Shaving nappy wearing DD.

[TryingMyBest12345]

Hi, I've gone anon for this because it's such a sensitive topic.

DD is almost 11.
She has a significant intellectual disability, other diagnosis too including ASD and global development delay. She is non verbal, in a wheelchair and has the comprehension of a toddler.

She can't really do anything for herself and probably never will.

We feed her, wash her, dress her, brush teeth and hair basically everything you need to do for a baby, we need to do for her.

She will always be in nappies.

She is now going through puberty and started her periods 8 months ago. They are very heavy (her consultant is seeing her in November regarding this but I'm pretty sure we can't do anything to help manage them until she's a bit older, and even then, hormone therapy is something I'd need to think about as I'm not sure I'm comfortable with it.
Not to mention it would consist of depo injections as she can only have medication in liquid form)

Anyway, I'm rambling.

We've spent the last few months shaving her pubic hair (electric razor so no danger) because it it much easier to clean (think pee, poo and period not to mention sudocrem all in one nappy, and a (quite hairy) 11 year old who doesn't particularly like nappy changes)

It's working well, is much easier to keep her clean and fresh but I'm wrecked with, I'm not sure how to explain it, guilt? Shame?
It feels like what I'm doing is inappropriate and I fear judgement from her SNA's at school (they obviously change her at her high needs special school)

I don't shave her anywhere else, why would I? It's not like she has any idea if her legs are hairy or not but I can't help just feeling like I'm doing something wrong every time I do it (usually just before her period is due)

I suppose I'm looking for someone to tell me that I'm doing the right thing by her.

Please be gentle, I'm so sensitive about this but I just want to make things as easy as I can for her.

Thank you.

I am a designated safeguarding lead in a school.

This is not a safeguarding issue. Not even slightly.

A safeguarding issue is something that places a child at risk of harm.

This child already requires a high level of intimate care due to her disabilities. Parents shaving the pubic hair of a child who did not require intimate personal care would absolutely be a safeguarding issue, but in OP's case it is a purely practical decision.

Also, if the school had safeguarding concerns they would have to report them and make OP aware that they had done so. Since they are aware parents shave her and haven't mentioned it they obviously do not have any concerns.

I hope this reassures you OP.

I don’t know how to word what I’m thinking without sounding patronising or condescending or whatever but parents of high needs children are actual heroes to me. I’m guessing it doesn’t feel like that and it’s hard relentless graft that you don’t get a choice in (and you love your children so do anyway) but nonetheless it is something most of us can’t even imagine.

I only wish society valued parents like you more and offered better financial practical and emotional support.

Whatever you need to do to make life easier for your DD and yourself by extension I’m sure you decide out of love and with every consideration required

Thank you for making the TAs job much easier.

Love the headteacher of a SEN school x

OP, please don't feel guilty. I am involved in teaching and safe guarding with special needs children. Many other parents chose this option. You are doing what is right for your DD and family. If you still feel uncomfortable please discuss this with your dd's teacher and I am sure they will help reassure you.

You are doing right by her. Sounds like a completely sensible approach.
(if she starts to hate being shaved, then you can re-think).
You sound like a great mum.

How is it inappropriate? If she hates nappy changes she isn't likely to quietly cooperate while being cleaned and leaving her public hair with all ganked up is going to give the nappy rash from hell. Which will be difficult to treat with hair in the way. It's a practicality.

I don't remove public hair and find I go through a lot of wipes on my period and have to shower down there at least twice a day to stay clean. Add in urine and faeces in a nappy, that's quite a cleanup. There's only so many times you can shower someone in a day and that's if she even lets them. Removing the hair makes it easier and quicker. That's in her best interests.

You're doing what’s the healthiest for her in terms of personal care. Last thing she needs is any infections from any matter that’s missed during cleaning, so you’re being careful and removing that possibility. You’re being good parents who are on top of their child’s medical wellness but also emotional - as she doesn’t enjoy nappy changing, you’re also removing something that would add time to the process

There is no safeguarding issue here. Rather, this about best possible care under incredibly difficult circumstances.

Implying that there might be a safeguarding issue (based on opinion rather than protocol or knowledge) is reckless. What if OP or another parent in a similar situation were to alter best possible care provisions for a severely disabled person, based on one completely unknowing person sticking their oar in about what they feel might be appropriate?

Trimming very short makes sense, isn’t actual shaving a risk?

@TryingMyBest12345 I can understand why you are doing this. How much can your dd understand? Have you looked at ways of stopping her from menstruating with her Dr? I know this won’t help with incontinence and the subsequent personal care that is needed.

Different scenario but I can understand where the safeguarding comment has come from.

I used to work in mental health and we had a female patient admitted whose public hair had been shaved. The lady lacked capacity to make this decision for themselves. It was referred to safeguarding. I left that job without finding out the outcome.

No judgement from me, what you are doing is perfectly reasonable, op.

I do hope you have help, this is a lot for one person or couple to cope with alone.

I know two people with an adult disabled child to whom they are quite devoted, however they do have good help and respite care.

Sorry if I am going off the point too much and being insensitive, that is not my intention.

I used to work in care btw and the parents trimmed very short, didn’t shave. The girls actually disliked having it done but they also disliked changes so felt like a good compromise for them? I recognised it was a difficult thing to know what to do though.

What I found more tricky was that one of the girls had her legs shaved too which she hated. Their argument was that they didn’t want people to fun of her. I wasn’t sure and I’m not sure they do it anymore (which I’m thankful for).

Sounds completely sensible to me OP, saves a lot of hassle for you. I’m sure teachers would just think the same, that it’s a lot easier

You're mum and you know what's best for your child. Sounds totally practical. End of!

I don't think it's inappropriate to do in real life.

But I do think it's inappropriate to talk about on a forum. What is the need to talk about your child's public hair on a forum? It's too much information.

I send you support. But Ask her doctor if its OK to do. You don't need to ask strangers on the internet about your child's public hair.

The Internet is full of sickos and weirdos. Im Not talking about mumsnet posters.

Many People come to this forum, just to look at threads.

What more appropriate options are you imagining than her mother who attends to all her care needs taking care of this personal care issue too?

Wouldn't it be better to get a medical opinion?

I know a bit about the care of disabled children as they pass into adulthood. Not my clinical field and no personal experience but its not unusual and NOT a safeguarding issue. There will be other options once she is older, some more permanent but they will all have the same objective which is to keep your child as happy and unstressed as possible.

If you don't shave her, she will be more likely to get a UTI.

This is really nothing to do with the doctor. This is the perfect place for the OP to ask.

Not at all inappropriate.

Probably best. It does concern me a bit, mostly because of the risk of cuts in such a delicate area (and I can imagine she doesn’t always stay still!)

I think the difference would be.is these are parents acting in the best interest, s of their child
She is likely not going to be able to consent in most areas of her life
It's very different to an adult ,I imagine the safe guarding s
Concerns in that scenario was the suspicion she was being abused in Some way.

Walk a mile in the shoes of caring for a severely dependent child with significant disabilities then come back and judge. Bugger off back to your perfect life. I hope you never have to experience the constant anxiety of this life as I doubt you would be the the wonderful advocate that the OP is for her daughter. Wow 😥

You think AIBU is the perfect place to ask about a child's pubic hair?

It sounds like you're doing the sensible thing - I can understand why you might feel this way because it is a personal thing to do for her. But it sounds like absolutely the most practical thing and the most hygienic thing - body fluids in public hair are hard to get out (I'm a nurse) - I would be doing the same thing in your very difficult circumstances. You sound like a lovely caring mum. X