OK nosey survey following on from another thread.

[gess]

Do you like being told that parents of SN children are recipients of a 'special gift' or chosen by God because some higher power knew we could cope? (sorry expat pinched some of your wording there).

I'm interested to know what the figures are, I reckon its 50:50 love/loathe the comments. I'm in the loathe camp

i only said that to be supportive as they are the comments parents make to me i didn't know it would start a hate campaigne i'll stick to dealing with the parents i work with and i'll respect that othrs dont have the same views but i'll stick to the ones who actually respect the work i do with them and will not allow myself to be so upset

i think it smopre because the thread origionally started over nastiness i was nice and whole new thread made about my niceness wether you agreed with what i said or not i wasn't slagging sn children off i was being supportive sorry again hope when people are being supportive your not so rude to them other wise you might understand why people would rather ignore as they probabl;y could never say the right thing anyway

i'm attatched with the children i work with and will continue to see them as there parents do x

well i hve no idea what the other thread is about, so i wasnt replying based on whatever it was you said

but the fact remains i do find it very annoying

i am not blessed by having a sn child any more than i am with having 3 other kids with no sn

like i said your child is your child, what are we going to do, say oh no i dont want that one, can i change him/her?

you just get on with being a parent and doing the best for your kids

it does annoy me and i wont apologise for that

the thing abut being special/strong to have been sent a sn child as well assumes it is something that happened from birth, where in fact many conditions are not diagnosed until they are much older, which goes back to my point of saying what these people expect us to actually do ?

Loathe.

I suppose on the type of 'gift' it is. If, like somebody earlier you have a physical disability that just makes life hard then no it isn't a gift.

If you have some sort special skill as some HFA/AS children do like being able to draw or play music then maybe it is but there are very few of those around. And then surely it is the special ability that is the gift not the SN?

My DS1 has AS and I don't think of it as a gift at all. I think some things in his life are always going to be hard than they are for NT people and that makes me sad.

S.b. I suppose it depends on.

I case I didn't make it clear I hate it too.

why such a silly thread when someone was clearly trying to offer support and is now virtually being made to feel like shit and you wonder why people choose to ignore or dont know what to say

how about the fact she works with people with sn you all might think its horrible but clearly the people she works with find comfort in this and this is why she has been educated to feel like this stop being so mean and jsut accept that she isn't the only one to think this way stop taking it badly and except its hard for people without sn children to give support but at least they are trying

and stop making her feel so bad she should be rewarded for working with sn and there families now stop making her look bad when there are alot of nasty people out there towards sn and you choose to pick on the girl with the nice words even if you didn't think so there was nothing nasty in what she said but in a way beautiful words and trying to offer support i dont see my sn child as a gift from god but i do feel i have her for a reason and certainly dont pick on people who offer me support as i'm more used to stares and whispers they are the ones who should be picked on

I think that people often like to say things to excuse themselves from helping you or because they feel guilty that they can't be bothered to help you.
Also if anyone were to say to me that I am a saint to be able to cope with everything, I think that would make me feel inadequate, since I am obviously not a saint! But no-one has said it. Someone did say that I am strong enough and that is why I have been given my son, to which I replied 'how do you know? I might be weak and this could be a test for you instead, to see if you will help your friend', followed by embarrased(sp?) shuffling.....
But no, I generally don't like it.
Their reaction should be to offer help, respite, lifts, that kind of thing.

am definitely in loathe camp

(mind you, Holland gets on my tits as well)

a woman in town told me that she has been "chosen" to have her sn kids because god had given her these children - he "knew she was a good parent and she would be able to cope"

what b*llcks tbh. She was a horrible woman, quit dim and insensitive and shouty

god i hate the holland poem too

Well personally I loath it. I think it is actually often a way of saying - I'm glad it is you and not me. It is a way of distancing people from the possibility that genes or luck or life might suddenly place them in that same situation..

Bubblagirl.
Whilst I hear that you are upset at being considered badly here can I just ramp the emotion down a little and ask you a couple of questions? Honestly ?
If you are saying something that many parents of SN children find difficult, would you not rather know that? Why do you take this so personally?
Most responders have said that they understand why people asay these things but find it difficult. I personally have had DS's teachers say this to me. I have of course smiled back at them as I know they are trying to be thoughtful and I would not offend them for the world. But privately I would rather they didn't do it.
As a teacher - would you not rather know that some may dislike it and be too polite to say rather than persisting with it? For all I know you could be DS's teacher.

I have no idea what the other thread is but you seen to be pretty huffy that people are asking an open question honestly

Bubblagirl - you are taking this far too personally.

As far as I can see no-one has slated you personally, they have just said that AS A PARENT OF A CHILD WITH SN they really don't like the religious comments about gifts from God, and how special all parents of children with SN are.

So if you work with parents, some of whom may use those sorts of lines, then it's fine to say it back to them. But don't assume that ALL parents of kids with SN appreciate it. This poll shows that we don't. Nothing against you or what you do, just an observation.

i'm taking it personally as several times now i have said what i said is what the parents say to me not me to them and so there fore they wouldn't just be smiling politely at me the words came from there mouths first and cant stress that fact enough and as i also said if that is how they cope then so be it so how can people with sn say that and then you say thats a way of saying i'm glad itas you not me it was them that said it

itas upsetting me as it was them that said this and i have said that many times and still i'm being told its me in the wrong i work with them they say it to me not me to them i'm there to listen not to tell them god chose them they say that probabl;y as a way to except why there dc has sn and why not ffel like thasst you dont all ahve to be in aggrance but if it helps them then thats great

if you dont like it thats fair enough but explained on last thread i used words that were used for me them words came from mum with sn child support the fact they find comfort in it and stop jumping at me i have said several times it was parents whom say this to me not me just coming out with it

this is why i was upset as people were making me feel bad for saying what other parents say but were taking no notice when i said parents say this to me thats all quick to judge as i dont have sn child but not supporting the fact it came from people with sn dc and i thought however people find comfort is good

i now know that alot of mn dont like this but obviously i know from parents i work with this is how they find comfort so lets stop thinking its my ignorance and remember the fact it came from parents in your situation

i'm sorry to all if i came across rude or arrogant but just wanted to give advice on other thread about rude lady with quotes of what sn parents have said to me and then caused a huge debate i know this is what mn is about but just dont want people to thin k of me differently as a person as i'm not a bad person i spend alot of time listening to parents with sn children and obviously as this is the way they think i know no different but is good to hear how other people handle things i'm sorry agin to all that were affended

i still dont know what other thread you are talking about

bubbla - it wasn;t meant to be personal for goodness sake. I was genuinely interested in how many people with children who have SN actually do find it comforting because most people have said to me that they loathe it (a few I've come across like it). Surely if you're working with families it's better to know if you might unintentionally annoy them? I do agree that people are trying to help when they say it- which is why I smile sweetly when people say it in RL. Am not going to apologise for finding it intenesely irritating though.

I can't frigging cope! I bloody ahev to but its slowly killing me! I ahte to be told that shite.... and much as I adore my kids, ds1's aggression is certainly no special gift!

here's the original thread Lou to get the context.

deeja- just read back your response- PMSL that is brilliant. I think I might use that "no its a test to see how you will support your friend" in future.

I loathe the comment and always ask why god made a child disabled just so he could give me a special gift.
Its a way of non-SN parents to feel better than they aren't giving you a hand cos, after all, you're special.
Its possible that god mistook me for superwoman however, what with DD with her severe epilepsy and quadraplegic cerebral palsy and ds1 with aspergers and now ds2 with dyspraxia.
Must be the gold bra and hotpants.

LOL nmc

suits you btw

thanks gess, skimmed it, dont think it will make me change my opinion, i did see the quotes were from american god fearing parents tho

thats not me

I understand that people who make these comments mean no harm but personally I don't like them. First of all, if you believe in a god/dess then surely all children would be a gift from that god/dess? I don't want my child who isn't on the spectrum feeling inferior or less "chosen" or valued then his brother who is.
Secondly, I find it extremely uncomfortable to be referred to as someone who, as a child, might have been a gift from a god/dess. I am not better than anyone else, I was sent to my parents to give them better ways of coping. There are some things yesterday that I haven't changed at all since the 13 years we've been together, that he despairs of me ever being able to pick up a lot of stuff. That's one of the negatives. There are positive aspects as well, just as there are positive and negative aspects about Ds1's autism. But please, I cannot stress strongly enough how upset it makes me feel to read stories of children who present just as I did as a child, and often as I still present and be told that the parents are saints for dealing with them. I know that there are children who are far more severely on the spectrum than I am and I'm not saying people should never say "you're doing a good job" or "this particular aspect of your child must be difficult for both them and you" but please think about those you are referring to.

Aaargh! The sentence in my last post that read:
"was sent to my parents to give them better ways of coping."

should, of course, read:

"was NOT sent to my parents to give them better ways of coping."

but this again is why i keep saying this and why i'm getting upset the comment i made came from the mouth of a parent with sn child so how can i annoy them they are saying it to me it has annoyed you but i caan't annoy them as they are saying it to me not me to them

and also once again i'm sorry you disagree with there way of thinking but remember i opnly think this way because of what they say to me i'm there to listen not to give advice as such just to support them

i now know not all parents feel this way and i am more aware of this now but i wish people would stop saying maybe i annoy them they say it to me i just listen maybe there children are sn for different reasons yours are maybe ypur dc are challenging and hard work and not as rewarding as the people i'm working with but all there dc have terminal sn maybe this is why they feel this way

sorry to hear your individual needs and i am happy to be understranding parents perceptions with there dc with different sn and maybe if my dc had severe behavioural problems i too wouldn't feel that way but other sn parents do not think the same and there dc needs may be very different to your own there for if they have terminally ill dc let them think this way that comment can go to each individual case and some will agree and some will disagree not all sn is the same

yes but while you feel you should persist with validating your pov, others will feel inclined to do the same