Please help Newborn baby - I can't go on with no sleep.

[Jennifer48]

I am posting because my mental health is taking a battering due to sleep deprivation since I gave birth to my beautiful baby on 26 January. I have slept just a few scattered hours since then. The nights are excruciating: the baby doesn't sleep at nights, he certainly doesn't settle in the cot and just howls if he isn't at my breast/stomach or on a pillow in front of me, and obviously I can't sleep in that position.
I am, after a shaky start, breastfeeding him, which I am glad about, but if me getting sleep entails moving on to formula, I will do it but I want to make sure it will definitely result in my getting sleep because that's what's breaking me. I manage to express some milk but giving it to him at night does has no impact on the situation at all. His nappies and weight gain are all good and he is back at his birth weight so he is getting sufficient nutrition from the breast, but won't sleep anywhere other than against my chest, stomach or on a pillow in front of me for longer than five minutes- and obviously I can't fall asleep in that position. I hear parents talk about getting three or four hours or sleep with envy; I literally have got none the past two nights and was almost delirious, I nearly fell with him in my arms last night (thankfully I didn't).
I've heard that's not unusual for a baby not to stay in the cot but I've also heard this phase could go on for weeks or months.. but I am at breaking point now- imagining things, feeling extremely low. There is no joy in this.

Have you considered a cranial osteopath? Sounds more like your newbornnis uncomfortable so doesn't sleep apart from if held or slightly upright. Cranial osteopath might aid with this.

Co sleep

Safe co sleeping, UK has scared mothers into thinking it’s a death sentence for babies despite it being the norm in many countries. Done safely it will save your sanity. Babies are programmed to want to be next to their mothers, formula isn’t going to change that. Baby in a sleeping bag next to you in bed where he can’t fall out, with no pillows/covers/toys near him.

i feel your pain OP and remember this stage very well! It really does get easier so hang in there. I found one of these helped so much with co-sleeping as I just put it in the bed next to me obviously with no duvet over www.johnlewis.com/dockatot-deluxe-pristine-white-baby-pod-0-8-months/p5225715?s_ppc=2dx_mixed_fashion_BAU&tmad=c&tmcampid=2&gclsrc=aw.ds&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=20155423421&gbraid=0AAAAAD2el1xB4gA4oLrSaWeNTrGaUigAn&gclid=Cj0KCQiA4pvMBhDYARIsAGfgwvwRc1j4JFDh0DM9qkBP4oZ4gbO4yzDWfKbnnqetsvaoESrfhrNGFsYaAi5hEALw_wcB

Formula isn't a guarantee of more sleep but it is worth a try just on the off chance it does help a bit because your mental health absolutely matters too.

I'd also consider a dummy, swaddling and white noise if you haven't already.

Enlist some help from your partner, parents or whoever. Swaddling, next to me cribs, dummy if your baby likes to suck, white noise and tag team with someone else. The baby will eventually manage to sleep elsewhere but is only a few weeks old so early days. Sympathies though. Just try and get through with help.

She is helpful although she is in her 70s so she doesn't have the energy to stay up half the night, but she can help me

Can she help by letting you sleep during the day?

Another here who co-slept as that was the best way of getting some sleep. Vicki Iovine talks about this phase as the 4th trimester and i think that captures it all very well. Co-sleeping can be done safely and actually it’s very natural for your baby to want to be so close to you - he was inside you for 9 months, safe and warm with food on tap!

Also - are you sleeping during the day when your baby sleeps. Another Vicki Iovine classic for very early motherhood: “don’t stand if you can sit; don’t sit if you can lie down; don’t stay awake if you can lie down”. This is a really primal phase. Pare everything back. Only do what absolutely has to be done.

No it wasn’t!

OP was very polite in response to the post that has no relevance/help regarding her situation.

Your mum, or a friend, or a babysitter needs to take baby out for a long 2-3 hr walk / excursion every PM so you can sleep. Baby might cry but she’ll be fine. You won’t hear her. And you need to know it will happen regularly so you don’t lie there worrying about sleep.

Can your mum take over at 6am for a while every day. Take baby downstairs. You put ear plugs in (godsend) and sleep for a few hours.

if the baby isn’t sleeping at night when is she sleeping? I’m aware they wake a lot but they usually sleep mostly in between being awake / feeding.

OP it will get better. What worked for us at this stage was giving baby lots of opportunity to get used to a sleeping space, for us it was a really good carrycot/bassinet and seperate stand. He seemed to feel safer in this than his bedside crib, which can feel far too big for newborns at first. He spent most of the day time on me, contact napping and bf-ing, but I made sure he got chances throughout the day for the carrycot to become a familiar space. And of course it became his pram when out and about too.

I also combi-fed from day 1, I felt this gave us the best of both worlds- the comfort of him being full and satisfied from a bottle of formula, plus being able to share feeding with others, with the closeness and other benefits of breast. And my son was a great sleeper (until now at about 16 months!). Personally co-sleeping wasn't for me at this age, I couldn't relax as it felt far too risky when they're that tiny and fragile. Particularly when already sleep deprived.

I hope you this stage passes for you soon though.

Yes, in that regard she can help.

Thank you everyone for your answers which I'm working my way through gradually.

I've sent you a PM. :-)

Oh god that stage is so hard. I remember it well, and it was awful. My daughter was the exact same. Would sleep anywhere but on me. I ended up co-sleeping. I would let her sleep on my chest and then gently roll her to the side and sleep in the cuddle curl position. I was so against it but it saved me. When my second was born I tried her in the cot for about four seconds before giving up and co-sleeping. Lots of guidance online about safe practice. She also preferred the pram bassinet so I put that inside the crib for the first 3 months or so. It's hard, hang in there, it gets easier. But don't let anyone tell you it's not excruciatingly difficult!

PS. I didn't want to co-sleep as I was scared of bad habits. My first daughter was in her own bed all night by six months and my second by 10 months. It's not forever!

Sorry that should say: “don’t stay awake if you can sleep”.

Maybe your mum could take the baby out in the pram after a feed to get him off to sleep? Or a dummy if he is using your boob as a pacifier? Some babies take a while to settle after birth and if you are understandably stressed, anxious or tired he may be picking up on that. Getting your mum more confident with bottle feeding would help even if she was able to do an early evening feed while you go to bed for a few hours. It will get easier.

Have you tried a dummy, that saved my sanity in the early days.

First thing where is the father during the night? My husband and I took turns so we were each getting a full night's sleep several times a week.

We are lucky enough to have separate bedrooms but if you don't, could the person "on duty" sleep in the baby's room or living room?

Also, I bottle fed. With formula. A mum who is rested and pain free is worth far more than a few antibodies in a healthy full term neonate in my opinion.

A shattered mum whose mental and physical health and relationships are splintering isn't good for the baby, and if you are keen on breastfeeding you can still do it during the day.

Also is your baby sleeping at all during the day and could you get a nap in then?

My three were all sleeping through (5-6 hours plus) by about 5-8 weeks but none of them so much as blinked during the day.

I breast fed all my 3, it's absolutely exhausting. It would have been a while lot easier if I'd given bottles instead. You can't truly rest when you have a breast fed new born.
My first was the same as your baby, but I was too stubborn to try a bottle. Looking back, I wish I had.
If you're really that exhausted ask your mum to take the baby for a night with bottles. She may be 70, but I'm sure she can cope better with a night awake than you - who is recovering from birth and had literally no sleep for ages.
Sleep whenever you can. Do the bare minimum for everything and focus on you and your baby. It will get easier.
Take whatever help your mum is willing to give you.

She's a single parent. Reading comprehension isn't that hard.

It will get better, hang on there. Co-sleeping saved me my sanity, no lie. DS1 would not sleep anywhere but in my arms. I remember one night, crying because I just didn't know what to do. So DH just moved all pillows and put the cot up against the bed so there was no potential 'edge' to fall from. I wrapped a sheet around my lower half and made sure there was a good amount of space between DS and I, but I was still close to him. I don't know, DS just sensed I was there with him enough to relax. We both slept like kings that night. I don't even know where DH slept lol, I was out of it.

You need to co sleep. Breastfeed the baby while lying on your side. Remove all covers and layer up or just have them over your legs. Use a bed guard or next to me cot to prevent rolling off on the side where the baby is. I resorted to this with both of mine and got plenty of sleep this way with 2 Velcro babies once I’d figured it out.

You have my absolute sympathy. As a mum of a similar baby, I’m now 9 months on from this time in my life!

I don’t think formula will help. My first was formula fed and was the same. She just wants to be close and knew instantly when she wasn’t. Same as baby #2 except now breastfeeding.

I introduced a dummy at 2 weeks (which meant he didn’t have to be permanently attached to the boob for comfort!) and I co-slept.

Formula feeding was harder. I had to get up, prep the bottle, wind, and resettle my daughter 4/5 times I night. I was beside myself.

Breastfeeding, co-sleeping and dummy is by far and away the more restful option for me. Hope you work it out!

It is so tough and i don't think anyone prepares you for how brutal the first 6 weeks are...I promise they do get better.

When I was right in the thick of it like you are currently....I put my baby in a coocoababy (look it up) and put that in the bed with me so I was curled round him but couldn't roll on him. Expensive but I would have given a kidney for a few hours sleep. Also if you have a partner or anyone else you can use to get your baby to sleep on - do it and go to sleep yourself. Get your partner the get up early with the baby and give you a few hours extra.

Good luck and congratulations on your baby!

Swaddle your baby, put the baby in the cot in the dark, and go away.

Wait fifteen minutes. The baby will go to sleep. Put headphones on and time the fifteen minutes with a watch.

Don't go back into the room while the baby is settling.