Please help Newborn baby - I can't go on with no sleep.

[Jennifer48]

I am posting because my mental health is taking a battering due to sleep deprivation since I gave birth to my beautiful baby on 26 January. I have slept just a few scattered hours since then. The nights are excruciating: the baby doesn't sleep at nights, he certainly doesn't settle in the cot and just howls if he isn't at my breast/stomach or on a pillow in front of me, and obviously I can't sleep in that position.
I am, after a shaky start, breastfeeding him, which I am glad about, but if me getting sleep entails moving on to formula, I will do it but I want to make sure it will definitely result in my getting sleep because that's what's breaking me. I manage to express some milk but giving it to him at night does has no impact on the situation at all. His nappies and weight gain are all good and he is back at his birth weight so he is getting sufficient nutrition from the breast, but won't sleep anywhere other than against my chest, stomach or on a pillow in front of me for longer than five minutes- and obviously I can't fall asleep in that position. I hear parents talk about getting three or four hours or sleep with envy; I literally have got none the past two nights and was almost delirious, I nearly fell with him in my arms last night (thankfully I didn't).
I've heard that's not unusual for a baby not to stay in the cot but I've also heard this phase could go on for weeks or months.. but I am at breaking point now- imagining things, feeling extremely low. There is no joy in this.

I disagree . . .

If I was you I would try to Cosleep safely first before introducing a bottle. I say that as someone who formula fed my first and breastfed my second so it absolutely does not come from judgment. My formula fed baby was on paper a “better” sleeper but it didn’t result in me being any less tired, it was just more getting up, making bottles, resettling etc. my second I EBF he woke up hourly but we co slept and I didn’t have to even sit up, I found I was much better rested. Look at cosleepy or the happy sleeper on instagram and of course the lullaby trust and try and set up safe cosleeping and give it a try. Once you get it down and are confident with it you barely have to do anything through the night. Try it for a few naps and ask your mum to sit in the room to watch you sleep with him if you’re nervous.

Another vote for co-sleeping.

please look at how to make yourself comfortable and safe with your baby in the bed

I'm sure you can 'train' your dm how to feed a baby using a bottle though I appreciate it has been a long time since she has done it. Perhaps in the day she could pop him in his pram and take him out for a couple of hours to give you a break. Also your local children's centre may be able to help you.
Dd1 had to swaddle her dd in the end as she just wanted contact naps and would jerk herself awake if she was put down. Good luck sleep deprivation would drive anyone crazy. When I had dd1 I used to wish the local hospital would take her back for one night a week so I could sleep!

Have you considered co-sleeping? Its very safe and an absolute game changer for a velcro baby! It is also how babies are designed to sleep - cuddled safely next to their mother! I think its Japan that its the norm to co-sleep and they have the lowest SIDs rates in the world just in case you're concerned about that. Do your research. I had one too that just wouldn't settle at all unless she was on me for the entire night!
Shes now 18mths old and had a cot bed next to my bed with an open side. She sleeps the majority of the time in her cot bed but still drifts into mine if she wants a cuddle or a feed. It's very normal for a vulnerable, tiny baby to want to feel its mum close by when it rests. I believe it was two idiot men that stated babies should sleep in a cot on their own in the late 1940s and set the staus quo for all future mothers to believe they were wrong if they didnt put their baby in a cot.

Please don’t advise anyone to let their baby sleep on a beanbag!!!! Madness.

@Jennifer48 are you single? My dd is a single mum to 3 so I spent the early weeks settling baby after his 8:9 pm feed and he’d sleep on me til midnight ish. I’d change the nappy and deliver him to mummy then go home to bed. Is there someone who could do this? Formula would be so much more work for you longer term…short term gain, long term loss and breast milk is really the best start for baby and you’re already doing so fab!!!

Deffo look at safe sleep guidelines… and cosleep .

Sleep deprivation is horrendous. I feel for you OP. I used to dread the night as I knew I would be awake all night

You need to express and teach your mum to give baby a bottle. Agree with another poster that your mum should take baby out for a walk in the pram for at least an hour so you can get some sleep during the day. Lots of babies sleep when being pushed in a pram. I used to have my baby sleeping in the pram as they hated the cot and moses basket. You can buy a rockit device for your pram. If you can get some sleep in the day time it will make the nights a little more bearable.

Also agree with introducing a dummy. I have never liked dummies but if it means you get some respite then needs must.

Good luck. It will get better. And congratulations on your beautiful baby.

I remember these days. It was so hard. I felt it would never end and ai could never cope.
At one point you will hit a turning point and you will be onto the next phase
I bottle fed both of mine, i tried so hard to breast feed but it didn't work out. They are healthy and happy and older now and I don't regret bottle feeding them.
I found with the bottle I could know how much milk they were drinking. Hungry babies wake up and cry more frequently. At least with a bottle you can monitor and know they have had enough.
We even got the tommy tippee milk despensor machine which was really good so if you go down that route then I recommend that.

@Jennifer48 Just seen your mum is older and doesn’t want to do late nights… figure out when his longer sleep window is and let her take him for that period and you could get several 2 hour naps across the day to set you up for broken nights- which will get better if you can cosleep… this doesn’t last forever but it’s hell at the time.

Don’t feel guilty about not breastfeeding. Fed is best. I had a DD however the boy babies in our group, even if breastfed, would have a full bottle of formula before bed. It helped them sleep longer stretches

My DD was formula fed for multiple reasons. We also had a perfect prep we kept upstairs next to the bedroom. It was a game changer. I’d pop the bottle on, change the nappy whilst it was being made, fed her and popped her back down

We ended up cosleeping and I would side feed so I could lie down while baby fed. Obviously depends on your boobs and willingness to cosleep... It's hard, really hard, even with a partner.

What's your financial situation? Can you pay for help? Or sleep in day while your mum watches baby.

I got by on four broken hours a night but by 8 months I started losing my mind.

By the way, in case you think co sleeping means co sleeping for ages (not that there is anything wrong with that if you enjoy it!) we started out co-sleeping, progressed to next to me cot within a few months and baby was sleeping in her own room in big cot by 9 months and actually won’t sleep next to me anymore (I attempted last week when she was sick and she was like wtf get me back to my own room please 🤣).

My Dc was exactly the same, wouldn’t be put down, and I am also single. I co slept as it was the only way I could get any sleep. I had also been against dummies (and worried that if I used one it would affect breast feeding) but tried it one night when I was really struggling and he calmed straight away. It also didn’t stop the breast feeding.

He did sleep in the pram so I would have a relative take him for a long walk straight after a feed so I could get an hours sleep then.

another tip I used which sometimes helped was to do the last feed before bed with the Moses basket mattress on my lap under him so he would fall asleep on there and it would be warm. When he was properly asleep I could then move him and the mattress into the Moses basket and there would be no temperature change to wake him up.

It was a very difficult time but I promise it doesn’t last too long.

My first was an awful sleeper (but she had dairy intolerance and reflux. There might be a medical reason he is not settling. Feeding soothes them, even if it’s upsetting their tummies. I don’t think what you’re describing is normal. Baby should feed then sleep for a good stretch. At newborn they sleep easily and can be transferred normally quite easily. I try formula in case it’s that not full enough. Maybe try a amino acid formula in case he’s reacting to something in your milk (I’d buy online getting a prescription will be jumping through hoops, but if it works you could then ask for prescription. With my second I did hold her/let her sleep on me for the first couple of weeks…it just seemed the right thing to do, I propped myself with cushions in a way that it was safe. She only slept on her tummy, and I put her in next to me on tummy after that. The advice to sleep on their backs seems a bit bonkers to me as very few babies sleep comfortably like that & I don’t think the research supports it.

Save your sanity by co-sleeping - it is safer to do this than running on empty for weeks/months/years and potentially falling asleep in a chair or in bed with baby accidentally and not in a safe position. Health workers put the fear of God in me about co-sleeping with my first baby and I battled through 2 horrendously sleep deprived years which probably shaved years off my life expectancy 😫 Second time around I had a good sleeper until 4-5 months when he suddenly started objecting to going down alone, in desperation I researched safe co-sleeping and never looked back. Good luck 👨‍🍼

https://www.lullabytrust.org.uk/baby-safety/safer-sleep-information/co-sleeping/

Once you start though, its so lovely and magical that you won't want to give it up! I absolutely love feeling my babies tiny little feet and hands pressed up against my skin and when she snuggles into my neck, I want it to last forever 🥰🥰

Another co-sleeper here. Just take every safety precaution you can think of which may mean no pillow for you, light blanket over you and another over your baby. In my experience you always remain aware of your baby - it’s not like you’re sinking into a deep deep sleep. My three all co-slept till they went in their own beds and grew into happy healthy adults. Side car cots weren’t available then - could be worth looking at now?

@Jennifer48

Co-sleeping safely saved my sanity. The lullaby trust explain how to do it safely. Better to set yourself up well than risk falling asleep with baby in an unsafe position.

Also dont agree with formula comments-didnt help me at all with any of my kids.

I don't know what others here will think about this, but have you considered having him investigated for acid reflux? My DS1 (now a lovely grown man) seemed, in retrospect, to have cried for 10 months non-stop, except when he was breastfeeding or upright. Before he could sit up by himself I devised a complicated harness to hold him upright in his pram, but I usually took him for walks in a carrier on my chest; he had to face outwards, or he would scream. I would walk for four, five hours because it was the only time he wasn't crying. I have never been so fit.

There were times when I hated him (although I always loved him too) for making our lives so hard. However, when he was ten months old he stood up by himself and three weeks later he was walking, and the screaming stopped.

It was only many years later that someone suggested to me that the problem could have been GED/acid reflux, and that he was in a lot of pain that was relieved by being upright. I feel so bad about it now.

I'll get criticised for saying it, but look up how to safely cosleep and give it a try. Alternatively look at doing a sidecar cot - so you take one side off a cot, make sure it's level with your bed and strap it to your bedframe. I did this as my mattress was quite soft and I felt nervous to cosleep in my bed. I recommend joining the Facebook group called biologically normal infant and toddler sleep for more advice on this. This is what I did with both of mine, currently with my 6 month old. Practice breastfeeding in the side lying position, so then you can sleep next to your baby, feed on your side when they wake, go back to sleep. You don't even have to get up.

I saw someone say they had a nice comfy recliner chair they would doze in, PLEASE don't do that. It is far more safe to cosleeping following the safe sleep 7 guidelines than it is to accidentally fall asleep in an armchair, sofa etc. The danger from your lack of sleep far outweighs any risk of cosleeping, which if you follow safe sleep 7 is minimal.

I would be cautious about switching to formula. There's no guarantee your baby will sleep longer and they'll lose all the benefits of breastfeeding. It may work for some wakes if baby is waking up from hunger, but baby could be waking up for plenty of other reasons which are nothing to do with whether they've had formula or breastmilk!

Ultimately the little baby was literally inside you just a few weeks ago, and they crave closeness. With both of mine, sidecar crib, breastfeeding to sleep on my side, do this all night and even for naps so you get more sleep and follow safe sleep 7 to do it safely. You will be fine, this will pass.

I had to co sleep for this reason as I fell asleep with my baby on my chest and it terrified me.
Move all blankets and pillows and form a c shape around your baby, only have the duvet to your waist. When baby wake you can breastfeed. Its the only way I got any sleep, wishing you the best! It's a hard time

I wouldn’t switch to formula or give a formula feed if the only reason is to get a stretch of sleep because there’s no guarantee it will help and may affect your supply.
If baby is using to soothe rather then drink I personally introduced a dummy once BF was established because my youngest did the same.
My sister used to swaddle hers and that worked really well as my niece still felt held and I remember a nurse on SCBU swaddling my eldest because he only settled when being snuggled.
If funds allow would a mothers/doula help you get some sleep, the early days are so tiring, sending hugs!

Please don't tell anyone to sleep their newborn on a bean bag its so dangerous!

I started co-sleeping at this point! It was the only way to get sleep. And also nap when baby naps in the daytimes.It will get easier!
I highly recommend reading the book “Three In A Bed” - about how normal it is to co-sleep worldwide

Huh? Why did the boy babies need more than the girls?