Please help Newborn baby - I can't go on with no sleep.

[Jennifer48]

I am posting because my mental health is taking a battering due to sleep deprivation since I gave birth to my beautiful baby on 26 January. I have slept just a few scattered hours since then. The nights are excruciating: the baby doesn't sleep at nights, he certainly doesn't settle in the cot and just howls if he isn't at my breast/stomach or on a pillow in front of me, and obviously I can't sleep in that position.
I am, after a shaky start, breastfeeding him, which I am glad about, but if me getting sleep entails moving on to formula, I will do it but I want to make sure it will definitely result in my getting sleep because that's what's breaking me. I manage to express some milk but giving it to him at night does has no impact on the situation at all. His nappies and weight gain are all good and he is back at his birth weight so he is getting sufficient nutrition from the breast, but won't sleep anywhere other than against my chest, stomach or on a pillow in front of me for longer than five minutes- and obviously I can't fall asleep in that position. I hear parents talk about getting three or four hours or sleep with envy; I literally have got none the past two nights and was almost delirious, I nearly fell with him in my arms last night (thankfully I didn't).
I've heard that's not unusual for a baby not to stay in the cot but I've also heard this phase could go on for weeks or months.. but I am at breaking point now- imagining things, feeling extremely low. There is no joy in this.

I feel every bit of your post, I am so sorry you are experiencing this. All I can say from my experience is you must try safe co sleeping, as any sleep is better than no sleep.

my DC didn’t sleep more than 3 hours in one stretch for a year. I was broken, and ended up with cancer the following year that even with the gruelling surgeries and treatment was honestly easier to experience than the no sleep. I remember praying (I’m not religious) to be taken into hospital so I could sleep, begging anyone to take me seriously. I was hallucinating when awake and having night terrors when asleep it was absolutely awful. The only thing that made it easier was co sleeping as having to get out of bed to do anything/ settling would then wake me up more. Even still it took me a while to learn to feed lying down and it still wasn’t particularly restful sleep. I moved in with my mum too as STBXH was useless and she used to hold my DC for me for two/ three hours or so (I BF to sleep then handed DC over, she brought them in when they needed a feed some hours later) which helped the long lonely nights. I also had lots of treat food in the bedroom as motivation (not healthy but survival). Baby also didn’t take more than 1 oz in a bottle until well over 1 so formula was no help, neither was weaning. A dummy did eventually, we placed 6 or so different ones round the cot later on in baby’s life in the hopes that if baby lost one they’d find another before crying.

All I can say is that the majority of adults sleep through the night so it’s highly likely that your baby will also sleep eventually. in the meantime take every single offer of help, pay for help and do whatever you need to to get through <3

I co slept for this reason too. Also because I had a section and couldn't physically lean over the next to me to pick the baby up without excruciating pain for the first few days (tiny bedroom, difficult manoeuvres!)

I propped myself up comfortably (as if in a hospital bed you can lift the back up on) and I slept with baby in my arms for at least the first few weeks, they could get the breast easily when needed and I could sleep whilst they fed.

It gets easier. You're in the worst time for sleep deprivation and it is really really hard. Do whatever else you can to make your life easier and get maximum rest. Easier said than done, I know.

I’d say eventually your choices are basically cosleeping or Gina ford strict routines etc. I’d say cosleeping would work for you.
Check out lullaby trust guidance. I did varying degrees of cosleeping with my two, including BF lying down. I could basically nap while feeding, even if I was aiming to put them back down in their own bed after a feed. Otherwise you risk falling asleep in the chair while feeding which is extremely dangerous.

other things that helped were (non tight) swaddling and dummies, but for my DD she just wanted to sleep on/next to me. She still likes it age 9 (but is generally in her own bed and no bother at night dont worry).

I should add that when I had DD, you could buy small cartons of formula so you could just pour it in and not have to worry about making it up with powder whilst your baby screamed. Also, in terms of amount, I just gave the baby the bottle and let them decide when they'd had enough!

OP it might have helped you not find responses rude if you’d mentioned your situation (single parent, the level of help your Mum can give) in the first post.

I would echo others in trying swaddling and a Moses basket. DS didn’t sleep in his cot but when we started swaddling him in a Moses basket inside the cot he improved enormously, because he presumably felt cosy and safe.

Other than that, take the co-sleeping advice.

Oh OP, I feel for you, I really do. I was also solo from the day I took my DD home. She had a cows milk allergy that took 10 days to diagnose (and longer to get under control) plus some breastfeeding difficulties etc. So it was hell. I essentially turned nocturnal. I found the nights SO hard but somehow only when I tried to sleep.

Essentially, in the day I followed her wake windows as my own. Up for an hour and a half, sleeping for a bit anf so on. Then at night, I'd get myself set up on the sofa, put on reruns of police interceptors, and stayed up. This sounds mad but dealing with sleep deprivation through the day just felt more manageable for me..

My mum came over one day while I was at breaking point and suggested co sleeping. We did the whole safe sleep, I curled around her in a C shape and honestly thought I was so tired I'd conk.

I did not. We only started co-sleeping around age 1.5 when she was poorly. At 4, she's now regularly in my bed!!

For now it's survival. If your mum can hold her for a couple hours, take that time to be horizontal. Focus on resting as much as sleeping. Being all snuggled up is a good halfway.

You've got this. It won't always be this hard, I promise.

Have a chat to HV too if needed, for us it was silent reflux so actually once she got treatment she was much better laying, until then I needed to sit her up for up to an hour after a feed. Which, when they're taking 40 mins to feed, feeding every two hours and needing to be sat up for an hour, left little in the way of sleep!

Also our moses basket was a glorified cat bed. She HATED it. Cat loved it though...

Co-sleep. Look at safe sleep guidelines. Friend told me about the cuddle curl and it was a game changer. Still co-sleeping with my nearly 2 year old and we both get a full night's sleep and have done since she was teeny tiny (apart from dreamy night feeds). No pillows, no blankets (until she was 18months and then we started using a very thin blanket), obviously no duvet. If you can get a mattress on the floor, even better. Co-sleeping is perfectly safe, even beneficial, if done intentionally. I remember being in your position as a single mum and weighing up the dangers. I realised the dangers of being sleep deprived (I was literally hallucinating, falling asleep with DD on me etc) were more likely to result in serious accident than co-sleeping. Best advice I ever got was to co-sleep.

Stop breastfeeding completely and get him on formula and give him a dummy. Things will improve.

Why on earth would you say that? What a bloody awful post. You should be ashamed.

As others have said, research safe co-sleeping via the lullaby trust. I co-slept and it saved my sanity.

hang on in there. The early days are tough but they DO pass.

About 100 people have already said this, but co-sleep! Studies show that is is safe when next to (sober) breastfeeding mother, no other adults in bed. Give baby separate blanket and have duvet edge over you (so they’re not going to get covered in your duvet as the bulk of it is off to your side). You face baby in big spoon position and baby head is level with your boobs, on their back. Your bottom arm is spread out above their head and your top arm can rest on their tummy, so they are safely in the C curl of your body. This is the only way my baby would sleep for the first few weeks, then we slowly transitioned her to the next to me crib after she had fallen asleep, she stayed there until around 7 months.

Not helpful.

I also recommend safe co sleeping. If it worries you, have a read of Three In A Bed, ir for more recent, data based information try Emily Oster's books.

I also had a newborn like this, and I couldn't bring myself to co sleep, I was just so afraid of it being unsafe. What happens when your baby is asleep on you and then you transfer to the cot? In my case, my baby would stay asleep for about a minute, then start making dinosaur type noises and then he'd wake up crying. It was because laying him flat was causing reflux/silent reflux. I mention this, because if this is happening, then it could be as simple as getting a gaviscon infant prescription to solve the problem (he was then more comfortable laying flat).

I also breastfed, I tried to give formula at night to solve the problem as well but it didn't work as he refused it! I do think a bottle of formula before bed is a good idea though, as it used to work very well for my daughter. It's worth a shot, 50/50.

Good luck, I hope this all passes for you soon.

Poor you. This is insanely hard. Unfortunately, at your baby's age, there's unlikely to be a magic bullet. Time will fix it - and you have to find a way of getting through that time.

You say your mum can't really help during the night - fair enough. However can she take your baby during the day for a couple of longish between-feed sleeps? You can then get two decent naps. If he cries for you, ask her to take him out of the house. Perhaps he doesn't like the pram (my terrible sleeper didn't) but, if she can steel herself to his crying, he won't come to any harm. Alternatively could she use a sling? (Do make sure it's properly fitted.)

At night, do what you have to do to get through it. Co-sleeping might help if you are happy to try it. It will at least make you feel less physically exhausted.

Also, have you tried cranial osteopathy? My dreadful non-sleeping baby slept for a 4 hour stretch after his first session. (He didn't repeat the feat for months but it was a chink of light.) If you're in London, I recommend the Osteopathic Centre for Children. https://www.occ-fpo.org.uk/our-clinics/your-stories/newborn-mother-care/ If you're not, perhaps someone can recommend somewhere local to you.

My baby had very bad silent reflux. I see other posters have already suggested investigating this, especially if yours screams immediately on being laid flat. Gaviscon didn't cut it for mine but a paediatric gastroenterologist at the Royal London prescribed a couple of other things that did help. Maybe ask your Health Visitor or GP.

Poor you, that sounds SO tough. Would you be able to afford a maternity night for a few nights? Or do you have a trusted friend who could come by and give a bottle, maybe during the day so you can nap for a few hours at a time?

I don't think you feeding formula will make much difference. Giving formula helps becuase their other parent can also get tup in the night.

Honestly, co sleep. Keep your quilt down at your hip. Your pillow behind you so you're on the edge of it, and none of it near your baby. Its the way mum's have been sleeping with their babies since the beginning of humanity for a reason.

don’t stop breastfeeding, it’s the only time I ever slept well in all my life!!
read here:
laleche.org.uk/breastfeeding-at-night/

Came here to say this. I was going demented with lack of sleep. Fortunately a midwife taught me how to breastfeed lying down while I was still in hospital.

I didn’t intentionally co-sleep, but I was so tired I started doing some night feeds lying down and ended up falling asleep. It actually worked perfectly by accident, because I would drift off to sleep, baby fed as long as he needed to. Then I’d wake up some time later, and he had fed enough and was in a deep sleep, so I would transfer him back into the bassinet next to my bed. You could also look at getting a sidecar style cot, so you don’t have to worry about transferring the baby. But that means you can only feed on one side.

Much love and strength to you. It’s so hard, but it will pass.

Not all HVs are against cosleeping these days, I’ve just had a baby and mine has guidance on how to do it safely. They would rather people did it safely than just ended up bringing baby into bed with them uninformed.

My advice is cosleep or a dummy.

Oh OP, I could have written this post myself many months ago. Remember you are doing brilliantly and your baby is doing so well - because of you! Well done.
I won't repeat all the stuff again about co sleeping but I will say it gets so much better and soon (I promise). I thought it would never end but suddenly the baby was willing to sleep in the next to me but it did take a few weeks.

Mixed feed a bottle of formula before bed is an option. Wind him really well after. I used to wrap mine in a blanket and put them down very gradually keep lights minimal at night time and minimal interaction at night too but lots in the day. Can partner take over and you sleep this doesn’t have to be night 5pm -11pm is good right now but you really need to sleep without holding baby for a while.

My son was like this, he never breastfed as he had a severe tongue tie, took months for his tongue to move much after it was snipped, so I expressed and bottle fed and then went to formula. It turned out he had severe silent reflux which when lying down cane up and burned his throat causing pain, and then after that diagnosis we found he had cmpa so was on special formula.

My husband and I halved the night and it was true survival mode with him as a newborn. It's so hard and not ehat you imagine when lovingly gazing at your bump! But it helped us stay safe and we have a 2.5 year old now who fills us with joy, and things got better anyway when he went on the right formula and then outgrew his milk intolerance. We would split the night and swap at 2am so we both got at least 4 hrs solid sleep if not more, as we were literally holding him up all night at one stage which was dangerous as we were nodding off.

You've gotto do ehat gets you the most sleep, but I would say look into whats keeping him restless at night, and if you're not happy to cosleep with him then perhaps bottle's might be the answer at night, you can express so he gets your milk.

This is a tiny baby of a few weeks old. They sense your smell and heartbeat. My son was in a Moses basket in my room for 6 weeks until he had more of a routine. I think the basket felt more enclosed so he possible felt safer. This period really is about resting up- doing bare minimum
other than taking care of yourself and him, so don’t expect too much. Leave the dishes, feed yourself, nap when he does, and even set your alarm if you are scared you won’t wake up. Don’t expect too much go out and about on other peoples schedules, if anyone can come and bring you a sarnie and help out with looking after yourself- ask. It does get better- in a few weeks you’ll be established and you’ll understand what makes him tick. You’re doing fantastic!