Social services asking me to have son and girlfriend and baby living with me

[TheOchreEagle]

My son is 19 autistic and still at college and lives at home, he has got his girlfriend pregnant it seems intentionally. Social services have asked us to house them half the week in his bedroom. My partner is not at all happy with the idea. I think it could potentially destroy our relationship.

I feel so torn I don’t believe it will work his bedroom is right next to ours and we would hear every noise. He is very resistant to being told anything and i don’t think his girlfriend would be very receptive to any advice.

They both have learning disabilities so would need close monitoring which would be difficult. I work at home as well as being a carer for my mother who although currently in a care home still makes demands on my time.

Social services have said there would be support but as it has taken 3 months to hear anything i find that doubtful.

I do want to help but living with us is just too much. Anyone had any experience of this or can offer any advice.

Thank you for answering. I think my issue is that SS are suggesting to the OP that help and support will be forthcoming and other posters are telling her not to believe this.

I was wondering whether you could refute this and reassure the OP that support will be in place or whether the truth is, that SS are indeed just saying this because it’s the best financial and workload outcome for them? I say this because we all know how ridiculously overworked social workers are ATM. We know you don’t have enough time to give due diligence to the cases you have and yet are often expected to take on more and more.

I have every sympathy for social workers in this scenario. However, I don’t think it helps for them to paint as picture to the OP of being there on the end of the phone ready to help when the reality is likely very different. Better to say, if you can’t, we fully understand and this is the likely outcome. I know I couldn’t do it over again even if that meant adoption. Even if I knew the baby was NT, I couldn’t face sleepless nights, nappies and toddlers tantrums in my late 50s and primary school runs in my 60s and up into my 70s. I’m still shattered from the first time around and I’m still parenting two NT teens at the moment. I simply couldn’t do it either physically or mentally regardless of the alternative. I’m sorry if that’s unpalatable to some.

This is going to sound heartless but it would be a definite no from me. I feel for you.

SS will do nothing and they and baby need to be somewhere permently, if baby is removed by SS they will ask you to have baby, also is she just going to get pregnant again, also if they both have special needs then highly likely baby will,.does your son work,.i.would not have them at yours, why is the girl not living with her family and why didnt her family sort out contraception for her, poor wee baby

Girlfriend and baby need to live at her parents’ house. Your son continues to live with you and sees the child when he can. Both teen parents have SEN so the child will likely have SEN too, maybe significant SEN. Do you work? If not you could babysit during the day if both teens are at work/in education. The girl also needs to have an iud or depo. You need to tell your son to never have sex without a condom. They might have more kids.

If this was my 19 year old I’d be asking her to consider an abortion. Even without additional needs the vast majority of 19 year olds would need a huge amount of support.

Absolutely not.

I know it's very easy for me to say that from a place of total impartiality and no emotional involvement, but absolutely not.

You work. You care for your mother. Now you're expected to parent not one but two teenagers with additional needs and their baby who will all be living in one room in your house?

Don't do it OP.

What happens when that baby is a child and they no longer fit in one room? What happens if they cannot parent at all? What happens if other grandparents kick them out?

I guarantee you there will be absolutely no help, SS will wash their hands of the whole sorry affair.

That seems the fairest solution if you want your grandchildren to be brought up within your family. I don't see why the burden should only fall on her family.

Just Say No.
And mean it. Stick to it.
SS should help find them somewhere they can be together as a family or for the mother and baby.
Perhaps in a supported living situation.
You cannot be responsible for your adult son and all the life choices he might make.
Where does it end?
You are entitled to live your life in your own home.

My long experience with Social Services is that once you agree with their suggestion you will be left to cope on your own. Keep them at arm's length and keeprefusing. It may take them a little longer to find another solution, but they will.

It really depends what you and they understand to mean support. Long term support with the needs of the child - no, probably not, unless the child has SEN too and any SEN parent knows the limits of that support. Long term support for the DS to parent the DC? again, no. Short term support to apply for any grants, adult social care assessment, letters of support written to housing, negotiation and advocacy with adult social care, yes a good social worker will do all that, but there's no guarantee of the outcomes anyone wants and once the case is closed the social work support will be zero. Children's social work family support services aren't set up to provide long term support to parents.

It would be a no from me. If they stay with you, socially services will wash their hands of them. Social services will have to support and accommodate them. Shit for council taxpayers in your area of course but it is what it is.

They won't have to support OR accommodate them in the way they will likely need. Lots of posters on this thread sound like those parents who refuse the Ofsted inadequate local school they are offered in the belief if their child has no school place the local authority will find a better one, only to find their DC has no school at all. If people think that digging their heels in and refusing to support will lead to a magical social work funded supported house for this couple they are dreaming. It will probably end up with the child in care.

There is no need for permanent family separation if they were in their own accommodation with assistance or support (depending on their level of learning difficulty). The OP has not stated they are in a position where they need residential care - they need housing.

If they are sufficiently disabled that they cannot live even in supported accommodation then how the hell are they supposed to manage the upheaval with packing up and moving house every few days?

Who supplies midwifery and HV support? The maternal grandparents health area or the paternal?

What happens each time they move - do they switch providers every three days? Because services do not cross boundaries.
Where do they register with the GP? Maternal area or paternal? Again GPs have tight catchments.
Which address do they give for healthcare, benefits, child benefit, free hours when applicable?
Which council do they apply to for long term housing? Maternal council or paternal?

Even if you consider its totally fine for a newborn baby to be shifted between houses every few days the practicalities don't stack up.

Yes I get what you are saying. It would be a sad ending but in this scenario it might be what ends up happening.

OP nearly all young adults think they know better than their parents, and ASC probably compounds this. Don’t blame yourself, life’s too short.

Unless they don't like you then they make your life a misery with their attentions

I would prioritise my son and grandchild over my boyfriend/partner. This is your decision alone.
if the couple live elsewhere without support of their own parents the situation is more likely to break down, and your grandchild will be fostered/adopted and you’d never see them again. If you’re ok with that, then you can say no.

Social work have to ask family first to establish that it's not viable before moving on to the next plan. Say no and ask about supported living. My son who has severe learning disabilities is in supported accommodation but Social Work wanted my db to say he would not take him before the plan could proceed. My db would struggle with a house plant never mind someone with severe autism and 24/7 complex care needs. It was strange but I don't think anyone expected him to do it , it was a tick box.

And we all suspect/know the part time living in his bedroom will turn into full time after a fortnight!

They won’t. If parents and family can’t look after the baby safely a permanent solution will be found - likely to be adoption. And they won’t hang around because they know that early adoption is better for the child. @SethAndReubenTooSendGaloshesposting here works in children’s social care and she has explained the responsibilities and limitations of children’s social care in this situation, but posters like you are giving wrong information to the OP by telling her that if she can’t help Children’s Social Care will accommodate and support a baby and two parents.

I am so sorry @SethAndReubenTooSendGaloshes I keep tagging you but you keep saying things that are just untrue, though this may just be in your area.
Shared Lives is not niche. It is nationwide and accessed by thousands of vulnerable adults.
There are family units for couples like this one (and more schemes opening all the time, expensive option though). These wouldn't be long term but I bet they could eek it out for a few years.
They may not need supported living.
All LA's provide long and short term care for families like this one. I am talking about support in the community not residential.
No one is guaranteed long term funded residential care anymore are they? Even the most vulnerable members of our communities, it is a disgrace.

Yes, the child may end up being removed but where we differ is the approach. I don't believe that shuttling between Grandparents is the best option. The strain that will add to everyone will be off the scale.

The housing isn't the problem. They will be housed. It's the support they require that will be the headscratcher for SS.

Sorry, l think we were posting at cross purposes for a while but it sounds as though we’re actually on the same page. I would be refusing to support as the parent and advocating for adoption if they really do need the equivalent of full time care to be able to look after a child - which seems to be the case here. It’s unworkable and puts massive pressure on the parent who would essentially be supporting two significantly disabled adults and a child. It sounds harsh but it’s the best solution for all concerned - not least the child themselves.

If you are prepared to look after this poor baby and raise it for the next 18 years then take them in.

If you feel you have done your share of parenting in your life say no.

Where are the gf parents in all this? Have SS assessed them and found them wanting , or have they refused to take the responsibility , and who can blame them.

This.

This is very difficult.

I’m assuming it’s either that they live at both of your homes or the alternative is the baby is removed?

They must have very high learning difficulties - have either had SS involvement in the past?

Take your partner out of it - how would you really feel about them living in their own flat and caring for a baby?
Would the baby be well looked after?

Does your son and gf work? Go to college etc?

I would feel better that my DCs were living at both homes for half of the week.
The issue is going to be which house has which days, unless it’s like Sunday to Wednesday and then Wednesday to Saturday - so both homes have 1 weekend day free.