Social services asking me to have son and girlfriend and baby living with me

[TheOchreEagle]

My son is 19 autistic and still at college and lives at home, he has got his girlfriend pregnant it seems intentionally. Social services have asked us to house them half the week in his bedroom. My partner is not at all happy with the idea. I think it could potentially destroy our relationship.

I feel so torn I don’t believe it will work his bedroom is right next to ours and we would hear every noise. He is very resistant to being told anything and i don’t think his girlfriend would be very receptive to any advice.

They both have learning disabilities so would need close monitoring which would be difficult. I work at home as well as being a carer for my mother who although currently in a care home still makes demands on my time.

Social services have said there would be support but as it has taken 3 months to hear anything i find that doubtful.

I do want to help but living with us is just too much. Anyone had any experience of this or can offer any advice.

Yes I think we are saying the same. The support these parents will require is likely beyond what can be provided by either adults or especially children's social care - adult social care is a lifelong entitlement whereas children's social work (family help) is meant to be time limited intervention. There is no funding for the type of long term intensive support with parenting that many (not all) parents with LDs would need to parent their children.
And yes I know shared lives is a national scheme. Shared lives style care for parents with children is definitely niche.

The living in two places during the week would only really work for a few months while the baby is small and portable. As soon as it is older, is mobile, needs more space, bigger toys, a secure environment it can explore and enjoy etc etc then the system is bound to fail.

What are the proposals for long term? Do SS and the gfs parents really see this being viable when the child starts school? If everything breaks down at that stage it will be so much harder on the child, there needs to be either a clean break asap or a permanent solution on offer, not a temporary set up.

Say no. Once they are in you will get nothing from SS.

Exactly. They are both teenagers with additional needs who have capable parents and functioning support systems why on earth would you push them into the care system?

pushing them into assisted living for what, living with their parents is assisted living.

if they cannot manage then the child will go into care and again the first port of call would be family as it should be.

The OP already has her hands full. It is not going to be possible for her to support two disabled adults with a child and continue to advocate for her mother, particularly while she's working. The advocacy might seem minimal to some, but it is not insignificant.

She's tried to advise her son re contraception, etc and yet he deliberately impregnated is girlfriend. There's no guarantee that it won't happen again. The situation is untenable.

If the OP collapses from the strain...

I've been in the situation where I was initially running around between work and two different households for some years and then working plus looking after two disabled adults at home. It nearly broke me.

What does your son say op? He seemingly has got his girlfriend pregnant on purpose, what is his plan?

It sounds like you would have far too much on your plate if you agree to this. You are unlikely to get much support from SS. Say no.

I'll be blunt: if you're caring for people older than yourself then there is normally an end in sight, even if that's years away.

If you're caring for those younger than you, then there is no end in sight.

Because the OP's son and his girlfriend are adults. They are adults who made a decision (or a mistake) that is not the OP's responsibility.

People are not legally responsible for their adult children's behaviour or for any grandchildren those adult children produce.

It's not as if the OP has any power (or right) to stop her adult son from having children. She is no more responsible for her adult son's choices than he is responsible for hers.

That is why the state does, and should, step in. Civilised societies recognise that it's not reasonable to punish adults for the actions of other adults and that it's not always possible, for a thousand possible reasons, for adults to assume the burden of other adults' decisions just because they happen to be related, and they provide some form of safety net for this reason.

We don't expect parents to pay their adult childrens' unemployment benefit if they lose their jobs, or to pay their child benefit every time they have a child. We expect the state to cover it. This is exactly the same principle. The state steps in because it's in the best interests of society as a whole.

No, I would refuse. You have enough on your plate and the support you’d get from social services will be pitiful.

I had pupils who were in kinship foster care with their grandparents. In my experience, life became very unsettling for the pupils when they reached secondary school age and became aware of their grandparents' mortality.

I can think of one case where. a teenage boy finished up as a young carer as his grandparents became frail - he found himself trying to cope with school, looking after his grandparents and looking after his disabled father.

That's probably going to be the reality of the baby's future if it's either NT or high-functioning.

Sadly, I would not believe any promises of support from Social Services - they are just too stretched and the temptation to wash their hands of your son & girlfriend would always be there.

I would refuse.

What did your son think would happen?

which sums up the whole autism parenting thing.... Like op, there is no escape for a loving mother, life time of worry and challenges for many. Reality of it all. And relevant to the op.

because you cant just care and support an autistic kid then get rid when they mess up/ get older...

I'm not sure on what planet a social worker thinks two people with learning disabilities and a baby are going to thrive and get their shit together by moving between two houses every few days and camping out in their childhood bedrooms

They'll know this perfectly well, @SoThatsTheWayItIs, but their priority will be getting the case off the books and "support" - which as so many have said won't happen - is just used as a carrot

It's perfectly possible to support DS/GF, but that doesn't have to mean having them to stay, so for me the only possible answer would be no

Your partner? Do I assume not your son‘s father then?

Stand firm OP. No, I can't accommodate them. Rinse and repeat. Good luck!

I would take them in as I wouldn’t want to see my own son or my grandchild struggling . That also means the girlfriend as part of the package .

i also would want them full time as moving half the week is ridiculously disruptive especially with a new baby and all the stuff they have .

Also it sounds like your partner is mot
your sons dad and that’s why he’s no onboard.

time for the partner to man up or move out . No one should try and make you choose them over your child .

No no a thousand times no. She stays with her responsible adult , her mother and your son stays in his home and continues college . The GF will hopefully be flagged by midwives , SS and a care plan may be put in place depending on the area . She could even be placed in a Mother & Baby Unit for extra help if appropriate. But none of this will even be a possibility if SS , etc. can force you and her mother to take on this responsibility. It is not being harsh , it's trying to get the best possible outcome and being on your home under those circumstances is definitely not the best they can do .

Exactly, they are looking at what's easiest for them not what's best for you or your son. It's all about saving money and pushing responsibility on to you.

A school friend had an older sister who was autistic. The parents insisted on keeping her at home for years.

Only when the mother was widowed and was informed that the middle girl (away from home) had a terminal diagnosis whilst the youngest (away from home) had a significant health condition did she agree that the eldest could move into assisted accommodation.

The mother would have been in her late 70s by then. Once the eldest had moved into assisted accommodation - basically a group home situation but with some independence - she was actually very happy.

What happens when the OP is elderly?

And if she got pregnant again..........and again?

Not true at ALL
What's best for the BABY is to remain within its family of origin. If that's not possible then other steps will be taken but exploring family support isn't at all about the 'easiest' or 'cheapest' or a way to 'get them off the books' it's literally the law!
How many people posting on this thread would be outraged if a baby was removed from parents with LDs and no social worker had even bothered to ask the family if they would help!?