Primary school auties: summer and the new academic year - thread 7

[openupmyeagereyes]

New thread.

This is the continuation of the thread for parents / carers of autistic children / children with additional needs. Most of us are parents of children in year 1 / year 2.

Links to old threads

Thread 1 - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/3080753-DS-with-ASD-starting-school-Sept-2018-I-am-feeling-overwhelmed

Thread 2 - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/3451020-Reception-auties-2018-19-thread-2

Thread 3 - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/3628263-Auties-transition-to-Year-1-thread-3

Thread 4 - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/3748449-Primary-school-Auties-into-2020-thread-4

Thread 5 - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/3953023-Primary-school-auties-summer-and-beyond-thread-5?pg=1

Thread 6 - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/4166833-Primary-school-auties-spring-2021-and-beyond-thread-6?pg=1

Day 3 of ds refusing his medication (open with school, ds is opens ds but with medication)

I’m trying chocolate milkshake for school next week, smoothie for home.

If it doesn’t work back at the drawing board. Which I’m sick of being stood at 😂

Open I’m sorry ds didn’t go in again, does he leave there at Xmas and start new one January? X

Carrie have a nice time at the panto.

danni yes, he finishes at his old school in two weeks and starts his new one in January. Hopefully the build will be ready by then...

Hope that the panto went well Carrie

Hope that milkshake works Danni

Fingers crossed re new school build and good new re writing.

Had a call from school at lunch time DS's 1:1 has tested positive for covid. Aggghhh!

I’m back!!! Cinderella’d off!! No more ‘he’s behind you’ please!!

The theatre was me and DS at the end of the front row, then mostly a private girls school with their head at the end of the front row (opp end to us!). Behind us was a nice teacher from the school.

DS was really good, needed a booster seat he’s tiny (!!) and insisted on holding my hand and having a hug but stayed put! I kept glancing at him and his little face was beaming! The head got picked on thank the lord… Pete! The girls all thought it was hilarious seeing their head in that position.

Only challenge was the girls on the row behind had a vast array of sweets and I could see DS turning round having a good look and grinning at them… I kept hold of his hand as I thought he was going to launch himself anytime and just help himself! Exactly as per what I’ve just said upthread! The teacher passed him a choc coin he was gawping so much. I did have sweets for him but was trying to space them out…! So all good.

I watched the documentary too. I think personally what I watch these things to see is how the children are day to day, what their challenges are and how the families deal etc. There wasn’t much about that in the programme, just odd comments. It was more about them as a couple. I found the Paul Scholes bit REALLY hard as I always do, when he said he’s now accepted his son will not speak. I think all the time will I be saying that about DS one day?? I hate extracts of TV like that they really worry me (even more than what I’m worried.)

I read a separate article yes the kids are in MS although I didn’t really think the extent of their issues were clear. They all appeared quite high functioning from what I could glean.

I was also surprised at the statistic since I would not say 70pc of the mums of asd children on this board have them in mainstream do they… or do they?!

For us I’ve fundamentally accepted now that as I have a child who CANNOT speak or communicate in any other fashion, consistently, it’s just impossible for him to be there. If he was a fluent signer or aac user snd he had a TA who could sign or whatever that’s fine but we are not in that situation. We have a situation where there is an absolute concrete wall between DS on one side and the staff and kids on the other. They simply do not have the expertise, skill or inclination to try and break through it. Many would say that’s not the role of a ms school I’m sure.

They have treated DS appallingly (recap, I was only at the panto cos they wouldn’t take him, well it was fine.) But he’s way too severe in his communication challenges (aside from anything else) for them to crack.

Oh no dimples, you must be thoroughly fed up with testing. I hope you all remain negative.

carrie I’m glad ds enjoyed the panto and you didn’t get called on. Understand the emotions around ds’ communication and the school situation, it must be very difficult.

Thank goodness it’s the weekend. Time to get our decorations out.

I am Open we tested negative but I am feeling a bit tight chested today.

DS is demanding I get decs down from the attic but I have told him that the house needs to be tidied first. Strangely neither of my messy monkeys are willing to help.

So glad that the panto was a success Carrie

Is it bed time yet?

dimples could be anxiety?

We went to our local NT winter lights tonight. Ds did ok but didn’t want to linger at anything and no stopping for mulled wine. A whistle stop tour

Open that sounds like our visit last year. I was running to catch up with (with DD on my back).

It could well be anxiety. DS and I both tested negative for covid but DS woke at 3 last night complaining of a sore throat. However, after a drink he declared himself cured so I think that he had just slept with his mouth open.

Magrat I finished listening to Song of Achilles. I really enjoyed it so thank you for the recommendation. I'm listening to A Christmas Carol now! I will download Circe in the new year.

Glad you did @openupmyeagereyes
I've just finished Piranesi. My word, what was that?!? I think it's my new favourite book but also what?!

Magrat I felt like that when I read The Magus years ago.

Ds refused to go into school again today. He's currently angry because he doesn't want to do any work before he gets the TV. Sigh.
I am just thoroughly fed up of the whole bloody situation.

I just despair of it being any different at the new school.

Open, have you been open (sorry no pun intended) with the new place about his school refusal? Presumably the current school have notified them of his refusal to go/ reasons for that. What do they say? DS is DS and yes, on the face of it why should he behave differently, but surely the value of the new school will be (should be) that they understand this, have experience of this and have suggestions and strategies around it to engage him with learning.

It’s like I’ve said DS won’t sit in class. A poster on mn wrote about her DS not sitting down, he left ms, very familiar. She said to the new SS he won’t sit in your classroom. The SS said oh I think you will find he does. Mum said no, he won’t. 3 months later he was sitting beautifully. Now I don’t know how they got from a to b but they did.. presumably thanks to their knowledge, expertise and experience. Which is what surely we all hope will be there in spades when they transition???

Dimples sorry I laughed my head off at DS and his mouth open story!! That’s so funny! Hope you are all ok, anxiety can have various weird effects.

I’m mulling over something and going to sound a real cow but will say it anyway. I’ve always, always been very appreciative and generous with anyone who has helped my kids at Christmas (last year, idiot I am, bought the school staff champagne!!). This year with the class teacher and one to one (of DS) I physically can’t bring myself to send a card even after how they have treated him. That said I don’t want a horrible situation for him in the NY, DH is saying of course I have to get something. Thoughts???

A poster on mn wrote about her DS not sitting down, he left ms, very familiar. She said to the new SS he won’t sit in your classroom. The SS said oh I think you will find he does. Mum said no, he won’t. 3 months later he was sitting beautifully. You see if that was me saying that about ds, 3 months later they would say, you were right he won’t sit. Or insert which ever other behaviour. Ds wont do anything like that to suprise me. Ever. I know what he will / won’t do and nothing anyone tries changes it. Really frustrating!

Open, I don’t think special schools have any different magic tricks up their sleeves to get him in but maybe the environment / not as much pressure placed on him will hopefully make ds want to go?

Ive been trying to help ds be more independent lately. (I do absolutely everything for him) I’ve been teaching him to use the tv remote this weekend. Just little things like that but need him to learn to do more for himself.

Not that I mind doing it, I don’t. Im just very aware he’ll be an adult one day.

(He’s 8 next month! Wtf!)

Carrie I’m like that, I always buy gifts. I like to do it when they deserve it. But I feel the same as you. Sometimes you just can’t bring yourself to it.

His old school I bought them nothing when he left. (Id previously bought his 1-1’s Yankee candles etc) I’d had a dreadful last few months with them and they didn’t deserve it. And I didn’t like his old teacher. I didn’t get them Xmas gifts either.

This school, I’m feeling similar. I’ve had to send a chocolate Santa in for the raffle this morning, I felt like squashing it putting it in ds bag

Ds is just adamant that he hates school and hates doing any school work. I fully appreciate that it might be because he feels he can't access it etc. but what if it's not? Surely some kids just don't like school and see no value in it or is this always only because the family don't either? The book that I'm working through with ds he can do fine when he engages. He knows this and yet he is still refusing to do three pages of it - they are all quite quick to do, not lengthy at all, I'm just trying to keep him ticking over not to tax him too much.

I just hope that when we all visit the school together that they do find a way to engage him. I'm just so worried that they won't, especially if he won't even go in.

And that many people work with ds it annoys me actually, it costs a fortune when you’ve got to buy 4 gifts or so. I have bought the taxi / escort a bag of quality streets each and I’ve bought 4 bags of quality streets for his school teachers, that I’ll begrudgingly send, but if they piss me off in the next week I’ll eat them myself lol.

carrie I would just give a card and buy something small, not to the value you normally would.

Ds finally sat down and did his three pages after 2pm. It only takes a couple of minutes for each one, he should be doing much more but I really don't want to put him completely off. He put a few ornaments on our Christmas tree that we put up yesterday and is now watching YouTube. We're off to a friend's house after (their) school.

danni great that you're teaching ds independence. Ds is eight next month too. I can't quite believe it.

carrie sorry, yes we've been very up front about the school refusal and it's in his EHCP. The LA will have copies of his reduced timetable paperwork and I'm sure it will have been discussed at the panel. Of course I'm hoping ds will love the new school and all this will be behind me but I'm just worried that he won't and I'll end up with a reluctant homeschooler who will miss out on all his new school will have to offer him.

It’s really hard, isn’t it… I think there’s a few ways of looking at it. Open, is your DS affected by the environment at all? Too busy, loud, or whatever? If the environment is different elsewhere then you would hope his reaction may be different. The book example you mention, is it that he just isn’t interested in the book? Are there things they do at school that would interest him and engage him, whether that be art, craft stuff, something other than what DSs OT calls the ‘dry’ schoolwork stuff. I guess there’s then the aba incentiver/ reward approach, would he do some work for x in return (I think Magrat has mentioned this.) There’s then the relationship angle Magrat talked about… that over time he builds a relationship of respect with staff that means they get more out of him than perhaps certainly what I can get out of even DD!! And finally my own thought with DS that surely at some point he will recognise that there are things he has to do that he may not want to. I was in a shop with DS on Saturday, he was messing around, larking. Knocking stuff off, I told him off (I admit to no avail). The woman on the till made some comment and I said oh, he just gets fidgety and doesn’t like waiting whilst I look at (in this case Christmas cards.) She said yes, but he has to realise that it’s not all about him and what he wants. Initially I though silly cow, he’s just got a diagnosis of adhd (nearly told her!!) but after I thought, I hope that he will someday realise that because it is true.

So who knows but there are so many variables I think we can only hope that with different interventions, people, strategies and perhaps just more maturity things do change. I could well be talking bollocks but that’s what I hope for DS.

Danni eat the QS I would have done so already by now!!!

The LA caseworker asked an interesting qu… I was slagging off school last week on the phone and he said ok Carrie, look, school… I’ve an open cheque book, resources, everything here you can have for DS to make it work for him in a school… what does he need? What does he want? What can I give you? (Obviously hypothetical qu). I stammered over my answer but it made me think really about what the answer would be (and even if I know!!)

@carriebradshawwithlessshoes I do bribe DS sometimes to go to bed etc but just to be clear, I would never call it aba, nor would I ever advocate aba. I don't ever say to him to do school work then he gets kindle etc as it wouldn't work and would just stress him out. He is very demand avoidant so I wait until he is interested and join in with what he is doing.