A request for opinions and advice regarding Amber's departure from an outsider, but concerned friend.

[Catitainahatita]

Hi.

I am one of Amber's friends from outside the SN board. We have been distressed and upset by her departure and are unsure of how to respond to it.

We know that Amber was trying to seek a solution with MNHQ for some of the problems that she has faced on the boards recently. We would like to continue this, but are unsure of how to proceed.

To be clear: We are aware that there are many, many issues here that we do not understand or know about. It is not our intention to try to do anything that would be detrimental to other users of the SN board.

For these reasons, we seek your opinions and advice. We do not wish to be presumptious or insensitive or disrespectful in anyway. We would just like to help our friend.

One final personal comment. I realise that my own participation in a recent thread here was rude and beligerant. I apologised there and do so again here. I hope this lapse of personal control can be forgotten if not forgiven.

My only motivation here is concern for Amber; although, I repeat, this does not mean that I am looking to help her at the cost of anyone else.

I really hope there is a solution that is amenable to all. Could you all give us some help on how this might be done?

Thank you very much.

lol. that was my point. i don't care if mn set up a tearoom corner on the main board. i do care if i have to think about flagging my posts in sn.

I think some of the solutions could work such as Disabled Parents or Tearoom plus a new section for SN Teens. Would SN therefore need to have a place of its own with different sections? I've always thought the SN Education thing stuck away from Sn doesn't work very well.
Apart from that I think the basic issue was very simple, its all about Censorship. I don't think the first thread should have been deleted at all, especially as it contained some very interesting posts and I think its a disgrace that it was. The second (or third?) thread about Only Positive Views of ASD Being Allowed (or something like that) was purely about the issue of Censorship.
Now I gather there are posts elswhere on MN where some of us, unnamed but no doubt including me, are being discussed, misrepresented and demonised. I can't be arsed to get involved in that ffs.
MrsF, is that YOU? I've looked for you the few times I've been involved in MN recently. Its great to find you again and hope you are all well.

Fio, quite. SN went along very well it seems for many years (I've been here for 6 years) and included several parents with AS without, seemingly, any severe problems.
mmmm, quiche.

Can I just point out that wherever a tea room is set up the rest of us can read it even if we choose not to post.

i am hungry though. quiche would be fab.

Tbh, I think this whole thread should be in site stuff, not SN. It is about finding a 'safe' place for amber and others that struggle to post. If that is not SN then so be it really. I hope that amber does come back, it is clear that she helps many people, but that can not mean that others are not allowed to post freely.

DS2, as I have said, does not have autism but the range for the syndrome he has is massive. Over eighty percent of the babies born with di-george have heart conditions, DS2 (thankfully) does not, this means that whilst I understand many other aspects of di-george I cannot help when it comes to the cardiac aspect. I can only be a shoulder to cry on and I wouldn't pretend to know what it is like - because I don't. Surely that is the same for ASD.

We cannot silence people when they are at their lowest with their children's SN.

My issue with a tearoom as a separate part of sn (and i do not have a child with sn so this is merely my own opinion) is that it creates the sense of a clique. there is a real risk that in order to accommodate one poster, you are pushing out a load of others.

Yes I agree that could be a problem if the tea room was in SN. Especially if it leads to posters who are posting on SN being discussed in the tea room.

Also agree with Davros about the SEN section.

And do think teens would be a good idea.

Or we could all carry on muddling along picking out the bits that work and ignoring the bits that don't.
My son isn't a teen yet, but I have friends who have gone through periods and LD's so could be some help there for example.

ah, you see, for puberty threads i always go to skinuk

Could something be added to the title (ie debate- like TMI gets used) at a LATER stage if a thread takes a controversial turn perhaps?

And I don't like quiche.

Somebody jokingly said we should have a flashing heart or something when the debate got heated.

I think the problem is that no-one knows what controversial is. For example someone comes on and says 'my parents are in total denial, they just say x, y and z and don't get it'. I then say 'oh perhaps try showing them Autism Every Day- it really sums up life with moderate/severe autism'.

Does that need a warning or not?

ok, reality here though, the reason amber left wasn't actually because anyone was deliberately offensive towards her though was it. She left because she wasn't able to cope with whatever it was that was written on particular threads.

If I started taking offence every time someone used the words "look" or "see" in threads would people feel it appropriate that those words be sensored? Deliberate offence is of course not on. But there does come a point at which people need to take responsibility for their own feelings, and unfortunately in some instances that responsibility means having to switch off the computer and walk away.

How do people like amber cope in the real world where they have to walk past shop windows/look at magazine covers/newspapers posters which they can't potentially switch off?

wannabe.
I agree. But I think Ambers issue is more to do with the fact that in the real world you are a lit steeled against upset. On the SN board you relax and assume you are amongst friends IYSWIM I think she was shocked in that it felt suddenly as if friends had turned against her and she therefore over personalised it and was projecting huge distress on to the people she was debating with.
I am not sure that I am explaining that well
From my perspective - 12 years around special needs and ASD support group have toaught me that there is nothing quite as vicious or upsetting as a fight amongst 'allies'.
I think we plod along assuming waves of empathy and comradeship and when someone says 'actually that is bollocks' it can feel more like a betrayal than an arguement.

Oh, you said skinuk. I thought you were thinking of smoking skunk as a coping mechanism

Good point Mrs T it could be a minefield - although I like the idea of a flashing heart or shield!!

Suddenly having your thread flashing a heart does have the potential to upset the OP's though. For example I would hesitate to post Welcome to Schmolland to someone in a bad way (even though it makes me laugh) in case it led to some flashing heart and then they might feel worried about what they said and whether they'd upset someone.

I can't manage to go to real life support groups either for my own AS or for Ds1's ASD. The prospect of being able to talk about my experiences or needs in real life is something I could not cope with. Which is why places like this online are extremely helpful for me. I need to be able to rant and I need to be able to celebrate. I like the idea of a tearoom and the SN board for teens sounds good as well.