OK nosey survey following on from another thread.

[gess]

Do you like being told that parents of SN children are recipients of a 'special gift' or chosen by God because some higher power knew we could cope? (sorry expat pinched some of your wording there).

I'm interested to know what the figures are, I reckon its 50:50 love/loathe the comments. I'm in the loathe camp

My brother has severe learning difficulties. Very often we had to explain to people what was wrong with him whilst he was there listening. He didn't like the fact that he was different, he wanted to be like everyone else. When we told him that he was "special" he really responded to that, it made him feel like a worthy person. I started using it to describe him, so instead of saying "my brother has severe learning difficulties and cannot do X, Y or Z" I would say "My brother is special" and the person I was addressing understood immediately what I was getting at. My brother was much happier with this and so I used it for everyone with sn. Then, it was on Mumsnet, I was told that this was offensive. I was shocked and sad that something I used to make children with sn feel good about themselves was now seen as offensive. Not by them, but by their parents.

Very sad. I no longer use the word.

Rhubarb like your db my dd is special
(loved your other post on chat......pat on back)

Rhubarb - my dd is the opposite - she loathes being called 'special'. To her, special means different and she wants to be the same as other children not different.

We're a contrary lot aren't we?

I don't think the debate is really about calling children special (although I know some like/some don't- tbh I'm not that fussed- ds1 doesn't really have any concept anyway. I do know a local clinical psych says to be careful about using the term around siblings...) It was about being told that 'only special parents have special children'. When in fact anyone can have a disabled child.

Quote from MB 'When people do the 'But it all could be OK, be positive line' I do get irritated because the inference is that I'm being too negative.

So they can be positive, but I'm bad for being too negative.

Of course, they have the luxury of being able to be blind to the facts and thus can be 'positive' about it all.

But I have to deal with the reality. Which is negative '

Thats so it. They actually have a go at you for being negative. Probably cos the reality makes them uncomfortable. They want you to be happy and spout about 'special' or a 'gift' because it sounds better and also gives them something to say.
My DD has severe quadraplegic CP, no independant movement. I was explaining to my mum that I wouldbe feeding dd and wiping or bum for ever and ever till I die and she accused me of being negative and I should look on the bright side.
Is there a bright side to caring for a severely disabled child until you are old and grey? A bright side to dd never being able to be independant or do anything for herself? A bright side to begging SS for help because I have MS (actually, there's a bright side to MS. I prrobably wont live long enough to get totally grey and exhausted caring for dd)
Mostly I just ignore cras comments but sometimes I want to shake someone out of their complacent world where deciding where you're going on holiday is the hardest thing that year and shout 'look at what I'm going through!'
But that is me being envious at how lovely and ignorant they are able to be. I wish I could.

Thinkg of Pollyanna now. She needed a good slapping

No. I don't believe in God and I don't see my child as any more of a 'special gift' than anyone else's.

I loathe this sort of comment.

the other thing that shits me to tears is the comments - especially when dd1 was poorly post cardiac surgery - how is dd1? and I bloody well knew they were not interested really ( usually the looking over my shoulder and the glazed eye look) at first I used to tell them in excruiating detail then it became a fine because it was a hollow meaningless convention - you know - better ask after the sick child but can't be arsed to actually help or be practical and realistic.

I have also learnt along the way - just because people work with people who have sn - they don't always get it.

I also have some friends who are the parents of children who do not have sn and are fabulous with dd1 and appreciate what it is like for us as parents and as a family.

fio

here

how is the wee one??

Well I work with children with sn and I have a brother with sn. Most of my work colleagues are in the job because they too have relatives with sn, either children or nephews/nieces or brothers/sisters. But even the ones who don't have personal experience of children with sn, they are all lovely and treat the children with utmost respect and a genuine fondness.

I think you have to accept that people have different ways of dealing with things. For my db and us, describing him as "special" helped all of us, for my sister with her ds who has Downs Syndrome, she also uses the term "special" and it helps her too.

For others it is patronising and unhelpful. I accept this and I no longer use the term out of the family boundaries, but please don't jump down the throats of those people who still do use the term. They may have had an entirely different reaction from people like me who find it comforting.

I wish we were all better at accepting each other and didn't nit-pick at people who only mean well. I appreciate the thought and sentiment half the time, even if they have used inappropriate wording. It helps to see behind the words and find the meaning there.

rhubarb - you have been lucky then - unfortunately I have come across - they are few in number true- but some that are not like that.

I imagine when I qualify i will specialise in Sn, its what I know, iyswim.

RE: the special thng- DS1 attens a Sn rugby club and last year they ahd to vote on a name (parents didnt get a say, cub trainers and kids), they voted on the 'Newport Specials'. A few parents (me included) we re a bit 'oh no!' but if the kids are happy I guess, and I cant criticise the leasers, they are fubulous and volunteers, bloody amazing poeple (now, us aprents- we're just here bewcause we are. Volunteers that run stuff like this- now, they're the gift from insert-deity-of-choice- or- cite Dakins-if- it- suits- you LOL).

Sam was on the sofa last night, said somethinga but gettinge xtra support for schoolwork... 'because I am special needs'. Inknow we use the term a lot with regads to stuff at home, but it was way he said it so matter of fact- ia sked how he felt about the term, he just said 'well i am aren't I'. I love that pragmatism, he gets in from me LOL.

Rhubard, I SO agree with you - but isn't that what a lots of people have said - that whilst they do not like the term they never react negatively?
I personally don't like it but I never betray that to anyone who says it to me. And intent is EVERYTHING as far as I am concerned. One of the most comforting strangers in one of my darkest times was a little old lady who greeted me with " aw bless him - is the little man retarded". She meant nothing but kindness and was lovely.
I have heard from too many people who are capeable of sneering 'PC' terms - even remeber in a kids film where one child character sneers at another " what - are you in special ed".