Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

SN children

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on special needs.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

OK nosey survey following on from another thread.

167 replies

gess · 23/09/2007 10:12

Do you like being told that parents of SN children are recipients of a 'special gift' or chosen by God because some higher power knew we could cope? (sorry expat pinched some of your wording there).

I'm interested to know what the figures are, I reckon its 50:50 love/loathe the comments. I'm in the loathe camp

OP posts:

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 23/09/2007 19:55

I don't mind holding my hand up and saying yes, there is an element if jealousy (envy?) in my imapatience and irriation atwhat people say sometimes...because they get to make their comments, feel good about themselves knowing they were at least trying to be kind.. and move on. I'm left with (what I sometimes define as "my" shit) life. But this is my issue, I know, and I'm doing myself no favours thinking that way.. it just makes it harder. So I try not to.

lourobert · 23/09/2007 19:57

bubbla- I just re-read through posts and I cant see anyone having had a personal attack at you, this is a senstive topic and theres bound to be paretns with strong opinions etc that they want to voice. Ive only just started on this road compared to some of the other parents who may well have experienced many more negatives and horrible experiences than I have. Sont think that people are having a go at you, maybe they disagree with your points but then thats ok to discuss them isnt it....its just opened up a big can of worms!!

I find it dis-heartening that the peron you tried talking to Gess still hasnt really changed their opinion or maybe put more thought in the things they say to you!!

bubblagirl · 23/09/2007 19:58

i'm sorry about the full stops and i'm unsure about the fairy story part, if that was aimed at me take a walk in my life before you judge every word i spoke was the truth thanks for the support

and once again i'm sorry for all of you that are having tough times i too have had my fair share i was just trying to be nice

Blandmum · 23/09/2007 19:58

But if people really care about me and dh, then they do things that help us, not irritate us.

We love it when people visit and take us out of ourselves. The last thing that we need to do, with our precious remaining time, is to make other people feel better, I just don't have the time or the inclination.

One of the people that we see tells us just to drop people like this because they don't help. They just make me irritated and angry.

If you want to help people, and I'm sure that you do, you have to help them in a way that actually helps them.

Blandmum · 23/09/2007 20:00

No, the fairy story part was aimed at the man who lives across the road who, every time I see him tells me that my dying husband may live, because he may be the 1 in a million. that is the fairlt tale he tells himself to make him feel better. It just pissed me off! It doesn't help me. And I don't care how well intentioned he is. I wish he would bloody stop doing it.

Amazing as this seems, I'm not aiming this at you.

lou33 · 23/09/2007 20:01

i wish you would understadn we are not attacking you as a person, just disagreeing with some of your points

maybe take a walk in our shoes if you think we should do it for you

it goes both ways you know

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 23/09/2007 20:03

Where is this other thread anyway? Can someone link me.

lourobert · 23/09/2007 20:04

mb- when my son was dx I had to cut out a friend of 22 years because her comments and thoughts were just far too much for me to be able to nod along too and I had to be selfish and protect myself by not seeing her anymore. You just dont need people like that.

Original poster

gess · 23/09/2007 20:08

Gosh yes I can see that would be immensley irritating MB- the equivalent of people who tell me that ds1 will talk.

lourobert- it used to really really upset irritate me. what the counselling made me realise what that this person does that because they can't deal with the reality of ds1. So they create their own fantasy, probably subconciously- and they probably always will - even when he's an adult. It's because the 'truth' is too awful for them to deal with (in their eyes- I don't actually think it has to be that awful- depends how you view it). It was helpful to have that explained, and to be told to stop trying to get them to understand- they never ever will- to just practice letting it go, letting the words wash over us, and to stop caring that they don't get it. It does work to an extent although it would be easier if they would tune into Reality FM.

OP posts:

Blandmum · 23/09/2007 20:09

Something that gess has said has really struck a chord in me.

When people do the 'But it all could be OK, be positive line' I do get irritated because the inference is that I'm being too negative.

So they can be positive, but I'm bad for being too negative.

Of course, they have the luxury of being able to be blind to the facts and thus can be 'positive' about it all.

But I have to deal with the reality. Which is negative

And this is what it must be like re the SN thing as well. You all have to deal with the reality.

TotalChaos · 23/09/2007 20:09

Never been told anything like this, but do get told quite often about Einstein . Hate any sentimental malarkey, poetry etc.

Blandmum · 23/09/2007 20:10

cross post there gess.

TotalChaos · 23/09/2007 20:10

and I really identify with the positive/negative issues too - childless friends are far better at respecting that if I am worried, it's not me choosing to be neurotic, that I may well have valid concerns.

Twiglett · 23/09/2007 20:11

I'm not sure I understand why Bubbla keeps coming on and posting more and more about how hurt you are

Can you not just appreciate that many many people find these kind of comments inapporpriate

You do not need tragic circumstances in your life to give you credibility in being empathetic

This thread is not directed at you, anyone reading can tell that, and your consistent 'its about me' posts are starting to jarr for me tbh

Original poster

gess · 23/09/2007 20:12

Yep precisely MB. I had so many problems with one particular person because of that. And what I really resented was because she was in La La Land (still is) then I'd end up being negative to try and get us somewhere back near reality. So she actually made me more negative that the reality iyswim. Gosh the counselling really helped me understand the dynamics of that one!

Bloody Einstein not talking until he was 3/4/5/6 (take your pick I've had them all). I now just tell them he was autistic

OP posts:

Twiglett · 23/09/2007 20:12

I for one can't stand people being 'nice' to me . .it makes me want to rip their throat out

but if they're real .. that's different

TotalChaos · 23/09/2007 20:13

I did do that last time Gess, and got a lecture about all the positive aspects of ASD , I'ld swear this lady had been reading aspies for freedom on the sly

Blandmum · 23/09/2007 20:14

In my clamer moments I can probably see that people say these things out of good intentions. I don't think that they are being wilfully annoying.

I think that some situations are so horrible that people can't accept them, and have to blank them out by spinning the 'It may all be OK' line.

But however well intentioned it doesn't help me. It just irritates the shit out of me.

The best way anyone has coped with the 'I don't know what to say' situation was to say 'I don't know what to say, I just don't want you to think I'm ignoring you, if I can do anything let me know'

And that was great.

lourobert · 23/09/2007 20:15

Gess, I saw a counsellor for 6 wasted weeks and youve just made more sense with your last post than she did in the whole bloody time....makes alot of sense in my mind!!

Blandmum · 23/09/2007 20:15

calmer I'm not a farking clam, obv!

Original poster

gess · 23/09/2007 20:17

PMSL TC- print out Donna Williams stuff on autism culture vs condition for her to digest.

Sometimes "ok do you want to swap?' works

OP posts:

lou33 · 23/09/2007 20:17

yes twig i agree with everything you said

shit the bed , if i wrote down all the crap i have had in my life it wouldnt mean anyone would change their mind over a pov i had

it would just make them wish i would go away lol

you are failing to read any response that says it isnt about you personally

but im not going to bother to keep reiterating this anymore, its getting dull

lou33 · 23/09/2007 20:18

i think you would make a lovely clam mb

Original poster

gess · 23/09/2007 20:19

mb- I thikn you have enough to deal with without having to take on other people iykwim.

Lourobert - my counsellor has something like 30 years experience of working with autism and families affected by autism (also hand on with autistic children) so she really really got it. And ALWAYS had a story to tell of someone who'd been through something similar- which was incredibly helpful.

OP posts:

Twiglett · 23/09/2007 20:19

[http://images.marapets.com/water/clam.gif this is you MB]]

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7