Shaving nappy wearing DD.

[TryingMyBest12345]

Hi, I've gone anon for this because it's such a sensitive topic.

DD is almost 11.
She has a significant intellectual disability, other diagnosis too including ASD and global development delay. She is non verbal, in a wheelchair and has the comprehension of a toddler.

She can't really do anything for herself and probably never will.

We feed her, wash her, dress her, brush teeth and hair basically everything you need to do for a baby, we need to do for her.

She will always be in nappies.

She is now going through puberty and started her periods 8 months ago. They are very heavy (her consultant is seeing her in November regarding this but I'm pretty sure we can't do anything to help manage them until she's a bit older, and even then, hormone therapy is something I'd need to think about as I'm not sure I'm comfortable with it.
Not to mention it would consist of depo injections as she can only have medication in liquid form)

Anyway, I'm rambling.

We've spent the last few months shaving her pubic hair (electric razor so no danger) because it it much easier to clean (think pee, poo and period not to mention sudocrem all in one nappy, and a (quite hairy) 11 year old who doesn't particularly like nappy changes)

It's working well, is much easier to keep her clean and fresh but I'm wrecked with, I'm not sure how to explain it, guilt? Shame?
It feels like what I'm doing is inappropriate and I fear judgement from her SNA's at school (they obviously change her at her high needs special school)

I don't shave her anywhere else, why would I? It's not like she has any idea if her legs are hairy or not but I can't help just feeling like I'm doing something wrong every time I do it (usually just before her period is due)

I suppose I'm looking for someone to tell me that I'm doing the right thing by her.

Please be gentle, I'm so sensitive about this but I just want to make things as easy as I can for her.

Thank you.

You are doing what is right for your daughter so that she is clean and nappy changes are as quick and easy as possible. I don't think people would judge if you kept her head hair short if she didn't like it being brushed.

No experience but it sounds entirely sensible to me.

My friend has a daughter who is 16 and similar absolutely no judgement from me or any of my friends and she and her husband do similar. Women used to be shaved before birth or c sections - we don’t do it anymore. It’s entirely reasonable, non sexual and makes infections, sores etc easier to spot. No one is judging and if anyone does - says more about them than you !

You're doing what needs to be done.

I think this is completely fine / sensible and in your dds best interests

Bluntly your life must be incredibly hard and it would be some arsehole that judges ypu because not many people could or would do what you are doing.

If you feel anxious, I would openly tell the SNAs ina breezy tone
"You'll notice we have trimmed the hair it just makes her less prone to soreness and its easier for everyone when she needs changing"

I would. It'so much easier to keep her clean.

BTW, do you know of the special kids uk forum? I have friends who've found that a godsend at times, just knowing they're not alone in dealing with all the myriad questions and issues.

I'm not trying to make you feel bad @TryingMyBest12345 but I can't help wonder if this would be classed as a safeguarding issue.

I fully understand why you feel it is best for her, but it does seem a bit inappropriate.

Go with your gut, if it is making you feel uneasy you probably shouldn't be doing it.

Maybe speak to her medical team about better, more appropriate options.

I don't think you are doing anything wrong, in fact, quite the opposite. You are ensuring she is clean, comfortable and doing your best.

I think there is nothing wrong with how you are managing this... whatever makes it easier for you and her is ok
I would also think seriously about the injection to stop periods as these may well be uncomfortable/painful for her
Please don't feel any guilt or shame in what you are doing

Why would it be a safeguarding issue?

This is why I think a forum where people have experience of these things (special kids UK), might be better.

I have absolutely no experience in this area, but answering as a mum and someone who comes from a culture where most people shave their genital area for hygiene purposes, I understand why you would shave her. You want to be able to keep the area as clean as possible and that is easier without pubic hair when you need to wipe her clean.

Surely her medical team have noticed and haven't said anything to you? If school comments I think a matter of fact response about hygiene will suffice.

I’m a teacher at a high needs special school. Some parents shave their incontinent child when they reach puberty, some don’t. It’s personal preference and I don’t judge either way, I’d think there is unlikely to be any judgement from your child’s school.

What on earth is inappropriate here?! Christ almighty. What is wrong with you? What lens are you viewing this through?

OP, all you are doing is the very best for your child, and it sounds as though you are doing a brilliant job. Your daughter is in essence a baby in an older body, and you are treating her with love and respect. I take my hat off to you.

Many parents of disabled and able bodied kids do this for religious reasons to so please rest assured that you’re not the only person shaving an 11 yo. You might find higher quality info about the products to use etc in a SN or Islamic forum / threads. Using a trimmer long term could lead to ingrown hairs so it’s a good idea to gently exfoliate the areas you shave regularly once a week - one of my friends used to use a mixture of rock salt and oats but you can buy creams now that you don’t need to wash off.

The only time I've ever shaved is before surgery, and the grow back was very uncomfortable. Are you sure this isn't causing your DD any discomfort?

There is An American Facebook group I'm on for parents of children with profound autism and learning disabilities
These kind of questions get asked
This is a discussion I would be having with the school so that everyone is on board and understands the reasons.

If the staff at her school had concerns they would have raised them with you. The fact that they haven't mentioned it suggests that they understand you're shaving DD for hygiene reasons and to make the task of changing and cleaning her easier. If you're worried you could always mention it to them and explain the reasons why you've done it. That way you can put it out of your mind.

I wonder whether you feel uncomfortable because as a society we generally associate shaved public hair with sex, or at least trying to make oneself attractive to sexual partners? But clearly there are purely practical, non-sexual reasons why some women choose to remove hair and heavy bleeding is one of them. In your DD's situation, why wouldn't take whatever practical steps you could to keep her clean and comfortable, and to make that process less time consuming? I can't imagine anyone would judge you for that.

Do think about cocp, patches or tablets. Depot just causes much weight gain

Former assistant in a 5 days of the week residential school here; a number of the older students had managed pubic hair for the reasons you describe. A number didn’t. Perfectly acceptable - you’re meeting a need to prevent discomfort.

To be fair to the poster you are replying to, I know of an employee who was dismissed due to a safeguarding concern for doing this. I know it is different in these circumstances as the OP is the parent (and not an employee) but I can understand where the safeguarding comment came from

Sorry, doesn't help with your question but have you considered trying tranexamic acid? Something to (maybe) raise with her consultant. I have super heavy periods (fibroids in my case) and also didn't want hormone treatment so used tranexamic acid. She'd only take it during her period, and it greatly reduces the amount of blood and clots.

Sorry, you might have already considered and/or it might be contraindicated for her, but it might be helpful.

What culture are you from?