Moving up to secondary school, lets flap about it together.

[lostinwales]

Apologies if anyone has started a thread like this already I just need some handholding before September. DS1 (11, formal diagnosis of Dyspraxia, informal of ASD) is currently in our small village school, 10/15 to a year group everyone knows everyone and he has a nice little group of friends. He copes very well with the routine there and his teacher has time to teach the way he learns and after help with an OT he is doing really well.

The one thing he doesn't cope with is anygthing away from this lovely order. This morning he walked to school ahead of me with DS2 as I dawdled with DS3. He got to school, realised I hadn't signed a form (not essential today but if he's been told it need doing it HAS to be done). He dumped his coat and bag and ran all the way out of school to me in a complete panic, by the time I'd calmed him down and we got to school and signed his form it was 5 past 9, at which point he started to hit himself in the forehead with his homework folder and panic as he was late (and as he has been told not to be late this mega panics him). In the end he was taken to calm down by an LSA and I explained to his teacher and they were lovely and calm and helped him but I could see he would be in a state all morning. How will he cope in a school with 1,000 pupils? Right now I could cry, I want to go with him and keep him safe but I can't and it terrifies me.

I think that is sweet, driving passed the school. It is only a problem if you parked up, put on the dark glasses and the mac and started wandering the corridors of the school.

How did everybody's day go today? I hope everybody is happy and things are running smoothly.

Unfortunately, for us, things haven't been so great. DS was OK when he came out of school - said his day wasn't so great but he seemed OK and he got a new computer game in the post so he was fine until it was time for him to stop playing it. After that there were major tears. He seems to have been put in a class with children who also have SN but behavioural problems. The only 2 people he knew had both been unkind to him in the past and he doesn't like them. He thinks he is being punished because he has been put in a class with all the naughty children.

Now he is saying he wants to move class, he hates school (he has always been more than happy to go) and he won't go back tomorrow. He calmed down a bit later but I am not looking forward to the morning. I have to speak to somebody but who?! I did send an email to his form tutor (just so I could say I was doing something and it was the only email I had) but it bounced however, before we realised DH got shirty as I didn't show it to him before I sent it and he sent his own version after working out how DS had copied it down wrong, wading in with his size 9's and probably making me look like a pillock. . And he has got all worked up and talking about sending DS private which is just silly as he still won't know anybody and will have to go through the new boy thing all over again.

Hope tomorrow is a better day.

Oh Niecie, not a brilliant start. I am saying 'just until Friday' and then we can see what's a problem and what we can change. Having been to school in the private sector myself I don't think it would help much, although it's probably changed a lot in 20 years. The urge to conform and herd mentality were magnified 10x. We had trouble in the holidays with bullying from the only two boys he knew well in the school and now one of them won't let DS1 sit next to his friend on the bus as it's his friend too and they are in the same year and DS1 is younger. He was sitting on his own on the bus yesterday which makes me sad for some stupid reason.

I can't imagine having a DH that would wade in like that, it's really lovely that he cares you just need to dial him down a bit! DH here won't even talk about it, and as he is a teacher I find it a touch annoying. He is a quiet, shy man and says DS1 is just like me he will be fine, but DH was singled out at 9 as being highly intelligent and likely to do well and was also on every main school sports team up until he got perfect 'A' level results. I don't think that's the same at all as being dyspraxic, but then I'm not a professional so who knows?

Our lovely DS's, so many parents are making a huge fuss about academic work and streaming and all I want from this year is for DS1 to have one friend his age and to be happy.

Well, DS2 is doing really well so far. I hope the separation doesn't knock him back. Sorry, I've been totally distracted today and not thought about how his day went at all.

ellen, I'll send you some more gin! I'm sure one of your boys would have said if there was a problem, you've a lot on your plate right now, your H certainly picked his moment, tosser.

niecie, how's it going, any improvement? My dh gets himself all wound up as well, also a pillock but thankfully he's the sort that thinks I write a better letter so he just 'tells' me to do it We've also had trouble decifering ds1s school email address, there's no way he's ever going to remember it.

how's everyone else getting on?

been a bit distracted the last couple of days as dd3 (5) started her new ss yesterday, pic on profile, but thankfully she was fine. obviously with schools permission though. Ds1 seems to be doing ok, he did the football trials yesterday and is going back again today because he didn't get picked. His hand writing is atrocious so having a few problems deciphering but can't see he's got any homework yet, I thought he'd get loads, dd2 got some on her first day back yesterday. I'm just wondering how long to leave it before I start hassling the senco, in the nicest possible way of course as she seems to be quite on the ball as I got a call from ds2s tutor with a couple of questions the other day!

Things still not good here.

DS came out of school happier yesterday. Said it was a better day but still wants to go in a 'proper' class with people he knows. Then at bedtime it was another minor bout of crying and asking us to help. I feel really helpless and don't know what to do to make it better. I have told him he can't expect to change, that we are doing our best but he might just have to put up with it.

Spoke to the head of year yesterday. I was having trouble not crying on the phone so I don't think I said as much as I wanted to because I had to do little pauses to control myself but basically the conversation boiled down to me saying DS was unhappy because this is not what he expected to happen and he needs to move class to be with this peers and the Head of Yr saying the fact he is upset just goes to proves he is in the right place. Short of cloning DS I don't see how I can prove I am right and the school are wrong - there is no way of proving that this is not what would have happened had he been treated like all the other children.

Apparently the group he is in is not permanent and they expect to start moving them into proper classes as soon as Christmas although he might be in it all year. Am I alone in thinking that what these children do not need is to have to have two lots of big changes instead of one. How does that even make sense??! They expect him to move into an established class where everybody is settled and where all the relationships he once had in the Juniors (I can't call them friendships but at least he spoke and worked with people) will have been long forgotten.

Anyway, I told DS to 'act normal' and he might get moved sooner which did at least make him smile.

EllenJane - Sorry to hear about your separation (I hope you don't mind I read your other SN thread). What an utter, utter twat your H is.
What awful timing for your poor DS and of course for you too. You sound really strong about it but I can imagine that is mostly anger so take care of yourself as well as your boys.

TheNinjaGoose - hope things are going OK with all you have to deal with too. Two DC changing schools is enough for me (DS2 is fine though but decided he wasn't getting enough attention whilst DS1 was sobbing and tried to force a few tears out too. ) You have a lot more on your plate than me so hope things are going smoothly.

LostinWales - We are doing the let's get to Friday thing too but quite what is supposed to happen come Friday who knows! I don't think we have quite worked out yet!!

Yesterday was better than the day before so hoping today shows some small improvements too.

Wow, that was monstrously long.

Sorry.

Ellen no wonder you are distracted!
Niecie that is an unusual system. Are they trying to asess each childs needs in this specialist class?
Lovely pictures Ninja. Ds also has no homework in his homework book. As he cannot read or write I do not know if someone else will write in his book. I have bought him an MP3 player to keep him occupied on the school bus but stupidly did not get anything that he could record on.
So far mornings at home have gone much better( no stroppy shouting and showing off new rude words) since earning money for the tuck shop (for a juice or bread roll) was introduced! I am hoping it will help with money too. He had a little weep this morning because the 20p was too small (50p buys a cake!) so perhaps he will need to earn extra money. I could give him a snack or drink but the novely of the tuck shop is a good motivator. Thankfully they do not sell confectionary!
On the down side his continance has suffered as I was worried it might. Every seat cushion in the house is drying off and the whole house smells of carpet shampoo! So maybe earning money for following a toiletting program. ( at his old school they were all sent at opportune moments)

I dread the start of homework. It is very difficult to get ds to cooperate when he doesnt want to do things or he finds things hard.
I am fortunate in that ds appears to be enjoying school - although he is very tired and grumpy after school. He likes the food so far!!
So far he has lost one training shoe, one towel, one sports bag, and one set of head phones - the later returned the next day. It could be expensive!!

Ellen - Just realised what you're going through (other thread). I'm so sorry . I hope your DS's day went well again today - I can imagine that you are not really up to dealing with any more problems at the moment. I'm glad you have lots of RL friends to support you through this.

Niecie - I hope your DS settles down soon. I'm sorry that he is so unhappy at being in the special class. My son has also been put into a special class and it is the one thing that made him cry the night before school. To his surprise, he likes the class and says the teachers are really nice. If the school feel he can cope, he may get moved into the mainstream classes later, but this feels like the right place for him right now. I hope your son begins to enjoy his class more soon.

Magso - glad your son is enjoying school so far. I'm not looking forward to homework starting either, but we have three weeks' grace first.

Ninja - sounds as if your children are settling in nicely too .

Lost - you are right about wanting our children to just find one friend and be happy. Hope your son finds one soon (or maybe he already has?).

I think someone has swapped my OCD anxious son for a 'normal' child this week, as he is doing really well so far . He has made a new friend and is round at his new friend's house right now. I just hope the friendship continues, as DS tends to fix on one main friend and then be distraught if that friendship goes wrong. I have reminded him to be friendly to other children too, so that he isn't left high and dry if this boy is off school or the friendship goes wrong.

I just hope the psychiatrist doesn't want to take my son off Prozac in January, when we have the review, as I'm convinced his anxiety issues will resurface if that happens.

Quick post as I am falling asleep (I am NOT a morning person and have been up at 7am every day this week). Food is sorting itself out . Biggest moment of the week was my mobile's 'text noise' yesterday at 3.45 'Hello, I am on the school bus. Would it be alright if we get off at the park? DS1', you could have knocked me down with a feather. He's never texted before in his life, in fact I thought he'd lost his phone but no, he'd charged it the day before, put it in his bag, handed it in at school as they are told to, collected it and then arranged to meet another boy at the park. Stuff the exams for streaming, this is proper interacting with the real world! Bless though, the other boy is SN too so they got to the park, briefly acknowledged each other then wandered off in their own worlds, but still, what a start.

Ellen I hope today has been less hellish.

Niecie it must be frustrating for you let alone DS to have no sure idea of the future. It sounds similar to DS1's school though. They are in groups now, then they set them for a few subjects, possibly change a few at half term and then review at Christmas, what a faff, no chance to get into a routine, I can only hope they all know what they are doing.

I'm glad everyone else is going ok, I sense this one could run and run though

Hi all.

DS2 has had 4 lots of homework so far and, amazingly, has completed them (with my help) without a fuss!!! He has 2 TAs and they have been filling in his homework book for them, so no escape. I have to say, so far it's an excellent start.

H, (or Dickhead as I now like to call him) is coming around tomorrow so we can break the news to the boys. They can have the weekend to come to terms with it. I hope it doesn't ruin this good start. &

Ellen - 'DH' does require a different meaning in your husband's case, I agree. Good luck with breaking the news to your boys tomorrow. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I hope you have supportive friends/family around you this weekend.

Lost - that is amazing of your DS! It must be very good for his self confidence.

DS texted me to ask if we could pick him up early from his new friend's house. Uh oh. He had put on a good act, but he was flagging and having a meal at someone else's house (something he never does) had pushed him just that bit too far. He has had a great time, but is finding it hard to cope with his new friend's expectations. For instance, his friend has now invited him out for the day with him and his mum and DS just can't do it, but when he tried to explain to the other boy he didn't understand. I said I'd explain to the boy's mum, but my DS doesn't want anyone in the new school to know about his 'issues'.

On a positive note, he said that, on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the most anxious, he is finding school a 4, apart from when they do the CAT tests (8).

The bus home has been the biggest problem so far. It can get very crowded and everyone pushes to get on at once. If there are no seats left DS2 has got upset and tearful, and he doesn't like it too crowded. But even if they let him out a bit early, the buses haven't always arrived. If it gets too bad o may have to pick him up, but that would be costly and leave DS3 in the lurch.

Not such a good day today, but I'm not surprised considering what a long week it's been. DS phoned me on the way to school to say that he was coming home because he felt sick. He had been teary in the morning. I persuaded him to continue to school, but he only lasted till about 10, then had to leave his lesson. I picked him up and brought him home. He was very sorry, but I told him he'd done brilliantly to go in at all when he was feeling so tired and ill.

He needs lots of sleep and a relaxing weekend now.

Hope you and all your children manage to have a much-needed rest this weekend too.

Hello, hope everybody is enjoying a restful Friday evening and a collective sigh of relief that the first week is over.

Lost How lovely your DS has managed to find a friend and he was able to take control and go to the park alone. I wish my DS showed some initiative like that.

Ellenjane - We have avoided the school bus for now for just the reasons you suggest. (That and the fact you have to book for the whole year because they are running their own service - seems like a big commitment when you don't know exactly how things are going to pan out). I wouldn't fancy being on a crowded bus like that and I am a big.

Toffefudgecake - poor DS - well done to him for getting to school even though he was feeling poorly. I hope it is just tiredness and he bounces back tomorrow.

Things have improved marginally here. DS was not quite so negative this afternoon when I picked him up although he really wasn't happy this morning and again looked close to tears. He was happy that it is the weekend though. He even said that he wasn't sure if he wanted to change class now which is just typical after we finally got our emails to his teacher (she is new and it wasn't set up properly) and we are in the process of setting up a meeting with the head of year, his tutor, the SENCO and us. Mind you, whether or not he changes class, I still don't want them thinking they can make such big decisions like whether or not he should go in the nuture group, without our consent again so could do with a conversation about what they thought they were doing and why. Communication hasn't been great and I don't think they understand that it is not change that throws DS but surprises.

Anyway, we can forget about all this for a couple of days and sort it out next week. Unfortunately, it won't be a quiet weekend for us and we are busy both days including DS2's birthday party.

There's a theme for all our boys here isn't there (although that shouldn't be a shock really). Buses are DS1's main cause of anxiety, he's leaving progressively earlier every morning because he doesn't want to be late, He's leaving 10-15 mins before it arrives at the moment (not that I'm watching for it from the upstairs window you understand ) and coming home when everyone piles on at once is very hard. The are good here though as the understanding is that they sit year 7 at the front up to the huge children (adults!) at the back.

He's doing really well, he texts me at 3.45 every day now to see if we'll be at the park (by the primary school) or not. He has been hanging out with his friends from the primary school who have gone to other secondaries but he looks very relieved when we say home time. He looks knackered bless him. He is very happy there is no school today and I've had lots of hugs, bliss.

He's also very cross with school as they've given him a time table but keep changing things so they can do tests for streaming and take their photos (?). Giving him a timetable and not sticking to it Does Not Compute, bless him!

not a bad week for ds1 overall I don't think. Again the bus is causing stress, thursday morning 5 buses stopped but were full so he couldn't get on and ended up walking and was late. Thankfully there were lots of late boys so they all got let off, was obvious it was the bus that was the problem not the boys leaving home late or it would have been a detention. Again friday, he left earlier but still couldn't get on the bus and ended up walking but wasn't late. He can't leave any earlier now or he'd be in school way too early and would probably get himself in trouble, I think leaving at 7.30 is early enough [sigh] His edulink was delivered to the school and wasn't working so we've got to wait for a replacement [bigger sigh]

but, big plus, he got on one of the football teams as did all the boys who tried out and has played his first game this morning!!!!!!

I hope the weekend gives them all a chance to rest and catch up, it's been a looooong week but I'm really pleased we've all got through it and if we work hard enough we can sort all the teething problems.

ellen, do school do an after school homework club so he could leave a bit later and avoid some of the crowds?

I think they do, but it's a school bus, not a public one and 4 miles away, so I'd have to go and pick him up. We'll suck it and see. On a more positive note, he's been entirely unconcerned that dickhead won't be living with us anymore! Autism has it's advantages.

Crossing fingers that the second week goes ok for us all...

Hope ds2 birthday went well Neicie. It is difficult having parties early in the new school year if school friends are to be included. Ds is soon -( note to self to get organised)
Sounds good about the football Ninja. Its been a long week for us too. Ds has been invited to join the ITC after school club (ds lack of reading has held this back somewhat - he tends to press buttons somewhat randomly and can get very frustrated without 1 on 1. I suspect it is a club to help with this) The down side is that I will have to collect him and it is quite a long way ( 8-9 miles) but is will only be once a week.
Boys ( and girls but particularly boys) can be very roudy and larky on public transport. It must be very difficult for your son EllenJane. Is there another child or friend that could sit with DS2 and buffer him from the noise? I bought ds an MP3 player for the school bus ( there is no escort to keep every one in order now they are at senior ss). Too early to tell if it is helping ( to keep ds sitting still and hands to himself) yet but it gives him a talking point and makes him like the others on the bus.

Well I think last week went OK. Homework is communicated via a printed sticker in their homework book ( ds cannot read but no doubt was told what was expected - the sticker is for my benefit). Went out with some friends ( zoo trip bought a toy snake) and although ds behaved well mostly, just as we were all leaving he deliberatly and persistantly annoyed another child ( hissing in his hearing aid!!) which shocked me a bit. I hate this lack of natural ability to empathise. Even once explained he persisted. I worry about this sort of behaviour at school and the effect on friendships. He doesn't get the subtle signs at all.

oh that's a pain ellen, mp3 player sounds a good idea. Hope all's well with you, are your other 2 ok?

magso, dd3 is about 7 miles away, I'm not looking forward to days with appointments and having to do all the backwards and forwards to school, it just means most of the day goes. ICT club sounds good, ds1 isn't very computer savy, could do with something similar. Are there a lot of kids on the bus, I think dd3 has 3 others on hers, plus escort though as 2 of them are so young.

homework has proved a problem, he was clueless on what was expected, easy for me to work out but he had no idea how to find the info, it meant googling and he struggles with that, poor spelling doesn't help! I'd like him to go to the homework club the senco runs at lunch time but I can't see him giving up his lunch break, plus he does need to run off some energy so he can sit still in the afternoon. We have an open evening with the form tutor coming up next week so will see what he says.

fingers crossed the week goes well.

Hello, hope all is going well with you.

Homework is a pain isn't it? I am in two minds about homework clubs as well - I would love DS to get it done at school as it would stop battles here but at the same time I agree that they need some down time. Lunchtime is so short anyway it seems a shame to do anything in the limited breaks. After school homework club would be good but I can't see him doing that either.

DS is having a better week - much calmer in himself. I am still stewing over the way the school have handled things. I went into his old junior school were DS2 started last weeks and saw the SENCO/deputy head and the head teacher. They asked how DS1 was getting on and I started welling up. I told them how badly DS had started off and they were shocked to find he had been put in the bottom group (found out that as well as being the so called 'nuture' group it is also the bottom set). The DH said she hadn't expected that either, shouldn't be in the bottom set at all and just needs somebody to keep an eye on him. She said she would phone the secondary SENCO and put a word with her which was kind. I am a governor at the school so I know they quite well which helps I suppose. Perhaps I should be a secondary gov too!!

We have a meeting arranged now for Thursday with the Head of year, SENCO and DS's form tutor. If nothing else comes of it I would hope that they at least don't leave us out of the loop next time they make a big decision. Ideally though we still want him moved to the group he should have been in had he not got a label that seems to have made them make all sorts of assumptions about him and his ability to cope. We also got a letter saying he could be offered social comms classes which is what we expected in the first place. I am doing research on IPAs to see if it would be of use and will be pressing to see the IEP too which I have never had to worry about before because the juniors were always on top of things. Knowledge is power and all that.

DS2's actual birthday tomorrow. Can't believe he is 8. I'm glad it is his day tomorrow - his change of school has been forgotten because it was so easy compared to DS1 so it is his turn for some attention.

Have a good week.

niecie, forceful namechange there Pleased to hear you've a meeting set up now, hopefully they'll get their act in gear. Happy birthday to your ds2 for tomorrow

ds2 appears to be getting on ok, he's at least managed to get on the bus in the morning, although yesterday was the first day he didn't ring me when he got out of school, despite me saying there was no need to if he didn't want to. No more homework yet.

Whoops about the name change - it was part of a joke on another thread and I forgot the change it.

I might leave it as a source of strength for this afternoons meeting. DH now can't go - has to go to a work meeting 2.5 hrs away with his biggest client He is self employed and we can't afford him to lose this client unfortunately.

I now feel like I am going to a job interview with a panel. 3 against 1. Wish me luck!

Good about the homework Ninja - it is started to build up a bit here although nothing too time consuming. I'm still trying to build DS1's desk though. It has a bent part and it has taken me nearly a week to phone the company about it to get a replacement.

Hope you are all doing OK and everybody is coping.

Happy birthday NiecieDs2 and hope its a good day for all. I hope they get something set up for ds1 -perhaps a suitable class with access to nurturing staff/ space!
Ninja brilliant ds2 got on the bus OK and is weening himself off the phone calls. He seems to be doing very well at gradually adapting himself to the new situation. Hope dd3 is getting on well.
This week so far has got rather harder. Ds has said he has tummyache and doesnt want to go to school , and been quite difficult to dress etc. He evenfailed to get up yesturday - he usually springs out of bed with the larks!! I have stayed firm - and sent him anyway. even the bus driver commented on what hard work ds is (he is brilliant and helped coax ds onto the bus giving him his own space at the back) This morning went a little smoother although ds was wanting to be mummied ( he asked to be fed)!! We have gone back to bedtime stories to get him to settle at night. I was hoping he would mature once at senior school but the opposite is happening. I suppose it is a reaction to having to be more independant at school and not having a surrogate mum via a class teacher. I have spoken to school about toileting so he will be reminded to use the loo at stratigic times. The house is recovering a little!!

I hope everyone has had a good second week. I am exhausted so I don't know about the children.

Homework is a killer! I have no idea how they cope with DS1 at school, we are trying to get a routine going but he is up, down, bouncing, singing spouting gibberish, anything but concentrating. I've had to walk away this morning and leave it to DH as I got frustrated and that's not helpful at all. I think I'm going to buy one of those wedge seats with bobbles and a weighted blanket for home. He's gone off for the day with a friend and his dad now to run off some energy and leave me to spend some time on MN give the other two a little bit of attention.

He's been streamed for maths and I was very interested in where he would be as he's intelligent but hopeless at tests, his old school were really worried that he wouldn't show how well he could do. So any way we have the result; he's in Ada Lovelace stream . They give them names so the children (and parents I suppose) aren't looking at the other children and comparing. I'll have to phone the SN liaison on Monday and check he's not in the lowest stream.

How did the meeting go for your streaming Neicie? It'll be interesting to see how much they listen to parents at 'big school'.

I hope you've had a better week EllenJane, MP3 player sounds a great idea, those buses are so loud even I get a bit phased, I don't know how our boys cope.

Enjoy your mummy needing boy magso, I am loving the extra large cuddles I get before he squares his shoulders and heads out into the scary big boy world.