Can't cope with DD1 any longer!!!!!!!!!

[butty]

I am getting No where!!!!!!!!
Chloe is going from bad to worse day by day.
She doesn't stop, she does't shut up, She never listens and i am fed up of arguing with her.
The simplest of tasks are turning into world war 3!!!!!!!!!!!
The pead still says that she hasn't got ADHD,
The teacher is saying that chloe is being quite good in school and that her behaviour is like another girl on her table, bearing in mind that chloes table is the one 2 one support table as she is having real difficulties with reading and writing and is in the bottom 4 of the class.
She does attention seek at school and needs a lot of pushing and persistence when working, i am just wondering if this could be linked with her problems.???
I really have had enough of her and i am feeling a lot of anger towards her at the mo which i know i shouldn't be, but i just can't help it.
She never behaves and is still being verbally and at times still physically aggressive towards me and dylan and her dad!!!!
Will it ever get any easier or do i have to throw in the towel and admit defeat from the pros who think that she is fine????
Feeling really down with everything at the mo and with dylans results looming over me for the 17th i am going out 3 - 4 times a week getting so pissed just to forget about home!!!!!!!
I know it is wrong, but it is my release and keeps me going.
i dont drink at home so i know i dont have drinking problems, but now my mum is getting on my case saying that i am drinking far too much and that i need to see a counceller, but in all hinesight that would be fine if i hadn't already been down that route on several occassions, i know my mum is trying to help, but where is she when i need to get away from it all???
Sorry to rant, i am just note coping too well at the moment!!

Butty.xxxx

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Thanks Lynny70,
I know alcohol won't get me anywhere, but it is for the moment a social release for me with my mates, as if sober i end up talking bout the kids when that is what they are trying to get me away from when i go out!!!
I often go to the pub and take the car so that i don't have a drink, it's just more often than not i want to have a drink!!
I am clinically depressed and have been for quite some years. I take a few meds but they dont seem to help.
The only thing that will help is for my daughter to calm down as it is a constant battle of wills and torment with her.
I feel like my life is being ruled by her and even when i explain this to the docs about how bad she is getting me down it's as though they don't give a sh*t.
They are fully aware that i have problems with dylan and they know that i have a history of depression due to my past, but all they say is that she is fine and we'll assess her in another few months, so in the mean time the only help i get is home start as still waiting for the local family centre behaviour development schemes appointment as referred by social services due to chloe's behaviour of which they have said is appauling and they can't understand why the docs are dismissing the situation.!!
Then again, nor can i.
They sore how she is with me first hand in a 1.5 hour appointment and couldn't believe the things that she did!!!
Butty.xxx

sorry to sound harsh but giving up drinking will definitely help you and your dd.

dont you feel hungover the next day -how much attention can you give her then?

and, even more harsh, you cannot get away from it all. These are your children and you owe it to them to stop drinking and look at things more rationally.

I don't think Butty needs anyone to tell her about drinking being the wrong solution - she sounds like she has her head screwed on right -but she needs someone to talk to...

Butty have you had counselling?

well sorry but going out and getting pissed 3 or 4 times a week sounds like a drink problem to me. And obviously to others around butty too.

Enid, i dont get hangovers as i am a lightweight and only have about 3 or 4 wines and soda's.
I never get paraletic just pissed!!!!
I have a laugh when i go out with my mates and it helps to let me act my age, not just some 24 yr old with 2 kids, one disabled the other a total nightmare!!!!
Chloe gets all the attention she needs and more in fact if there were any more hours in the day, they would be devoted to chloe!!!
I work hard to support my family, i hold down a job, pay all the bills, do all the housework, spend all hours under the sun with my kids and in the process try to remain to a level of sanity!!!
I never go out until the kids are in bed and i am always up with them in the mornings.
My drinking does'nt affect my capabilities as a parent and nor would i allow it to!!!
I am just trying to have some sort of life away from home and luckily i can do that as my partner is too busy playing his computer every day/night of the week to give a shit what i do!!!
So there you have it, problems all round!!!
Butty.xxx

Forgetting about the alcohol for a minute, I understand how you can feel so angry and frustrated towards her. You will have to come up with strategies for dealing with her behaviour that don't make things worse and avaid the head to head confrontations. I think you are feeling so much worse as it seems like no one is on your side and it is all down to you. Take a step back for a minute and see where you can change things and get those around you to share the burden.

Sure I know what you're saying, and of course I don't condone what Butty's doing - but think it through - this needs to be HER OWN decision...

She needs to feel more in control and make decisions rather than feel even more criticised or condemned for her current lifestyle...

Butty, so sorry you are having such a hard time and have so little support. I think the last thing you need is to feel guilty about the attention you are giving your daughter when you're obviously trying so hard. Could you try and regulate your drinking a little? I could easily drink every night, rarely get 'drunk' but like a glass of wine to wind down but have recently tried 'not' to drink three nights a week at least and feel better for it. I also try and meet friends down the gym or do something other than the pub which seems to help. Could you afford to get independent advice? Maybe somebody else to assess Chloe? Lots of love and thinking of you ButtyXXXXXX

I have to stick up for Batty here its not the drinking thats the problem its how she is feeling about everything else.

Sorry, Butty, I posted and realised you had already posted back!
I agree that nobody should criticise your lifestyle, they are not in your shoes and you are obviously a responsible parent.

Yeah, I agree Skribble
Lots on your plate Butty, too much on your plate with no support

Rainbowwalker,
Thanks for your message, the answer is i have had counciling in the past and all they say is that i seem to know what i am talking about and have also said that i have a good head on me.
Sometimes i don't understand people judging me for what i do with my social life away from the house, i work hard and as many other mums have said to me, they wish they could go out and get away from it all!!!!
The problem is, that maybe if my partner noticed me in the slightest, i would have an adult to talk to and not have the desire to go out as much!!!
Butty.xxx

well you did say originally that you 'knew it was wrong' to go out drinking so much - so how come now its all not a big deal?

sorry but I think running away from your problems is not helping.

who else is going to tackle this if you dont?

I agree your situation sounds difficult and you have built so much resentment up against your dd I think its going to be hard to pull things back from the brink.

Okay can i just clarify that i go to the pub for seeing my friends and my other passion in life which is singing!!!!!! Not just to get away from the kids!!!!!
I love the karaoke, before i had the kids i used to be in a band and i was out 6 nights aweek then!!!!!!
I am out tonight in a final for the local pub idol of which if i win i will take home £500.00 cash!!!!!!!
Thanks for all of you who arn't judging me, i know that i am capable of going to a pub and not drinking and also just to point out that i NEVER drink at home which must mean something!!!
I would never let my kids see me drunk nor would i be silly enough to get so abliterated that i couldn't look after them.
Butty.xxx

ok before I look like a ranting nutter you did say:

"Feeling really down with everything at the mo and with dylans results looming over me for the 17th i am going out 3 - 4 times a week getting so pissed just to forget about home!!!!!!!
I know it is wrong, but it is my release and keeps me going. "

?

Butty hope the comp goes well, sometimes everything can swamp us and if you are getting no support it will semm worse. Use your time away from the kids to feel better about yourself and then you have half a chance of dealing with them.
One trick I used to do if I was getting out of hand with the kids [ie angry] is to do a bit of acting, pretend you are on a reality show and they are filming your every move, put on the wonderful mum act even if you are boiling underneath, then let it all out once they are in bed. Saved me loseing the rag on more than one occasion. (Like to pretend I am doing a cookery show too when making the dinner but I really need a centre island for that .)

Butty, I don't know what your relationships with your mum is like, but if you sat down and had a heart to heart with her about needing more help with dd, would she be able to chip in a bit more? (And I don't mean chip in with comments about you going out - I mean chip in with help!)

Enid, i am now saying it isn't that bigger deal coz over the last 2 hours since starting this thread, i have answered some of my own questions.

1. Yes the amount of nights i go out is quite a lot.
2. No, i am not running away from my problems, i just let them dissapear for the night!!! They are still there when i get home!! 3.I think i deserve some me time.
3. If there was some one supportive at home, then maybe i would stay in, but the supportive ones are my few friends who help me to relax and enjoy myself. They also spend a lot of time with me and the kids at the weekend going places and doing things as none of them feel comfortable at my house because of how arogant and ignorant my partner is. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, and if you think what i am doing is wrong then so be it, but can i just clarify that i would move heaven and earth for my kids, they never go with out anything including love and lots of it. My problem is 1 kid with SN the other prob SN and no bloody help from anyone other than myself and the few pros who are helpful enough, but they dont have a lot of time as there are many others in the same predicament as myself. Butty.xxx

OK enid, yes i did say that and that is how it is, yes i do get drunk and run away from my problems, but i still have to deal with them so better off neither way.
I don't like sounding like a charasmatic bitch nor do i like feeling like a bad mum who doesn't pay her kids any attention coz i do!!!
Yes i do need help but i am fed up pushing for it and not getting anywhere.
So ok there you go have admitted i drink too much when i go out and yes to forget things, but then i also enjoy myself when i go out and get some time away, i laugh, i cry, i joke, i sing, i dance and i feel like a 24 year old!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And yes i talk about my kids when i am out, usually to my closest friend who is a good listener oh and the other person i go out with a lot is my mother!!!!!!!!
Butty.xxx

Butty whats worse going to the pub in the real world or sitting on the computer on Mumsnet all night. I wish I had friends to go out with a couple of nights a week.

Good luck with the competition Butty.

When I was in an unhappy marriage and feeling the pressure of four kids under 5 my escape was to join an amateur dramatics group... fantastic fun and I made some great new friends, you should look for one locally and offer your sevices - they're always looking for people who can sing to do Christmas Panto!

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Thanks for all your support and also sorry if i have offended anybody by being a bit tetchy.
It is hard to admit to my self that i have a problem which is why the defence mechanisms come flying straight up!!!
I know drinking isn't a solution, so after 2nite, i am still going to go to the pub with my mates as i really enjoy singing and the satisfaction it gives me when people applaud and tell me afterwards how good i was, but instead only drink one nite and the others i will take the car!!!!
I am trying so desperately to get a grip at home that when i have a had a full day of shit and hassle i need somewhere to wind down!!!
I dont think that i will be with my partner much longer and will probably give him the boot after xmas as i have had nearly 6 years of his pathetic and unsupportive ways, i suppose i am scared of being on my own as i am a total extravert and always have been.
I dread to think what coping on my own with the kids would be like, as the only time he does help is when he hears my alarm bells going which is when he steps in and i step outta the room usually crying, he then slopes back off to his pitt with the beloved computer.!!!
Butty.xxx