Can't cope with DD1 any longer!!!!!!!!!

[butty]

I am getting No where!!!!!!!!
Chloe is going from bad to worse day by day.
She doesn't stop, she does't shut up, She never listens and i am fed up of arguing with her.
The simplest of tasks are turning into world war 3!!!!!!!!!!!
The pead still says that she hasn't got ADHD,
The teacher is saying that chloe is being quite good in school and that her behaviour is like another girl on her table, bearing in mind that chloes table is the one 2 one support table as she is having real difficulties with reading and writing and is in the bottom 4 of the class.
She does attention seek at school and needs a lot of pushing and persistence when working, i am just wondering if this could be linked with her problems.???
I really have had enough of her and i am feeling a lot of anger towards her at the mo which i know i shouldn't be, but i just can't help it.
She never behaves and is still being verbally and at times still physically aggressive towards me and dylan and her dad!!!!
Will it ever get any easier or do i have to throw in the towel and admit defeat from the pros who think that she is fine????
Feeling really down with everything at the mo and with dylans results looming over me for the 17th i am going out 3 - 4 times a week getting so pissed just to forget about home!!!!!!!
I know it is wrong, but it is my release and keeps me going.
i dont drink at home so i know i dont have drinking problems, but now my mum is getting on my case saying that i am drinking far too much and that i need to see a counceller, but in all hinesight that would be fine if i hadn't already been down that route on several occassions, i know my mum is trying to help, but where is she when i need to get away from it all???
Sorry to rant, i am just note coping too well at the moment!!

Butty.xxxx

If any one knows of any web links for children with behavioral problems other than ADISS it would be much appreciated as i really need to find a solution to try and cope with chloe and her behaviour issues as well as find some strategies to help myself.
I think that once i get dylans results that should be a weight off my mind, although it still wont change the problems i am having, it may give me more time to push the pros of whom are dealing with my darling chloe for more help and support at home as well as a bit of moral understanding of my situation to which i still don't think they have taken the slightest bit of notice about!!!
Any way, Bottoms up!! (Ha Ha just a joke to try and clear the air!!)
Thanks again guys for your support, i will try to take all objectives and critisisms on board in my voyge to cut down on the drink!!
Butty.xx

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Cheers Lynny, your words are kind and are very much appreciated and my god it sounds like you have been round the mill and back!!
Usually i am the one who everyone comes to for support, but over the past 2 years things have been so hard.
I would never do any thing to put my self in the situation that i risk my kids, but i suppose i realy do need to get a grip and start sorting myself out now before i end up cracking.
It was never my intention to go out and get drunk, but for some reason there is a sense of release in it and although it isn't the best possible things to be doing, i could be doing much worse.
Sometimes admitting that things are too much to bear and deal with in RL are much easier to deal with in the land of being pissed although the health side of things and my current weight gain does have much to be said about!!!
I will try to be stronger, but there is only so much that i can take on my own and without much support from people, i do find myself struggling to cope.
As i say, when i get dylans test results there could be a big pressure released from my thoughts or a greater one gained depending on the outcome and as far as it goes with chloe all i can do is carry on and try my best like i have been doind, it's just all so demanding.
When i was pregnant, i never though in my wildest dreams that i would have these kinds of problems, but thats the thing, i suppose you don't think about shit till it really kicks you in the teeth!!!
There are so many people that i respect and admire on MN as they are real people with real probs, and sometimes i can sit back and say to myself why can't i be more like them, but you highlighted it, this isn't RL it is what you want to make of your time on here.
Butty.xxx

I think a lot of the mums on here, whether they have special needs kids or not, take great comfort from a glass of wine or two in the evenings.

I know I certainly did, although I am trying to cut down now.

I have to admit that i more than likely drink 2 weeks worth of units in 1 night without realising.
For some reason i don't enjoy drinking at home unless i have company of an evening which is very rare in my house!!!
I know loadsa people who have a glass or 2 or 3 of wine etc.. at night to unwind.
Butty.xxx

i know it doesnt hep but im feeling the same at the mo with my ds ..its so sressful i feel like shouting at him all the time[but dont as i walk out of the room to keep my sanity] he talks[or rather shouts] constantly and is always egging on everyone at home to get a reaction, his poor sister is at her wits end and wants to play calmly [totally opposite] but he wont let her so she gets annoyed and he laughs .. he wont listen to anyone and argues with us all and has become aggressive to his dad and once he tried it on with me last week ..hes only 6 but very strong like an ox... he has so many meltdowns over the slightest plus we keep saying he has adhd as well as his asd but the drs always say no but they havent seen him out of the their room and at school he`s calmer but he does try and take over so they do have support for him what is your dd like ? does it sound similar if so we can call each other up to moan at each other in support..and i really mean it as others dont understand when youre tearing your hair out as he wont keep still or shut up for 10 secs[ that as far as we get when we ask him to keep quiet for as long as he can]

Hi, just a thought to hopefully help.

Have you tried reading 'The Explosive Child' by Ross Green - it's available on Amazon? I found it really useful with my DS who can be very aggressive verbally and physically. It helps to get a different view on what is happening and control your own reaction to it (as in stop you feeling so angry about it and offers ways of dealing with the aggression - stops you feeling so helpless IME).

HTH WMxx

I wish I had some practical advice about where to find support etc. I can certainly understand why you need time away from it all. xx

Hi thanks for your messages.
Bambi06, chloe is good at school and complys fairly well although she does work with 1 to 1 support as has supposed problems academically. I have been advised by the teacher that her downfall is the attention seeking as she doesn't like the support teacher working with the other 3 children on her table. She is also very fidgety in class but not really disruptive to others apart from when she wants attention!!!!
She is a nightmare at home and everywhere else for that matter, but the pead still wont DX anything due to her behaviour and ability to conform in school.
The teacher has agreed to speak to the pead before Xmas break up as she is in the progress of doing chloes new IEP and she has said that she will tell them that all though her behaviour is mostly good, that her academic and concentration levels etc.. are extremely poor.
I just hope that they will listen to her as i'm getting absolutely know where!!!!
Butty.xxx

but she sounds like she is doing quite well at school! its at home that there is a problem.

parp

enid,
what do you mean it's at home she has the problem???
She is behaves like that regardless of where she is or who she is with EXEPT SCHOOL and like i have said she has learning problems as well as a great tendency for attention seeking!!!!
I have been trying for 2 years to get help with chloe and have done everything in my power to help her.
My daughter has no sense of fear or danger, she does not know how to speak quietly, she cant do a simple task without it ending in a total meltdown, she will not be told what to do, she hits me, throws things at me never sits down, never shuts up NEVER STOPS!!!!!!!
I am sorry enid, but if i could do any more to improve the situation, then i would, but as i have done everything possible all i can do is push for help.
Social services have her as a "child at risk", not from me, but from herself and they feel thats that the only way we will get extra help!!!
So feel free to say the problems are at home, but look at the bigger picture!!!!
My daughter has issues out of my control and there is only so much that a human being can do, let alone a mum!!!!!!!!!
Butty.xxx

butty would you consider BIBC for chloe? They can help out if the cost is too much, the initial interveiw is free, and whilst they don't dx they are good at seeing where the problems are - and their reposts can help you get to the right person. They also give lots of behavioural tips etc and you would get 3 days to concentrate on chloe.

I don't know much about ADHD but I know that with ASD it is very common for children to cope well at school and then explode at home. It takes so much effort for them to conform that when they get home they let it all out. It doesn't mean that the parents are necessarily doing something wrong. There is also the fact that children thrive on the rigid routine of school. It's impossible to emulate this at home, particularly if you have more than one child.

butty if SS have her as a child at risk it might be asking whether they will find appropriate playschemes/weekend schemes or even direct payments (not sure how that works as it is usually used to fund respite- but worth asking). I've found direct payments to be a godsend as I can pay for an extra pair of hands which makes all the difference in dealing with ds1/ He's much easier to deal with if I have the time to be 1:1 with him as we can go out etc, and the other kids are having their needs met too (in the park usually )

Even at ds1's level of funcitoning that is true CT. He is being an angel at school at the moment- because he is being kept occupied. At home it's flit and destroy, flit and destroy, flit and destroy. Luckily the school understand the issues.

When he was at mainstream he would come home and scream and cry all evening.

Enid, i would also like to say that i joined MN for support with people facing or having similar problems to myself, NOT to be judged or made out to be a bad mum, your comments have made me very angry and i dont think it is fair that you state that the problems are at home.!!!!
I take critisism on board very well, but i dont take too kindly to procrastination from others who do not know me nor my daughter.!!!!!!!
Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but i advise that the next time you want to put the blame on a parent who has done and tried everything, then maybe, just maybe you should keep them thoughts to yourself as life as a mum is hard with out the very opinionated, alienating people to feel bad!!!!!!!!
Butty.xx

Baka and coppertop,
Thanks for your messages.
Tomorrow chloe has her first session at the family centre with a pro. this has been arranged by social services and it will concentrate on finding out why chloes behaviour is the way it is and through play they want to do a life story with her to try to help me figure out certain things.
It is a 12 week course aimed at helping her and me to try and find a reason of behaviour problems and then from there they are meeting the teacher and also want to see the pead in aid to support and highlight the way she is with me and others and hopefully get the pead to take note!!!They have all agreed and stated that chloes behaviour in school reflects on the rigid and very structured routine and that when at home or with others, it's like she explodes and out comes all that energy that she so longed to release all day.!!!
Butty.xxx

Calm down I didnt say it was your fault. I just meant that as she doesnt seem to have too much of a problem at school then surely thats something you can put to one side for now and concentrate on her behaviour out of school - eg at home.

I won't be bothering to post anymore as its clear you aren't really interested in what other people think.

Sorry to hear that things are so difficult for you Butty.
It seems that Chloe benefits from school. Is it worth trying to pick out what exactly it is that helps her. Is it the fact that it is the same structure and that people are consistent? At home it is really really hard to be consistent about things. Could you get help through your social worker with either family counselling or a parenting course? It sounds like you are trying so hard and not getting support from your partner so a parenting sourse could put you in touch with people locally who would be supportive.
Is Chloe old enough to talk to calmly and decide on an aspect of your relationship that she would like to be better. Could you try and talk together about some small steps you could both make to try and improve things- agree a deal. do you ever get time to be with Chloe and do some 1:1 things together without her having to share you with Dylan? Even just snuggling up with a book would be nice.
Is there anyone at school you could lean on a bit for some practical help with things at home. Is the Head easy to talk to?
Good luck

Enid, yes i do listen to other peoples advise and very much appreciate it as well as take it on board.
If you look at your last post it says "what do you mean it's at home she has the problem"
Does not sound a little procrastinating to you??
I may have the wrong end of the stick, but i certainly take interest of others opinions.
PRINCESSMARTYPANTS,
Hiya, i have a 1 hour a day 1 to 1 with chloe of which we do reading and talking etc.. But after 10 minutes she just goes into her own world of bad and disruptive behaviour.
I make every effort to divide my time with the children. Dylan has physical and mental disabilities. He can not be left unsupervised for one moment and also he cant talk, so a lot of the time i am struggling to understand what he wants.
On the other hand although dylan needs this supervision half the time it ends up in a battle between me, the wall and chloe!!!!!IE, me banging my head at the wall.
Apparantly, dylan is too young for respite care and yes i would love to spend more time with chloe, but what do other parents do when they have 1+ kids. The fact that chloe gets my undivided attention for an hour of the day i think is pretty good considering the circumstances.
I would love to take her shopping, go out for dinner somewhere or even have a nice walk with her and the dog, but she cannot be trusted as she just runs away and hides from me.
I have tried so many times to do mummy/daughter girlie things with her and tried so hard to keep her occupied but it just doesnt work.
She is classed as a danger to herself, due to the running away, hiding in shops, running into the road etc... all things that i have been teaching her from toddling not to do!!!
Butty.xxx

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Butty, you and me are in a similar position

My DS is ASD/AS and he USED to act like you say your Chloe is acting, extremely well behaved at school,teachers thought he was a darling and then when he came home WHAM, it was a different child that lived with us altogether, he was agressicve both verbally and physically, the amount of times he,s had me in tears, he would scream and shout and head bang, and trash his room,make himself vomit on purpose for attention,not eat,soil himself,pack his bags and run off-he was AWFUL.

This year we were told that he is ASD/AS, and he is awaiting a place at the CTC to see where abouts on the spectrum he is.

The only thing that has calmed him down is having a rigid timetable,we bought him a visual timetable and put it on the wall, we tell everything in advance,obviousley there are times when we cant do that and thats where he goes off on one.

He has a behaviour chart as well that he looks at to see if he,s being good,the child psych has helped us a lot and we are yet to see a paediatrician.

As you know my DD was diagnosed with Hypotonia yesterday and she takes up a lot of my time as well,also me and DH used to be like you say you and your DH are, not talking him ignoring what was going on until i eventually wrote him a letter telling him what his behaviour was doing to us as a family and asked him to leave.

He went to counselling and is now helping me so much more and it is a lot better, sometimes our partners cant cope with the fact that our children are SN and switch off but it doesnt mean that they dont care, its just their way of coping.

I totally understand you needing to get away and going out with your freinds,i have a glass or 2 of white wine and soda every night-its my wind down time so im certainly not going to criticise you for that.

Hopefully this course that you and Chloe are going on will help, i hope so,in the meantime you rant away on here thats what we are here for ESPECIALLY those who are mums of SN kids who TRULY understand what you are going through.

Ps ive just posted you a message on my thread asking for some advice if you would have a look!

If you want to talk i am on MSN Messenger, CAT me and i will let you have my email,

Thinking of you

Hi jenk1 and Lynny,
Thanks for your messages.
No i didn't win the competition i came second but i got £250.00 for it!!!!!!!!! Harahhhhhhhh I can start Xmas shopping.
I am just leaving work for the day, so will try and get on PC this aff if i can get the wank** off it!!!!!!!!!!
Speak to you soon.
Butty.xxx

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