Reposting from chat. Please help!

[Faverolles]

Ds2 is 8, being assessed for possible ASD. He's fine at school, but violent and aggressive at home.
We have some times when things are relatively calm, and we feel that we know what we're doing, then we have weeks like this week, which are absolute hell on earth, and drive us to near breaking point.
I don't know if it's a normal back to school thing, but every evening this week, we've (all the rest of the family - me, dh, ds1, dd and ds3) been threatened, punched, slapped, bitten, spat at, sworn at, insulted constantly.
I can't cope. I know he'll calm down a bit at some point, we'll still have this behaviour, but not as intensely. But for now, the whole family is struggling.
We've explained to the older dc (13 and 11) that they need to back off from ds2, when he's feeling angry, he needs space.
Ds1 in particular seems to think that we are favouring ds2 because he gets more time with us, but this week he has only had more time because he has been wound up to the point of being a danger to himself and the others, and one of us has to help him calm down (he usually ends up sobbing that we should just kill him) and basically supervise him.
Ds1 cannot resist winding him up, he doesn't seem able to back off, so we have more outbursts than we should probably have.
I don't want ds1 and dd to feel responsible, but I want them to understand that how they react to him makes a huge difference to the severity of ds2's behaviour - is this unreasonable of me to expect this? (Really, I genuinely want to know!)

Dh and I are relatively new to this, it's only been a few months that we have allowed ourselves to see that there is a problem, and not a naughty child/crap parent situation.
There isn't really anyone in RL who gets what's going on, mostly they think we're soft on him(we're not), or suggest that we get really cross with him (like we don't do that already, but it doesn't work and makes the situation worse)
He has been referred to CAMHS, but that could take months.

We have noticed that we can do practical things that have helped - putting a tent over his bed, giving him opportunities to tell us how he's feeling, and do something calm with him if he's feeling angry, not taking him to the supermarket etc.

This week is off the wall though. Please, please tell me what else I can do to help him. He's such a lovely little boy when he's not angry.

^ I posted the above in chat, I had a thread in here a while ago, but I've lost it.
I really need practical advice. I feel like our family could break up over this, and I don't want that to happen.

I had a look, but then life (and general MN ) gets in the way.

I have opted in to see the special needs topics in active convos, but they don't show up, so I tend to forget they exist until we have another crap day

I think I'll ask in site stuff what I'm doing wrong, and make sure I drop in.

Ds went on a residential trip last week. DH and I felt guilty for finding home so laid back and calm. The other dc were so relaxed.
We expected fireworks on his return, but Friday and Saturday, he was exhausted. Sunday was tricky, but he really enjoyed the trip and had lots of fun.
School have put some things into place for him. He has his lunch in a classroom, with the nursery dc, instead of the hall. He loves it, less noise, and I imagine fewer social stresses from a group of 3 year olds!
He has a break between the first two lessons, and some time out before pe.
I still worry that we're somehow letting him down at home, and that's why he has so many meltdowns.

Polter I wasn't for a minute suggesting that the no violence rule works - I wish - just that afterwards the DC's know why I am cross/disappointed/whatever with their behaviour and that there will often be a consequence.
So I meant it as advice forfor the OP whose DD winds up her DS then hits him when he shouts and wonders why she is in trouble - its a rule and she broke it. End of ( assuming no SN's for her and that I read right and she is 11 and she knows what she is doing)

Feeling very low today :(
(Just offloading, don't feel you need to reply)
Ds was very rude in school on Wednesday to a teacher helping him improve in English. His usual teacher told him off yesterday, he knows he was rude, and knows he deserved the telling off, but it still set of a 2.5 hour meltdown. During this time he barely spoke, just roared loudly over and over again. He picked up our poor old dog and threw her on the settee (he's usually very gentle with the animals, I feel dreadful that I didn't protect her better - luckily she is fine, but next time I'll make sure all animals are out of the way), kicked, punched etc. threw himself head first on the settee over and over.
If I spoke, it made him more angry.
Once it passed he was very calm and we had a rare time of being able to talk about it, and what had happened in school.
Autism outreach went into school on Wednesday to observe, and have made some suggestions which will hopefully help.
Dh and I are meeting them at the end of the month.

I feel like I should be very reassured that he's only borderline, and looks fine, but I don't at the moment. Most nights are difficult, and I worry constantly about what the future holds for him, and trying to work out strategies to help. Whilst dh and I are a team about this, he doesn't like to talk about things like this, and will stop the conversation after 5-10 minutes as he thinks I will then be able to cut off, but I can't, I barely think or talk about anything else at the moment, and lie awake worrying about ds.

I've been following the thread in AIBU, and I feel humbled that so many posters are so positive about their dc and the problems/challenges they face.
And here I am moaning again.

Hope to god it gets easier.
I'm outside his room holding his door shut as he's swearing and threatening me.
Lots of roaring going on. :(
I'm not very good at this

He's fine now, a bit edgy, but not scary.
If I don't hold the door, he'd throw things and punch and kick.
In general, this is getting slightly better, and DH or I will sit quietly as he flings himself about and buries himself under duvets, but we've had a bad week (maybe following residential trip last week?) and he's been particularly violent.
He wasn't happy when he came out of school (which is normal), we had to go and pick up ds1, which is always a trigger, but no option to abandon ds1 at school tempting though it is at times
DH is coming home late unexpectedly, so there is a change to the plan I laid out this morning, so it could be that.

He's done a complete about-face, and is now being lovelier than Perfect Peter.
Out playing with ds3 and being the best brother ever.

That looks fantastic! Just the sort of thing he likes :o

Looking at your other post (which is very helpful), I think our home life is maybe too unstructured at the moment. I'm a bit crap with routines, the older dc will suddenly announce that they're going to a club after school, so we don't really have a typical week night, which is probably contributing to the chaos.
Your post has really made me think.
6 o clock here is the Simpsons (bit of an obsession of ds's) - I'd never thought to use an hour to bridge between day and night.
I think we've been struggling and winging it, so will now aim to have more predictable structure for him.
(Feel very stupid that that never crossed my mind )
Thank you xx

Two plans is a good idea.

He's just had another do. He doesn't want to be alone, hates his life and wants to die. My poor little boy :(

He was in the appointment when the paediatrician was talking about autism/aspergers.
He asked me about it in the car, so I told him the little that I knew.
I have talked to him and said that the dr thought this might be what it is. I don't know if I should have or not, but whenever he had a meltdown before, he felt awful after and believed he was evil. I think it's probably better to know about possible aspergers than think he's evil.

He knows that things are being put into place in school, and that hopefully it'll stop him getting so stressed, and occasionally (very occasionally), he will tell us other things that upset him, so I can go back into school and annoy them let them know.

Loads more books on my amazon wishlist :o
DH's birthday is coming up, I might buy him a few, he will be pleased :o

Yesterday was fun.
Ds spontaneously went to play with his cousin, had a brilliant time (I know he had a good time as he hugged my dsis without being asked!), then came home and kicked off for 6 hours. Said he'd hated it, dn hadn't let him go on the trampoline (which is untrue).
I don't know if it was the effort of being somewhere for four hours, or having to let someone else decide what was going on, but I am seriously considering never letting him socialise again, as I can't cope with the inevitable shit at the end of it.
He's woken up feeling angry this morning, so god knows what joys today will bring. Going to have to go to my parents today to pick up ds1, so I'm sure that'll set something off. Might go and buy myself a large bottle of gin to see me through the rest of the day :o

On the plus side, I had an invitation to a Cygnet course, starting in June.
I thought this was something that happened after a formal diagnosis, so I'm a little confused and worried that they'll turn round and tell me I can't go!

He came home fine, but within half an hour was making demands, then having major tantrums as they were things we couldn't do (eg. No money to buy fish and chips, couldn't go to a certain place as dd was ill)
Kicked off because we had no peas to go in a curry - luckily me dsis had some we could have.
He just seemed to have a huge issue with things not going exactly as he wanted them to go, no matter how unreasonable.

He's now started this morning and has tipped the dogs' water bowl all over the floor.

I read through this whole thread again, to see if I missed anything, and feel like the most negative, moany person ever. It feels like things are worse. Ds seems to react more to things, and I can't work out why, whether we have changed with him, I don't know. In the last 3 months, apart from feeling like we understand him slightly better, we are no nearer to actually making anything better, despite the several books we now have and have pored over constantly.
DH tells me not to bottle things up, but then won't actually talk about stuff.

He's also slapped me, sworn, punched me and thrown things at me. I snapped and smacked him on the bottom.
Ugh.

Sorted it all out, I apologised, we had a cuddle, and went on to have a lovely day (apart from the bloody cat pooing just inside the front door and dd walking it throughout the house!)

DH's birthday tomorrow, ds has decided to make a cake. He adds all sorts of....interesting ingredients, so god knows what it'll taste like!