had when I was growing up in the 70s.

They know when to come back (and phones are very useful here as you can set the alarm so there's no excuse) and ground rules about how to stay safe.

PenguinBear · 08/08/2013 21:43

curlew I was a bit neurotic and full of post baby hormones at the time. She's a teenager now and I am much more lenient. Grin

Jel02 · 09/08/2013 07:27

We live in a village that sustains a primary and secondary school. My 10yo has access to a mobile phone to take out when he goes to the park (5 minute walk away). He only goes with/ to meet friends. He phones when he gets there and phones when he leaves at a set time. We usually don't let him out for more that 45 minutes without him making contact with us and he had be home after 1 1/2 - 2 hours. He can call on 3 friends who all live near the park but he has to let us know if he's staying there. His friends are all allowed out for longer and further. All have access to phones and one friend is allowed out all day all around the village, often until 8.30 - 9pm at night without access to a phone.

LittleMissSnowShine · 09/08/2013 10:07

I think you do need to start giving a little bit more freedom and trust to your DCs when they are heading off to big school, aged 11/12. They need to be able to get used to getting buses on their own, being responsible for remembering their own homework, have the capability to come home on their own after school and have a snack, even if you'll be back half an hour later.

At the same time, as a parent I think you would still really want to be keeping tabs on where they are. If they are at a friend's house, I'd want to know which friend and whether their parents are there. If they are going to the cinema, which cinema and what time does the movie finish. You can't breathe down their necks 24/7 but ultimately the buck stops with you and your DCs need to feel like there is someone watching out for them.

lljkk · 09/08/2013 14:17

This poll is meaningless because we are all interpretting the question so differently. I took it literally (AT ALL TIMES, within a few metres), others take it metaphorically ("if I know he's out playing somewhere within half a mile that's good enough to say I know where he is").

Trills · 09/08/2013 14:20

No, not at all times.

e.g. "Gone to Sarah's house" could actually include a trip to the seaside or to the park or to the shopping mall, and that would be perfectly reasonable.

Arcticwaffle · 09/08/2013 14:49

I don't know where my 11 year old is all the time. She is sensible and mature for her age (nearly 12 now). She is capable of going on the bus and train on her own, she has a mobile she mostly takes with her, and she'll go into the nearby city (quite a calm little city) on her own. I don't track her as she knows how to get hold of me in an emergency, what to do if she loses her purse or phone etc, how to get home on foot.

We talk a lot about safety and sensible behaviour and what to do in different circumstances - including possible grooming behaviour, and how to deal with strangers, or people you know a bit, when you're on your own. She's quite clued up I think compared to her friends.

I also don't know where my 9yo is all the time, if she goes out to play in our local area, which is quite a safe village where people do notice what's going on and talk to each other. She can be "lost" for an hour or so sometimes, it just means she's at a friend's or somewhere around. She doesn't have much sense of time and doesn't have a mobile but she knows where she's allowed to go and she seems to stick to the boundaries.