Shaving nappy wearing DD.

[TryingMyBest12345]

Hi, I've gone anon for this because it's such a sensitive topic.

DD is almost 11.
She has a significant intellectual disability, other diagnosis too including ASD and global development delay. She is non verbal, in a wheelchair and has the comprehension of a toddler.

She can't really do anything for herself and probably never will.

We feed her, wash her, dress her, brush teeth and hair basically everything you need to do for a baby, we need to do for her.

She will always be in nappies.

She is now going through puberty and started her periods 8 months ago. They are very heavy (her consultant is seeing her in November regarding this but I'm pretty sure we can't do anything to help manage them until she's a bit older, and even then, hormone therapy is something I'd need to think about as I'm not sure I'm comfortable with it.
Not to mention it would consist of depo injections as she can only have medication in liquid form)

Anyway, I'm rambling.

We've spent the last few months shaving her pubic hair (electric razor so no danger) because it it much easier to clean (think pee, poo and period not to mention sudocrem all in one nappy, and a (quite hairy) 11 year old who doesn't particularly like nappy changes)

It's working well, is much easier to keep her clean and fresh but I'm wrecked with, I'm not sure how to explain it, guilt? Shame?
It feels like what I'm doing is inappropriate and I fear judgement from her SNA's at school (they obviously change her at her high needs special school)

I don't shave her anywhere else, why would I? It's not like she has any idea if her legs are hairy or not but I can't help just feeling like I'm doing something wrong every time I do it (usually just before her period is due)

I suppose I'm looking for someone to tell me that I'm doing the right thing by her.

Please be gentle, I'm so sensitive about this but I just want to make things as easy as I can for her.

Thank you.

I have no experience in this area, but I can say with absolutely certainty that I would do the same as you OP.
I can completely understand your feelings-that’s simply just because you’re a normal human, it feels inappropriate even though it’s the right thing.
But the important thing is, you absolutely ARE doing the right thing for your daughter. You’re keeping her clean, hygienic and free of sores (which would happen very very quickly if any bodily waste was lingering around on hairs)

There is a world of difference between a member of school staff taking it upon themselves to shave a disabled child's pubic hair and their own parents making that decision. IME when a member of staff is dismissed over safeguarding concerns it is rarely based on a single incident, more often there will have been a series of smaller incidents, or a number of concerns reported that form part of a pattern of behaviour. But only those directly involved in the investigation would know that.

The poster described it as "inappropriate", which makes no logical sense given this particular child's personal care needs. Parents of children with complex needs have to perform all sorts of intimate tasks that would be "inappropriate" or possibly even abusive if they were dealing with a non-disabled child. Just because something makes that poster feel personally uncomfortable does not make it a safeguarding issue. Parents like OP don't have the luxury of squeamishness, they just have to get on with it.

Hi I'm a care assistant and rest assured it is completely normal to see teens being shaved and it makes it easier for us also

I know what you're are saying, I also have a severely disabled child, and I'm trying to keep my answers generalised, the.internet can be an odd place sometimes.

Yup.

You don't understand unless you're nappy changing a teen several times a day.

I didn't say it WAS a safeguarding issue, I said I WONDER IF it COULD be seen as one.

Ultimately the op feels uncomfortable about her decision to do this. So perhaps she should consult the child's medical team for other options to ensure it is the best thing for her dd.

I am fully aware of the difficulties in caring for a severely disabled child. The op has by deepest respect. But if something feels off then she has to address it.

Why would it be a safeguarding issue? It's personal hygiene, and no different to any other intimate care provided by parents/caregivers.

OP, I don't have a child with needs you describe, but my job entails personal and intimate care of children with profound additional needs and it's so much easier and cleaner for nappy changes when parents do choose to trim/remove pubic hair. Lets face it, some of us adults choose to trim and/or remove our pubic hair because it's uncomfortable or makes personal care a bit difficult or whatever other reason we choose to, why would we choose to make our young people uncomfortable?

I found it gave me depression, my mental health was appalling when I was on it and improved immediately I stopped.

The partner is this case believed that they were acting in the person’s best interests. The lady was not able to give informed consent for most areas of her life. Deciding between a cup of tea or coffee was roughly her limit.

As I said I don’t know what the outcome was but I completely understand why there may be concerns raised. I’m not saying that I agree.

You are amazing. I'd do the same. It's more hygienic and more comfortable for her too!
You are looking after your daughter and thinking of her best interests.
If anybody deemed this as wrong, the issue is with them xxx

Absolutely doing the right thing. Helps keep everything clean and comfortable.

Why come here and be nasty? The OP is looking for help and support

Yes - I think people need to be very careful what they say here.

Be careful of infection when shaving

No judgement at all. As she gets older, I wonder if it will be worth looking into laser treatment? I have no experience of this so don’t know the ins and outs, but it might be easier to maintain for you.

Sounds sensible and like you are trying to do your best for your daughter in every way ❤️

Because it's a good thing to trust no-one on the internet.

Especially when they are talking about a child's private parts.

Trimming to grade 1 can be better and more comfortable than shaving to skin.

Do you have any experience of child safeguarding? I expect you don’t if you’re coming out with nonsense like this.

OP, if trimming your DD’s pubic hair makes her personal care routine quicker and more comfortable for her, and makes your life even just a tiny bit easier then it’s absolutely fine to do so. Incontinence and menstrual blood can leave pubic hair matted and tangled quite quickly, which might be more uncomfortable and distressing for your DD if you have to spend longer trying to clean everything out of the hair. I am a nurse, with experience in child safeguarding, and would do exactly the same as you.

I'm the parent.of a severely disabled 14 ,year old and I'm not going to be discussing his intimate care needs on mumsnet ,I'm trying to keep my answers generalised.

Thank you so much for all the replies (I had a mini crying session from relief to be honest)

Her SNA's haven't said a thing in fairness, I'm just sensitive about it and genuinely wanted opinions from other parents.

It's so reassuring to hear that other's in similar situations do it too (it's not really something that you ask about IRL and as you can imagine, I don't really get out much or have other people to discuss this with)

I realise this is probably a shocking thread but I'm not a troll, I just genuinely wanted other mothers opinions, I'm sorry if it comes across that way.

I'm going to look into the special needs groups someone mentioned above too (thank you for that)

Medication wise, she doesn't know how to take tablets and wouldn't tolerate patches of any kind (not even plasters) but we'll be covering all bases with her consultant in November.

We use an electric shaver so no chance of cuts either.

I just wanted to thank you all again, I feel much better knowing it's something that is common in her situation 💐

How on earth can if be a ''Safeguarding issue'' when it's keeping her own daughter clean, and making it much easier to keep fresh and hygienic?
OP isn't ill treating her daughter.

Have you ever tried to clean bodily fluids &c out of hair on a daily basis?

@TryingMyBest12345 I remember years ago a tiny mum who had an 18 yr old in nappies- I was only 17 at the time, but still remember her loving care for her son.

Do what you think is best.

If there wasn't such an association with ''shaved areas'' and porn, no one would really think twice.

I understand and totally see you reasoning. I think you are doing probably the hardest job in the world and may someone walk a mile is your shoes before passing judgement. You sound like a great mum

Op I just wanted to reassure you, thanks to the ridiculous, insensitive post about safeguarding.

I'm a safeguarding lead and I see absolutely no safeguarding issue here at all.
You have enough to worry about, without clearly clueless posters adding to your woes!

Nothing wrong. You are doing it for the benefit of DD’s health and cleanliness. There’s nothing more intimate about shaving her than there is with the acts of changing her nappy and cleaning her and the latter are both essential things that need to be done.