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Original poster

Oh Gosh - I never realised this...

185 replies

pagwatch · 31/03/2009 08:50

I saw a thread about a pregnancy with the possibilty of the chid having Downs syndrome. Don't normally click but thought the posters was looking for some support re liklihood of having a child with issues.
Anyway she is going to terminate - which of course is her choice.
But someone gently asked if she had considered the possibilty of keepingthe child and the responses were really aggressive. Then others joined in and it just seemed unessesarily hostile.
Being really dim I added that I didn't think the question was out of order but just that as the parents of children with disabilities we may have insight/knowledge that might be useful
Apparently that is grossly insensitive and terrible

Now if a woman has made up her mind I would never dream of commenting. Thats that.
But is it really outrageous and terrible and shameful to ask the question? As mothers do we not have insight into the very thing that a pregnant mother in these circs could draw on whatever her choice may unltimately be?

I was just so shocked by the hostility. It was as if the very mention of our children was offensive.

I am just going to hide that thread and avoid that topic. But the attitude was grim.
I know this is a thread about a thread but clearly cannot addthese views on there - especially as I have no doubt the OP is having a terrible time and i would not wish for a second to add to her distress. And please plaese please do not go to that thread - I am honestly not trying to shit stir - just trying to come to terms with the attitude.
So I put it here where I am hopefully amongst peers ( I very much doubt that any of the shouty contributors would have anything to do with the SN board)

Just made me glum in a way I haven't felt for a while. Thanks for letting me vent
Now please tell me why I am being foolish to be upset. Because it fely like being shameful, second class or something

OP posts:
FioFio · 08/04/2009 16:52

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2shoestrodonalltheeggs · 08/04/2009 17:02

true, maybe all of these docs should have to work in a sn school for a while, maybe then they would see the joy(yes I am all joyfull, dd made a new freind this week, a lovely girl at playscheme)

mrsturnip · 08/04/2009 17:03

Well doctors work under the medical model 'if it's broke fix it' so don't really understand LD's anyway. And look at the NHS's record with LD's.

FioFio · 08/04/2009 17:04

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mrsturnip · 08/04/2009 17:07

oh yes I remember that post. It was lovely. And sort of gets to the whole heart of the matter I guess.

Hangingbellyofbabylon · 08/04/2009 17:23

hmm, MNHQ not going to move the threads so I guess I'm stuck with avoiding the pregnancy topic completely or being reminded everytime I visit the pregnancy section of the fact that people terminate the lives of very real, very alive little babies just because they aren't perfect.

And yes, I know I can hide the thread but it still appears when I 'browse' the pregnancy topic.

mrsturnip · 08/04/2009 17:25

Oh why won't they start a new section?

mrsturnip · 08/04/2009 17:26

I mean they have a horse topic fgs. And much as like horses I would be upset reading about them in pets. Or they could have a farm topic for pets and horses.

I think a separate topic would benefit everyone - including those who terminate.

FioFio · 08/04/2009 17:27

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FioFio · 08/04/2009 17:28

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Hangingbellyofbabylon · 08/04/2009 17:28

yes but imagine - if it was called something like 'terminations' they would actually have to admit that it was a lifestyle choice rather than some act of God... perhaps it should be called.. 'the ultimate sacrfice, a mother's love..' . Aaarg! why do I let this get to me?

mrsturnip · 08/04/2009 17:30

oh ha ha I meant 'wouldn't' PMSL.

slightlycrumpled · 08/04/2009 17:30

Did they give a reason hangingbelly?

mrsturnip · 08/04/2009 17:31

oh and I meant a farm topic for chickens and horses. I think I made a mess of my analogy

FioFio · 08/04/2009 17:31

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mrsturnip · 08/04/2009 17:32

hmm that sounds a bit of a horsey noise.....

slightlycrumpled · 08/04/2009 17:32

@ mrsturnip

TheDevilEatsNestle · 08/04/2009 17:37

A mother like Alex was so good, have you read her book?

I also saw a programme recently, Natalie Cassidy's Real Britain

There was a man with DS who was going out with his cousins and friends, partying, looking for a girlfriend, just a normal 20 something, his mother was wonderful and encouraged him all the way.

TheDevilEatsNestle · 08/04/2009 17:38

I'm shocked mnhq won't move the threads, did they explain why?

Hangingbellyofbabylon · 08/04/2009 17:40

yes, they said it was because they don't like to move threads unless they are obviously in the wrong section like something about prams in gardening. Also because it 'pregnancy does sometimes end in the loss of a baby' and they wouldn't want to give the impression otherwise.

What I don't get is that most people who have a miscarriage (and I have been there twice myself) don't want to be near the pregnancy threads anymore. So I just don't get why these two threads want to be bang slap in the middle of stuff about pregnancy.

Hangingbellyofbabylon · 08/04/2009 17:42

oh and of course because mn is about 'free and open' discussion - but it's not is it? cos if any of us actually go there and try to point out they chose to terminate their imperfect child then we are chased away from the thread for upsetting the OP.

wannaBe · 08/04/2009 18:07

"Hi there

Thanks so much for contacting us about this thread:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/49/721725#14715209

We absolutely understand why it would touch a lot of raw nerves among posters in the Pregnancy topic. It is undoubtedly a controversial and emotive issue
for many, many women, particularly if they are pregnant, too.

Having said that, we don't think it's up to us to move it to another section of the boards (we generally only move threads that are clearly in hugely the
wrong place ? a thread about prams in Gardening, for example.) Tragically, pregnancy does occasionally result in the loss of a baby - either by choice
or not - and we wouldn't want it to look as though we were saying you couldn't post about it, if it happened to you.

We can see that there are some very different points of view on this thread but this kind of free and open discussion is absolutely what Mumsnet is about.
Inevitably, that sometimes means posters will be upset by what they read but, as justabout has just commented on the thread: "there are all sorts of issues
swirling around Mumsnet at all times and it is absolutely impossible to post anything on anything which will not upset someone if they stumble across it".

As you rightly say, people who, very understandably, don't want to see this thread any more can hide it. And we're currently working on extending the 'hide'
option to hide threads in the individual Topic sections, too - which should, hopefully, really help in situations like this.

All the best"

wannaBe · 08/04/2009 18:20

anyone want to lend their voice of support?

slightlycrumpled · 08/04/2009 18:25

Am just thinking of how to word what I want to say! Will post on it shortly.

Hangingbellyofbabylon · 08/04/2009 18:36

wannerbe - same message as I received.