Senco said my suggested punishment , for ds1, could be 'emotional abuse'.

[Oblomov]

Ds1(nearly 10). Aspergers.
Trouble in the summer, he spent money on internet.
Rude and shows me little respect, answering me back etc.

He is seeing the school counsellor, who I am not that impressed with.

He had a squint, and wore glasses 24/7 for 5 years. Then, this summer, he was told he only need to wear them for close up work. Not 24/7.
He lied to his teacher telling her he didn't need to wear his glasses anymore, at all. Even though I sent in a note, saying, close up work, which he didn't give to her.
He wasn't wearing them at all.I found out. Happened again.
I told him, if he couldn't be trusted to wear them, for close up work, he would have to go back to wearing them 24/7 again.

So yesterday I found out he hadn't worn them for 3 days.

I told him he would have to wear them 24/7. As agreed. He cried and pleaded. I said no. I will talk to Dad. I left the room. He ran after me, crying and pleading. No I said.

Then he pleaded and pleaded and I lost my cool. I really shouted. "Enough I said, you will wear them, because I have said so. That's is the end of it".

(He is very vain, hates wearing glasses and was the only boy who wore glasses in his year. He has been teased about it.)

"I knew you would do this. Shout at me. The counsellor said you would. She told me that you are unfair and unjust to me. "

That pushed me over the edge. Now I've got the counsellor undermining my parenting.

He is a martyr. Thinks that I am too tough on him. Whatever he has told the counsellor. He thinks she has said that she believes him, she is validating his feelings that I treat him unfairly.

She may not have said that. But that is what he THINKS.

Dh came home.

Ds is very vain recently. and has grown his hair longer. All the boys now flick their fringes, regularly and think this is cool.

Dh says , I told you that I wouldn't put up with you being rude to mummy. The way you speak to her is not ok. You don't treat her nicely, or with respect.

You have now been seeing the counsellor for 6 weeks, and it isn't getting any better. I told you that if this continued, that I would cut your hair. Cut the long fringe off. Because I know you love it. You don't seem to care about losing tv or dvd's, but you do care about your hair. But I told you that I would. Shave your head ( we always used to get the clippers out and shave dh, ds1 and ds2, on a long setting, an inch long).

I threatened this to you, shaving your head. And you've been rude to mummy again.
Dh said, ' if you are not careful, I really am going to shave you head boy. You need to think about this.

Ds1 was upset in school. Not himself, said teacher. He told her that daddy had threatened to shave his head.
Senco called me in.
Saying that if we did, he would never forgive us. And that we would have nowhere left to go, with punishments.

She said "it could be considered as emotional abuse"

I do hear what she is saying, about him hating it so much, he would never forgive. And I do appreciate the bit of, if we did do it, we would have nowhere left to go.

But I took offence, or didn't like her comment about it being 'emotional abuse'

Or do you think she is right?

I would hand the wearing glasses in school over to the school and let them come up with a way to manage him wearing them when he needs to now that they are aware of the issue. I would also get the optician to have another word with him.

Shaving his hair off for being rude is way over the top and yes I would agree it's emotional abuse. Sorry.

I think the senco wouldn't have done her job if she hadn't told you that this is emotional abuse. It is.

I feel guilty for finding ds1's 'rudeness' frustrating. I know it is due to his aspergers and not actually 'rudeness' at all.

I've just started reading 'the explosive child' and I'm going to really try and change how I parent based on it. Could be worth a try for you too?

It doesn't matter if the rest of your family, you included had number one haircuts. He shouldn't be forced to have his hair cut as a punishment.
Do you think, like Samson, he would suddenly be compliant and 'good'?
What will you do next when this method doesn't work?

Dh begged his dad when he was 11 to grow a rats tail.
his dad said no. He asked for a mullet.
His dad said no.
he was told he would have a neat and tidy haircut until he left school, and then he would be able to have whatever he wanted.

This is a child we are talking about.

I have cut my sons hair for the last nearly 10 yeaRS.

TEH Y DON;T ALLOW FASHION HAIRCUTS AT SCHOOL.

dH INSISTS THTA THE BOIYS HAVE A SHORT BACK AND SIDES, NEAT HAIRCUT..;

wHY ARE YOU COMPARIGN IT TO CUTTIGN A WOMANS HAIOTR OFF IN AN ARGUEMTN.

I DECIDE WHAT TYOR OF AHAIRCUT MY 5 YEAR OLD HAS.

sorry for caps. I am not shouting. Just pressed cap lock by mistake.

You are too angry to be thinking straight, no one is denying the right of a parent to have their child's hair cut as they want it to be.
It is the use of it as a punishment that is wrong. But you are too infuriated to see that.

4 weeks ago. I had meeting at school, about him not wearing glasses.
This is when it transpired that teacher had not been given letter.
That head had be lied to, when he told her he didn't need to wear them, all the time.
they agreed to monitor it.
But how can they?

Did they notice that he hasn't been wearing his glasses for the last 3 days?
Obviously not.

When you say I need to fill the gaps.

FILL THE GAPS?

WHAT EXACTLY ARE YOU SUGGESTING I DO?

Leave work every 15 minutes and go to the school and check he is wearing them?

I think the comparisons are fair, Oblomov.

But you're not cutting it to maintain neat hair.

You're cutting it as a punishment. Which is easily comparable to an argument.

You just don't like what you're hearing, so are refusing to listen.

Dh is not controlling
I have done 4 different parenting courses.
And Earlybird.

When I went through tribunal this year one thing that all reports commented on was that DS1 had grown his hair, particularly his fringe, as a curtain to hide behind.

Margo Sharp said to me after assessing him - 'he needs to get his hair cut - it is such an aspie thing'.

He did not just care about his hair - it was a coping mechanism.

Last week HE chose to have his hair cut short (thanks to indi ss).

He needs you. You need a perspective shift.

Sorry to be harsh.

Re: glasses - you go to the teacher, ask him/her to work with you on getting DS to wear his glasses for close-up work. Suggest teacher uses a reward chart and DS gets a small reward for every day that he remembers to wear his glasses at the right time.

Re: hair - just completely OTT.

I dont like getting involved with argumentative threads but if I were you I would go and give your boy a big hig and start thinking about a way to move past this issue without any more negativity.

Children are only young for a short time, I was in a very negative spiral with my oldest Dd who has undiagnosed aspergers. I would shout, she would shout back, there were no consequences she cared about. She was really challenging and hard work.

She is 25 now our relationship is permenantly damaged. Its better than it was but it is damaged! I vowed I would have a more positive relationship with the other 2 Dd's one of whom has Asd.

It is very hard but we managed it most of the time.

Please, please take a look inside you and see if you can turn this round before your Ds's childhood is gone

Or even a big hug

blame the teacher re the glasses then if you have made her aware. not your ds.

the exact style of short hair isn't the point. the point is cutting his hair forcibly as punishment is an assault on his personal identity at a time in his life when these things matter to him.

He has aspergers, the world is confusing enough for him without this negation of who he is trying to be. It's not a mohawk he's got, it's a flicky fringe.

I see that you're having a really shit time and don't know where to turn, but I agree it amounts to humiliation and threatens his dignity.

I would start by sitting down with the teacher and deciding which activities your ds will need glasses for. "Close-up work" is probably too vague. It would be easier for everyone if it's set out, for example, that ds needs his glasses when he writes or draws at his table, but not when he is doing PE.

If you go ahead with cutting off the fringe, what punishment will you try the next time he is rude? I think the SENCO is right in saying that there wouldn't be anywhere left to go.

Haven't read the whole thread, so no doubt it's moved on, but your approach is overly combative and practically inviting him to fight with you. It's never going to come to a satisfactory conclusion.

Aside from the stressed caused by the threat of shaving his hair short, how do you actually intend to follow through with this threat? Presumably, he's not going to be happy about it, so presumably there would be some physical force involved in carrying it out.

Have you had some support with positive strategies for managing behaviour?

I email teacher all the time.

I have to go.
Dh is home. I will come back later.

Oh and I am ashamed that I haven't accessed some of the suggestions from my previous threads.

In my defense I have been hospitalised . My diabetes has been so poor.
Since ds1 was 2. since the problems began, that led to his diagnosis.
I have had a sensor fitted. But it didn't work.
A pancreas transplant is no good, because steroids for life. And it only lasts 8-10 years. I am only 40. You can not have a major transplant every 10 years. I would need 5 by the time I was 80.
Not possible.

I have had diabetes for 40 years. I have had an 8 hour session, with the top 3 diabetic professors in the UK , and they admitted that they have tried everything. But I am so erratic and patternless. they have nothing left to give.
It is the end of the road for me.

There is nowhere left for me to go.

And in and amongst this. I have tried to deal with a ds1, who has pushed me to the limit.
And is the only source of stress in my life. He makes my diabetes unmanageable.
he is part of the problem.
It is a vicious circle.

I can not parent him anymore. I find him too tough. because I am too unwell. DS2 is easy. And everything I have every tried with him fails.

I have nothing left to give.

Oblomov :(

It's no wonder that you're feeling at the end of your tether.

If you had rtrouble finding a punishment that an autistic child cared about. he doesn't care about taking away tv, or not going to parties.

Then punishment is not the thing to do. You need to find out why he's not been putting his glasses on at all - and listen to him. For all you know, he is still anxious about teasing and feels relieved when he's not wearing them but can't tell you because he's scared you'll fly off the handle at him. (Incidentally, well over 1/4 of DS1's y5 class wear glasses, so I bet there's others in your DS's class not wearing them, when they should)

I can hear the exasperation in your posts , you are running out fo ideas and desperate. tbh I think you need to slow down , take big breath and rethink . Can you and /or dh take time out to focus away form the family ? It sounds as if you are still angry with the internet expenditure etc and are carrying that into this situation.

Would the counsellor speak to you and offer strategies ? It is great that you and dh are united but what is proposed seems extreme and unlikely to achieve the outcome of getting him to wear his glasses, EA or not. Are there alternative lenses which he could wear all the time , varifocals or similar perhaps. That way the situation is less ambiguous all round. If he won't pass on notes then you have to deal with the teacher direct , by email or hand over a letter yourself. He has to earn back the right to be trusted and handle it responsibly himself.