Please help Newborn baby - I can't go on with no sleep.

[Jennifer48]

I am posting because my mental health is taking a battering due to sleep deprivation since I gave birth to my beautiful baby on 26 January. I have slept just a few scattered hours since then. The nights are excruciating: the baby doesn't sleep at nights, he certainly doesn't settle in the cot and just howls if he isn't at my breast/stomach or on a pillow in front of me, and obviously I can't sleep in that position.
I am, after a shaky start, breastfeeding him, which I am glad about, but if me getting sleep entails moving on to formula, I will do it but I want to make sure it will definitely result in my getting sleep because that's what's breaking me. I manage to express some milk but giving it to him at night does has no impact on the situation at all. His nappies and weight gain are all good and he is back at his birth weight so he is getting sufficient nutrition from the breast, but won't sleep anywhere other than against my chest, stomach or on a pillow in front of me for longer than five minutes- and obviously I can't fall asleep in that position. I hear parents talk about getting three or four hours or sleep with envy; I literally have got none the past two nights and was almost delirious, I nearly fell with him in my arms last night (thankfully I didn't).
I've heard that's not unusual for a baby not to stay in the cot but I've also heard this phase could go on for weeks or months.. but I am at breaking point now- imagining things, feeling extremely low. There is no joy in this.

It can be really common for a new mother who has wanted a child so much to struggle, because you can never prepare yourself for the reality of having a baby. Please be really gentle with yourself.

Have you seen a lactation specialist yet?

And thats helping @Jennifer48how ?

Kindly and very gently OP, sitting in a chair all day is no good for either of you. I do understand because I was a bit of a homebody and stayed in a lot with my first one too. I'd had a long exhausting labour, feeding problems too and it was deepest winter so I justified it, but in hindsight it just magnified it all.

So try to get out as others have suggested too. A quick walk around the block, or equivalent, if nothing else. Fingers crossed there might be a bit of blue sky tomorrow, try to go out together. Sending love. X

With respect @Voneska shush.

Honestly @Jennifer48 I can’t express how much I wish I could do a proper face to face feeding assessment. I’m reading all your posts and I can see how much you’re struggling. When you say you’ve tried feeding laid down, what is it that’s not worked? Does he struggle to latch? Try to have him tummy to tummy, with his head tilted back, chin up, so when he opens his mouth he gets a good deep latch. You should be able to see the dark skin of your aureola above his top lip, not so much below his bottom lip.

As others have said, being stuck in one armchair all day is not good long term. You and baby both need to be getting out for a short spell in the afternoon, and your body needs to move or you will end up with back pain and awful aches.

Clearly not 🙄

Ignore those telling you to put him down and leave him if that doesn’t feel comfortable for you (he’s still tiny and self soothing is not a thing until he’s much bigger) well done on this though. It’s brutal taking the sacrifice yourself to be exhausted but you’re a superstar for it.

my advice would be to get people to watch him or you both when you CAN sleep. So, if you're nervous cosleeping could you get someone to watch you both for a few hours so you know he’s safe? Or if he’ll nap or play or go for a walk with someone in the day, then YOU sleep. Don’t worry about missing stuff - at the moment you need sleep and if someone can occupy him even for a few hours it will help.

and finally, it does get easier, I promise. He will sleep better and you’ll also find your groove for what works (sleep/feeding/routine wise). You’re doing amazingly but anything that will let you sleep will help.

How has today been @Jennifer48?

I hope your appointment goes well today and I hope you've been managing to get a little bit more sleep 💙

How are you doing @Jennifer48?

I really hope you're doing better @Jennifer48 x

I hope you’re ok @Jennifer48

Thank you so much for thinking of me and checking in, it's very kind and means a lot to me. A health visitor who visited on Tuesday said my baby may have silent reflux because he arches his back and raises his legs when he's crying uncontrollably. He doesn't bring up much milk, he doesnt vomit at all. I know that by definition, silent reflux babies don't vomit but and his weight gain and nappies are good, plus tilting the cot or putting a blanket under the pram mattress so his head is raised doesn't help matters, so I'm not sure at all that it is reflux. The health visitor suggested I go to the doctor. Doctor prescribed Gaviscon Infant. I've given him a little of it since yesterday. The maximum dosage is 6 sachets in 25 hours but that's for a child of one year old (Gavisvon Indant is only authorised for children under one year of age under medical supervision).The doctor said to trial the Gaviscon for four weeks to see how we get on.

However, an breastfeeding (IBCLC certified).and sleep specialist consultant I've had an online session with- who came recommended to me and seems very good from the session and tje information on her website - told me she believes reflux is over-diagnosed and believes the baby is colicky. When I look at the symptoms of colic, I tend to think that is true:
His crying is evening and all through the night, and this site also mentions arching of the back as a symptom:
https://www.nidirect.gov.uk/conditions/infantile-colic-baby-colic#:~:text=Causes%20of%20colic-,Signs%20and%20symptoms%20of%20colic,arching%20their%20back%20while%20crying

It goes on from 9pm.to approx. 6a.m. and while he does cry during the day, too- it's less so. He is still stuck to my boobs and feeds about 14 or 15 times a day. He'd be on the breast non-stop if he could, but I occasionally try to increase the time between a feed by giving him to my mum, just so I can have a shower or eat lunch.. most things I eat are with him stuck to my boob, though. It's a rare day that I manage to get dressed out of my pyajamas. I try to have a shower most days but didn't get to have one today, for example.

I saw a consultant psychiatrist who works with the perinatal mental health team yesterday. The lack of sleep is obviously the major problem for me but she agrees that medication isn't going to improve things at the moment. That's where things are at at the moment.

Silent reflux babies feed a lot as soothes them. Which is why often they gain weight and doctors don’t take a new mums concern seriously - ‘as baby is gaining weight’

Same with dummy as the constant saliva acts as an antiseptic

That all sounds positive, and good that people are listening and giving you something to work with. I think you're right and it could well be colic he's suffering with.

Did you say he doesn't bring up much wind? If that's the case then perhaps it's getting trapped lower down and bringing up legs can indicate this. Is his tummy hard from gas sometimes do you think?

A quick Google bought up a product I didn't use or know existed called Frida baby wind passer, which seems to have great reviews. Bicycle legs and tummy massage never did much for mine to help pass lower wind, but this method sounds like it works even if it's a bit daunting to use. Trapped lower gas is notoriously difficult to pass for some newborn babies, much easier when they grow and can move around more.

And I know that when you're struggling to even have time to shower going out is the last thing you want to do. With a bit nicer weather if you could just sit outside for a bit that'd be great, babies do enjoy the stimulation of change in air and environmental noises, and it's good for you too. Do you have a garden? You can go out there in pjs! 😊

How old is he now? If it's colic then there's an element of growing out of it which gives strong hope that this phase will pass soon.

Same as the poster above I was just going to ask if you could sit out in your garden if you've got one or even better would be at a friends garden so you can have some company. It can feel very lonely parenting at times. My little one is 12 weeks so a little bit older than yours but I find it much easier to parent out and about rather than stuck at home. Time seemed to go very slowly for me being at home and I'd start to get anxious for the night ahead around 4pm.
I agree it sounds like colic, kendamil comfort drops helped a bit - I know you're breast feeding but I think you can still use them just check first, and infacol helped. Tummy time is meant to help too but I found that just made mine scream.
I think you're in the peak crying phase now, I think it's around 5-7 weeks, we had a lot of nights where he just wouldn't settle until 7am, and listening to hours and hours of crying is so hard. I think you said you'd moved away but would one of your friends travel and stay with you for a few nights do you think? Just the company might help and it could help your mum have a bit of a break too if she needs it.
I'm glad you're asking for help and they're actually listening!
Are you getting any smiles from your little one yet? It might be a little bit early still but I found that really helped when they started to smile.
It's really hard when you feel like you should be enjoying this time, I think it's downplayed sometimes just how hard it can be - I literally felt like I'd been sedated I was so tired! But you'll get through it, things will slowly start to get a little bit easier bit by bit. It feels like you'll never sleep again in the moment, but you will 💙 and you'll be a brilliant mummy I'm sure!

Just to add when I say you'll be brilliant, I'm sure you already are!!

Thank you @MyStickIsBetterThanBacon for your constructive post.
Yes I do think he has trapped wind, very possibly trapped lower down, as you say. The Frida windi gas passer you mentioned looks interesting but I wouldn't feel confident using it, I'm afraid. Anything test involves tubes and the baby's rectum and the mention "cannot harm your baby if used as instructed" would freak me out around a little baby, I'm afraid.
You asked how old he is: he was born on 26 January.

Thank you @PregnantPumpkin this is a very pertinent post. Although if the peak crying phase is 5-7 weeks, I really won't survive. He'll be 5 weeks old on Monday 😅
My little one is inconsolable, it lasts all night. You're coming to the end of the famous fourth trimestre?, are things getting a little easier? Are you getting a bit more sleep?

Ypu inderstand well the lonliness and the lack of company being very diifficult. None of my friends would be able to come over and stay, though. My mum is also very private about who comes into her house.

Op you really need to get out and about in the day! It’s just going to go on in a loop of being trapped in the house and it makes the night seem even longer

up and out first thing in the morning - you can feed the baby anywhere - the park, a cafe - wheeling around in the fresh air in the park or soemthing will be much better for everyone and the baby might even get a good sleep in

sitting in a chair all day and then doing the night shift after a day if that sounds so depressing - honestly dont know how you are doing this!

have you tried a sling or carrier?? Check if there a sling library near you!!

They're all different so maybe yours has hit it a bit earlier and might be through it earlier 🤞
Yes it's definitely getting easier, we started co sleeping from about 6 weeks old and it's got progressively better, especially over the last few weeks. Some of the mum's at a group I go to have little ones who sleep 6+ hours in one go, we're not at that stage yet but we tend to sleep 4hours to start with then 2 blocks of 2hours - which I would have counted as a shit sleep before I had a baby but now it feels like heaven! I have to stand up as soon as mine starts crying because there's still no chance he'll settle when I'm sitting down with him for some reason.
Obviously your choice but I wouldn't feel comfortable using the windi thing either, it just seems wrong.
I wish I was in NI, I'd go for a walk with you! Honestly though, don't worry if you've not showered and got milk down your shirt, try and get outside. I try and go to 2 baby things a week and do 2 things I want to do each week and take the baby with me, plus get him out for a walk in the pram every day even when we weren't sleeping because I'd read it can help them start to distinguish day and night and I think it did help. I've had to eat my lunch / drink my drink stood up when I've been in cafes/pubs to stop him crying but honestly it helps my mood so much to be out even if it doesn't fully go to plan!

5 weeks tomorrow, another week and that's 6! It's a huge milestone and I really think the worst of the newborn weeks will be behind you then.

Has the gaviscon had any effect do you think or not?

I hope you're getting a few happy and awake moments during the day by now, as that's so lovely. And all those activities like tummy time, lying under a toy arch/mobile feeds into the bigger picture of sleep as he tires himself with a bit of physical and mental stimulation.

Tummy time on the floor at this age is a bit overwhelming I think, tummy to tummy time on you is much more natural, tiger on the tree hold etc and lots of other ways to build up to floor tummy time on YouTube too.

Are you staying with your mum for the foreseeable or planning to head back to your own place? I only ask as going to groups and connecting with others going through the same as you is so valuable. We had a new mums group organised by the heath visitors which is where I made a great bunch of friends, I think it was from 6 weeks old. Not sure if those kind of things still run with so many cuts. It was far less daunting than walking into a baby group where everyone else knew each other.

We're all nagging you to get outside I know, but try it and come and tell us so we can celebrate with you!

You're doing brilliantly. X

Hey @Jennifer48, how at you doing? 5 weeks today, things should be improving now?

Hello @Ileithyia and @MyStickIsBetterThanBacon thank you both so much I wish you lived near me too, we could go out for a walk!

Today I went to a Sure Start baby and me workshop for under one year old babies.
It was fine and I'd go again in the future, but the local breastfeeding group I have been to on Wednesday mornings is friendlier and more useful for me overall. My mum drove me to today's workshop and picked me up. There have been cuts to workshops, as you said @MyStickIsBetterThanBacon but there are still several groups near where my mum lives.

I stopped at a corner shop on the way back home for a sandwich and bun to take away. I'm glad to have got out of the house.

I couldn't leave my mum's house,my sleep is too little, and I have nobody to help me out if I move out. I am still getting extremely little sleep and feel extremely shaky.
I hope the worst days will be behind me by next week (the 6-weeks stage), but reading some comments on here from parents whose child didn't sleep until they were 2 or 3 was not helpful.😔

Are you trying the Gaviscon?

I have thought it was silent reflux since you first posted, and I still do. Everything you are saying just rings so true for me (I am mum of two silent reflux babies plus CMPA) .

My two put on weight easily as they were over feeding, to comfort themselves. Also arching back, getting less content during feed, not burping, frequent hiccups, being tight and scrunched up and unable to lie down in their cot.