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SN children

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Original poster

DH to give up work and claim benefits?

172 replies

ariane5 · 08/01/2013 10:00

We have 4 dcs 11,6,3 and 8m.

All dcs have a genetic condition. Dd1 also has a heart problem and ds1 has many issues as well as genetic prob (allergies/ migraine/speech probs)
All 3 older dcs have reduced mobility and suffer pain fatigue and frequent joint dislocations.
Dd1 and ds1 receive dla.

Dd2 was also diagnosed with t1 diabetes last week.dh has been off work with no pay as I can't manage everything-the appts/physio and now inj and caring for the baby.

I don't drive and have no family who can help.up untill now dh has always worked but now I really need him here to help me with dcs-if they all have a bad day I can't manage
[Sad]

Dh really doesn't want to give up his job but I can't see any other way we can manage with the dcs disabilities.he said he needs to work or he will go mad at home.he wants to go back next week but I want him to give up so we can care for dcs together full time.

I feel so desperate and I need him to help me

OP posts:

CloudsAndTrees · 08/01/2013 10:05

YABVU. If your family can contribute to supporting itself then it should. It would be very irresponsible of you to rely on the state when you have chosen to have four children.

Things are bound to be harder for you at the moment because you still have a very young baby, but as your youngest child gets older, things will become easier. It would be very sad if your DH has given up his job and them finds himself unable to find employment because of such a long break when your baby is older.

ZillionChocolate · 08/01/2013 10:06

Aren't there problems within your relationship? To do with money? I don't think I can answer this question without the context of all the other stuff that's going on.

AgentProvocateur · 08/01/2013 10:08

He wouldn't get benefits if he gave up work voluntarily. Can you break down the tasks you need help with and come up with other solutions? For example, do you have home start in your area? They could offer you a volunteer for a couple of hours a week. Could you take driving lessons in the evening, to make hospital trips easier? Could you get a Saturday job to get out the house for a while?

I do sympathise, but it's at the end of the holidays when all four have been at home. Things might be easier when the older two are back at school. Your DH giving up work is not the answer, especially when he said he'd hate being at home. You sound overwhelmed, but there are other solutions.

Fakebook · 08/01/2013 10:10

Sorry you're in this position, but I think YABU. Are the elder two children in school? Or are they off ill? Could you find a part time job too and share the time at home with your DH?

5madthings · 08/01/2013 10:10

OK firstly I think you may get flamed here which I think would be cruel and unnecessary so maybe she's may be a better board?

Secondly I can see why you want him to but if he gives up work rather than losing his job you may not be eligible for some benefits? I don't know the ins and outs so get advice.

Many people in your situation end up having to have both parents at home to cope and that may be the case for you, but its early days with the diabetes diagnosis so maybe thast will get easier to manage?

Have you been in touch with your HV and as to see if they can offer any support? I know, I know its almost impossible to get any help but maybe even a home start volunteer would help? Or if dh continues to work could you afford to pay for a mothers help for a bit? Also some colleges need placements for childcare students etc, not great but its ASN extra pair of hands tho I understand the mothers help or a student may not be ideal given the extra needs your children have.

And thirdly (((ariane))) have a hug as I think you need it xxx

Sorry I can't be more helpful :(

TeWiSavesTheDay · 08/01/2013 10:11

He wouldn't be unreasonable to become a carer, but financially you would probably be much worse off.

What about hiring a mother's help, or sn carer?

Original poster

ariane5 · 08/01/2013 10:14

Yes there have been problems in the relationship but dd2 got v v unwell just after I posted about that so thing took a back seat as she was so ill.

I just can't cope by myself, the dcs dislocate joints all the time, dd1 faints a lot due to chest/heart issues, dd2 keeps having hypos.dcs can't walk far so we will be virtually housebound a lot of the time (we were struggling already). There are so many appts physio/gosh/speech therapy etc etc and I really can't see a way to cope on my own if I'm holding /feeding baby and dcs dislocate/faint/are in pain/hypo I don't have enough hands to deal with everything.

Benefits people said we would be allowed as ds1 on higher rate (dd2 would too) so effectively I would be carer for ds1 and dh carer for dd2 so wouldn't be forced to work but dh is unsure but I can't manage on my own dcs health needs too great.

OP posts:

SparklyVampire · 08/01/2013 10:15

If you're struggling so much why have another baby?. You need to take responsibility for your own choices, not expect the rest of us to pay for them because "you can't cope", and i speak as somone with two disabled children
YABU sorry

strumpetpumpkin · 08/01/2013 10:16

is there any way he can find a job where he can work from home part time or reduce his hours or get something part time. It might be worth talking to the job centre or citizens advice about it.

I dont think youre unreasonable to want it. Its tough. Would you be able to go back to work and he do the childcare to see how much it is for one person.

Is there any way you can get respite or help. Is 2c3 at nursery?

HormonalHousewife · 08/01/2013 10:17

can you learn to drive ?

get your Dh to teach you assuming he has a car and can drive.

This sounds really tough for you - but I'm not sure giving up a good job is the right way forward at this minute although I can see totally why you want him around.

expatinscotland · 08/01/2013 10:17

I think given the economic climate and this government it would be very unwise for him to give up work.

Original poster

ariane5 · 08/01/2013 10:18

Older dcs are part time school as so many appts/physio and health problems quite severe.

We tried to work out if we could afford a mothers help but it was too much so that's not an option.

Dh and I have the same condition as dcs (they are so severe as inherited from both of us) so I struggle with my own health which is making things even harder.

Up untill now I have struggled and dh gas worked but its too much now.ds2 still bf so I couldn't work at the moment.

This is very much the last resort we just don't know what else to do

OP posts:

Garnier · 08/01/2013 10:20

Don't be ridiculous OP. Your DH is a very lucky man to have a job.

Original poster

ariane5 · 08/01/2013 10:20

I tried driving lessons last year-many lessons cancelled due to dcs ill/in hosp so didn't get far.also I had problems with my neck so a lot of the time couldn't manage it was a disaster I thought itd help but its yet another thing I failed at.

OP posts:

ClementineKelandra · 08/01/2013 10:21

How did you manage before??

squeakytoy · 08/01/2013 10:21

Of course you are being unreasonable.

Floralnomad · 08/01/2013 10:22

If you already have problems in your relationship it could be a recipe for disaster and you could end up finding yourself as a lone parent , I think you need to look at other ways of coping . Presumably they are not always ill and do go to school / nursery. I know a few people who have children with multiple disabilities and although it is hard work there is a lot of help out there if you can access it .

VinegarTits · 08/01/2013 10:22

what sparklyvampire said

specialsubject · 08/01/2013 10:24

I have to say that the fourth baby was not a great decision, and maybe the third. ( keep up with a blog from someone with two disabled children, and she says that much as she wanted four they had to recognise that it was not practical) What's done is done - so as you made this choice you must now do something about it.

is there a charity for the condition? Is there a local volunteer organisation who could help? Even someone round for a few hours a week would make a difference. Also are you claiming all the disability benefits for the children?

there is a solution out there. Good luck.

rubyslippers · 08/01/2013 10:25

He shouldn't give up his job unless you would be able to go to work instead and swap roles

you do sound exhausted

practical things to do are checking you are getting all the benefits you are entitled to; home start volunteer could probably be a good idea seeing as you have such a young baby; speak to SS and see if you can get more support with all the various medical appts etc (maybe transport?)

BarredfromhavingStella · 08/01/2013 10:25

This may sound cruel but I don't understand why with your own health problems & those of your DC that you decided to have 4 of them-agree with those who say YABU & should now take responsibility for those actions.

I appreciate how hard your life must be but it is in essence a situation of your own making.

VinegarTits · 08/01/2013 10:25

just seen your last post

sorry by why did you go on the have 4 children knowing you both have a genetic condition that would be passed on?

TeWiSavesTheDay · 08/01/2013 10:26

What does your DH do?

The problem with him quitting is it makes the family very, very vulnerable. The cuts are hitting families like yours very hard and just because benefits say you could both be carer doesn't mean there won't be a policy change in a few years time that leaves you totally fucked over.

If your DH stays in work he has a change to move his career further, earn more so that you can hire more help...

I think you would be better to post in SN children as posters there will have a better idea of what kind of support you might be able to ask for from the council/charities.

Is there a charity specific to your dcs condition? I would definitely start looking there for advice.

Original poster

ariane5 · 08/01/2013 10:27

We were not really managing before as such, dh was taking a huge amount of time off for hosp appts or when dcs were in hosp like last week he was in for the week with dd2.

We have tried so hard and its not me being selfish its that I genuinely am concerned I alone cannot give dcs the care they need with their conditions.there need to be 2 of us to look after them properly.

OP posts:

Hammy02 · 08/01/2013 10:28

vinegar I was going to say exactly the same thing. I can't believe anyone would do that.

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