Primary School Auties 11: 2023 is here

[openupmyeagereyes]

Thread 11.

This is a thread for the parents & carers of children with additional needs. Most of us have autistic/ADHD children in primary school, but anybody is welcome to join us to chat x

Links to previous threads below.

Thread 1
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/3080753-DS-with-ASD-starting-school-Sept-2018-I-am-feeling-overwhelmed
Thread 2
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/3451020-Reception-auties-2018-19-thread-2
Thread 3
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/3628263-Auties-transition-to-Year-1-thread-3
Thread 4
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/3748449-Primary-school-Auties-into-2020-thread-4
Thread 5
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/3953023-Primary-school-auties-summer-and-beyond-thread-5?pg=1
Thread 6
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/4166833-Primary-school-auties-spring-2021-and-beyond-thread-6?pg=1
Thread 7
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/4303826-Primary-school-auties-summer-and-the-new-academic-year-thread-7
Thread 8
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/4422100-Primary-school-auties-step-into-Christmas-and-the-New-Year-thread-8
Thread 9
www.mumsnet.com/talk/special_needs/4502988-Primary-school-auties-thread-9-spring-summer-2022
Thread 10
www.mumsnet.com/talk/special_needs/4592899-primary-school-auties-10-summer-and-beyond-2022?page=1

@Ahna65 think we crossed….

Thanks @carriebradshawwithlessshoes yes we crossed!

I think that all of the kids are pretty young and in full baby-style seats rather than booster only. The ladies at the school assist in getting all the kids on board and I guess the idea is that a parent / caregiver is always waiting at the destination. I looked on the website of the transport provider just now and it seems like the drivers are trained to some degree in autism / special needs. But yeah, what happens if something goes wrong, seems very odd. That is probably a good way to phrase my questions/ concerns though - what if she has a meltdown or needs help, rather than that I don't like the idea of male driver alone with her.

If this is just the norm in the Netherlands, not sure what we will do, have to think about it more. We don't necessarily need the transport but seems like pretty much all kids at the school use it so it's also sort of part of their routine - seemed to be sort of expected, and I guess it is helpful (if you can trust it all).

Just stuff like (and I’m not saying this is the case at DDs place) when I mentioned DSs epilepsy medication to school they basically said they had cupboards of the same meds because such a high percentage of children had it. So what would he do if a child had a fit? Pull the whole bus over whilst dialling 999 with all the other children just then stranded there? Or anything could happen, one could be sick, choke, have a meltdown! I’m surprised a chaperone isn’t compulsory!

Kind of on the same (ish) theme (child safety) can I ask you all a quick question… DS is a clumsy clot, always tripping, getting bruises, marks etc. sometimes I don’t even know how. Example when he was on the loo this morning I noticed about a 1cm light scratch on his neck, I actually went to rub it off thinking it was pen or sometimes and he winced. I suspect he’s probably scratched himself maybe in his sleep. I’ve no idea really.

anyway school always ask me, oh no! What’s happened to him (in a breezy tone.) They called today to say he had walked into another child and has a scratch on the back of his neck as the other child grabbed him, obviously I said it was fine not to worry. She then added oh, we saw the one at the front, what happened?? Said it lightheartedly. However Ahna now has me in a suspicious frame of mind, do you think they are thinking anything?!?!?!

Carrie ds is covered in bruises, he always has been. No one says anything, I could not be dealing with that on a daily basis! He’s maybe not as covered as when he was younger as he has a bit more coordination than he did but I could do a dot to dot on him in the bath sometimes. Summer is worse obvs as he goes to the park a lot.

It’s not just the usual legs and up the arms, he gets them everywhere.

His nursery were like that, I used to say you tell me?! he did it here yesterday or something similar. Made me paranoid they thought I was abusing him. Kids always been a psycho even at nursery so I was suprised they used to ask how a kid who is constantly climbing or running had bruises.

I emailed in to current school a few months ago regarding a bruise he had done at home, it was half the size of his thigh, never seen a bruise on him that big so thought I’d better mention it as he swims twice a week so they would of seen it, it turned black it was so bad and took nearly a month to go away, they just messaged back thanks for letting us know but never mentioned it again, they might’ve asked ds how he did it and he would of verified what happened, but they don’t mention anything to me about what he does there either and he’s always coming back with scrapes and bruises.

I thought I’d give u all a laugh, ds has stooped to a new low and stole his teachers computer keys today 🤣🤣 even took the springs.

I said whose computer is that from ds?

‘My teachers’

danni she won’t be getting much done without those 😆

So hard buying gifts so soon after Christmas. Ds wanted some more board games. We’ve also got him a snap circuits set, a new computer game and some other bits and pieces including a dress up helmet. I think he will get cash from grandparents as we have zero ideas left.

carrie I guess they have to follow up from a safeguarding point of view, but if he’s clumsy at home he’s probably clumsy at school too and they should see that.

We’ve had a quiet afternoon. In between TV we read some stories and played games. I have got nothing done from my to-do list. It was raining so we didn’t go out but I did walk on my new treadmill.

I’ve ordered a habit tracking calendar from Amazon that will arrive tomorrow.

The keys really made me laugh haha.

Feeling really uneasy about the bus situ still, DH thinks I'm being totally ridiculous though. I will talk to the daycare today and see if they can reassure me in some way.

Sadly the week is not really going well, lots of crying from DD in the evening, morning, night - not meltdowns really but just really sad, ongoing crying (almost worse than meltdown tbh). I guess it's the adjustment back to routine after 2 weeks off. Makes me feel really sad and guilty for her though.

Meanwhile DH is interviewing for new jobs. Fair enough as he hasn't been happy in his current one for a while, BUT the current one is very flexible re working from home, timings for finishing, etc - has been super helpful for everything with DD (well both DDs really). I'm really dreading a change to that.

Does the school say she is upset there @Ahna65 or is it just at home? I’ve raised stuff like this with school before and it amazes me when they say he’s been fine there. Hope things get better.

Yes I understand re DH. It’s difficult isn’t it. DH works long hours and does v little with the kids but I have family support. If I did not I’m not sure I could work. It’s a concern as family support is getting less as FIL and parents move from mid 70s to nearer 80. When they can’t do anything at all I feel I will have to stop working as DH won’t compromise. He earns several times what I do. I would try and perhaps do a few hours doing something but could not manage a job with the responsibility I have now. If DH’s input with DDs had to become less, could you have more flex with your job? Would you want to?

was in the office yesterday and lots of chat from mid 30s staff who are still having weekends/ mini breaks away with DHs (many quite exotic overseas!) whilst parents/ Inlaws happily had the kids. Tbf both would have DD she’s a breeze.

carrie if you’re a lawyer and your dh earns several times what you do, can’t you just get a nanny, at least part time, to help out? That would enable you to work pt.

I hadn’t thought of that Open. I’ve always been a bit adverse for various reasons, some maybe more valid than others. First everyone on Sen boards claims they are like gold dust to find. Second, can I really find one who is happy to deal with a 7 year old having for eg if not awful behaviour constant toilet accidents? Third I don’t trust a lot of people with DS. I won’t for eg even leave him with SIL, I would hate to think of people saying/ thinking ‘can you believe he still does that/ doesn’t do that at 7!’. GP I know don’t think like that but I bet a lot of people would. Finally which is a different issue I do think often if GP can’t be there for him when I’m not I want it to be me. It should then be me, I’m his mum and he’s more important than any job.

so those thoughts really.

I know our families are all different but i often think just how radically different our lives would be if we had stopped at one child which we very nearly did. I’d have I know got partnership at work, I’d be full time, earning significantly more, DD would be delighted to stay with GP as would they… DH and I would be out all the time, meals, weekends away, DD is now of the age where she could be joining us with a lot of that.

just a very different life.

Honestly, carrie, there’s no point going there. We all make choices every day that impact our lives for better or worse. With partnership I’m sure there is more stress, responsibility and longer hours; It’s probably not all a walk in the park - especially as a woman?

That’s all true Open. I think with law a lot depends on the firm. My previous one would have been v hard work. This one is more open and flexible and we do have quite a few partners who are women and mums. You are right though, nothing is without downsides 🙂.

I would then have been posting as carriebradshawwithjustasmanydesIgnershoes 🤣

Re. getting in help, all your reasons are valid and understandable. I’m sure it would take a while to find the right person, but hopefully a SEN experienced person would not think ‘why are they still doing x,y,z at 7’. I only mentioned it because you have said how much you enjoy work, and having that adult time to yourself.

Finally which is a different issue I do think often if GP can’t be there for him when I’m not I want it to be me. It should then be me, I’m his mum and he’s more important than any job.

This is exactly how I feel and I have no regrets about not going back to work. I did think I’d be working part-time once he was in school but it’s not turned out like that and that’s ok. I appreciate that I’m in a privileged position though as we’re financially very sound.

That’s not to say it’s easy or I don’t sometimes wish I had more time to myself. Mostly I think we just need to find a trustworthy babysitter do that we can have some time out together. But, like you, I find it very hard to trust ds with people. I don’t know how I get over that.

I would then have been posting as carriebradshawwithjustasmanydesIgnershoes there are only so many shoes you can wear

Yes and I think like you say everything comes with pros and cons and sometimes whatever they are we have no choice. Sometimes we do have a choice.

the job/ no job is a debate in itself!! I stand by my view if GPS can watch the kids, and of course I hope DS will get easier as he gets older, I would choose to work. I do enjoy the actual job but I also now am psychologically used to earning money (more than probably actually needing it), I’m in that mindset. Also stuff like, I can’t go into detail as too outing, but I haven’t laughed as much in months as I did yesterday at various non work discussions with colleagues. It gave me something to relay to DH whose response is always the same (a frown and comment ‘only lawyers Carrie, only lawyers…..) 🤣🤣🤣. I had lunch with a colleague, a glass of wine with others once we had wrapped up. Things like that are nice.

Obviously DS comes first tho! Open I admire how you are still motivated by things like exercise and general well being when you are not working. For me the make up and lovely shoes and clothes go on for work, the nice eateries, careful thought of what to order and so on. When at home I’m in scruffs, hair scraped back today (not washed it), no make up, eating crap at home, I’ll probably not leave the house today. I need to get out of that work means effort and me time and home means being a slob tho!!! It’s not good is it!

not clever enough to cut and paste but re your shoe comment Open I know, especially since I have nowhere to wear the buggers most times!!! 🤣🤣🤣

And trust, yes, absolutely I agree. I do think family are a first choice. I know your parents and IL are older too, but think you mentioned siblings, older nieces/ nephews? Really no suitable candidates?! 🤣 I’m an only child but rely massively on 2 cousins who are great with the kids (they are their godparents) and who i would trust with my life!!

I don't really trust too many people with DS as he is quick to get upset and he has been through so much with people who dont understand him at his old school which has really made him lack confidence as it is. I think even a sen nanny would need lots of time to get to know him and build a relationship. I made the decision about 18 months ago now to go part time and work in a school,which meant a bit of a career change for me,but I'm still essentially doing the same thing but for less money and more flexibility. I'm also much less micro managed now but I do miss being part of a big team. I applied for something different but related recently, part time but more money and remote, but of course much less holiday. I feel like I need to be there for DS, he really need me to ground and cement his confidence, but I also love my work.
I think it doesn't do to dwell on what ifs. @carriebradshawwithlessshoes what if there was no DS but you made partner,but then the stress of it was too much etc. You would also never have met your DS and learned what it really means to find grace and rise above anger, irritation etc. My DS has taught me so much about what it means to be a good person and live in a meaningful and connected way. I'm a much nicer and better person now.
And yes the odd date night is great, but would you really want to be out with DH all the time? I think often parents who do this have tiny babies or toddlers and it changes as they get older anyway.

Ha ha no, Uno, def wouldn’t want to be out with DH all the time 🤣. I think it’s more things like I’ve seen more of the world than DH, we met when I was 32, I was 34 when I got married and had DD at 35, so not loads of time to go places with DH. Would love for eg to have seen places like NYC with DH, Paris, travelled further to Aus/NZ with him. Now, DD would be fine for those trips or would be fine to stay with GP. I cannot ever see how DH and me can go to any of those places together given DS! I will die having never been to NY with DH and yet I know he would love it!!!

so stuff like that rather than wanting to rock bars every weekend with him..

and yet yes, DS will come in at 4pm with his gorgeous smile, blonde hair sticking up all over (needs a cut), huge eyes looking super cute and give me a big hug and a sloppy kiss and then yes, I know that’s more important than NYC.

You all keep saying things btw that impress me and yet I don’t say it. So whilst I’m here just to say I’m v impressed…

• at Opens ny res as above
• that Uno has written a book! Bloody hell, when did you find time?! Have you sent it to any publishers?
• that Ahna talks so easily about being able to speak/ learn Dutch to the degree she can get by! I’ve various friends with partners whose first language isn’t English and they have tried soooo hard to learn but have brain block so gave up as would I (German and Italian)
• dimples for everything she manages to do on her own!

others too but those are in my head 🤣🤣

You’re so right Uno. Having children forces you to work on yourself in ways you can’t possibly understand when you are child free. Doubly so when you have a SN child. I’m still a WIP, probably always will be.

Dh and I had 6 years together before ds was born so we were able to visit lots of places, including NYC. I do miss travel but I wouldn’t trade it for ds.

carrie it’s easy to write a resolution 😆