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A request for opinions and advice regarding Amber's departure from an outsider, but concerned friend.

340 replies

Catitainahatita · 11/05/2009 17:52

Hi.

I am one of Amber's friends from outside the SN board. We have been distressed and upset by her departure and are unsure of how to respond to it.

We know that Amber was trying to seek a solution with MNHQ for some of the problems that she has faced on the boards recently. We would like to continue this, but are unsure of how to proceed.

To be clear: We are aware that there are many, many issues here that we do not understand or know about. It is not our intention to try to do anything that would be detrimental to other users of the SN board.

For these reasons, we seek your opinions and advice. We do not wish to be presumptious or insensitive or disrespectful in anyway. We would just like to help our friend.

One final personal comment. I realise that my own participation in a recent thread here was rude and beligerant. I apologised there and do so again here. I hope this lapse of personal control can be forgotten if not forgiven.

My only motivation here is concern for Amber; although, I repeat, this does not mean that I am looking to help her at the cost of anyone else.

I really hope there is a solution that is amenable to all. Could you all give us some help on how this might be done?

Thank you very much.

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Catitainahatita · 12/05/2009 19:00

Sorry, "the idea is to look for a compromise"

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tclanger · 12/05/2009 19:02

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tclanger · 12/05/2009 19:27

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justaboutspringtime · 12/05/2009 19:32

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sarah293 · 12/05/2009 19:36

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tclanger · 12/05/2009 19:43

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justaboutspringtime · 12/05/2009 19:43

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justaboutspringtime · 12/05/2009 19:45

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tclanger · 12/05/2009 19:45

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tclanger · 12/05/2009 19:46

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justaboutspringtime · 12/05/2009 19:47

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Tiggiwinkle · 12/05/2009 19:48

I must say I do not really understand what is being aimed for here. The original thread which upset Amber so much did not, if I recall have "confrontational language" or "overt criticism". It was simply that the subject matter uset her. No-one could have forseen that, so I do not see how any of these measures will help.

It all looks very complicated with ideas of moving threads around if they become controversial etc. And I don't think it will solve the initial problem.

tclanger · 12/05/2009 19:58

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sarah293 · 12/05/2009 20:12

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justaboutspringtime · 12/05/2009 20:22

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tclanger · 12/05/2009 20:43

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justaboutspringtime · 12/05/2009 20:44

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daisy5678 · 12/05/2009 20:50

Can see what Riven is saying. There are already so many boards for different audiences and purposes.

It does mean that people who find Amber's insights into their children useful would have to seek here out more if she wasn't on SN at all...but I still don't get what the problem is with the tearoom thread Amber set up before she left...unless I'm being really stupid.

I am and on mrsturnip's behalf that she has been made to feel shit for posting reasonable and measured opinions. OP, you have been reasonable and whatever on here, to be fair, but I do think it's ironic that the only people who've actually been overtly unpleasant in all this were you (to me, on the second thread) and then these people slagging of MrsT. Do we not have to be nice to people without Aspergers then? I think that there are some people with double standards here and I'm pissed off on MrsT's behalf that she's been made to feel like she doesn't know her son .

And that sums up the nature of a talk board. It's not always nice. That's human nature. If there's going to be a nice tearoom board for any MN user away from the normal hustle and bustle, I'm OK with that, personally, as long as it means that the other boards can fulfil their purposes and give people a place they can go to speak freely.

mary, you said "it is discriminatory NOT to make reasonable adjustments for even ONE person who has a disability". I am someone who argues for rights for disabled people day in and day out, but there are limits, unfortunately. e.g. Alton Towers and places have made most of their rides wheelchair friendly, but there are a few which aren't. Do you tear those ones down, or do you say 'there are lots to choose from - sorry that you can't go on them all - but we've tried and tried and can't make them more accessible than they are'? Nothing can be made perfect and Amber herself has said she's asking for improvements, not perfection.

Until one poem caused a heated debate, I don't remember Amber asking for a separate area or anything. Nobody is saying 'Amber, you can't come on here'; nobody is saying 'nobody cares'. People are just saying that there are limits to what can be done, on a talk board, about emotive subjects.

I am happy with this tearoom thread/ board idea if that's what people need. I don't see a problem with adding something into a general MN structure if it helps. I just don't want to see the current SN board split into 'safe' and 'non-safe' as, by its very nature, that would be controversial in itself and remove the whole idea of support for parents of kids with SN.

For me, it comes back to audience and purpose: it's a board for parents of kids with SN, and reality ain't always pretty. There will be, at times, some things that parents of kids with SN will take differently than someone with that disability, and I don't see any way round that on the SN board.

But an extra board sounds like a plan and has a totally different audience and purpose to it. So will hopefully work.

Catitainahatita · 12/05/2009 22:15

You are right to criticise me Givemesleep, which is why I opened with an apology. I repeat it now again. My contribution was uncalled for and rude. I will never be doing anything like that again. I wish I could do more than delete the comment and go back and unsay it. But I can´t. I am sorry. I have been trying to make amends to the best of my ability.

All I can do is thank you for having the decency and goodwill to post here. You are obviously a better person than I.

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thumbwitch · 12/05/2009 22:33

givemesleep, as a poster on the tearoom thread, I have been over it to see where MrsT was "slagged off" and she wasn't. There was no reference made to her at all. There was very little reference made to comments by other posters on the poem thread either.
I am that MrsT has taken offence at the few comments, but they were not aimed at her.

I think the answer to your question about why a single thread wouldn't work was given before - if more than one topic is under discussion, the nature of a single thread could make it very confusing as cross-posting is always a potential hazard.

I, in my ignorance, thought it might be a good idea to have a separate board for SN and have topics in it - so far, it has been suggested that separate sections might be good for:
teens with SN
maybe adults with SN (although I know there is adults with disabilities already - perhaps this could be moved onto the SN board)
a SN Q&A section, where people like amber can offer their experience
SEN for children at school
SN tearoom-type chat thread with non-controversial topics
and why not have a venting area?

Would that not work? If not, apart from MNHQ refusing to do it, why not - what would make it unacceptable/unworkable?

daisy5678 · 12/05/2009 22:35

Thanks for the apology.

No, I'm not a better person. I'm not even sure that I'm a good person at all most of the time. I guess we're all nice sometimes and not so nice at others. I guess that's 90% of the problem, isn't it.

saintlydamemrsturnip · 12/05/2009 22:41

So who was this aimed at then?

"Amber - I have read that thread. Please believe me - there are some people on MN (and in the world) who just have to be right, can't bear to be contradicted or educated and also think that they've got it worse than everyone else. No one would make them change their positions from the ones where they have concreted their feet to the floor. Please leave them there, stuck to their own ground and don't go near them with a bargepole!"

and this?

"The problem for people coping with LFA is that it is difficult to see things from the child/carees pov."

Erm - who was posting about children with LFA on the original thread? Oh me.

And my son was mentioned as he was the one with the riding hat which was discussed.

Please don't try and tell me that you were all merrily discussing biscuits and pouring tea.

saintlydamemrsturnip · 12/05/2009 22:48

oh and this:

"Amber: I'm sorry you've had such a bad week which has ended badly too - but I hope that this is the end of it, and you have come up with a solution that works for you - please stay away from other threads!!!! There are always some nutcases (the tearoom would be empty if there won't for one, but at least we're all nice rather than aiming to pick an arguement with anyone that dares to suggest that their life isn't worse than anyone else's.... Anyway, I'm really glad you're here - I'm glad that you're staying here"

Nutcases???

'aiming to pick an argument wth anyone that dares suggest their life isn't worse than anyone else's'. ????

Was that actually what happened because I'd like to see where? Or is this what always happens And if it's not aimed at me (and others dealing with LFA or SLDs) , then who is it aimed at.

thumbwitch · 12/05/2009 22:49

mrsT - I am not trying to say that at all. But no one on the tearoom thread had any clue that it was about you - except perhaps the poster - if it even was! Which, even though you have highlighted it again, I can't see that it is. There must surely be more than one parent dealing with LFA, not just you?
I don't recall the part about a child with a riding hat on the tearoom thread.

However, you seem to take this as being directly offensive to and about you - I am that you feel that way but I don't think there is anything more I can say that will alter your opinion.

2shoes · 12/05/2009 22:50

seeing those commets mrsT makes me wonder why people are so keen for the sn topic to be changed, shouldn't we be left to rot?