Senco said my suggested punishment , for ds1, could be 'emotional abuse'.

[Oblomov]

Ds1(nearly 10). Aspergers.
Trouble in the summer, he spent money on internet.
Rude and shows me little respect, answering me back etc.

He is seeing the school counsellor, who I am not that impressed with.

He had a squint, and wore glasses 24/7 for 5 years. Then, this summer, he was told he only need to wear them for close up work. Not 24/7.
He lied to his teacher telling her he didn't need to wear his glasses anymore, at all. Even though I sent in a note, saying, close up work, which he didn't give to her.
He wasn't wearing them at all.I found out. Happened again.
I told him, if he couldn't be trusted to wear them, for close up work, he would have to go back to wearing them 24/7 again.

So yesterday I found out he hadn't worn them for 3 days.

I told him he would have to wear them 24/7. As agreed. He cried and pleaded. I said no. I will talk to Dad. I left the room. He ran after me, crying and pleading. No I said.

Then he pleaded and pleaded and I lost my cool. I really shouted. "Enough I said, you will wear them, because I have said so. That's is the end of it".

(He is very vain, hates wearing glasses and was the only boy who wore glasses in his year. He has been teased about it.)

"I knew you would do this. Shout at me. The counsellor said you would. She told me that you are unfair and unjust to me. "

That pushed me over the edge. Now I've got the counsellor undermining my parenting.

He is a martyr. Thinks that I am too tough on him. Whatever he has told the counsellor. He thinks she has said that she believes him, she is validating his feelings that I treat him unfairly.

She may not have said that. But that is what he THINKS.

Dh came home.

Ds is very vain recently. and has grown his hair longer. All the boys now flick their fringes, regularly and think this is cool.

Dh says , I told you that I wouldn't put up with you being rude to mummy. The way you speak to her is not ok. You don't treat her nicely, or with respect.

You have now been seeing the counsellor for 6 weeks, and it isn't getting any better. I told you that if this continued, that I would cut your hair. Cut the long fringe off. Because I know you love it. You don't seem to care about losing tv or dvd's, but you do care about your hair. But I told you that I would. Shave your head ( we always used to get the clippers out and shave dh, ds1 and ds2, on a long setting, an inch long).

I threatened this to you, shaving your head. And you've been rude to mummy again.
Dh said, ' if you are not careful, I really am going to shave you head boy. You need to think about this.

Ds1 was upset in school. Not himself, said teacher. He told her that daddy had threatened to shave his head.
Senco called me in.
Saying that if we did, he would never forgive us. And that we would have nowhere left to go, with punishments.

She said "it could be considered as emotional abuse"

I do hear what she is saying, about him hating it so much, he would never forgive. And I do appreciate the bit of, if we did do it, we would have nowhere left to go.

But I took offence, or didn't like her comment about it being 'emotional abuse'

Or do you think she is right?

Yes, I do.

I don't really know if it's emotional abuse but it sounds like you're threatening it out of anger rather than rational discipline.

I think you and your DH are being too hard on your son, yes. I realise DS needs to wear glasses for schoolwork, but you could send an email or note to the teacher to ensure that she knows this and can remind him during lessons, rather than expecting him to pass the note on. I wouldn't go so far as to punish your DS by insisting him wears glasses all the time again.

Shaving his head is also very unfair, I think. It seems to me a very cruel punishment.

If he is diagnosed with Aspergers he will struggle with social communication. Does this explain some of his rudeness to you, do you think?

Also, if he already feels different from his peers because of his Aspergers, then it is very important he is allowed to do the things that allow him to fit in, no matter how 'vain' they seem to you. In his case, he has decided not wearing glasses and keeping a floppy fringe will help him fit in and that in itself will boost his confidence. I would encourage it myself.

by insisting he, not him, sorry.

She is completely right.

Wow!! I can see that you are having a difficult time with your ds but I think the hair thing is going a bit far.

Doesnt he have a TV or Laptop or phone you could confiscate for a week or 2.

He may have genuinely forgotten about the glasses, you could put a note on his pencil case to remind him. They have such a lot to remember at school

I'm sorry, Oblomov, and I've been driven to the edge of sanity and pushed over the edge by my DS a couple of times. But the SENCO is right.
You've lost the plot a bit, and I think you need support and non-judgemental counselling yourself.
Whereabouts are you?

I work in a Primary school and if a child disclosed this I would be extremely concerned.
It is Emotional Abuse.

I think you need to seek advice from school about accessing support with your parenting techniques.

Sorry to be so harsh.

You could communicate by email, to his teacher directly.
You do not know what the counsellor actually said, only what your son thought she said, and if he's anything like mine at all, the two perceptions can be very far apart. So if he truly believes that, why is it infuriating you?
As for shaving his hair? No, not for the reasons you have.
You must be at the end of your strength and ability to cope, where do you go next?

I'm sorry but shaving someone's head as a punishment is the wrong thing to do. It is a humiliating and demeaning thing to do to a person.

Can you access services that can support you in learning different strategies?

It sounds mean and very spiteful to me though I'm sure that's not your intention.

I think you need to take a step back and look at how you communicate.

I can understand the stress and frustration but I think the punishments you describe are too much.

The glasses-wearing is counter-productive. Your ds will now think that he wears glasses as a punishment, rather than because they will improve his vision.

The head shaving is OTT. If a child told me about that, I too would have some serious concerns.

Oh dear poor you. It's awful when you're driven to despair and you must be, because the glasses and rudeness are par for the course for any 10 year old, I think.

I think perhaps you need to focus on opening lines of communication with school regarding the glasses. Having said that, they can't and won't make him wear them, I imagine.

Getting his hair cut would be a reasonable course of action if it was completely distracting him from his work, etc., after much discussion, but it really, really shouldn't be used as a punishment. It is, after all, what they do to prisoners and often seen as a way of dehumanising them.

I suppose a lot of us have had our moments, but it's necessary to be able to take a breath and look at the problem calmly. Otherwise you all end up in a mess.
What can we do to support you?

dd1 has glasses with tinted lens costing £££ plus bi-focal reading prescription to alleviate visual stress. She is in Y6. SHe is very hit-and-miss about wearing them and has complained before she hates people asking 'why do you have yellow glasses'.

It is VERY frustrating but I am extremely mindful of the 'pressure to fit in' and the fact that she already lacks confidence because of her academic struggles. So it has to be handled very carefully. A kid with Aspergers needs every opportunity to 'fit in' with his peers.

I would deal with the rudeness and glasses as separate issues. Glasses I would deal with via school (I asked teacher to monitor her glasses wearing).

Oh dear

But, he used to wear glasses. from the moment he got up, to the moment he went to bed. And then the optician said , he only needed to wear them for close up. He was pleased.

So, I sent an official letter to new teacher:
Dear Mrs xxx, He needed to wear them all the time before. But now optician says only for close up work. Just letting you know.
Yours Mrs Oblomov

which he didn't give to her. He told her and the headmistresses that he didn't need t wear glasses at all. total lie. And for the first 5 weeks of term he never wore them, till I found out.

And then, I warned him, if you can't be responsible enough, to wear them for close up work. You will have to go back to wearing them all the time, like you always have.

How is that unfair? he needs to wear glasses. And he has been damaging his eyes by not doing so.
So instead of giving him the option to take them off and on. And thus not wear them some of the time.

I have told him that he will have to go back to wearing them all the time,. like he did for the aged 2 to 9.

He can't be trusted. He hates wearing them. So you think he would be pleased to only have to wear them in lessons.

but he can't do that.

If I hated to wear glasses (I do wear glasses and I am not particularly keen) and someone said you don't need to wear theme all the time, I would be thrilled.

But the reminders hand post it notes have already ben done. I did checking with him. writing notes. He assured me for 5 weeks, that he was wearing them. Total lies. He was not.

Despite me , being keen and regularly asking how the glasses wearing, only for close up work, was going?
"Bet your liking that. That's an improvement isn't it? Has anyone said anything etc etc."

he lied to me, atleast a couple of time s a week, for 5 weeks.

The optician said that damage would be done and he would need to go back to wearing them all the time, if he did not wear them for the close up work, as advised.

So I am protecting him. Protecting his eye-sight. He is unreliable. he can't be trusted to wear them, intermitently. So he will have to wear them all the time. For atleast the foreseeable future, until he can be responsible enough to wear them as he should do.

I do sympathise with your very difficult situation but no, you cannot shave his head. Really, no! That's what they did to Jews in WW2. it conjures up hideous images and is about a loss of dignity and human rights.
Find another punishment if you must. But not that, please.

Yes, you need to find a way to ensure he wears his glasses. I think self-managing is not going to work for him, you'll have to get the teacher on board. And find a sanction for the lying. But not shaving his head.

He's 9, he's vain and he thinks that he can manage without. So you don't let him weasel through the gaps.
Take him out of the communication loop and contact the teacher by email directly, explaining the seriousness and his need to wear his glasses in class.
Then she monitors him, no wiggle room.

And when I say shaving- Dh, ds1 and ds2 have had their hair cut at a length of about an inch, the same as a hairdresser giving a boys hair a trim, with scissors, using clippers for the last 8 years.

It is only in the last 6 months that ds1 has asked to grow it long.

So its not like I was suggesting I shaved it all off. Like a skinhead.

If you had rtrouble finding a punishment that an autistic child cared about. he doesn't care about taking away tv, or not going to parties.

he cares about his hair.

If I thought that taking away the tv or dvd or wii would bother him, I would use those as punishments.

But he cares for nothing.
We have always struggled to find his 'thing' the thing that he cared about. Not money, not minecraft. Not this not that.

he cares about having long fringe.

So when things were really bad, dh threated to take away the one thing he cared about.

I would say a 9yo boy with Aspergers is likely to lack the executive function skills to wear them on-and-off. There is possibly too much to think about in school for that. But you know your ds best.

I would suggest the thing that's gone wrong here is the letter not reaching school. I would try enlisting teacher and TA with the 'close-up' wearing.

A man was actually charged with ABH after cutting his girlfriends hair during an argument. The Judge reasoned that your hair is such an intregal part of a persons identity that cutting it was like cutting any other part of the body.

Judgement in part here

Technically you could be prosecuted and charged with ABH against your son.