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South Asian Mumsnetters

This board exists primarily for the use of South Asian Mumsnetters. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful.

Married since 18 and I’m 33 now. Husband given me STI and gonnareah

192 replies

Mummaoftwoo · 21/08/2024 23:23

My heart is broken. I never thought he would do this. I don’t know how to confront him. I only got myself tested as he had penile discharge which we thought was UTI. But something in my heart said he did me dirty and he has. I have two kids. I’m so lonely. Family don’t know yet

OP posts:
Mummaoftwoo · 23/08/2024 08:22

He hasn’t gone away. He is always home every night by half 10/11. He’s never gone away in fact.

i truly believe he cheated on me with a prosi and that’s fine. This shit is not accidental.

his lying now making up with stories to keep me. And usually I do have such a forgiving heart but this I can’t forgive.

he needs gone and all I know is he cheated on me and my children.

its just come at a time I feel so alone. We had bearevment in the family on Monday. I got my results Tuesday. I’ve not spoken to anyone but on here. I’ve never used mumsnet. But you all who send facts and encouraging replies have kept me going. Thank you 🥹

OP posts:
Mummaoftwoo · 23/08/2024 08:34

Feel free to private message me. I’ve got work soon so slow replies. I’ve literally gone silent. I can’t bring myself to talk to him about it. We only had those chats on what’s app that I’ve told you about

OP posts:
Mummaoftwoo · 23/08/2024 16:44

Something seriously wrong with him.

his what’s apping me asking if I’m ok what am I up to? Why is he acting normal.

OP posts:
HolyPeaches · 23/08/2024 17:07

Mummaoftwoo · 23/08/2024 16:44

Something seriously wrong with him.

his what’s apping me asking if I’m ok what am I up to? Why is he acting normal.

I think this is a control tactic. He’s acting normally with you in the hopes that you act normal with him and is hoping you sweep it under the carpet.

What a wasteman!! Honestly you deserve so much better.

Hope you are able to get a GP apt soon and get some treatment asap.

HazelPlayer · 23/08/2024 17:44

Mummaoftwoo · 23/08/2024 16:44

Something seriously wrong with him.

his what’s apping me asking if I’m ok what am I up to? Why is he acting normal.

He's probably trying to suss out what you're thinking and what you're going to do next.

If you were shouting at him being upset and telling him you're moving out, or saying you'll tell everyone etc. he could try to argue & promise things and maybe prep his family with lies before they hear about it.
You're not giving him those opportunities.

He's also trying to act normal and get you to go along with it so the whole thing is swept under the carpet and moved on from.

Anyway, he sounds like he "works" long hours til late most nights.

Given how many STDs he's infected with, I would imagine not all that time is actually work.

Lostworlds · 23/08/2024 19:27

I think he’s acting normal in the hope that you can forget it and move on.
He’s not realising the pain he’s put you through. It feels like he wants you to believe it wasn’t his fault and he was someone talked into it.

When you’re ready, please reach out to someone in real life. I know it’s hard and it makes it all real but it will be good to get the support .

HazelPlayer · 23/08/2024 19:51

He’s not realising the pain he’s put you through

It's not even just emotional pain though, is it?

If the op hadn't found out she had clamydia (which can have mild to no symptoms), she could have developed pelvic inflammatory disease and even been caused infertility.

If she'd been pregnant at the time of infection with any std, thar could raise the chance of miscarriage and even fetal abnormalities.

If he's had unprotected or even protected sex with women (or men) who've given him clamydia & gonorrehea; he's just as likely to get infected with and passing on hpv; thereby raising the chances of op getting a high risk strain of hpv, and therefore raising the risk of cervical abnormalities.

I just hope the op got the HPV vaccine. And I hope she has regular smear/HPV tests

He's a walking, talking health risk. ... As well as a cheater.

I'm sure he could imagine op's pain very well indeed if he found out she cheated on him. He knew she never would though, while he did what he liked behind her back. Double standards galore.

Anyway, does he really not understand her pain or does he want it all just to blow over and go away, for his convenience?

He's hoping she's too invested with the long marriage and kids, esp in their culture, that she'll stay. He thinks that by acting like it's nothing/minimal and acting normal he can make her go along with it.

This is a guy who seriously thought he could tell his wife he got clamydia from cups and cigarettes at work.
He's an idiot who's projecting his idiocy onto his wife.

(And personally I don't think he got those stds from a blow job, and it's highly unlikely he'd get them from sex with a condom; so he's such an idiot he shags around without condoms and is a walking std factory).

Mummaoftwoo · 24/08/2024 00:22

I just feel so numb. I literally have cried once since I found out. It’s like I’m not angry or sad. All I know is I don’t want to see or speak to him.

why do I feel like this?

OP posts:
Lalgarh · 24/08/2024 01:03

Mummaoftwoo · 24/08/2024 00:22

I just feel so numb. I literally have cried once since I found out. It’s like I’m not angry or sad. All I know is I don’t want to see or speak to him.

why do I feel like this?

Hi OP.

The numbness I guess is shock. I think it's protective but I'm not sure. Try to get some sleep if you can

dwArty · 24/08/2024 08:16

I know you've said you're sure it was a sex worker but there must be very few that don't insist on protection especially someone who's also a massage therapist ie not someone high on the street

Mummaoftwoo · 24/08/2024 09:19

dwArty · 24/08/2024 08:16

I know you've said you're sure it was a sex worker but there must be very few that don't insist on protection especially someone who's also a massage therapist ie not someone high on the street

What do you mean?

OP posts:
Mummaoftwoo · 24/08/2024 09:20

His story is “I went for a massage ages ago and it was a European lady in a house. When she massaged my front she started to rub my dick and give me BJ. I didn't say anything cause i was embarrassed. But I think that's where it must have come from”

OP posts:
OhBeAFineGuyKissMe · 24/08/2024 09:21

You have been through a lot. A bereavement quickly followed by finding out you have STDs and that your husband has been cheating.

It is not surprising you are in shock. It is too much to process all in one go.

Please talk to someone in real life. For 2 reasons 1) you need a hug and support 2) get the truth out before he gets out a story (he could easily say he got the STD from you especially if he speak to someone first).

Do you have a sister/cousin/ friend you could confide in?

CowTown · 24/08/2024 09:49

Mummaoftwoo · 24/08/2024 09:20

His story is “I went for a massage ages ago and it was a European lady in a house. When she massaged my front she started to rub my dick and give me BJ. I didn't say anything cause i was embarrassed. But I think that's where it must have come from”

What happened to the cup/cigarette?

BowlOfNoodles · 24/08/2024 09:50

Beg ya pardon 🤯 what's the bet he accuses you of giving it to him!

Mummaoftwoo · 24/08/2024 17:47

I’ve not heard from him today. He tried for 2 days and nothing 🤣 what a loser.

OP posts:
Lalgarh · 24/08/2024 17:52

If he hasn't already, he needs to be getting treatment for his STIs as of course do you

Mummaoftwoo · 24/08/2024 19:17

I have been given doxycycline

OP posts:
Mummaoftwoo · 24/08/2024 19:18

7 day treatment

OP posts:
HazelPlayer · 24/08/2024 23:19

Mummaoftwoo · 24/08/2024 00:22

I just feel so numb. I literally have cried once since I found out. It’s like I’m not angry or sad. All I know is I don’t want to see or speak to him.

why do I feel like this?

Shock, most likely.

HazelPlayer · 24/08/2024 23:20

Mummaoftwoo · 24/08/2024 19:17

I have been given doxycycline

That's good op.

I hope your smear/HPV test is up to date.

I know you're trying to get a full screening appointment too.

HazelPlayer · 24/08/2024 23:34

Mummaoftwoo · 24/08/2024 09:20

His story is “I went for a massage ages ago and it was a European lady in a house. When she massaged my front she started to rub my dick and give me BJ. I didn't say anything cause i was embarrassed. But I think that's where it must have come from”

I doubt it was ages ago.

He"d likely get symptoms not that long after infection.

And how exactly did he book an appointment with this home masseur who forces blow jobs on her clients?

He went online and looked for a legitimate masseur, and went to her house; but somehow got one who whipped off the towel and modesty underwear that all legitimate masseurs give you and gave him a blow job, for free, with no discussion or agreement??

He didn't book a masseur, he booked a prostitute who starts with a massage ...and you don't book someone like that accidentally.

They don't advertise themselves like a normal masseur. They would only be on sex work sites, and they'd make it clear they offer sexual services.

Also he booked this without mentioning a word about it to you? (Even before-hand).

I didn't say anything cause i was embarrassed.

Didn't say anything to you about it?

But how come he didn't say anything to her or stop her when she started giving him this unexpected, unwanted blow job? .... With him being a married man with kids, who didn't go looking for sexual services and didn't want them??

Embarrassed? You would be shocked and outraged and bemused. At one end of the spectrum, some people might find it funny. At the other, some would consider it sexual assault).
So you had a supposedly legit masseur start doing a sex act on you without agreement of discussion; but you wouldn't mention a word of it to your spouse of decades?
Bull fucking shit.

Plus it had to be quite prolonged to get two STDs from it (in fact it's not very likely he got them from receiving oral sex at all. More likely to be penetrative sex).

HazelPlayer · 24/08/2024 23:42

But I think that's where it must have come from

Ah so he totally forgot about the massage blow job when he said they must have come from his colleagues cups and cigarettes.

Or he was just too embarrassed to talk about the massage blow job that was sprung on him. But became miraculously able to talk about it when you wouldn't believe the cup & cigarette thing.

If he was shocked and embarrassed by it, how come he let it go on long enough to get two STDs?

Anyway, personally I would tell him you went to a gum/sexual health clinic and they told you a man cannot get those two STDs from oral sex done on him; only a woman can get them from doing oral.sex on a man. (Not strictly true but he might not be able to find stuff online clearly saying otherwise) and that you want an explanation this minute for how he got them.

Tell him you'll consider staying if he tells the truth (lie) but there is no chance for your marriage if he keeps lying.

I bet he'll change his story again.

Mummaoftwoo · 24/08/2024 23:51

Thank you babe. I need all this advice. I’m so lost. I hadn’t seen his face in days. And he hasn’t got in touch. Obviously he doesn’t care that much.

i fully well know my marriage is over.
in just want answers and the truth from him.

OP posts:
HazelPlayer · 24/08/2024 23:51

“I went for a massage ages ago..

Not likely.
This shows typical times for symptoms to appear.

Married since 18 and I’m 33 now. Husband given me STI and gonnareah