Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

SN children

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on special needs.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

DH to give up work and claim benefits?

172 replies

ariane5 · 08/01/2013 10:00

We have 4 dcs 11,6,3 and 8m.

All dcs have a genetic condition. Dd1 also has a heart problem and ds1 has many issues as well as genetic prob (allergies/ migraine/speech probs)
All 3 older dcs have reduced mobility and suffer pain fatigue and frequent joint dislocations.
Dd1 and ds1 receive dla.

Dd2 was also diagnosed with t1 diabetes last week.dh has been off work with no pay as I can't manage everything-the appts/physio and now inj and caring for the baby.

I don't drive and have no family who can help.up untill now dh has always worked but now I really need him here to help me with dcs-if they all have a bad day I can't manage
[Sad]

Dh really doesn't want to give up his job but I can't see any other way we can manage with the dcs disabilities.he said he needs to work or he will go mad at home.he wants to go back next week but I want him to give up so we can care for dcs together full time.

I feel so desperate and I need him to help me

OP posts:

mum382013 · 08/01/2013 10:59

for support do please join the hypermoboility syndrome association and the pots uk and eds groups. lots of help there :) feel free to message me too. Its really hard having disabled kids and being poorly yourself. i have considered giving up my work, but i can work around the appointments and from home but it takes organisation worthy of the army planning!

5madthings · 08/01/2013 11:00

Oh thank goodness its being moved :)

Thanks mnhq :)

imogengladhart · 08/01/2013 11:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ILoveTIFFANY · 08/01/2013 11:03

Are you trying for baby number 5 op?

I asked why and gave the resin I asked.... It shed light on the situation... Flame me if you like! Op answered my question but it got lost

Here it is.... Op went ahead with her pregnancies as at that time she had her sister for help/support. Her sister got sick and can no linger help

HecatePropolos · 08/01/2013 11:03

Can you go to social services and tell them just how much you are struggling and ask them for help?

They are supposed to be there to help people in situations like yours!

Can you get direct payments? Are you getting all the help for the children that they are entitled to due to their disabilities? Are you having all the assistance you are entitled to?

You need to perhaps ask for a social worker, ask for assessments, etc. Find out if there are any voluntary groups out there. People who give a little of their time to help others, that sort of thing.

I don't think that your husband resigning will help you, given that he doesn't want to and there are relationship problems. You will probably find that being together all the time will actually make them worse, not better. And what if he's there but not helping? how will you feel then? Then of course there would be the money worries.

What you are saying is that you feel like you are drowning and you need help, and you've identified something you think may be a lifeline for you. I don't think it will be. I think you would be better served finding out what support is available outside the family.

I have a great deal of sympathy for you. I know how hard it is when you are a person with disabilities trying to be the carer for people with disabilities!

But him giving up work will create more problems than it is likely to solve.

mindosa · 08/01/2013 11:04

OP I dont know anything about your life but please think long and hard about relying on the state - these allowances are only going one way and thats down. At least with one parent working you can be financially secure and that is no small thing.
Ignore the why did you have children posters but do consider whether having more is a good idea given your situation

PessaryPam · 08/01/2013 11:04

5madthings There is no point questioning why she has four children and frankly its not anyones business but the op's.

This would be true 5mad apart from the small fact that we pay for it via our taxes.

I am also struggling as to why DC3 & 4 were conceived.

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 08/01/2013 11:05

Threesocks. What? You want your posts removed if this thread is put in special needs? Why!?

Peachy · 08/01/2013 11:06

I am going just to offer hugs.

We also have 4 dcs: one has Aspergers and one Autism, they attend special schools; one has a genetic condition, significant language impiriment and possible ASD, he attend the local MS right now. The other seems OK disorder-wise.

I am their carer but DH has depression and at times I absolutely wish we could pack it all in and say sod it. DH was working FT and made redundant so set up self employed, he now works from home and studies and for now that works well- he's here to meet school taxis etc if I am on the long round of appointments and meetings, but still working and bringing in an income. Without that we'd end up in homeless accomodation which would probably mean putting 2 boys in foster until we were allocated social housing- no ta.

But you must be exhausted and I feel for you, hugs X

Oh- and we are just finding it's a genetic condition now, when ds1 is 13! Appointment due soon for final test results. We had no clue about that when the boys were all born (they are quite close together) but I don't think I would plan to have any more and have considered being sterilised, except 6 weeks without lifting or driving may as well be 6 weeks flying for all it is possible!

Original poster

ariane5 · 08/01/2013 11:06

The ivf thing although irrelevant now was because ds2 was very ill and nearly didn't make it at birth and I had been sterilised at time of cs.

Had pnd and regretted op and pretty much had a breakdown as I had thought he would die and I'd never hold another baby that is why in my depressed state I was looking at ivf

OP posts:

akaemmafrost · 08/01/2013 11:06

"I am also struggling as to why dc3 and 4 were conceived".

Tough. Get over it.

HecatePropolos · 08/01/2013 11:06

Oh, but if you are thinking of another child, I would in the kindest way possible, really strongly advise you to put that on hold right now.

you aren't coping with what's on your plate right now. To add another item on to your plate may well tip you over the edge. Sort out what you're currently dealing with and then is a better time to start thinking about taking more things on.

HecatePropolos · 08/01/2013 11:08

xpost.

Have you thought about counselling? If you're not having it already. It sounds like you really need some support and a safe space to just let it all out.

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 08/01/2013 11:08

There's some right bitches on this thread!

WilsonFrickett · 08/01/2013 11:09

I think you need to speak to SS and see if you can get access to a disability social worker. First thing is to check you're getting everything you're entitled to, including respite, etc. I completely understand the desire for DH to stop work, but if he doesn't want to, I can't see that working long term. (My DH would be useless at home full time, it's just not 'him'. It's not me either really, but have been able to find a compromise through freelancing.)

I also very much agree with pp who say giving up work will make your family incredibly vulnerable. Even if you can make the sums work now, there's no guarantee they'll continue to work in a few months time, the way things are going. Pushing your family into poverty won't help your situation.

5madthings · 08/01/2013 11:10

Oh bollocks pessary most peoples taxes don't even cover their own coasts is schooling, NHS use, etc its not like you are subbing the op personally and ultimately the children are here now, the situation is what is is. Or perhaps you would like the op to give her children up to their state? That would cost far more of taxpayers money...

Peachy · 08/01/2013 11:11

Oh and why do we have 4- £60k income (I live in Wales, that's quite good) looking as if it was only going to rise if anything..... so security to make our dream of a large family come true.

Then ds3's severe autism dx, meaning I have to be a Carer; then a redundancy

Life shits on people, sometimes. But I'd never wish my boys away, they are my joy and nothing but a blessing.

JakeBullet · 08/01/2013 11:12

Hope you are okay OP, it sounds as though you are having a really crap time? Whereabouts in the country are you? There might well be local family friendly support groups you can go along to.

Peachy · 08/01/2013 11:14

Also- more usefully- please feel free to PM me if you want a chat and I will if I can give advice or put you in touch with anyone as disability (specifically ASD but that means I know the systems well) is my field as well as most of my life X

mum382013 · 08/01/2013 11:15

hypermobility assocation uk and pots uk are on facebook:)
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Goldmandra · 08/01/2013 11:15

Just to redress the balance a little I would like to point out that the OP's children have just as much right to exist as any other child, regardless of the disabilities they may have. People with disabling genetic conditions can and do make a positive contribution to our society.

To tell the OP that her offspring should not have been allowed to be born is unspeakably cruel. She is simply trying to work out how best to meet all of their needs for the short time that they are all very young.

OP this is a very difficult time for you and I am sure that the crass comments on here haven't helped you. I think you need to take a little time to get used to the new situation and then talk it over again with your DH. Things may look different in a month or so and you and your DH might both regret a decision made in the heat of the moment.

Contact your health visitor and ask her to refer you to Home Start or you can contact them and refer yourself.

I hope things start to feel more manageable soon

Original poster

ariane5 · 08/01/2013 11:16

Nw london.

Looked for eds/pots/diabetes groups nearby but couldn't find any.

I just feel desperate its all too much.

OP posts:

akaemmafrost · 08/01/2013 11:17

Great post Goldmandra.

JakeBullet · 08/01/2013 11:17

Another shout for Home Start from me....they are fabulous.

LemonBreeland · 08/01/2013 11:19

OP not sure if anyone has mnetioned already but is there surestart or similar in your area who could help you out. Someone to come to your house and help you with the DC a few hours a week.

Or as someone else said SS. There should be help you can get, and your HV could be good start to point you in the right direction.

YOur Dh giving up his job just does not seem the best solution right now.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7