Married since 18 and I’m 33 now. Husband given me STI and gonnareah

[Mummaoftwoo]

My heart is broken. I never thought he would do this. I don’t know how to confront him. I only got myself tested as he had penile discharge which we thought was UTI. But something in my heart said he did me dirty and he has. I have two kids. I’m so lonely. Family don’t know yet

That's all really good.

It's heart breaking for you but a man who could do this .. is not a good man or husband.

I'd worry he'll keep on doing it and he could infect you with worse diseases (things that can't be cured with a course of antibiotics) in future.

(Also if you wanted another child or fell pregnant, it's a risk for miscarriage, still birth and abnormalities .. if you were to get another std from him during the pregnancy).

I would seriously doubt he's used condoms - to be infected with two STDs.
So he's stupid and risk taking and irresponsible... As well as having no morals, cheating on his wife & kids mother.

This is bad enough even if he doesn't infect you with something worse in future, or affect an unborn child.

You can't pass on clamydia or gonorrehea through kissing. They can only be passed on through sex (and less usually oral sex). There has to be genital to genital contact, or mouth to genital contact.

He can't have got them from sharing cups or cigarettes. He's lying.
He knows he got them from sex

Gonorrehea and clamydia are both treatable with antibiotics.

Anyone saying gonorrehea is worse is maybe just saying the symptoms are usually worse. Whereas clamydia can have mild symptoms and sometimes even no symptoms.

In terms of how long he could have had them (or you after he infected you); it's possible you could have had clamydia without clear symptoms for any amount of time.
It's less possible with gonorrehea, I think - I think it would be more likely to show symptoms.

(I insisted on an std screening for both the partners I've had regular sex without condoms with) and one of them was told after screening that he had clamydia. He had no symptoms).

OP. For now think only of yourself. Go to the STI clinic, get all the tests, including HIV. Follow all the treatments to the letter. Ask all your questions there, in a calm atmosphere. Write what you want to ask, I’m sure they will give you written information too.
Ask about any risk to your children , personally I think there is none ( I’m not a medic though) and it will put your mind at rest to hear it from a professional.

Either he leaves or you do with your children. There is no coming back from this and none of this is on you. It is 100% your husband’s fault for 1) cheating on you and 2) exposing you to health risks.

I would recommend the following;

I take it you've been given the antibiotics for clamydia and gonorrehea?

Don't touch him again without a condom. Don't give him oral sex without a condom or at all.
Don't let him give you oral sex (if he does that).
Better still, don't touch him again, full stop.

Have you had the HPV vaccine?

Maybe you got it at school if you went to school in the UK?

If you haven't had it, get it
It's available up to 45 on the NHS, I think.

Are you attending your smear/HPV tests? When was your last one?
That is important with a husband like this who's infecting you with STDs. He could infect you with a high risk strain of HPV that means you need to get HPV tests/smears done regularly.

I would also go to a sexual health/gum clinic and get a full screening done. (If you haven't already).

I think you would be better separating from him and divorcing him.

How can you have a full relationship with someone you can't touch without condoms ... And some STDs can even get around condoms (like HPV and genital herpes).

Also the betrayal is major. He's immoral.

I know I don’t need more evidence but would be nice if I just knew so he can’t deny it

He can deny it all he likes.

You haven't had sex with anyone else so you know he did.

He didn't get clamydia and gonorrehea without having sex.

He can deny that til the cows come home but it's a fact.
He's just a liar.

This is not uncommon.

Are you old enough to remember Bull Clinton standing in front of American Congress, with millions of people watching on TV, and his speech recorded essentially forever .... Saying "I did not have sex with that woman!!"?

He was lying.

Some people never ever admit the truth.

Your husband is hardly a well adjusted man if he's had unprotected sex with people he's cheating with ..... That's beyond stupid.
And I find it pretty much impossible believe he used condoms and still got clamydia and gonorrehea.

You may never get other evidence.
The evidence is that you have two STDs and haven't had sex with anyone other than him.

Why waste your life and be stuck trying to get more evidence .... You may never get it.

And he may never ever admit it. He doesn't want his family to know.
If he admits it to you, they'll probably find out.
Everyone will know his marriage ended because he cheated on his wife and infected her with STDs.

Do you think he wants that known??

He'll never admit it!

If he doesn't admit it, he'll always be able to blame other things and make up excuses for why his marriage broke down.

Who wants to be known as the dirty skank who cheated and infected their spouse with STDs??
No-one.

Not even in "Western" culture, let alone South Asian.

(There are women on here who only had their ex husband's infidelity confirmed years later, by accident.
Women who thought their husbands met their next partner after they left them, but found out years later they were involved while married to her.
Sometimes it comes out years later, sometimes it never does).

Sorry, just a correction.

I think the HPV vaccine is available up to 45 privately. I'm not sure about on the NHS. They may give it if you didn't get it at school but I'm not sure about the age limit.

Also, in terms of further evidence....
Your h knows you now know he has STDs and he infected you with them.
He knows you are not swallowing the shared cups and cigarettes story.

Even with him thinking you are naive & gullible (which he clearly does) .. he's bound to know you now suspect him of having sex with other people and will be searching for any evidence.

So he's going to have deleted any evidence.

He's clearly desperate not to get proven a cheater, because he knows that will probably get back to his family (at best) and will possibly end up with him being divorced. He has every possible reason to get rid of any evidence and to keep lying.

In his best case scenario you'll stay in the marriage and it will blow over and no-one will know.
In his "worst" case scenario, you'll divorce him but you'll have no "solid" proof he cheated, he can make up stories if you ever tell anyone about the STDs (that he got it from some non sexual route ... That's impossible with those two STDs but maybe he thinks people will be naive, or he'll accuse you of getting them and infecting him) .... and he can spin stories about why the marriage broke down.

He has absolutely no reason to be honest.
He has every reason to get rid of any evidence of cheating.

As others have said, there's no guarantee he's even only cheated with women. If that's the case, he doubly wants to hide everything from his family/community and keep it hidden.

To be fair, it makes sense that you'd say this because you have it as you say. You're being understandably defensive.

To most people though, Herpes and the rest of the infections/diseases are 'Ew just ew' - and rightly so. It is no judgement on those who got it accidentally or under circumstances beyond their control.

I can understand why OP is probably wanting proof that he can't deny because while she knows she didn't and he did, she can't prove that to their family. He could simply stand on the defence that it's her not him and without concrete proof, it's one's word against the other in the court of close family.

Family may even turn on OP as the guilty one if he convincingly lies through his teeth and pretends to be angry at a 'cheating wife' who's caught STI.

You know what, I’d wait until you’re sorted before you go for him. He’s given you the gift of time, he probably arrogantly thinks that there’s nothing wrong. I’d plan your exit, get all your ducks in a row and when you’re ready go for him then. Not whilst you’re emotional and vulnerable, make sure you get copies of all bank accounts, relevant paperwork, be smart about it.

I could say the same about people with eczema, psoriasis, any other condition that produces visible skin sores. But I dont, because it's not "ew" it's just what happens to some people. I get an occasional red bump equivalent of a shaving cut or ingrown hair. Your lack of education and ignorance are showing.

Oh come of it. It's not just about the sores but about how they're gotten in the first place and the fact that these are contagious. STI are hardly in the same category as skin conditions especially those that aren't contagious. I'm not sure who's showing ignorance and lack of education.

I hate to break it to you, but as I said earlier in the thread, you almost certainly have one of those infections that you think are 'ew'.

You have between a 1 in 10 chance and 1 in 5 chance of having genital Herpes (it may just never have showed symptoms or you may not have realised that's what it was).

And you almost definitely have HPV (more than an 80% chance you have contracted at least one strain). Especially if you didn't get the vaccine.

So stop being so judgemental and do some research before making these comments. 'Ew - and Rightly so' indeed eye roll

@BattyEyelashes you most certainly are being judgy. How people get it includes simple kissing. So I'll add ignorant to judgy.

To most people though, Herpes and the rest of the infections/diseases are 'Ew just ew' - and rightly

I think this is a very unfair comment. Obviously no one would want to live with any infection or disease, but to describe herpes as “ew just ew and rightly so” is highly offensive and childish. No one chooses to catch it. It’s unfortunate, and definitely shouldn’t be labelled with a dirty stigma such as “ew”.

How old are we, 5?

Ghonnera can stay undetected in women for ages maybe years.. it can also travel and give you Pelvic inflammatory disease.
I hope you have been treated and not slept with your husband again.
You need to speak to someone you can trust .
I don't know anything about Muslim and marriage and families.. but l know a lovely Muslim lady l met in hospital ( next bed to me) divorced her husband for cheating.
I do hope someone can help you.
Good luck x

@BattyEyelashes but… it’s almost ALWAYS accidental. Who would go out of their way to seek out somebody with herpes and think “yes, I must try and catch it”.

Who are you implying “deserves” to get it, by NOT being accidental or it somehow is in their control?

Wont repeat myself, all details upthread and also stated by the other PPs with common sense such as @Fluffyelephant who’s also here with the facts.

Not defensive because we have it and are “offended”. Just facts.

A lot of people would be very shocked if they went down that particular rabbit hole and got themselves checked for absolutely everything.
Ignorance is bliss as they say

Thought it was 25 on nhs. Op were you previously swabbed when you were pregnant with dc, tested for likes of hiv? Maybe ask the clinic for further testing just in case. Seek support from the clinic and any support lines they suggested. He has been unfaithful, likely more than once, and is blasé about any consequences for you or your family. You don't need further evidence and of he turns it round or lies he is abusive.

Oh believe me his getting more than criticism and I come on here to get some advice and tips. If you got nothing else to say? Get of my post thanks

This thread is about OP's problems. I'd rather stick to it and not go back and forth derailing. Besides I'm not the original poster who said ew but that's by the way.

Anyway, judging by OP's reaction to my post (re needing proof) , it seems I'm on the right track with why you want proof. OP, I'd advise you be careful trying to look through his phone because some men can become really violent especially when it means exposing their sordid deeds to family members. It's better you start confiding in family members early enough so you're not the one who has to suddenly start defending yourself when he's had time to work up more stories. You can work out solutions for proof with them instead and they can see it all for themselves.

Hi everyone thank you so much for your replies and I have read them.

just to make it clear I know fully well his wrong. I do not blame the other person/people at all.

I am just trying to gather facts in my own head. At the end of the day it is easier said than done.

our families are currently going through a bearvment. I haven’t told a soul. As for him this is how it went.

Tuesday I got text from my gp to contact regarding test result. I said to him I need to contact them he said it’s nothing, I called the doctors he then text me saying what did the doctors say I didn’t reply, I haven’t spoken to him since Tuesday. I just can’t bring myself to say anything to him. He then text me yesterday asking me where to take my children so I replied he then couple of hours later text me what are you up to again no reply. I just feel so numb. I cried once. I’m not even fuming.

all I know is he has cheated with a person on me and my children. He broke this family. I didn’t.

i just don’t know what I feel. And just so you all know. I work 9-5 and his got 2 businesses. He works like 10am-10.30 11. I don’t have to see his face.

but this morning he was at home and didn’t leave til 12 and I’m working from home. He came to speak to me twice I gave him a look the first time he walked away then the second time I said go away he then went and left me alone and then left to go work. Guild is written all over his face. But his so arrogant he will never admit it and act like it’s fine. His always been a man of few words. So there’s no talking to him.

im still trying to navigate life and see what I will do but I do know I will leave him.

I have a daughter and need to set an example to her not to take from no one.

Have you got yourself checked out please? Medically?

So do you have a plan for next steps, OP? I do hope you can get yourself sorted out, healthy and then decide what you need to do for yourself and your children 💐

Thank you my lovelies, I have an appointment coming up. And will have a full screening.

So he messaged me saying I went for a massage ages ago and it was a European lady in a house. When she massaged my front she started to rub my dick and give me BJ. I didn't say anything cause i was embarrassed. But I think that's where it must have come from.

I don’t know if I should laugh or cry.

why do I feel nothing

APPARENTLY IT WAS JUST A BJ

Riiiight…..because all he wanted was a bog standard massage, but this predatory masseuse couldn’t wait to pull down his pants and suck his dick. He had no control—she was overcome with a ravenous urge and he was merely a victim of sexual assault. We should feel sorry for him, after all, he’s a victim.