A request for opinions and advice regarding Amber's departure from an outsider, but concerned friend.

[Catitainahatita]

Hi.

I am one of Amber's friends from outside the SN board. We have been distressed and upset by her departure and are unsure of how to respond to it.

We know that Amber was trying to seek a solution with MNHQ for some of the problems that she has faced on the boards recently. We would like to continue this, but are unsure of how to proceed.

To be clear: We are aware that there are many, many issues here that we do not understand or know about. It is not our intention to try to do anything that would be detrimental to other users of the SN board.

For these reasons, we seek your opinions and advice. We do not wish to be presumptious or insensitive or disrespectful in anyway. We would just like to help our friend.

One final personal comment. I realise that my own participation in a recent thread here was rude and beligerant. I apologised there and do so again here. I hope this lapse of personal control can be forgotten if not forgiven.

My only motivation here is concern for Amber; although, I repeat, this does not mean that I am looking to help her at the cost of anyone else.

I really hope there is a solution that is amenable to all. Could you all give us some help on how this might be done?

Thank you very much.

Agree with Fio.

Also point (2) makes me think it isn't going to work. Holland is indeed a warm piece, but is about Down Syndrome (and unsurprisingly many parents of kids with DS do identify with it). Even the wrarm fuzzy pieces about autism (Beirut, Schmolland and Autism Every Day) include some negative imagery. Which is probably why they are often more relevant to those dealing with autism day in day out. They're not nasty or negative pieces but they do have some negative imagery. So I can't really see how it's going to work. Something posted in good faith is quite possibly going to cause problems.

saintlydamemrsturnip I agree with what you said in answer to me further down the thread. TBH having looked at the other thread I have the feeling we have been "used"
I hope amber does find a safe place, but I for one don't feel much like supporting a change to sn that has been suggested by non sn topic users, this reminds me of a recent thread on site stuff where some people were playing both sides off against each other.
although I did ask for a teens topic yesterday, I have always found the sn topic very welcoming. I am a bit of an "outsider(for want of a better word) but any problems I have had with the topic are because of me not others.
so to quote fio

"I thought we all co-existed quite well before all this"

so perhaps changes could be made elswhere.

oh and I like the Holland poem

A couple of people said yesterday that amber needs time to feel better, if that is away from mumsnet then I guess that is how it should be.

SN is never normally like this, although it does confirm why some posters rarely leave the SN board. At the end of the day amber had a thread that was working for her, she was content (other people are talking to her as well) but she had a reply from HQ which hurt her more plus the death of her friends. Anybody would need time out. This is all getting silly now.

My opinion of peices of writing like Holland or Beirut is that they should be around. When I read Holland (on here) it summed up our life perfectly, it would ds2's syndrome mirrors downs, it doesn't mean that I cannot see how others would help other people. I actually keep a copy of holland in my bag, to be got out on a day when I am struggling.

Amber will come back when she is ready imo. If/when she does people will be very pleased to see her and of course help and support her. They have been doing that for a long time already.

I also agree with 2shoes and others.

I read the post's that MrsT mentioned and was very and and upset for MrsT. We all tried really hard to find a solution, what for though so we can all be discussed elsewhere.

Nods at Fio, 2shoes and Riven. You ladies talk sense.

MrsT, I still have not been able to find said post where those comments were made, and don't think I want to, but feel and on your behalf.

(FioFio if you ever want to email me to chat about it [email protected] I can't talk about it on here cos it is TMI)

I think safe corners is a perfectly possible and reasonable idea.

But they will need to be clearly labelled, explaining in what way this particular one is safe.

Because what makes a corner safe for say Amber (avoiding consistent negativity) is precisely what's going to make it very unsafe for somebody with a different condition (say chronic depression), whose needs equally need to be met.

I for one avoid all Welcome to Holland/disability-is-caused-by-society threads like the plague because I know they'll have me sobbing in a corner and incapable of doing any work that day
(not officially diagnosed depressed but suffering from trauma/flashbacks relating to dc's condition).

I could imagine there might be other posters for whom a safe corner would mean yet a third thing.

I think we do understand the issue of discrimination (as someone said, we deal with that every day)- but reasonable adjustment may need to be balanced so as to meet the needs of different people. I wouldn't want the needs of my physically disabled dd met at her school in such a way as to make life too difficult for the autistic boy in her class.

Clear labelling could make it work though.

btw I would like to extend a vote of thanks to Cati who has made a number of thoughtful and balanced posts on this thread

I also could benefit rfom a safe space, for me its being able to rant about ds1 withoutsome bugger that doesnt know our story telling us he's not really disabled, despite things going downhill with him atm I dont feel safe enough to post much here any more about him

I don't think it can be made safe in that way Peachy. Posts I made recently on here about ds1 (nothing too personal because I don't do that now) have been misrepresented on a thread about this whole issue. I can totally understand why so few people feel comfortable posting about their children on here now.

By which I mean there'll always be someone thinking they have a grasp of the situation (when actually being somewhere around clueless) making comments elsewhere that are just plain wrong (but made elsewhere so you can't correct).

Seems kids with SN are somehow everyone's free property.

I didnts ee posts anywhere els m but dont want to look so if my post then is irrelevant after whatever happened then sorry

I know MrsT its all a bugger isnt it

And I think the thing about Sn how it is atm is that we all just take it how it is and we fall out and recognise that other people have shit time aslo and it gets forgotten

sometimes on main board you see grudges carry across and all sorts of shite which I couldnt manage

I do wnder if for Maber perhaps the soluition is very simle: give discussing it a break, take the rpessure off and give it time? Presumably if she has an overlaod sit then this si ging to exaccerbate it? I know with ds1 when i try to talk to him about stressors it takes a safe space, managed environment etc or it will all go tits up.

I think that other thread is proof that a safe space will never work.

Because while that thread (and frankly I think the whole thread should now be deleted) was created in order to create a space for one poster, it has been at the expense of other posters, and their vulnerable children, about whom most of the posters know nothing.

I think amber will just have to find a way of dealing with negative posts, or perhaps learn to switch off the computer and walk away from them when it gets too much. And there is a hide thread facility so she doesn't have to come up against posts that will cause her brain to go into overdrive again and again.

Sorry, but I retract my original thoughts - I think a safe space is a non-starter.

Actually i think we have a sae space already, 2shoes runs it and does so very ell in all truth, TTR

Just an aside, something I ahve aid on seberal threads but MN if you read this

PLEASE can hide threads be amde so it takes said thread out of threads I'm on? Would be far mroe sueful then, I try and use it when something gets to me and then its still there in yer face

Would be a thousand times better

i agree peachy...you just put something out of your mind...then go on 'threads i'm on' to see the first line of a post on the thread you vowed you'd ignore....but....