Social services asking me to have son and girlfriend and baby living with me

[TheOchreEagle]

My son is 19 autistic and still at college and lives at home, he has got his girlfriend pregnant it seems intentionally. Social services have asked us to house them half the week in his bedroom. My partner is not at all happy with the idea. I think it could potentially destroy our relationship.

I feel so torn I don’t believe it will work his bedroom is right next to ours and we would hear every noise. He is very resistant to being told anything and i don’t think his girlfriend would be very receptive to any advice.

They both have learning disabilities so would need close monitoring which would be difficult. I work at home as well as being a carer for my mother who although currently in a care home still makes demands on my time.

Social services have said there would be support but as it has taken 3 months to hear anything i find that doubtful.

I do want to help but living with us is just too much. Anyone had any experience of this or can offer any advice.

By learning difficulties what do you mean exactly?

Would your son and gf be safe to be left alone with a baby that won't stop crying?

Would they be able to measure formula and prepare it safely?

Can they risk assessment to some extent, e.g. don't leave baby on edge of bed , he could roll off?

If the answer is no to any of those then you are becoming a carer for three people, not a helper for one baby.

Does either parent work and could afford to live independently, in the future?

In your situation I would take in the baby but not the adults I'm afraid.

Finding a residential placement for one young person is near impossible, finding a placement where a couple and a baby can go will not happen. Are there even any residential placements that offer this? If so it’s very few and it would probably mean them moving away from their family.

My dd has Autism and LD’s, she’s 20 years old, if anything like this was ever to happen I would probably have to support the baby myself as my dd would not be capable. It’s something that’s always been on my mind because these things do happen, of course I would hope it never happens.

OP, if you want to support your son then you should, if you don’t then make it very clear to SS that you won’t be supporting them in your home. Ask them what the long term plan is? Do they think your son and his GF are capable of independently raising a child? Are they planning on eventually them having their own home with people going into support? If they don’t feel they will ever be fully capable of raising the child then what options are there?
Don’t let your DP dictate what will happen, this child will be your grandchild but there’s a possibility you could end up raising it.

Excellent - can the taxpayer leave them in peace then too?

Will the baby have to go into care otherwise? If that was the case I’d agree to them staying with you. I couldn’t watch that happen.

This is an entire family being expected to pack up, move in its entirety every three days to a different household. A family where the parents have learning difficulties to add to the other challenges.

That is very different from a child moving between parents' permanent homes and even that is fraught with difficulties.

Its a dreadful start to life - even emergency accommodation doesn't move a baby or small child that frequently and prioritises children for longer term housing because it recognises the impacts on the child.

Because their parents are being effectively asked to provide the equivalent of that.

In all honesty the best thing for this child is to be adopted by a couple who have experience of children who have Sen has this child has a high probability of genetic linked autism etc. A child needs a permanent home not being shuffled between grandparents with parents who aren’t capable. The alternative is proper supportive housing, but that may not be suitable if the parents don’t have capacity to learn to live independently. Be honest with social services, would you (or jointly with the other grandmother) be willing to take full responsibility? If not adoption is the best route

I don't have a clue what they need, but if OP and the mother of the young woman have been asked to support them by having them live with them full time I'd be surprised if they are considered safe to parent without a very high level of support. Maybe they won't need that forever, nobody here knows, but at the worst end that's what would be needed

It's still better than permanent separation from their family of origin, by a long long way.

Have they been deemed suitable to care for the child? Seems to me the couple are being given into the shared care of their parents.

This is the only way the child will be left in their care.

Does the council have any plans on helping them get their own place?

I don’t see how this is sustainable for you or for them, really. They’re a family unit now, they need their own space instead of being shuffled back and forth between parents’ homes.

These two adults have potential ruined one life: the child.
if the OP takes on this life changing task it will ruin her life and her relationship with her partner.
The best option for all is for the child to be adopted.

Fairly sure the reason OP and the other grandmother have been asked to do this is because the young parents won't be safe enough to parent on their own without support and supervision so why would the council be looking to house them? Both of them are currently housed so they wouldn't come under homeless duty and social services aren't likely to support them living alone with the baby are they?

Do not do this, unless you want to end up being a carer for the baby, and possibly them, as well as your mother. The word here is No, op. You have a partner, you are already caring for your mother. Of course SS want you to take them, it’s easier for them. Don’t do it. Are this couple capable of looking after a child? They may be, I’m not assuming otherwise, but it’s a question that presumably SS are asking and considering. They need housing and support and this is not your responsibility when you already have enough on your plate.

I think they do need assessing, away from an environment where there will be others around to take over when they find things tough.I don't think the 'plan' for moving between homes and the onus on the respective mothers to make it 'work' is the solution either. The stress of constantly moving between childhood bedrooms and the inevitable tensions there will be isn't actually going to help them to succeed either.

ETA I don't think there is going to be an ideal outcome but they should be given a chance and the proposal is setting them up to fail

To what end though? Where are they going to move to realistically at the end of the assessment period?

And if they do get their own place social services will be involved.
Are you aware of how stretched these services are.
Adoption is the best option for all. Especially the child.

SS are suggesting it because it is cheapest and means SS don't have to provide anything.

Are they both diagnosed with a learning disability OP?

If so that would mean they both have IQs of 70 and below with significant limitations in independent coping, daily living skills, and social functioning across everyday environments (such as communication, self-care, and home/practical living) and certainly would not be able to deal with the fundamentals of raising a child without live in support I would assume.

I would suggest to SS that the only practical solution is that they need a supported living type set up with room for a live in support worker.

My DS has autism and a LD and was offered a long term tenancy in a 4 bed roomed house with 2 other young people with similar profiles. Support workers there in the day and one overnight. He didn't take it as wasn't ready at the time but I don't see why that can't be offered in this type of setup. If both the soon to be parents have a LD they'd be eligible for it as singles.

That makes no odds these days. SS don't want to have to do anything at all, so of course they push the problem on to family. Same as they do with an elderly person when they need them out of hospital. Always try to push the care onto family. Thats the memo.
It could be that they can manage in a house or flat with a visit a day by a support worker. They may just need some short term enablement care, where they would be helped with learning how to cook, follow routines etc.
They can attend classes, support groups with peers. There is so much out there. SS just often don't want to deal with it, especially when there's two sets of Grandparents they can bully.

The best chance this family, this child has, is to get everything in place now before it gets too much for everyone and falls apart. Which then ends up costing more anyway.

That's really not the reason they are suggesting this. They will want to keep the baby within its family of origin. Because that's best for the child, not because it's cheaper. There is no magic solution that social services will provide - it's quite likely stay with family or be adopted.

That type of supported accommodation exists for adults who need it but not to support them to parent a baby.

I should imagine both grandparents have been asked because there not only the parents but they have also raised SEN children themselves and know about their children's sen.
If this was my son and his girlfriend (both autistic) I would like to think that we would at least give them a chance, given all the parents have already bought up children with autism. Autism is a also spectrum and we don't know how far her son is on the spectrum.
The other thing is, if the child does have autism how it will feel growing away from its birth family and potentially people that understand what growing up with autism is like. My son has a lot of close connections who also have autism, he says they all understand each other - unlike me who is still learning.

Adults with a baby living with an unrelated adult who is paid to provide accommodation support and guidance.

It has been in place for many years here. Sorry if I have misunderstood what you meant.

There is no advice per se, apart from saying no and they need to find alternative housing. Id get them on your local authorities housing register. If you say yes SS wont do a thing. They need to be pushed and that is the reality im afraid.