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Original poster

Im doing controlled crying and its killing me hearing my baby crying

208 replies

ellideb · 11/02/2009 19:00

Please give me some words of support to carry it through as I would feel cruel to pick him up now after leaving him for 25mins

OP posts:
popsycal · 11/02/2009 19:32

i hae the no cry sleep soklution by elizabweth pantley
wish i had found it 4 years ago

once ds3 is over his bronchiolitis i will start using the echniques again
can tell you more if you want when i put ds3 down andit doesnt take me 5 mins to type a sentence

dittany · 11/02/2009 19:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

moondog · 11/02/2009 19:33

5 months old?????

FFS

Of course it is killing you, because it is fucking child cruelty.

pooka · 11/02/2009 19:34

Fortunately, dittany

Was Claire Verity (quack)

Original poster
ellideb · 11/02/2009 19:34

I don't expect people to agree with me, even I don't agree with me tonight but its the comparisons to that awful advert and neglect that hurt. There was no need for that. He is the most loved little boy.

OP posts:
harpsichordcarrier · 11/02/2009 19:35

this book is vile and dangerous.
throw it in the bin.
I don't much like books that advise parents to leave children to cry till they vomit.
if that makes me a bitch, then so be it.
If you want advice, then there is plenty avaliable on here, and plenty of non-vile, non-dangerous, non-cruel books.

Monkeytrousers · 11/02/2009 19:35

Elli, you won't have damaged him. It's continually leaving very young babies to 'cry it out' that is potentially damaging. One, or even a few times, doing this will not damage him. Don't feel bad. This is about us as parents not getting into bad habits as well as trying to help our kids to the same

I have been there - we all have. Just trust yor instincts - that's what they are there for.

Habbibu · 11/02/2009 19:36

ellideb, we all do things which in hindsight aren't right, and it's easy sometimes to be suckered in by a book that sounds authoritative and confident when you're not sure what to do. You will do no harm by cuddling your baby to sleep, and if he's been pretty good at self-settling before, he'll get it again. He's maybe teething or unsettled for some reason right now.

fwiw, if dittany's quote above is accurate, I really would ditch that book - what's suggested there is dangerous.

Your son will be fine - have a cup of tea/glass of wine, put it behind you and scan MN for a plan that suits you and your wee one a bit better.

thisisyesterday · 11/02/2009 19:36

you're right, it is hard. really hard. esp when there are so many books and "experts" out there claiming to have the answers.

I think personally that none of them are a patch on good old mother's instinct.
you hated hearing him crying right? you're supposed to... it's natures way of making sure you go there and keep him safe.

he won't be damaged after one night of cc/cio, esp as he normally has such a lovely bedtime routine.
I agree with a previous poster though saying that when they are ill/overtired is an even worse time to try and kind of sleep training... it's usually when they need you most.

if he normally goes to bed pretty well then I would assume that any variation on that (like tonight) is because something is up, and all he needs is a bit of reassurance from you that it's all ok.

artichokes · 11/02/2009 19:36

The OP did actually say she was going in every few mins but everyone has ignored that and insisted this is CIO.

The way much of the "concern" here has been expressed comes across as people jumping up and down to say they are a better, more caring parent.

Why are mothers so judgemental of each other? We are almost all doing our best for those we love most in the world. It is fine to gently point someone in another direction but few posters on this thread have taken that generous and thoughful approach.

pooka · 11/02/2009 19:37

I think people are just concerned that in putting your trust in the author of that book, you are misplacing that trust, when really you should be trusting your own instincts (which were not to leave your ds).

Enough uses of the word trust there? Need a thesaurus.

bamboobutton · 11/02/2009 19:37

why don't you try cuddling him until he is in a deep sleep and then put him in his cot?

i still cuddle my 1yr old to sleep, takes 10 minutes and he sleeps most of the night through.

fattiemumma · 11/02/2009 19:37

the process of "sleep training" you are currently using is basicaly designed to cause the baby to cry until so exhausted it falls asleep.

it is very similar to one of t6he abuse adverts used by the NSPCC "miles knows no one will come to his cries"

Controlled crying is very different. (it's not a method i personally advocate) You return every few minutes, make no eye contact, resettle baby without speaking and leave again. the baby still cries itself to sleep but with the reasurrance of knowing you are nearby.

please do not continue with this method

thisisyesterday · 11/02/2009 19:38

and agree with suggestions of the no-cry sleep solution. we used it with ds2 when he was 9 or 10 months and it worked well.

popsycal · 11/02/2009 19:38

ellie - i am happy to go alomg with you followiong the no cry sleep solution techniques oncwe ds3 is well

boys are the same age - we could support each other???

Monkeytrousers · 11/02/2009 19:38

Moondog - its not child cruelty. We make mistakes sometimes. We help each other. Thats what MN is.

This is nothing like that advert and ffs those of you who want to make this woman feel that bad should be ashamed of yourselves. Now leave off and let the woman get the support she needs.

artichokes · 11/02/2009 19:39

It was one night Ellie. You won't have damaged him anymore than if you had got stuck in a traffic jam for 25 mins while he cried and you could not go to him.

It is probably worth reading some of the links here and thinking carefully about whether to carry on with this method, but don't beat yourself up over one night.

GColdtimer · 11/02/2009 19:42

ellideb, I think all people on here are saying is that there are other ways to help your baby to go to sleep and that there is some really strong evidence against the method outlined int he book you are using.

There is an awful lot of bad advice out there and there are other ways without resorting to crying it out. I can also recommend the no cry sleep solution for gentle, no crying methods.

Sheeta · 11/02/2009 19:44

I think it's very very cruel to leave a 5mo baby to cry for that long. It would feel like an eternity to them.

Not being bitchy, just speaking my mind.

Sorry, but why on earth do you feel the need to do this? Most babies of that age need some help to go to sleep.

Original poster
ellideb · 11/02/2009 19:45

Thankyou, I am in tears writing this I just want to pick him up and cuddle all those tears away but he's asleep now. I'm not going to do it again. It goes against my instincts you're right, I will trust them in future and I'm going to throw away that book. Thanks for your reassurences

OP posts:
Sheeta · 11/02/2009 19:46

You poor thing! Now I feel completely awful about my post.

You won't have done him any damage in one night, so don't worry. Everybody here has fantastic advice if you need it x

LoveMyGirls · 11/02/2009 19:47

Well done Ellie for being a big enough woman to come back and listen to the advice you've been given, we are all here to support you and help you, no one is perfect and anyone who pretends they are is lying, we all have times when being a mum is hard imo.

Habbibu · 11/02/2009 19:47

And that's why people should read threads... Ellie, tomorrow is another day. Give him a big cuddle when he wakes, and it'll all be forgotten.

popsycal · 11/02/2009 19:47

ellie
see my comment further down
we can start a no cry sleep solution support thread

LauriefairycakeeatsCupid · 11/02/2009 19:47

please, please don't beat yourself up for this, you have 20 more years to fuck him up

give yourself a hug