Please help Newborn baby - I can't go on with no sleep.

[Jennifer48]

I am posting because my mental health is taking a battering due to sleep deprivation since I gave birth to my beautiful baby on 26 January. I have slept just a few scattered hours since then. The nights are excruciating: the baby doesn't sleep at nights, he certainly doesn't settle in the cot and just howls if he isn't at my breast/stomach or on a pillow in front of me, and obviously I can't sleep in that position.
I am, after a shaky start, breastfeeding him, which I am glad about, but if me getting sleep entails moving on to formula, I will do it but I want to make sure it will definitely result in my getting sleep because that's what's breaking me. I manage to express some milk but giving it to him at night does has no impact on the situation at all. His nappies and weight gain are all good and he is back at his birth weight so he is getting sufficient nutrition from the breast, but won't sleep anywhere other than against my chest, stomach or on a pillow in front of me for longer than five minutes- and obviously I can't fall asleep in that position. I hear parents talk about getting three or four hours or sleep with envy; I literally have got none the past two nights and was almost delirious, I nearly fell with him in my arms last night (thankfully I didn't).
I've heard that's not unusual for a baby not to stay in the cot but I've also heard this phase could go on for weeks or months.. but I am at breaking point now- imagining things, feeling extremely low. There is no joy in this.

@Jennifer48 I have a video of my first born falling asleep in 10s. 😂

Agree about the dairy intolerance but actually this isn’t correct re breastfeeding, in these early days you can’t just use formula and the phase it out and replace with breastfeeding again. The OP needs to build her supply and that is only done by supply and demand ie feeding round the clock. Supply will be affected if she uses formula and then wants to go back to breastfeeding

You absolutely can supplement with formula if needed then build up supply later on. I've done this myself. Feeding is supply and demand so if she wants to phase out formula later she can put baby on breast and in a few days supply will increase.
So she could give a bottle of a 4oz at night so she can get some sleep. Then as baby grows, tummy can hold more milk and OP can increase feeding and decrease formula usage. I'm not suggesting she stops and tries to restart but you can definitely increase supply once you are more tested and healthy.

My apologies I read your post wrong, I thought you were saying she could stop, use formula and then restart. Sorry!

Mine couldn't sleep side by side at that age, only chest to chest cosleeping (look at happy cosleeper on facebook).

Also, if you're thinking dairy is the issue, mine couldn't tolerate any dairy and dairy takes 3 weeks to leave your system. Also soy is very similar and many babies that can't tolerate dairy also can't tolerate soy. So your baby needs to have absolutely zero normal formula and you need to have eaten zero dairy and soy for 3 weeks to really know for sure if it made a difference. I had one coffee where they accidentally gave me dairy milk instead of oat. I realised after one mouthful of it and my baby was still awful for days after.

I can ask on my maternity nurse /night nanny group if you went to see if anyone Is local to you

im a maternity practitioner but sadly in Kent so nowhere near you

i currently drive an hour each way with my clients so there may be some near by around that distance @Jennifer48

The first few weeks are intense @jennifer48 your baby, doesn’t understand they are no longer in your belly, and often this means they won’t sleep unless they are very close or in contact with someone.

Safe bedsharing is a lifesaver. You won’t smother your baby if you follow the guidelines. Even Lullaby Trust has safe cosleeping info now.

https://www.lullabytrust.org.uk/baby-safety/safer-sleep-information/co-sleeping/

Cutting out dairy is a major undertaking and I really wouldn’t try it unless you have lots of reasons to think dairy is the problem. At the moment this may well be a temporary issue just caused by your baby being very little, having an immature digestive system and generally wanting the comfort and womb like feeling of being on you.

In your shoes I would try to find a way to sleep safely with your baby on your chest. You need to be at a semi upright angle - not lying flat - and follow various safety rules. cosleepy on Instagram has some posts on chest to chest sleeping, there may be other advice online too. This is basically what I did with the aid of various pillows propping me up.

my mum then came and took the baby for an hour each morning so I could get stretch out and get proper deep sleep lying flat. It wasn’t ideal but tbh it was a lot better than the “sleep” I got (or didn’t) when I tried putting her down.

No, you don’t need to hit babies ‘pretty hard’ to bring wind up, holding them upright and gentle patting or rubbing will do the job, and 4oz is far too much milk for a baby of this age.

I remember that feeling of dreading the night so badly. I remember feeling like in your normal life, when things are stressful there’s an end-point to look forward to. Like bad day at work, you can look forward to going home/the weekend etc. Exhausted, you can look forward to going to bed. But I remember this really overwhelming moment when I first had my daughter where I realised there was no off shift?! And the night was as bad as the day, if not worse.

All I can say is that it does get easier. My daughter is 16 months now, and it is a long time since I last felt that real overwhelming hopelessness and panic. Yes there are still bad nights, but there are also good ones, and absolutely nothing like that first few weeks with a newborn. You will get through it.

Could I add that you don't have to be perfect. Society seems to place a huge burden on women to get everything right, and be perfect. Sometimes being good enough is OK. You can put your baby in a safe space and have a shower, your baby may well cry despite you doing everything 'right', no two babies are the same. Mine weren't, one had to be sleep trained, which I know is unpopular with some, the youngest slept well from the night he was born. I didn't do what other mothers did, because it didn't work for mine. Be kind to yourself, have a shower, nap when you can, eat healthily and if you are offered help, grab it with both hands. And try not to worry. If your baby is gaining weight, he's fine.

Yes you do need to hit babies to get their wind up, mine have never brought wind up from a gentle back rub 😂 I'm hardly saying to give them a whack but you're trying to dislodge gas, so you do need to do more than touch the baby.
And yes 4oz is on the big side but you can make up a 4oz bottle and then it keeps for 2hours so she wont be back and forth, the bottle will be available if baby is hungry again.

Honestly use some common sense.

In 20 years of breastfeeding support and two children of my own I have never had to do this. I’m using my common sense and years of training/experience.

Hi @Jennifer48 I think honestly a night nanny is the best bet as they can teach you how to wind correctly and also see if they think there is dairy intolerance going on here - as well as letting you get some sleep. I know you are in a small town but IME people in NI travel pretty easily.
Someone from Belfast might easily travel 2hrs maybe - and that covers a lot of NI.
Maybe reach out to this lady. Often if they can't do it they can recommend others.
Baby Guru NI https://www.thebabyguruni.com/

But honestly there is something else going on there - reflux, allergy / intolerance, colic. A baby shouldn't cry like that I don't think unless in pain when all other needs have been met.

I am sorry this is so so hard

Agree, if you can wind your baby with a gentle rub then you have an easily winded baby. Mine would hold onto gas like it was a precious commodity. Mostly we didn't manage to wind her at all, but if we did it was due to various bum twist, knee to ear type gymnastics, and was not easy!

I know this is a derail, but in 20 years surely you have come across a baby who isn't easily winded using a simple back rub?

There are LOTS of ways to wind a baby, from holding them upright against your chest/shoulder, rubbing, patting, wigging their bum in circles/side to side, tilting them to their left, and so on. None of these involve ‘hitting them pretty hard’

My winding tips - mine also held onto wind like mad when very tiny.

Use the heal of the hand to almost push the wind up their back
Lie them on your knee and bicycle their legs
Rubbing a fingertip round their mouths (no idea how that works)

Camomilla drops a midwife recommended these to me. A single drop on their tongue and you normally get a great burp

Sometimes light tapping does it. Sometimes quite vigorous rubbing.

Yes, I’ve known babies like this, and like you have used various patting, jiggling, and rotating type manoeuvres, not ‘hitting pretty hard’

I really feel for you. Have you got a health visitor you can discuss this all with?
I know it sounds a bit weird but what happens when you put him in the pram for a walk? One of mine was an horrific sleeper and I used to push him around until he fell asleep sometimes took ages or walk him in baby carrier until he dozed off then put him in Pram and leave him in the garden. The fresh air made him sleep much better.

20years of training and experience as a breastfeeder means absolutely nothing. All children are different, surely you should know that?

I'm not telling this woman to thump her child (which you know) I'm telling her that you need to sometimes hit harder than you would think. Was it my wording that is startling you, would you prefer "hard tap"? Give it a rest honestly. You dont have her child or my child and you dont get to act like the only person that's ever winded a child.
Everyone knows about all the wiggles and maneuvers to wind a baby, you can literally google them, you arent the only person to have figured this out. But for many babies a firmer hand is needed. Everyone else understood what I was saying

Sure. If you say so. I have seen people winding babies ‘very enthusiastically’ (not all breastfed) and had to show them gentler ways that are just as effective. But ok.

Agree, none of these involves hitting a baby hard!

Don’t know if you’re still reading these OP, but wanted to add my thoughts on a couple of things:

• although it’s definitely worth trying various winding techniques, some babies just are less able to burp! My eldest was in agony but never burped or farted in the early weeks! I didn’t understand people talking about their farting babies, and on the burping I just felt utterly useless. When I had my second baby (a much more ‘normal’ baby, who could and did burp and fart), it was cathartic to realise that those issues with my eldest really were not my fault.
• similarly the suggestion by a PP to do bicycle legs. No offence meant to that PP as I’m sure this must work for some babies - presumably the ones that are generally okay but just a bit uncomfortable- but it drove me mad when people suggested that with my first. For those that haven’t had a screaming, colicky, Velcro baby, then maybe it’s not obvious that a baby that IS those things really isn’t amenable to being put down on their backs and having their legs bicycled! DC1 screamed blue murder and thrashed her limbs around so much, there was no way that was happening!

More generally, said DC1 is I’m afraid still a poor sleeper, but even she is MUCH better than what you’re going through. So I am sure things will get better for you. But I also understand why it feels so horrendous right now; it is a form of trauma, and it might take you a long time to recover. But there will be brighter days again one day x

@Pomegranatemum Yes, I read all the comments!