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Original poster

DH to give up work and claim benefits?

172 replies

ariane5 · 08/01/2013 10:00

We have 4 dcs 11,6,3 and 8m.

All dcs have a genetic condition. Dd1 also has a heart problem and ds1 has many issues as well as genetic prob (allergies/ migraine/speech probs)
All 3 older dcs have reduced mobility and suffer pain fatigue and frequent joint dislocations.
Dd1 and ds1 receive dla.

Dd2 was also diagnosed with t1 diabetes last week.dh has been off work with no pay as I can't manage everything-the appts/physio and now inj and caring for the baby.

I don't drive and have no family who can help.up untill now dh has always worked but now I really need him here to help me with dcs-if they all have a bad day I can't manage
[Sad]

Dh really doesn't want to give up his job but I can't see any other way we can manage with the dcs disabilities.he said he needs to work or he will go mad at home.he wants to go back next week but I want him to give up so we can care for dcs together full time.

I feel so desperate and I need him to help me

OP posts:
Jenski · 08/01/2013 11:20

I haven't read all the responses but guessing some not very kind.

If the problem is getting to appointments, would it not be cheaper in the long term for you to learn to drive than for your DH to give up work. Do you have a family car?

I think that you need to be looking long term rather than short term. It may be easier now if your Dh gives up work but claiming benefits will not be good for his self-esteem, or for when he might want to return to work.

I also think that your DH will be miserable and possibly blame you when you are all stuck in the house on a rainy day with no money.

Peachy · 08/01/2013 11:21

I agree with Home Start- worked for them once and then ahd them to help until ds4 turned school age, was a massive help.

Also consider whether you may benefit from counselling etc. I am not ashamed to say that ADs changed everything for me. I'd either not be here now or have spent a long time in hospital without them, after ds4's SN was picked up.

And before packing in work, try part time; employers will have to at least consider his request to go part time, and it might well be enough of a compromise to keep you afloat. You might even find that if he gave up say 10 hours and you found some work for ten hours, the break for you was enough to keep you afloat: it's certainly something I hope to try this year if I can find the work.

Chubfuddler · 08/01/2013 11:21

A national charity may be able to help you with applications for grants/DLA for the others or general advice though.

Peachy · 08/01/2013 11:22

And my friend has EDS, I will ask her which group she sues as she goes off to conferences etc

fuzzpig · 08/01/2013 11:23

It sounds like a really rough situation. But benefits are a trap - I think if your DH gives up work it could be really really hard to get out of that trap in the future.

I have considered similar recently - I was diagnosed with a disability last year and may give up my lovely job as soon as DH finds one (he has just had surgery and recovered from a 2 year injury) - but then I worry that I won't be able to physically cope with being a SAHM either, at least not while DS is still little and not in FT school. It's tempting to just want DH to stay home or maybe just get a PT job instead but I am scared about being solely dependant on benefits - as we were when DH first got injured before I found my job. Hopefully DH can get a management job for around £25k which will mean we are a bit better off than we are now (£16k, but lots of benefits) but is unlikely to get anything senior if only PT.

Sorry for waffling, I am not intending to hijack (I am planning to start my own thread on this when I feel stronger!) but I am just saying that regardless of any moral issues, benefits may not be the best choice, because it is not easy, and may make things more difficult in the long run. I sympathise though ((((hug))))

5madthings · 08/01/2013 11:23

I agree, great post by gold

I had a lovely home start volunteer after I had ds4, they are fab ime.

Peachy · 08/01/2013 11:24

Have sent her a link to this as she uses MN sometimes but also said if she doesn't want to join this thread due to it's nature, could she let me know who she uses X

Original poster
ariane5 · 08/01/2013 11:24

Thankyou peachy that would be a great help.

And thankyou to everybody who has been kind and offered support.

OP posts:
Dawndonna · 08/01/2013 11:25

Nice to see Eugenics is alive and well on Mumsnet.

JakeBullet · 08/01/2013 11:25

ariane. Don't let the judgemental posts upset you, they are from people who don't understand and some of them never will.

Here we all have experience of caring for children with disabilities and have an understanding of how hard it is. In addition you sound in a particularly low place at the moment which is making things harder.....keep posting here and talking.

Peachy · 08/01/2013 11:25

Part time work can avoid that trap of not being able to get back on the employment system though; it's NOT all or nothing.

mum382013 · 08/01/2013 11:27

hypermobility association has local groups near you xxxx
look on facebook xxx

Dawndonna · 08/01/2013 11:28

As for Ariane My only concern honey, is that with benefit changes there was an idea mooted at one point (it's in the corner of my mind and won't dig up for now) that at some point only one parent would be able to claim for one lot of Carer's allowance. Could be very wrong.
There have been some arses on this thread, but some good people too, look at some of the suggestions, there are some good ones. Home start are good.
Check out the school too, they may have a parent liason officer who can help with getting the older two to appointments or even in to school.
Good Luck!

imogengladhart · 08/01/2013 11:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Glitterknickaz · 08/01/2013 12:09

Congrats to the bigoted shitheads that got me FURIOUS enough to post when someone told me about this thread.

OP you must do what you feel you need to to get by. I'm looked upon as scum by Mumsnet because both me and my husband both care for our three disabled children, but there was no other way. If DH hadn't given up work I'd have killed myself by now (go on bigots tell me that's the preferable option, you know you want to).

However they are cutting our money by £4316 this year, we will struggle to survive financially but it's either that or the complete loss of my mental health.

It's the foul, disgusting posts the OP had directed at her that made me stop posting. If someone hasn't told me this was here I still wouldn't have done so but I will not stand by and see the OP ripped apart in the way she has been here.

Right that's it I'm out of this shit hole again. OP if you want to message me I'm always happy to talk and will read pms even if I don't read anywhere else.

Small minded, bigoted arseholian place.

TheHumancatapult · 08/01/2013 12:28

Waves

hi Ariane sorry to see still hard .can reccomend Dr ninis as very good

peachy is right i was at national eds conference recently with sparkle .i would phone the eds national helpline and discuss options with them

www.ehlers-danlos.org/ phone number 0208 736 5604 and pm away

Original poster
ariane5 · 08/01/2013 12:31

Thankyou will contact them

OP posts:
TheHumancatapult · 08/01/2013 12:32

ariane have pm you

TheHumancatapult · 08/01/2013 12:41

Hi ariane check your inbox

TheHumancatapult · 08/01/2013 12:46

oh and ds3 now has a dx of POTS so i really understand how your feeling

Peachy · 08/01/2013 12:46

Ariane THC was the friend I mentioned.

Take care X

ICBINEG · 08/01/2013 13:03

I think I was on one of your other threads...

If your DH gets benefits will you actually see any of it? Or is it more about having him around to help?

I think you need to be definitively financially separate from your DH and should not factor in money you may never see.

Apologies if that wasn't you!

Original poster
ariane5 · 08/01/2013 13:09

Yes it was me-severe probs with dh family and money but actually I got a massive apology from mil 30pounds (not much I know) off the debt and a weeks shopping after dd2 was admitted to hospital last week.

Iam hoping things improve as I do need him to help me with dcs. He's considering working part time rather than giving up as a compromise but we are not sure yet.

OP posts:
ICBINEG · 08/01/2013 13:20

Well I'm very glad to hear you have made some progress! Maybe your Daughters illness will refocus your (DH's) family on what is really important for a while. It makes me so angry to think what your MIL was spending your money on while you are scrabbling to make ends meet with a DD in hospital.

I still suspect it would be foolhardy to rely on money from your DH though, shocks to the system can change things but they tend to slide back to where they were....

wishing you all the best!

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 08/01/2013 15:10

Was he giving his mum money then? That's crazy when you could use that money to pay for some help!

Is it possible for you both to work part time so that you both get a break?