Shaving nappy wearing DD.

[TryingMyBest12345]

Hi, I've gone anon for this because it's such a sensitive topic.

DD is almost 11.
She has a significant intellectual disability, other diagnosis too including ASD and global development delay. She is non verbal, in a wheelchair and has the comprehension of a toddler.

She can't really do anything for herself and probably never will.

We feed her, wash her, dress her, brush teeth and hair basically everything you need to do for a baby, we need to do for her.

She will always be in nappies.

She is now going through puberty and started her periods 8 months ago. They are very heavy (her consultant is seeing her in November regarding this but I'm pretty sure we can't do anything to help manage them until she's a bit older, and even then, hormone therapy is something I'd need to think about as I'm not sure I'm comfortable with it.
Not to mention it would consist of depo injections as she can only have medication in liquid form)

Anyway, I'm rambling.

We've spent the last few months shaving her pubic hair (electric razor so no danger) because it it much easier to clean (think pee, poo and period not to mention sudocrem all in one nappy, and a (quite hairy) 11 year old who doesn't particularly like nappy changes)

It's working well, is much easier to keep her clean and fresh but I'm wrecked with, I'm not sure how to explain it, guilt? Shame?
It feels like what I'm doing is inappropriate and I fear judgement from her SNA's at school (they obviously change her at her high needs special school)

I don't shave her anywhere else, why would I? It's not like she has any idea if her legs are hairy or not but I can't help just feeling like I'm doing something wrong every time I do it (usually just before her period is due)

I suppose I'm looking for someone to tell me that I'm doing the right thing by her.

Please be gentle, I'm so sensitive about this but I just want to make things as easy as I can for her.

Thank you.

OP, totally off topic - but please explore with a solicitor (when your daughter is 16 or so) getting a health and welfare deputy ship in order, as well as a financial and property one. The day she turns 18, you no longer have a say, which seems shocking but is the way it (unfortunately) works.

Op please be reassured that many parents do this for serevrely disabled children both those who have the capacity to consent (so chose this as a care option) and those who don't. Just the same as you cut her fingernails for her comfort, clean her teeth for hygiene etc and this is exactly the same.

I don't know if this will help but my gp told me the ibuprofen taken during periods can lighten them...and that comes in liquid form. I don't know if it works because I insisted on trying transexamic acid which is tablets. The ibuprofen might be worth a shot to help your dd.

This.

You are in a long-term state of difficult caregiving. Do not feel guilty about any means of making it a bit less difficult.

Completely blind to the fact that the reason OP might feel uncomfortable is due to her knowing that some idiots might have some nonsense opinion to pitch in with about this based on uneducated, unthinking, unknowing, inexperienced ‘wonderings’.

Well thank goodness for that!
I too was ''shocked'' at the safeguarding comment.

It's about dignity. But I suppose dignity is a matter of opinion.

I was a care worker in a previous life and carried out personal care on many, many people. How hairy they were wasn't an issue. It may have taken longer sometimes, but I would never have expected anyone to shave my clients/service users to make life easier for me. I'm guessing this is part of the reason why you're feeling off about it.

If you're not feeling 100% comfortable with your decision to shave her, can you just trim the hair instead?

100%.

You sound like amazing parents doing the best thing for your daughter. It’s totally appropriate.

I imagine it is incredibly hard to work out what is the right thing when you want to give her as much respect and autonomy as possible but the situation is that you have to make the best decision you can.

With any of it, as she grows and develops, as long as you can look back and say we made the best choice we could with the information and resources we had, then you can let go of guilt. Sometimes your care won’t be at the standard you’d like because you are humans but you do your best. The most important thing is to be kind to yourselves.

With this situation, it seems really clear it’s the best option. It’s a form of personal care for her, no different from trimming her nails do she doesn’t scratch herself.

I think you do what you feel is right. If she is cleaner and more comfortable then you’re doing the right thing. As you say she doesn’t like nappy changes. I can imagine the hair would make it harder. No judgement.

Agree. And it means that she is less likely to get sore as easier to ensure she is completely clean.

*Are

We had this suggested to us by very experienced carers when we were seriously struggling with our DD. Nappy changes are already something she hates so even lengthier ones were a nightmare.

If they had concerns you'd have heard about it already so please don't worry.

No judgement. You're doing a brilliant job of helping to keep you DD comfortable and 'clean'.
Would your DD react to an IPL treatment after shaving? In the long run if you buy a Lumea or similar, it slows down hair growth.

But why though? People often say 'safeguarding issue' as if there is some objective standard of what is safeguarding which is by no means the case. This is an act done by a caring and protective parent for the purpose of hygiene and dignity. If she was doing it for sexually abusive purposes then it would be a 'safeguarding issue'. It's not necessarily the action that is harmful, but the intent.

Presumably through the lens of someone who will never, ever have to deal with this. As they say ' walk a mile in someone else's shoes '

No one should judge or shame you for doing what is right for your daughters care. You have a bloody tough job @TryingMyBest12345 and you do whatever makes things easier for you and your daughter. This benefits your daughter too as cleaning her will be easier and much less stressful for her.
You're doing amazing and don't let anyone make you feel otherwise. I also second the tranexamic acid, it worked well for me for years.

On a other note for when she gets older, my aunt looks after my cousin who sounds as though she has the same issues as your daughter. She gets the injection to prevent her periods now (she's an adult) as they were both finding her heavy and painful periods distressing and difficult to manage.

100%

I don't post often so I'm unsure of the protocols but feel free to ask MNHQ about my credentials if it will put your mind at ease, I have nothing to hide.

I'm not sure what else I can do to reassure you.

This mother is doing this 24/7 365 days a year, for many years and probably rarely gets any respite.

As a care worker, you can always choose to walk away, and leave the job behind.

OP cannot do that.

Totally appropriate imo.

The only reason I recoil a bit is my own personal experience of shaving down there. Even a day after it feels really uncomfortable as it start to grow back. Like sand paper.
Now I’m pretty sure your dd is ok with it (I imagine she’d let you know!) so I’m probably seeing potential problems where there isn’t any

Because people view things differently, and somewhere along the line the op feels there could be someone who takes issue with it hence her asking if she us doing the right thing. I absolutely get why she does it. I'm not at all saying she is in the wrong. But clearly she is uneasy, so she needs to address if this us the best option.

Maybe it us the term shaving that sits uncomfortably. As others have suggested. Trimming may be better.

It's bit a criticism or throwing baiut "dangerous" terms, but it is trying to get to the root of why the op feels uneasy abiut her actions.

It sounds absolutely sensible to me. You are making her life more pleasant, less intrusive cleaning, shorter nappy changes, good all round.

How can it be a safeguarding issue, any more than the intimate cleaning necessary anyway? It's not like parents or carers could avoid touching her intimately.

Fine unless you shave literally everything off (as opposed to v short) as that can be really itchy and I've seen kids in discomfort from that at work.

As in seen with kids at work who has complex needs

How can it be a safeguarding issue? The OP is her mum!
And what better, more appropriate options so you think are possible?
The OP is keeping her daughter clean and comfortable, as she should be doing.