A request for opinions and advice regarding Amber's departure from an outsider, but concerned friend.

[Catitainahatita]

Hi.

I am one of Amber's friends from outside the SN board. We have been distressed and upset by her departure and are unsure of how to respond to it.

We know that Amber was trying to seek a solution with MNHQ for some of the problems that she has faced on the boards recently. We would like to continue this, but are unsure of how to proceed.

To be clear: We are aware that there are many, many issues here that we do not understand or know about. It is not our intention to try to do anything that would be detrimental to other users of the SN board.

For these reasons, we seek your opinions and advice. We do not wish to be presumptious or insensitive or disrespectful in anyway. We would just like to help our friend.

One final personal comment. I realise that my own participation in a recent thread here was rude and beligerant. I apologised there and do so again here. I hope this lapse of personal control can be forgotten if not forgiven.

My only motivation here is concern for Amber; although, I repeat, this does not mean that I am looking to help her at the cost of anyone else.

I really hope there is a solution that is amenable to all. Could you all give us some help on how this might be done?

Thank you very much.

No it's not just about me. It's about me and Davros and the rest of us who came onto the thread to talk about our children with LFA or SLD's. Me and Davros in the main on that thread.

I am looking at the bit about horseriding now - and other stuff I said about regression which then goes onto say that those of us with LFA children would find it easier to understand our kids with LFA if only we listened to those with AS.

Which has been my point all along. It is different. My son does not process or experience the world in the same way as anyone who is verbal - whether they're NT verbal or ASD verbal. This is very very clear from the literature written by those who are non-verbal.

I pretty much object to being discussed elsewhere by someone who frankly has no idea about my life - or anyone in our situation. And it appears that talking about it and explaining it is being 'competitive'.

MrsT - crossposted, didn't see your second post. I don't want to continue defending the tearoom thread because some of that particular post is pretty offensive, although I still don't see that it is aimed specifically at you.

People in the tearoom were just trying to be nice to amber, who had a bit of a brain fry over the whole thing. Sometimes rash and thoughtless things are said in the heat of the moment, but there was no need to imply that other posters on the SN threads were nutcases.

I would be whether those comments were aimed at a specific poster or not, and I can see why MrsT is annoyed. They just betray a blind 'oh-you-must-be-right-because-we-like-you-and-you're-our-friend' approach, without any real understanding of the SN board's issues.

It's crap that MrsT, who posts so well about most stuff and researches and researches to find out how the world works from a LFA point of view, has been made to feel like she has to defend her parenting.

This whole thing is like people having to show their credentials or something and I don't like it.

However, I get that the OP is trying to sort things now, which is good.

I am slow slow slow tonight... Xpost x post and probably more by the time I press post.

And I couldn't care less whether people in the tearoom knew it was about me. I know who it is about, and I read it.

It is filed in 'could do without this crap' along with 1001 other things such as DLA forms, DFG's and DP returns (uh oh is this going to be construed as 'competitive'? I mentioned things like DFG's).

I wonder 2shoes- seeing this thread arose from that one- it does rather suggest to me that the people 'helping' us find a solution have very little idea of day to day life for many of us - and aren't particularly interested.

Mrs T, I think the competitive stuff referred (with a lack of understanding) to the points that you and I (and others) made about there being differing levels of severity, and that no being a competitive thing, just a fact.

Others felt that autism is autism is autism and it was all the same thing, and that saying someone might be less affected than others was bad and wrong.

Disagreeing was then seen, I think, as competitive.

MrsT (and others) - I can only apologise if anything I have said has upset you further - that wasn't my intention, I was trying to help defuse the situation as best I could and probably shouldn't have interfered, although that was also done with best intentions.

Yes I agree givemesleep, I think that's what happened too.

I'm not sure how anyone with an ounce of understanding or comprehension of the condition could ever think all autism was the same thing, but then many don't have any understanding or experience. But think they do.

at very best the horseriding post on the teashop could be described as patronising and ill-founded. Personally and professionally MrsTurnip from her posts is enormously concerned with bringing to light the experiences of those with LFA.

Well I think we can confirm that mistlethrush is talking about me:

"I've just had a look on the other thread which had got around to talking about a 'safe' place for people. I'm at some of the comments that have arrived. And some of the comments just confirm my original impression.... I will say no more otherwise it will all be quoted back in my face."

Yes dear, that's because you're not saying it to my face.

So lets get this right.

I said nothing derogatory to Amber.

I get slagged off in return. And if I actually say what my life is like then it's competitive.

Time to go I think. I am pretty steaming.

Well I think we can confirm that mistlethrush is talking about me:

"I've just had a look on the other thread which had got around to talking about a 'safe' place for people. I'm at some of the comments that have arrived. And some of the comments just confirm my original impression.... I will say no more otherwise it will all be quoted back in my face."

Yes dear, that's because you're not saying it to my face.

So lets get this right.

I said nothing derogatory to Amber.

I get slagged off in return. And if I actually say what my life is like then it's competitive.

Time to go I think. I am pretty steaming.

oh and I missed the charming ending to mistlethrush;s post:

"Good thing that somepeople don't come in here, even if they look through the window"

Weird how half the posts on the tea room go on about how nice you all are. Really? Wow.

I had a proper look and I can see why you're

It does take the piss to be that hypocritical on that thread.

It's not my vision of a brave, new MN...and the irony that what some people are asking for is a nice, 'safe' tearoom when that 2 faced crap is going on erm, in the nice,safe tearoom thread is just beyond belief.

Perhaps some people only think they have to be nice to people with disabilities? Or is there a general meanness that can only be unleashed on certain people who they can justify 'deserving it'?

Anyway, I'm trying to remember that they are the minority, and people on this thread are not all people on that thread.

Tempted to go into that tearoom and let off a stink-bomb, but will resist and not be dragged down wand let it all get personal again.

Just for MrsT. Mistlethrush, you shouldn't comment on things you don't understand unless you want to get flamed for it.

I have just had a look at that thread. I am appalled at some of the comments. And posters from there come here and talk about a "safe space" in Special Needs?

That is really quite farcical.

Special Needs has always been a safe space. Everyone here treats other posters with respect and tries to be understanding of their problems and needs. We have had no problems until now and I do not think it appropriate for others with no understanding of the issues here to be trying to impose change.

I really think this has all gone far enough.

Thank you givemesleep and tiggiwinkle. Agreed.

I agree that not everyone is saying that stuff, but the lack of challenge is rather depressing. And then to come over here and tell us how to be nice...... The number of rows on SN on the 7 years I have been on here could be counted on one hand.

Yep. Agree.

Think MN have more than enough evidence/ opinions here to make a decision.

MrsT - Am very this has all gone the way it has. I thought the best thing would be to ignore continuation of the topic on the other thread so that it didn't kick off again. Was that so wrong? Everyone else ignored it too.

FWIW, no I don't have any direct experience with autism but I have been involved with various research and charitable bodies who are working for people with ASD and I for one do know that there is an enormous range of abilities and problems in people within the autistic spectrum. And I understood that on the original thread.

Well she's not going to stop is she if none of her friends on her 'nice' thread challenge her.

I am pretty annoyed tbh - I have made no personal attacks and could genuinely do without it.

I didn't do a stinkbomb, but the comment from Mistlethrush about liking their tearoom where and how it is made me see red, massively.Ooops. That'll be my impulsivity getting me in trouble again.

Have had my sarcasm quota for the week now.

Am moving away from MN for the night.

Okay, can we please stop this now? I'm sure that everyone is or should be sorry that they interfered where they weren't wanted, and no one should have made snidey comments about people with SN children, but this is turning into a pretty nasty situation for several people on both threads and it's not helping anyone.

I agree, things have been said that shouldn't have, I agree that people have been upset who needn't have and perhaps we could just let it lie now and go our separate ways?

night givemesleep ( I need some too we're on pre 5 am's here at the moment).
And yes best left although will point out that I said nothing that warranted attacks and seem to have a few thrown my way along with some baiting. Nice.

I started this thread in good faith. I was honest about my intentions and about my own mistake. I have apologised repeatedly and sincerely for my past misbehaviour. I am ready to continue doing so.

The idea behind a thread on this board was to ask your opinions and for your advice about helping Amber. I recognised that I did not have any experience or expertise to be of any help. I wondered perhaps if the people on the SN board could help. As I said in my opener, above all, I wanted to avoid doing anything that could be detrimental to other MNnetters, especially those who use this board.

I am very sorry that this endeavour has ended up being considered hurtful, disrespectful or hypocritical by some posters. I also deeply regret that this has somehow turned into a "them vs. us" situation for some people. It doesn't need to be, nor should it be.

Finally, I would like to thank you all for taking the time to contribute your opinions. Especially if you had reservations about me in the first place.

I wish you all the best.

the problem is not this thread- it's the blatant personal attacks on the other thread.

I see this morning that they're fine because they were said to 'help' someone. Never mind that the people they're about can read them. And never mind that they're misrepresentations. We're somehow still in the wrong.

Farcical is the word.