AIBU to be angry at school so early in...

[misskellyb]

My son is being assessed for autism and a strong possibility of ADHD (can't assess yet as he's too young).

He has a lot of sensory processing difficulties. One of these being toileting. He has just started reception at a small, one form school and is still in nappies. He is on daily laxatives and regularly soils. Therefore he is still in nappies. He will not toilet train. If he wears pants (and sometimes even when wearing nappies - if he's in uncomfortable environments) he will withhold his wee and poo up until the point of getting so unwell he requires enemas at hospital or ends up with severe stomach pains from not weeing. When he has pants on he has a tendency to poo his pants with the overflow of poo and requires changing of his clothes and pants regularly.

He had his first day in reception yesterday. He had his nappy changed once and was introduced to the toilet but showed no interest in following his peers and using it. I'm hoping in time he will be comfortable enough to start using a toilet at school. However today, when we got home I noticed his nappy was still in his bag and his nappy hadn't been changed and was full of wee and poo. I will be raising this with the school tomorrow.

He also struggles with transitions, one of these being transitions with clothing. For example on a morning he for some reason refuses to change out of his pyjamas and will meltdown to the point that some days he has to stay in pyjamas. He struggles going from season to season changing from summer clothing (shorts and short sleeved t shirts to jumpers and trousers and vice versa). As you know it's extremely hot and he was left in his school jumper all day at school today. I confronted the school when he walked out in a jumper and The school said they asked him to change out of his jumper but he said no, so he was left to play all day in a wooly jumper with a soiled, wet nappy( I was unaware of the nappy being unchanged at this time).

As he does have additional needs I've asked the teacher if they will feed back to me regularly how he is getting on as his speech is somewhat delayed. The teacher said that they have 30 other children so this isn't possible. AIBU to be abit annoyed about this? I acknowledge their high numbers of children however surely for SEN children they can find a way to prioritise feeding back to parents, weekly, fortnightly, monthly? She said no news is good news so if I hear nothing all is fine. But the news that my sons nappy wasn't changed today and the news that he wouldn't change out of his school jumper is surely news I should be made aware of and not having to find out for myself?

AIBU to be annoyed they left him in a dirty nappy all day? Especially in this heat! They have a duty of care and this is just neglect. He will be prone to infections if this carries on and possibly bullying if other children smell or notice the nappy. The school have had multiple meetings with me regarding his needs and his continence issues. I spoke the school on his first day yesterday to make sure the reception teachers were aware he needs his nappy changed and support around toileting and they assured me this is fine. They also have clinic letters from paediatricians and the continence team outlining that my son will need regular toilet breaks and support around toileting and changing.

I try everything at home to encourage toileting. But toileting issues have been his whole life. We've tried everything and I mean, everything. To the point where no more reward charts, sensory toys, or bribery will encourage him and it's just a waiting game for it to be on his terms but in the process I don't want him facing difficulties at school for this and personal hygiene issues.

You'd think second day in they'd be on the ball as well and I'm just worried this is the start of problems to come.

My son is in year 2 and one of his peers is in nappies and has similar sounding challenges.

The school are able to accommodate him and although there are challenges he is very much including, involved and part of the class.

He has an EHCP and one-to-one support. He is changed each time he soils himself even if that requires multiple changes in a day.

I think the school has acted very poorly. They need a plan in place for who will change him at different points in the day and who will change him if he needs an additional change. However, children are usually kept off school when on a high dose of laxatives. Even is he had a 1:1 care assistant, school is not the right place if he's needing half hourly changes.

It is illegal to refuse a child a place because of toiletting issues. If schools are doing this they will be breaking every access and equalities legislation in the book.

I think YABU to be both angry at the school, and to think that a mainstream school would be able to cater to his needs. The school made it clear beforehand that he would not be getting 1:1 support. I think you should have realised that this was not the right educational setting for your child.

If he was born after April, you could take him out of school and defer him a year, whilst you look for a more appropriate setting for him. Or you could research into home educating him, then you'll be able to look after him yourself and know that he's being properly cared for.

It's a difficult situation to be in, I appreciate that. Most mainstream schools are just not able to dedicate as much care to SEN as required.

He really needs an EHCP and one should really have been applied for before he started school because by the sounds of it the school, is not be equipped to support his needs.

Don’t deregister and home educate. It is easier (although not easy) to get the necessary support when on a school’s roll. Crudely, you are someone’s problem. Whereas it is easier for the LA and some professionals to sweep DC’s needs under the carpet if you EHE.

Op I'm sorry this has happened.
Gently, I am very surprised he's in a mainstream school, purely because I can't fathom who would have the time to attend to his needs in mainstream schools.
It isn't a teachers job to regularly change nappies.
Of course no teacher - no adult - should let any child sit in poo or wee, but in a class of 30, I think it's unfair on all the other kids to expect the teacher or TA to give that much time to an individual child.
I hope you get it sorted.

It is right for you to expect your child’s nappy to have been changed, but I think you are asking too much expecting them to tell you little things like ‘he didn’t want to take his jumper off’.

If your son was reluctant to take off his jumper I wonder if he was reluctant to have his nappy changed as well? That would explain why they didn’t do it because they can’t force him.

Some children are on high dose laxatives for years and so not going to school soiling isn't a possibility unfortunately

But then they should have phoned home for Mum to come not left him

It sounds like there have been some massive crossed wires about how much support he needs. In the first instance I would speak to he SENCO and see what plans can be made.

The school isn't the right place for him, but it's not their fault you picked it instead of somewhere appropriate for his needs.

Of course mainstream primary teachers can't change nappies and contact all parents who ask them to just for updates. They're teaching the whole class.

This makes me so sad. Far too many children are in the wrong setting. It’s awful for all concerned, not least the reception teacher and LSA who just haven’t got capacity to meet the needs of their class. Absolutely horrific. More special school places are desperately needed.

OP- I echo what everyone has said re: NOT going in guns a blazing. Just calmly meet with the SENCO and say that they said they could meet his needs when evidently they can’t, and what you and they should do to solve the problem. And apply again for an EHCP, without which he won’t get the level of support he needs.

What place is appropriate and how do you pick it?

A child needing nappies does not mean mainstream isn't suitable. It does mean he needs extra help and it sounds like you should be requesting an EHC needs assessment pretty sharpish

Exactly. He needs additional support. If he can't get it there then he needs to change schools. Of course he shouldn't have been left but it's not the teachers job to be changing nappies so a plan needs to be put in place.

The problem is, is the school don't have funding for him then they won't be able to have the extra adult to support with toileting. You can request a meeting with the sendco every so often to find out about how he is getting on with his speech. But until something is diagnosed and the LA agree he needs funding then really he is just another child in the class. There is not enough members of staff to solely focus on your child. That's the sad truth. It does sound like he has complex needs and I think a meeting with the sendco immediately is needed. Good luck.

You need to come over to the special needs boards.

You absolutely need to see the sendco as a priority. They can support pushing for assessment. They will likely do some rounds of APDR - assess, plan, do, review to work out what your son's needs are.

Yanbu. But I I suspect the school did not really understand the breadth of your son's needs. Rather than go in all guns blazing, go in with the view that you know your son needs help and you want to work with the school to ensure he can access education at a level which suits him.

This thread is an eye-opener about the general level of knowledge of inclusion and SEND, and I do wonder where some of you think all these marvellous special school places for Reception age children are. It is common for children with moderate and even severe additional needs to be in mainstream schools, albeit with support. We were very lucky to have the support of an excellent preschool with a tenacious SENCO and my DC has had an EHCP since he was three and without a diagnosis but this is very unusual.

Op

For tomorrow I think you should prioritise his toileting plan. That needs to be sorted urgently. I know that teachers don't have time to be in and out changing kids multiple times a day but that is not really the ops problem. She was honest about his needs and they assured her they could meet them, now they need to step up and meet them. I'd keep his jumper at home until this heat goes away and for the moment I'd stick with a packed lunch. The poor thing has so much change at the moment. His lunch foods should be familiar and ones you know he will eat.
Baby steps op. You will absolutely get him the support he needs it might just take a little longer that you would like.

How was she supposed to chose a special school when the LA refused to assess for an ehcp.

The op was honest about his needs. She was assured by the school that they could meet his needs

Where do posters think children with additional needs go? They have to go to a mainstream school unless they have an EHCP and can somehow fight for and get a place in a special school (of which there aren’t enough and the needs have to be so severe).

There is no magical other place. It’s a local
school you can find a place in. That’s it. It’s that or home school.

Don't put him in a jumper when it's hot. Also, for when it is cooler, might be an idea to put him in a school cardigan, so it's easier to take on and off if the classroom does heat up. I've seen boys wearing them these days.