Please help Newborn baby - I can't go on with no sleep.

[Jennifer48]

I am posting because my mental health is taking a battering due to sleep deprivation since I gave birth to my beautiful baby on 26 January. I have slept just a few scattered hours since then. The nights are excruciating: the baby doesn't sleep at nights, he certainly doesn't settle in the cot and just howls if he isn't at my breast/stomach or on a pillow in front of me, and obviously I can't sleep in that position.
I am, after a shaky start, breastfeeding him, which I am glad about, but if me getting sleep entails moving on to formula, I will do it but I want to make sure it will definitely result in my getting sleep because that's what's breaking me. I manage to express some milk but giving it to him at night does has no impact on the situation at all. His nappies and weight gain are all good and he is back at his birth weight so he is getting sufficient nutrition from the breast, but won't sleep anywhere other than against my chest, stomach or on a pillow in front of me for longer than five minutes- and obviously I can't fall asleep in that position. I hear parents talk about getting three or four hours or sleep with envy; I literally have got none the past two nights and was almost delirious, I nearly fell with him in my arms last night (thankfully I didn't).
I've heard that's not unusual for a baby not to stay in the cot but I've also heard this phase could go on for weeks or months.. but I am at breaking point now- imagining things, feeling extremely low. There is no joy in this.

Have you tried tucking a muslin into your bra for a few hours so it will smell like you. Then after you put baby in their cot asleep you put it on them so they can smell you.

I learnt to breastfeed lying down in bed. I also co-slept if need be. The advantage of breastfeeding lying down is that if you did accidently fall asleep then you don’t drop the baby. laleche.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2016/01/Safe-Sleep-7-infographic.pdf

Speaking as someone who is currently on the 3rd baby and has done a mix of breast and bottle with different children, the formula did nothing to help sleep. It's not a holy grail that people often tout it to be.

I would really recommend co sleeping as your best option for the moment. The first few weeks are hard, I get it, I really do. This baby was the worst sleeper and wouldn't sleep anywhere except on me for the first 8 weeks. She's also breastfed and has slept through from 10-7 since 3 months old in her bassinet. But co sleeping was what got me through the first 8 weeks

What a rude response when someone was sharing their experience

It really wasn’t. But this is.. don’t be a dick to a new mum who is very much struggling.

You don't mention a dummy? Dummy! Buy lots of different brands and persevere.

I'd also add a bottle of formula and see - I think theres a lot of advice saying your supply will drop and that'll be it but I managed to do 1/2 and 1/2 until three months and then swap to exclusive so it is possible.

Will be hugely unpopular but google the Gina Ford schedule for a newborn. Follow her timings for when you feed and when you attempt to get baby to nap. Front loading all feeds in the day. Starting day at 7am no matter what. Enough day sleep but not too much.
I promise you, no matter what, your nights will improve in a couple of days. Bar reflux or allergy obvs.

Co-sleeping may help in short term. And you could do it with the GF timings (ignore all the other strict guff she comes out with. It’s the free sleep timings that help). Personally I’d only start co sleeping if it’s something you’d like to do long term.

Good luck. This too shall pass

Have RTFT but if you want to continue BF formula would be a last resort (neither of mine would take formula anyway so was moot point for us)
White noise is a game changer, if you don't want to buy a white noise machine, try an app on your phone to start with.
Sleep on top of the cot sheet for a night before putting it on the cot so it smells like you.
Warm the cot before putting down, put baby down asleep, we never bothered with the drowsy but awake bollocks it just made life harder. Keep your hand under their head if they stir, only remove your hand when they are properly asleep.
Co-sleeping safely is a game changer. My HV was really helpful on this and helped me set up a safe co sleeping space (no gaps between bed and wall for baby to slip into, no loose bedding or pillows etc). A lot of the SIDS stats are based on ANY co-sleeping and its much more likely to end badly if an exhausted parent falls asleep by accident in a chair or with a mountain of pillows, than if a prepared parent falls asleep with baby in a safe space.
It gets better.

This is really normal but also so so hard! Do you have a partner? Can’t you do shifts overnight so you each get a stretch of sleep?
Also forget about sleeping at night for the first few weeks, this will come but for now sleep during the day if baby sleeps better then (my eldest did).
Also cannot stress enough how much cosleeping and feeding lying down will save your sanity in the newborn phase. Cosleeping is safe if you do it properly and also completely normal for a young baby to want to sleep next to their mother

This OP.

This is all normal. The baby wants to be with you because it’s completely vulnerable without you.

I decided to co sleep at 6 weeks - just me and baby in bed and safe sleeping position (look it up). I had about 7 hours that night and I still remember how great I felt that morning (this was 10 years ago!).

Don’t start giving formula. It will affect your supply.

For now, what you do is you basically stay in bed all the time. You feed the baby and as soon as you can, you lie down next to them, with them asleep and you sleep. Babies tend to be awake, feed, sleep in an ongoing cycle at this stage. You literally sleep every moment, day or night when baby could be sleeping. If you can hand baby off once a day for your mum to take on a walk for an hour or two, sleep then too. This won’t last forever, but you just have to do it for another month or so and it will get a bit easier.

I had one baby who was mixed fed and then ff from 8 weeks or so, and one baby who was ebf. My EBF baby was by far easier in terms of sleep, no faffing with bottles all night, and he slept better too. Formula is definitely not a ticket to better sleep. This is unfortunately how they are to start, but it does get easier from about 8-10 weeks.

I have no experience of formula but I'd make a decision whether you're going to make co-sleeping work or get baby used to their crib.

I didn't co-sleep but I did spend the full first week holding my baby (husband too) and he barely went into his crib, it is sooo hard. I made the decision to make the crib a success as we were both against co-sleeping.

If you choose the crib:
Make sure you're getting some daylight and fresh air so baby learns when it's day and night, it helps. Also, sleeping bags are great as they stay cosy when going into their crib. Feed to sleep, hold for 10-15 mins until in a deep sleep then slowly transfer to crib, bum down first to avoid startling, keep your hand on them for a bit then remove, that might help the transfer :)

I could have written this post after my ds1 was born. It was a brutal time. I do recall things getting better around the 3 week mark, hang in there

I’d also be considering giving him a bottle to fill him up better and a dummy if you haven’t tried that

my ds wanted to be permanently attached to me and yes it is exhausting

i ended up co-sleeping, it worked well for us but isn’t for everyone (and I was totally against the idea before he came along)

also get someone else to take baby out in pram for an hour or so during the day. So you can have a lie down. My ds liked this just cried if movement stopped!

Hello, this sounds really hard and I remember it all so well. My DD only slept in 20 minute stretches & it broke me. I would cry whenever I heard her stirring because I knew we were up for a good hour or 2 minimum. In practical terms - can you afford paid help? A night nanny? A friend who can come over for a few hours in the day to let you sleep? Even if you need to turn your days into night for a while, sleep is the most important thing right now. Secondly, if you can't do either of those things, have you considered a rockit? You attach it to the crib/pram and it rocks it gently - it can be a life saver for some babies who want to be rocked to sleep. For me personally- I think my baby had reflux and thats why she wouldn't lie flat and sleep like other babies (I only realised this in hindsight) but she did love being swaddled, patted & shushed, dunmy in, white noise on (just on my phone), minimal lighting overnight & rocked gently. I do sympathise I spent many a night crying & ordering anything I thought might help online it was truly the worst time of my life.

Edited to add- I too was on my own with baby & understand not being able to hand them over to another parent at any point. That's what makes it feel so hopeless & the nights so long. Hope you can get some rest soon x

I had a similar baby and was a single mum. I just had to try and train myself to sleep in a completely new position propped up by about 6 pillows so I was contained enough that I wouldn't roll onto the baby and I could put my spare arm up nestled between the pillows so I wouldn't end up lying on it and get pins and needles. She would breastfeed through most of the night and I'd doze in and out of sleep whilst she did.

I agree with this.

I've never understood this concept of "baby won't". The baby hasn't learnt to sleep in the cot yet and if you keep giving in he never will. He's a blank sheet of paper that you get to write on. You get to teach him. You are in charge. Raise one end in case its discomfort from being lay too flat. (I bought cot leg props). Swaddle. Place in cot. Walk away. He's not in any danger and CAN learn a routine. You need to persevere. All 5 of mine slept through the night from almost straight away. I was not single but i was completely on my own due to dh deployment. Literally paternity leave at 3 months post birth! All bf. There was a great thread on here the other day from a mum of a newborn plus toddler who had accidentally left the newborn to self soothe for about 5 minutes of crying while having to see to the toddler. Accidentally discovered they go to sleep better if you back off and stop responding to every little bit of crying. You're in danger of teaching him he has to be tended to constantly. He doesn't.

(I realise you might hate this whole comment but we are all trying to help, drawing from our hugely varying experiences.)

Have recognisable switch from daytime to nighttime. Bedtime is dark, no pretty stimulating toys, nightlight etc. Treat being put to bed as if its a happy normal thing. Honestly if i needed to go back to soothe i would literally reassure with cuddle, low key movements, minimal light, lay back down, saying throughout things like you're fine its time for nice bed/ lovely bed, its just bedtime etc. I'd foreshadow bedtme with "time for lovely bed/lovely bedtime" etc in a nice voice. I think its easy to anticipate bedtime being a mare and unintentionally communicate that. Ppl will say I'm bonkers babies dont understand speech but there's more to communication than just the words. Also as his tummy gets bigger he'll naturally start to go longer and longer between feeds. And you'll be picking him up out of the cot for a feed less and less frequently.

You sniping at the other poster is understandable given how tired you are, but I honestly think you need to change your mindset from "he won't sleep unless". You need to teach him that its nomal to go to bed. He's not in charge. You're probably hoping for a way of getting sleep without resetting how you've ended up existing currently and you'll be unhappy with any suggestions that involve the things your baby seems to have taught you are off the agenda. I bet he's exhausted too. He should be asleep for more hours than awake at this stage.

Haven't had time to read whole thread but hope someone has suggested ruling out reflux type issues, eg visit GP, or cranial massage etc in case there's a discomfort for a medical reason.

Stopping breastfeeding might not help this situation… The first months are hard but breastfeeding is actually easier later than washing all the bottles etc.

I pumped my milk and bottle fed for 3 months as my baby didn’t latch properly, but from 3 months onwards I was feeding directly from breast. My son was a velcro baby too and had to be held all the time. My DH had 2 month paternity leave so we did shifts - he had my son from 9pm to 4am when I was sleeping, then he slept 4am until 12pm. My son was fed from bottle at the time so it wasn’t breastfeeding that caused him to scream every time we tried to put him down. Some babies are like that.

Is there a way your partner could take him for a few hours and feed your pumped milk while you sleep? Please consider continuing breastfeeding as it has immense benefits to baby’s immunity and there is no guarantee that giving your baby formula will change anything. Also over time it is so much easier to pop your baby on the breast when you’re out rather than worrying about packing bottles and getting hot water. Not to mention that baby gets your immune cells from your milk which supports his immunity and protects against infections.

A few different things to try:

swaddle + dummy + white noise = sensory deprivation experience that mine loved

definitely try introducing a bottle as it’ll pay off in the long-run, formula babies wake less as they are (more often) only waking for food, rather than comfort of boobs.

Then your mum can feed him. Even if this means getting 3/4 hours sleep in the day rather than the night, it’s better than nothing.

as others have asked - will he sleep with movement? (I.e in a pram?) we had a snuzpod crib for our second and found that we could just rock her back to sleep in it. As she grew older we just weaned her off it so she didn’t need rocking by the time she grew out of it.

if you can/want to co-sleep, by all means do! (Safely). You can buy a cheap bed guard to make sure baby can’t roll out of bed. I used to wear a onesie so I was warm and didn’t have to worry about my covers getting on baby.

BUT it’s not for everyone. I hate it. I never get proper sleep as I’m on such high alert and I end up with horrific back pain from being so tense. It’s not for everyone.

lastly, you could try moving baby into their own. It’s advised to keep them in your room until 6 months for SIDS, but really the back-to-sleep, non smoking/drunk parent and having nothing in the cot are the biggies. It’s not like with 10 advisories they’re all equal - some are more important than others. And for me, having baby in a safe cot/bedding with a video camera seemed safer than, even “safe”, co-sleeping.

i would be trying a dummy in your position.

Co sleeping is wonderful. My first wouldn't sleep on his own for his first year and co sleeping for us both through. The lullaby trust has great advice to do tit safely.

Is baby hungry / getting enough breast milk? Definitely a bottle of formula for bedtime. Consider a Snoo (self soothing cot) or co sleeping if baby needs to feed throughout the night. In response to baby crying with your Mum - they will cry for you if you’re in the house - they will be able to smell you

I wholeheartedly know where you're coming from and know exactly how hard it is. I've been there. My eldest was a very poor sleeper. After 8 weeks of trying to get her to sleep in a moses basket, I gave up. I co-slept.

I had a bed guard which fitted tight to my side of the bed, which I then pushed against the wall to stop any gaps being created. I then more or less slept in the middle curled in a fetal position with my arm, the side I way laying on under my pillow. I tucked the duvet und the bottom of the mattress and pulled the majority over my husbands side tucking my edge between my legs to stop me pulling or moving it in my sleep.

They baby had a sleep bag. This is how I slept with all 4 of mine, I also breastfed all 4. My 3rd wanted to be on my nipple all the time which was an issue so I had to convince her to take a dummy (Mam brand) early it was a game changes.

Ask your midwife/health visitor to help you research, safe co sleeping. The closeness this way was enough for mine but took them a little time to get used to.

My last bit of advice is to sleep when they sleep. If they are up in the night, fine. Sleep in the day when they sleep. Screw the washing and the house work, it will still be there in a few weeks when the baby is settled. Lots of love x

You need to switch to formula, at least at night, and baby will go longer between feeds. It also means your partner, if you have one, can help.

Agree with this. My daughter would cry constantly. A dummy was a game changer

I haven’t read the full thread so apologies if I am missing something. I had two terrible sleepers. One thing that helped me was cosleeping. I would lie on my side and feed and roll away when baby was asleep I would wear a dressing gown to keep warm and baby had the sleep sack on so covers didn’t interfere. I would also close my eyes while feeding this way so it felt restful.
Also can your mum take the baby for walks in the pram or carrier in the day/evening so you can get an hour or two in then?