Feel sick and have no idea what to do

[badmammy]

This is crap. So crap. I don't know what to do, and desperately need some advice.

I am a regular on MN, but have namechanged for this, as it is "somewhat sensitive". Bloody understatement. I have 3 children - a 14 year old boy who has special needs - Asperger Syndrome, ADHD and Tourettes, to name a few. I also have an 8 year old girl and a 6 year old boy.

I'm going to start with the background. About 3 years ago my daughter (5 at the time) came to me and told me that her big brother had made her take her pants down and he had put his willy "in her bottom". Eldest always denied anything had happened. We spoke to our contact at CAMHS, who contacted Social Services who basically said "just keep them apart when you are not in the room". And that was pretty much that. And we have kept them apart ever since - or at least made sure they are never alone together in privacy.

Anyway - driving to school with my two youngest today and my 6 year old said "My brother makes me suck his willy". He said it has happened more than once, and that he also tries to make him use his hand on his willy. So... keep calm. We had a discussion about how eldest was naughty to ask him to do something like that, and that if anyone did again then to say No and tell me or a teacher. And then I dropped him off at school, and went to phone CAMHS for advice.

They haven't phoned back (I have phoned again, during the day). And I don't know what to do. I am so upset - I am upset for my youngest children, having had something like this happen to them - I am upset for my eldest too, because he is so odd and he is going to end up in prison or something and probably without a clue what he did to get there. And somehow I have to find something I can do to make it better. And I can't think what to do.

She knows that mumofone clearly it's just an expression she is using here..

OP you are so obviously trying to do right by all your kids - I cannot offer you any advice but I do think that they could not hope for a more level headed and loving mother. Good luck xx

Yes, it is an expression I am using Mumof1, because to accurately describe what the issue is every time I post is too fucking hard? Don't you get that? Do I need to tear my heart out and send you a photo in order to prove to you how very much this is tearing me apart and how much I fucking care?

But the sodding hyperbole and histrionics don't help. Neither does telling me it is all my fault as I should have used my crystal ball to forsee this and avoid the situation. So thank you for your oh so helpful advice.

I have no-one who can help

You have

You need to tell your dh

He needs to know to keep them apart

I have told him now. He wants to go and beat eldest. He won't though. I have said I don't want to broach the subject with eldest until we have had some advice from CAMHS on how to go about it.

But when I said I have no-one to help I meant no-one who could take eldest for a few days to give us some space.

OP I believe you - and you're right, hindsight is a wonderful thing.

I don't think you should speak to your son until you've first spoken to the professionals (whoever they turn out to be).

I never said it was your fault.

But given the issue with your dd, I would have thought that keeping ds1 from being alone with his siblings would be common sense.

I understand that with you being in the midst of the situation it may not have been as clear to you as to an outsider.

Was your daughter medically examined at the time?

They all have their own rooms, and youngest are safe. I will make sure they are safe. I can do that.

It is unpicking the whole sorry mess that is quite beyond me.

BTW, I would expect CAHMS/SS to react differently this time. Last time your eldest son was 11 I guess. Now he's 14, with a track record, that's a world of difference.

Is your husband going to be able to just let SS deal withthis? or to deal with it in an appropriate way?

is this why you didn't want to tel lhim?

I agree with strawbezza (I used to work in child protection). At the time of the first incident he was an 11 year old pre-pubescent child, his behaviour wouldn't be seen in the same light as an adult abuser.

Now it has repeated himself and he is older I'm sure this will be taken seriously and both he and his siblings should be offered professional intervention.

I feel very sorry for you, this is a horrible situation.

OP, I just wanted to echo what nevertidy said. I don't have any advice, but it sounds to me like you're the opposite of a badmammy. You've been doing all you can for your family, in what sounds like the absence of any support. And of course it is not your fault - any reasonable person can see that. It's an awful, awful situation, but fault doesn't enter into it. I hope you get some helpful advice, and find a workable way forward for you and your family.

I hope they do react differently. I need help. My son needs help.

I am terrified he is going to end up in prison one day, if he can't be made to understand.

And the little ones. They are fine at the moment. I think youngest in particular needs help. He tends a little towards the autistic spectrum himself, although not enough to pursue a diagnosis. And I have had concerns for a long time about his willingness to do what others want him to do, even if it is clearly not in his own interests. This might be the moment to tackle that too.

What happened to daughter appears to be a hazy memory of eldest "being naughty and getting told off by the lady that came to talk to me about it". It doesn't disturb her as far as I can tell. And for those who asked - no, there was no medical exam. It was never suggested. Possibly it would have upset her more for no good purpose (since they weren't going to offer help/support anyway).

I'm sorry, but your eldest needs to be removed from your home. You have to protect the 2 youngest, and he needs to be having some sort of therapeutic help to change his behaviours.

OP, to show some support here. It is easy for people to come along and flame as they are not walking in your shoes, trying to deal with what you are being told, process it and react "properly".

I don't know what you are supposed to do in these cases other than what you have - try and do the right thing by all your children.

I hope you are able to find some resolution that works for your family soon. All the members of your family. This is NOT your fault.

FWIW OP I believe you and I am really really sorry that you are going through this. From experience I know the advice you were given first time is the common advice, particularly when the children are very young.

What a horrible, horrible sitiuation for you having to deal with, when you love all of your children and have to try and do the best for them all.

thisisyesterday - yes, This is why I didn't want to tell him.

I must add that he doesn't beat the children - but that he doesn't have much of an emotional connection to eldest. Doesn't really understand him at all. And so he has the protective "must get whoever has harmed my younger children" reaction without the tempering "must protect and help older child" feeling. And I guess it is not so unusual to want to hit someone who has done this to your child....

I hope that you and your DH manage to find a solution with SS - don't have any useful advice but wanted you to know that people are thinking of you in a kind way, and hoping that you get through it all OK. You're not a badmammy, just in a difficult situation, wanting the best for all your babies

Horrible situation and I really feel for you. Doesn't surprise me that camhs didn't get back to you - but did you try the crisis team?

Take care x

I can absolutely guarantee that in every local authority I've worked in this would meet the threshold for a high level s.47 (child protection) investigation, as a teacher upthread said, it would not be uncommon for either your eldest or youngest to not be allowed home until the risk had been significantly reduced. The NSPCC worker is either massively inexperienced or stupid to suggest otherwise. This is penetrative sexual abuse, and absolutely should not be dismissed as sexual exploration given the nature of the allegation, power imbalance and history. Best of luck OP, I can't imagine the pain you must be feeling right now :( please do not leave your son unsupervised with your other children until there are professionals on hand to advise you properly.

Who the heck has linked this to facebook? I do hope that you have done so in an attempt to help someone else, rather than just displaying your prurient interest in some else's crisis to the world. Which would be rather despicable.