Please help Newborn baby - I can't go on with no sleep.

[Jennifer48]

I am posting because my mental health is taking a battering due to sleep deprivation since I gave birth to my beautiful baby on 26 January. I have slept just a few scattered hours since then. The nights are excruciating: the baby doesn't sleep at nights, he certainly doesn't settle in the cot and just howls if he isn't at my breast/stomach or on a pillow in front of me, and obviously I can't sleep in that position.
I am, after a shaky start, breastfeeding him, which I am glad about, but if me getting sleep entails moving on to formula, I will do it but I want to make sure it will definitely result in my getting sleep because that's what's breaking me. I manage to express some milk but giving it to him at night does has no impact on the situation at all. His nappies and weight gain are all good and he is back at his birth weight so he is getting sufficient nutrition from the breast, but won't sleep anywhere other than against my chest, stomach or on a pillow in front of me for longer than five minutes- and obviously I can't fall asleep in that position. I hear parents talk about getting three or four hours or sleep with envy; I literally have got none the past two nights and was almost delirious, I nearly fell with him in my arms last night (thankfully I didn't).
I've heard that's not unusual for a baby not to stay in the cot but I've also heard this phase could go on for weeks or months.. but I am at breaking point now- imagining things, feeling extremely low. There is no joy in this.

OP been where you are. Use more formula. Get a baby swing for day time. It really is a game changer. Parenting is a marathon not a sprint and as you’re finding out, doubly hard on your own the books go out the window when faced with early days reality.

+Shout out to all the Mum’s who went through many a night/week/month/day year before the internet was a thing. That was in hindsight brutal as had no community to call on. 👏

OP I'm concerned that you're not even having time to put on your cream or change your pad.
Very kindly, it is ok to put down a crying baby for a short time so you can take care of your hygiene needs, have a quick shower, put your cream on. I know you don't want to "leave" them to cry, but equally if you know baby is fed, dry, clean nappy, warm, not in pain etc then it is fine to leave them in a safe place. Crying is horrible to hear but it won't harm your baby.

When I had my second, I once had to leave her in the cot crying her eyes out because my toddler had soiled themselves and needed sorting out. I had no choice as I was on my own, and the baby could be left safely but the toddler couldn't. It took about 10 minutes (I could head baby screaming in the cot). When I got back upstairs, baby had actually gone to sleep. It made me think more about how to cope with the crying for a bit, than about killing myself trying to always avoid them crying. Crying is their natural way of communicating - so it's not always a bad thing that they cry. If that makes sense.

@Jennifer48 After reading everything that you have written, I wonder if you have a baby prone to "purple crying" as it is called these days. Please have a look online and contact your health visitor ASAP. If she's any good, she may well be able to offer you some tips specifically for your baby, not generic. Also, consider seeing your GP to check if there is something that needs attention.

You have my sympathies. My first was like that and it was hell. The worst part was that no one believed us, or thought we were doing something wrong. It was just the baby and she grew out of it eventually, although it seemed like a lifetime at the time. I hope you find something that works for you (I just stayed in bed and fed) ❤️

I did that too, sometimes . It’s impossible not to if you have other toddlers.

Hi OP.
I hope youve managed to get some sleep.
I breastfed my first child - it felt like she didn’t stop crying for 3 months. Ironically, I switched fully to formula then.
We had a next to me crib which was easier to put my hand on her whilst she slept. Also heating the crib up with a hot water bottle and taking that out before placing baby in, helped sometimes. In terms of the crying, keep an eye out for signs of cows milk allergy.
and also I believe some cow and gate formula has been recalled, id double check that. Infacol helped a lot the first few months for my first.
But if it’s a ready made bottle, let the baby drink how much he’d like. Try to pace feed by stopping frequently and winding.

We all want to trouble shoot this and figure out what could be causing baby to cry so much. We did it ourselves when our babies were NB's. Let's not overlook the fact that some babies cry more often without any type of medical cause. Holding baby is sometimes all you can do when you've fed/changed/burped baby. I think OP has likely exhausted avenues by now and this phase will run its course. To keep looking for a cause is also exhausting and anxiety provoking.
Of course OP should have baby checked out to cover all the bases as well.
OP has her mum and a sister to lend a hand. She's exhausted, but doing brilliantly in very difficult circumstances.
No one should be cautioning OP about how she chooses to feed her baby. There is no right/wrong for her choice.
When you're in the trenches it's look after baby, take a good shower (make sure you thoroughly dry your nooks and crannies!) eat/drink and get back into bed with baby. Rinse. Repeat.

😂😂 my second baby is a dream and I keep telling people that I earnt this! 🤣 but it’s true what they say about it all being over by 6 months. and it’s true what you say about that feeling like an impossible task and not helpful - I felt like that.

If you can’t express enough then what about just a big bottle of formula? I’ve mix-fed my second with no issues.

maybe try another winding technique. Different things work for different babies.

also, have you sought any support for your mental health? Mothering can be soul destroying especially if you don’t have a huge network around you. Reach out to your GP?

Hoping you're managing to get a little sleep. If baby will sleep on a pillow in front of you, can you go with that and either sleep sitting up or wriggle down next to him once he's asleep. A pillow isn't a safe sleep surface but if you're doing it during the day your mum could stay in the room the whole time. Might help you just to get a few hours over the course of the day.

Hi OP, I just wanted to say that you will get through this, but that doesn’t mean you have to fight on your own.

What struck me in your most recent reply was that he has hiccups but isn’t really burping when you wind him - keep trying different methods because he probably does need a great big burp to start feeling better - also be wary of anyone telling you the ‘right’, ‘secret’ or ‘magic’ burp technique - not only are all babies different, but some methods will work at some times and then not at all at others, so have a variety of tricks up your sleeve to help. The most consistent one for my baby was “tiger in a tree”, which involves lying baby face down along your forearm and rubbing their back, but even that didn’t work a lot of the time. Other options that sometimes helped her included vigorous bouncing on my knee, a few minutes in a vibrating baby chair, or good old fashioned patting her bum while she’s over my shoulder. Giving baby regular breaks from feeding to burp can also stop too much gas building up as well.

If your baby is gaining weight effectively, then the feeding is working. I combi-fed mine after a week because she’d lost too much weight and that was what was making her cry so much (I thought she was feeding well but she was basically filling up on the lighter foremilk and not getting to the fatty hind milk), but once I got into the routine of what to feed her and when, she settled much better. If your baby is gaining weight, then don’t worry too much about whether you’re feeding from the breast, expressed or formula, because if he’s gaining, he’s fed.

Keep reaching out to your midwife (or health visitor if the midwives have already signed you off). This is what they are there for, and they can offer as much support as you need.

OP 25ml of formula is hardly anything. I stopped using 120ml bottles with dd2 at 2 weeks as she was taking up to 150ml. And was an average sized baby (7lb 14) and is now an average sized teen girl.

DP needs to hold baby while you sleep. Baby will go in cot soon but it will be a slow transition for short bursts if you keep trying. But someone needs to hold baby for a bit each day / night so you can actually get a chunk of sleep. Don’t give up on the BF yet. I have two EBF babies - first never slept woke two hourly until a year. I told everyone it was because she was BF. Second DC slept amazingly from day one also EBF. So it’s not the BF it’s just the baby x

The OP doesn't have a partner.

Agree -

To OP - you could keep throwing the kitchen sink at it, buy 100 different gadgets, and drive yourself into a torment wondering how to 'fix' this, but in the end, it might just be that the baby is brand new, and in a crying phase - it's just managing your own self care and sanity to get through it - nothing you're doing wrong.

You can see from the many posts that breastfeeding and formula babies both cry - any suggestion that either is a magical cure is purely anecdotal. 'Filling up' a baby to make them sleep might work, and it might not. Didn't ever work for me.

Babies wake and cry for much more complex reasons than hunger, and it's a protective factor at this age - it would be highly unusual to have very long periods of sleep (several hours) - though of course, there will be some babies that do sleep a long time from the get go (these are honestly rare though - I think one of the worst myths new parents hear is that long sleep is the norm and that anything else is problematic)

Burping - same. Some babies seem to need burping - others don't need it at all (2 of mine never burped, 1 had reflux and needed to be help upright for ages after a feed)

The problem here is that you're exhausted. Know that you have a community here and at home (your sister and your mum). Snatch rest while you can, drink cups of tea, and eat all the chocolate. Be open with those around you (family, health visitors) about how you're feeling - baby blues, and the more serious PND is very real and messes with our thoughts and sense of self.

Its so tough OP, many sympathies.

I have read the whole thread but I gave DD a bottle at around 11pm then breast fed the rest of the time, it normally meant DD would sleep for a 3-4 hour stretch which kept me sane and didnt seem to affect BF too much.

I hope its got better the in days since you've first posted.

There was a piece on Women's Hour this morning about the crisis in maternal mental health and this thread illustrates one of the reasons perfectly.
This new mum is on her knees and struggling, yet the advice - over and over again - is be led by your baby, co-sleep (even though the OP has said she doesn't want to) and be prepared to not sleep yourself so you baby can feed all night.
I suggested an alternative to this baby-led mantra which is deeply unfashionable now but was absolutely commonplace in years gone by - that she tries putting the baby down in its crib in a dark room and see how it goes. It can't get any worse, to be frank.
As I expected, I was torn apart (I think barbaric was used) because it's not the 'done thing' nowadays and 'research'. However I note that co-sleeping has always been recommended by MN posters even before it was 'allowed', so tend to take the angst and terror over letting the baby sleep alone with a pinch of salt as it seems that research is only relevant when you agree with it.
It's what I would be doing, and indeed did after fewer awful nights than the OP has endured.

You really sound at the end of your rope. I'm so sorry that you don't have more help.

Yes to giving more formula, some babies are very hungry. Yes to effective winding, mine worked best draped tummy over my thigh, please look up different methods as back patting/rubbing is not always effective. And infacol can help too.

But he does sound like he may have reflux and/or a tongue tie. Mine had both. Tongue tie was noticed by my delivering midwife. Was cut by a practitioner in the next village, just working from her house. She did two cuts over a couple of weeks. It really helped, but he still had reflux and hated being flat. Do you have anyone near you, can you do a Google? Just get a second opinion. At least you'll know.

You'll be just too exhausted to even put this into practice right now, can your sister be of more practical help at this stage finding someone, driving you there?

Please don't just leave your baby to cry for long periods alone as PP suggests is ok, he's too young. He's clearly very uncomfortable and it needs to be addressed.

Sending love.

Thing is, several posters have said how co sleeping made their life much easier. Certainly did for me - overnight at least. The pair of us barely woke up.

Having said that, I was never unwilling to let my babies have a little cry if I was on the loo or having a quick shower. Fairly pragmatic, and never to the point where they became hysterical. And my youngest was best swaddled and left in peace in a darkened room and she'd settle much more quickly than she did in my arms.

Unfortunately things seems to have gone completely mad, online at least, where parents ( and let's face it, the mothers) must never leave the room the baby is in at all, ever.

I agree with you that there is a worrying trend towards actively making parents feel they need to make completely martyrs of themselves.

The biggest risk to babies are sleeping on their fronts, and allowing them to get too hot. The rest, like insisting that pregnant women lie on this side or that, and not being allowed to follow their instincts, is crazy. It's also incredibly tough without family and peer support.

oh poor you, it sounds so tough.

it is very hard when your baby is crying, impossible really, but honestly you CAN leave him for few minutes while you change your pad! or even take a 5 min shower.

At this stage I wouldn't spend money on gadgets but find a maternity nurse or night nanny, these are specific nannies that help short term with a baby overnight. You can just have 1-2 nights of rest and maybe that's all you need fo for now to recharge (given they are expensive it can be worth it). You'll need to give him more bottle but IT IS OKAY.

Some of them help establishing a routine and it sometimes helps even with velcro babies.
It does get better.
sending you virtual hugs.

I'd like to find a night nanny but Im afraid I love in a small town of 15000 people in Northern Ireland, there don't seem to be any nannies in my small town. And living with my mum in her house, she's reticent to let anyone in. My mum doesn't have any friends over or a cleaner in her house. If I could find a good night nanny and insisted, I think she'd relent, but as I said, small town - a search didn't bring up any result.

To those who mentioned a dairy intolerance: I have been eating a low dairy diet since I left hospital on Tuesday 2 Feb. That is to say, oat milk in decaf tea and decaf coffee, no cheese, coconut yoghurt instead of dairy yoghurt, but I do still eat milk chocolate and biscuits and pastries containing dairy.

@Lillers Thank you for the tips on winding baby as I don't really have a clue!

@ThisRedZebra and @Unorganisedchaos2 thank you for your thoughtful responses...

I just can't wait for the day when I am not dreading going to bed because I'm too terrified to go to sleep in case I hear that cry....

OP if it's a dairy intolerance you need to cery strictly cut out dairy for weeks to see a real difference.

You need to hit the babys back pretty hard to get wind up, a gentle rub isnt going to do a thing. Theres lots of different ways to do it as well.

Do bicycle legs etc look up winding babies.

And at this point I'd be giving a nice big bottle, just make a bottle of 4oz or so and see how baby gets on. You can keep breastfeeding and once you are getting more sleep you can phase out formula if you want.

Also on fb there is a group

Baby hub ni

Its got women from all over NI so someone will know if theres a night nanny near you

@HK04 How was a baby swing a game changer, please? Do you have one you'd recommend?

I used one, too! It was under $100CAD, vibrated, played music and also a swing.
There's a tonne on Amazon.
search: vibrating baby swing chair