Im doing controlled crying and its killing me hearing my baby crying

[ellideb]

Please give me some words of support to carry it through as I would feel cruel to pick him up now after leaving him for 25mins

clemette please give me references for this research so that I can make my own mind up. And I mean proper scientific references to back up all this stuff about long-term neurological damage, not a newspaper article. Just because someone has an article published in the Times does not make it 'research'. Or true.

The only paper citing any research that is linked to previously is the one from the Australian Association for Infant Mental Health Inc, which does actually state:

'The list below is not specifically for studies on the impact of controlled crying on infants because there are no records of such studies. The list has sources of general background information related to sleep and to understanding children and stress.'

Too much salt is well known to be fatal. Smoking is well known to cause fatal diseases. Frankly I think it's disgusting that anyone would suggest (as has been alluded to above) that leaving a baby to cry for 25 minutes is tantamount to child abuse.

There are/have been/will be NO studies to back up any of the claims above regarding brain development and controlled crying. People should not state information that is merely speculative & hypothetical as fact.

Elli - hope you're feeling better today.

As others have said just forget last night - we've all done things as mothers that in hindsight we wished we hadn't done. However in my opinion its that reflecting afterwards and trying to do things differently in the future that makes you a good and better mother.

Hope you're getting some rest.

Thankyou to those of you who posted thoughtful, supportive, informative and sensitive posts last night, whether you agreed with me or not because it meant a lot. Last night was very difficult and I learned a lot from it with regards to trusting my instincts over a book and doing what comes naturally. Never again will I go against what feels wrong and as Lauriefairycae says I've got another 20years to fuck him up!

Well he slept in with me last night, cuddled up and BF as and when he wanted and you know what? It felt good and natural. I never want to go back there again and I can't tell you how relieved I was when he gave me a huge gummy grin and reached out to grab my face with his little sharp nails this morning. No damage done and he is the same gorgeous, smiley little boy as he was yesterday!

Fantastic.

Haven't posted before but read with interest as I tried CC with my first but co-slept with my second and boy, I know which one I preferred!

have read this thread with much interest and wanted to say a huge well done to ellideb for being brave enough to say what was going on, look for support, and decide to trust her instincts and chuck out that ridiculous book.

i hope you feel better today my dear lass, and enjoy your baby boy. He is still tiny, and you are his whole world, so make the most of it! (from mother of very mobile 2 year old!)

i never did cc or cio type stuff at all, i just let ds find his own routine and cuddled him to sleep every night. that closeness is very important i think, and its yummy!

I was put off those methods by a friend of mine who said:
ok, its 3am, you've woken up, alone, cold and in the dark. You are sad and tired and are crying, sobbing. You sense that your husband is in the next room, you can tell that he is awake and listening to you but he doesn't come. How does that make you feel? unloved, unwanted, not worthy of his time? And how do you feel towards your husband? Do you feel trust and love, or do you feel resentful, anxious, why doesn't he come to find out why i am crying? Doesn't he care?
Now change that scenario to it being your baby who is awake and imagine how they must feel, when they are so dependent on you."

I must say that has always stuck with me and i could never contemplate leaving ds to cry after that! One occasion with you popping in WILL NOT have done any harm, it is as others have said continually not responding to them that raises their stress levels and anxiety. Totally support you in trusting your instincts and nurture, cuddle and comfort your baby for as long as he needs it. That first year is so precious.

hey elliedeb i was writing my first post when you posted, am very glad to hear from you, sounding more positive this morning. It must have been hard to read some of the stuff on this thread, you are a great mum because you care so much.

There are/have been/will be NO studies to back up any of the claims above regarding brain development and controlled crying....

....because it is an ethically grey area to use real babies to do so going from what they already know about what is normal for infant sleep and how the human brain develops in the first year of life.

I think nearly everyone who has more than one child has occasionally left a baby to cry because of circumstances beyond their control whatever their views on sleep training (2 year old DD1 vomiting all over herself, her bed and me and then managing a repeat performance the second I got things under control when DD2 was only 2 months old is the incident that immediately springs to my mind!). I don't believe for one minute that occasionally leaving a baby will cause any lasting problems - if so every second or subsequent child would be damaged! Glad to hear you're sounding more positive this am., and sounds like people have offered you some good ideas to consider for the future.

thisisyesterday What I have issue with it that fact that the OP was looking for advice, support & encouragement, and from some received a tirade, stating that she was causing damage to her baby's developing brain. One post compared her situation to an NSPCC advert, implying that she was abusing her child.

I am not out to pooh-pooh everything (despite how it seems). I am not an advocate of controlled crying, and I would find it very hard to listen to my DD crying for that long. I do think that if you believe someone's actions may put a child at risk then you should say something. However, what you say should be based on information that is as robust and factual as possible. Some of the posts written last night use medical & scientific terms and sound like unqualified statements of fact. If what you say is based on suggested risk, then state that it is suggested risk, do not imply that it is medical or scientific fact. Especially if you are going to tell someone that their behaviour will impact on the brain development of their child, temporary or otherwise.

Some of these articles are written by people with medical qualifications, that doesn't make them infallible, any more than this post is infallible. I'm not saying that everything in the links should be written off, by any means (some of it is definitely food for thought), it's just you will find support for pretty much anything on the internet, and you have to be slightly discerning and critical in what you read.

You will, however, have to look far and wide to find a paediatrician who will endorse some of the articles on the Eva Lillian website, trust me

I see no reason why I should say that someone is right and offer her support if she is doing something which I believe to be wrong, and which, actually, she believed to be wrong herself. What the OP needed was "permission" to abandon the "programme" she had started. She got the support and encouragement she needed to do that, and did it - hugely to her credit. A good result all round.

actually i think her instincts were to follow the advice given by the book - and then she was ganged up on to be told she was doing something wrong.

she didn't initially think it was wrong, and frankly i don't think it was. she was checking the baby, FGS.

she did not come onto the site looking for permission to abandon the method.

now she is being congratulated for having seen the the light - no peer pressure though.

chandellina - that particular book advocated not checking on a child who had vomited. That's dangerous advice, and calls into question everything else the book says.

i am not familiar with the author but the methods are not his alone and are widely used, with success.

bottom line is some people can not bear to hear their children cry at all - others will tolerate it for a set period of time to help structure a child's sleep.

never the twain shall meet, it seems ...

Would be interested to hear your reply to dittany's question, chandellina.

you're right - she said that and we have to take it at face value. I don't know why she would have considered that method then.

Of course I don't agree with what I've heard here about that book, but has anyone here actually read it besides the OP?

i've read lots of books that have really stupid advice mixed in with some decent advice.

ok forget this guy, i have no idea who he is and he sounds awful.

my point is only that plenty of other "experts" advise controlled crying, and that it's not for everyone but does work for many people.

We can't "forget this guy". He wasn't advocating controlled crying, and it wasn't controlled crying that the OP was doing. He advocates an extreme version of CIO, including leaving a child lying it it's own vomit, and he terrifies parents by talking about the damage that cam be done to the developing brain by not sleeping. He also advocates his methods from 2 months of age, and suggests that very young babies manipulate their parents by crying.

OP I hope this has been a 'near miss' parenting learning thing...
We've all had them, tried something because we've read something or heard about x.....then we've trusted ourselves and realised that we're brilliant without books!