Reposting from chat. Please help!

[Faverolles]

Ds2 is 8, being assessed for possible ASD. He's fine at school, but violent and aggressive at home.
We have some times when things are relatively calm, and we feel that we know what we're doing, then we have weeks like this week, which are absolute hell on earth, and drive us to near breaking point.
I don't know if it's a normal back to school thing, but every evening this week, we've (all the rest of the family - me, dh, ds1, dd and ds3) been threatened, punched, slapped, bitten, spat at, sworn at, insulted constantly.
I can't cope. I know he'll calm down a bit at some point, we'll still have this behaviour, but not as intensely. But for now, the whole family is struggling.
We've explained to the older dc (13 and 11) that they need to back off from ds2, when he's feeling angry, he needs space.
Ds1 in particular seems to think that we are favouring ds2 because he gets more time with us, but this week he has only had more time because he has been wound up to the point of being a danger to himself and the others, and one of us has to help him calm down (he usually ends up sobbing that we should just kill him) and basically supervise him.
Ds1 cannot resist winding him up, he doesn't seem able to back off, so we have more outbursts than we should probably have.
I don't want ds1 and dd to feel responsible, but I want them to understand that how they react to him makes a huge difference to the severity of ds2's behaviour - is this unreasonable of me to expect this? (Really, I genuinely want to know!)

Dh and I are relatively new to this, it's only been a few months that we have allowed ourselves to see that there is a problem, and not a naughty child/crap parent situation.
There isn't really anyone in RL who gets what's going on, mostly they think we're soft on him(we're not), or suggest that we get really cross with him (like we don't do that already, but it doesn't work and makes the situation worse)
He has been referred to CAMHS, but that could take months.

We have noticed that we can do practical things that have helped - putting a tent over his bed, giving him opportunities to tell us how he's feeling, and do something calm with him if he's feeling angry, not taking him to the supermarket etc.

This week is off the wall though. Please, please tell me what else I can do to help him. He's such a lovely little boy when he's not angry.

^ I posted the above in chat, I had a thread in here a while ago, but I've lost it.
I really need practical advice. I feel like our family could break up over this, and I don't want that to happen.

Your posts are all really helpful. It is good to know that this is typical.
It does worry us that at the moment, we seem to have fewer times when we can properly get through to him. He seems to be in his own fantasy world where everything revolves around him for much of the time, and flies off the handle if he calls me and I don't respond immediately. I'm hoping this is typical too?

I am sooo much calmer and quieter with him than I was a couple of months ago. Dh and I rarely shout, we have become ultra fair with all the dc (not that they see it that way!)

Cake making is going to be fun . At least dd can bake very well and will make a back up cake.
Even the chickens turned their beaks up at the last thing ds baked :o

Phew! Something else that's typical :o

I lurk on the G&C thread most days, and do find that there are plenty of similarities.
I showed ds the wasp thingy that you posted on - he loves all things bug like and crawly. He has already made up several facts about it that he swears blind are true, and I can't argue as I don't even know what it is!

We've had an unbelievably calm couple of days
A few short episodes of anger and sweariness, but generally he's fairly relaxed. Makes me doubt myself how life normally is!

Can't work out what we're doing different, the only thing is no school!
I always expect holidays to be a nightmare, but generally, as long as we don't overdo things socially, and do stuff that he's happy to do, we don't get the constant meltdowns.

Is this normal? Does this mean there's no AS but it's something else, because he's so OK at the moment? (Well, since Wednesday after the big morning blowout)

Actually, thinking about it, the Christmas holidays were similar. The first week was dreadful, but once Christmas Day and all the socialising was out of the way, we had a really relaxed week.
I think I wondered then if he'd somehow been cured, but then he went back to school!

Spoke too soon. Situation very much back to normal :o

Saw another thread about dla, and things sound quite similar. Someone mentioned this very early on in this thread, but I never thought any more of it. However, there are things we think we could do to help ds, but haven't the money to consider certain weekly activities and other things.
Is this worth trying without a diagnosis?
I had a quick look at the cerebra guide, and ds definitely needs far more support than our other dc, depressingly more sometimes :(
Would it be a bit scroungy?

Apart from a letter from the consultant to school, we don't have any official reports.
DH and I are meeting the autism outreach lady in a couple of weeks (she spent an afternoon observing ds).
How do we go about it?

Thanks.
I wrote a diary over Christmas , but stopped when I asked the GP for a referral, is it worth starting it again?
Anything else I should be doing?
Should I talk to ds's GP about it?

Been looking at the cerebra guide in more depth.
Quite daunting!

One thing that has struck me is his asthma. This is normal asthma that doesn't stop him doing anything, but he has inhalers twice a day which he cannot be responsible for, as he forgets or refuses to take them. Dh and I have to force hold the mask to his face and administer the inhalers correctly, as otherwise it wouldn't be done properly. His asthma soon gets bad if we don't do this twice a day.
Would I list the asthma so this makes sense, or explain it in the help with medication section?

Sorry.....or is it just relating to any medication connected to AS?

Polter, you really should be charging me for your time, you'd make a fortune
Let me know if you want a pet portrait any time to repay all your continued advice. Sadly that's my only area of expertise!

"it's less hassle playing about on my phone than starting a housey job or just reading a book, because I know I'll get interrupted. "
Oh now that sounds familiar :o

I seem to have lost my account in the password mayhem, so have re-registered.
Just marking my place here before I lose it!

Couple of shit days to report, so no surprise there.
Had to move some garden furniture about, so overexcitement on top of an agitated day ended up with ds throwing stones at the car, me, dh's van, so I had to hold onto ds to stop him and get him into the car and he bit me!
Hoping for a better day tomorrow.

Have rung up for a claim form.
Will it make a difference that ds masks things?
The cerebra guide says they may send a DWP dr to check him - if that happens, all they are likely to see is a normal/ slightly awkward 8 yr old boy.
Should I be covertly videoing?

Yes, I'd like the link if that's ok.
Would they see the difference between a normal tantrum and meltdown?

I spoke to the gp this morning to let her know that we are trying for dla. She's going to contact the consultant and ask if he feels a referral to camhs would be helpful, given that life is, um, challenging.