Feel sick and have no idea what to do

[badmammy]

This is crap. So crap. I don't know what to do, and desperately need some advice.

I am a regular on MN, but have namechanged for this, as it is "somewhat sensitive". Bloody understatement. I have 3 children - a 14 year old boy who has special needs - Asperger Syndrome, ADHD and Tourettes, to name a few. I also have an 8 year old girl and a 6 year old boy.

I'm going to start with the background. About 3 years ago my daughter (5 at the time) came to me and told me that her big brother had made her take her pants down and he had put his willy "in her bottom". Eldest always denied anything had happened. We spoke to our contact at CAMHS, who contacted Social Services who basically said "just keep them apart when you are not in the room". And that was pretty much that. And we have kept them apart ever since - or at least made sure they are never alone together in privacy.

Anyway - driving to school with my two youngest today and my 6 year old said "My brother makes me suck his willy". He said it has happened more than once, and that he also tries to make him use his hand on his willy. So... keep calm. We had a discussion about how eldest was naughty to ask him to do something like that, and that if anyone did again then to say No and tell me or a teacher. And then I dropped him off at school, and went to phone CAMHS for advice.

They haven't phoned back (I have phoned again, during the day). And I don't know what to do. I am so upset - I am upset for my youngest children, having had something like this happen to them - I am upset for my eldest too, because he is so odd and he is going to end up in prison or something and probably without a clue what he did to get there. And somehow I have to find something I can do to make it better. And I can't think what to do.

I don't understand that the advice would be to "keep them apart"

Can this really be right ?

This approach has now failed spectacularly for the second time and both your younger children have been sexually abused by their brother

he needs professional help, not put under Police Guard by his own mother. You are not the appropriate person to do that, since you are too close to him and too close to the whole situation. It is also impossible to do, unless you stay awake and watch him all night long

have you told your husband yet ?

How can you consider playmates? Sleepovers etc for your dc, as they grow older? That would be a huge problem. I feel for you. Stuck between a rock and a hard place!

coconutty not all authorities are the same you know.... Some may have provision for his SN

No the second coming, from what I gather she kept him away from the dd but didn't consider it nesscessary to keep him away from the younger child

Or any others either

Why the fuck are you turning on me? What am I supposed to have done? What would you have done - really?

Yes, thank you coconutty - he is at a bog standard comp with the difficulties I describe. Because the system bloody sucks, and unless you throw chairs and attack teachers then they are just not interested in helping. And yes, the school are aware that there were issues involving his sister a few years back. And yes, I have made sure he is not alone with his sister or other girls since then. It honestly never occurred to me that his brother would be a problem.

And yes, the advice previously was to "keep them apart" and the NSPCC have just told me that in all likelihood that is all I will be told again. But to contact SS anyway in the morning. Which I will do.

I don't know what you think I should have done differently? I mean - with hindsight it is easy to say, but bearing in mind I am not omnipotent and didn't forsee all this - what would you have done differently? And would it have made a vast difference?

badmammy, have been following this thread, but unable to post as I really have no advice.

I hope that you have told your husband now though, and that you can all work through this.
good luck for tomorrow when you contact social services. Here's hoping that this time your family will be givn the help they need and deserve

I would not have allowed dd or youngest ds to be alone with him. Ever.

How has it been over last 3 years with him? Have you had any incidents? Or occasions where he tried to get at her?

Op, don't let a few turning on you put you off posting!

OP I'm trying not to be too harsh - but an older child taking sexual interest in a younger one is not usually limited to interest in just one gender. I'm appalled that CAMHS didn't warn you about keeping all the children in the house away from eldest son.

Have you told your husband?

The op is dealing with the competing needs of 3 of her children here, which clearly makes the situation far more difficult than if the children had been abused by an adult. He was only 11 at the time of the first incident. I think some of the comments here are rather harsh.

Social services really need to do something. I expect the op's son is going to need significant professional help.

Seriously, mumof1? I think you are ignoring the fact that most people like to assume the best of their children. I KNEW there had been an issue with daughter, and followed advice to keep them separate. Even though I hoped with all my heart it had just been inappropriate experimentation,a nd not exploitation as such. No-one ever suggested to me that youngest son might be a possible target, and it just never occurred to me. And I really don't believe that if you were in my situation it would have been so completely obvious to you either.

Op have pmmed you :)
Please keep posting, i believe you

Coconutty its difficult to comprehend that SS would give that advice and then let you go on your merry way.
I'm afraid they do :( I have experience of this first hand

Second coming - I told SS EXACTLY what she had told me. Exactly what I posted here in my OP. They said it was probably just experimentation, and that the only reason it was a concern was because of the age/power difference between them.

I told the school there were concerns regarding eldest's sexual interest and inappropriate behaviour towards his sister.

I don't see how I can be any clearer.

Op.... I think you also need to speak with your son. Is your husband his bio dad?

Nothing untoward happened/attempted in last 3 years?

Badmammy, you keep saying "an issue" between ds1 and your dd.

This seems like more than just an "issue"