Please help Newborn baby - I can't go on with no sleep.

[Jennifer48]

I am posting because my mental health is taking a battering due to sleep deprivation since I gave birth to my beautiful baby on 26 January. I have slept just a few scattered hours since then. The nights are excruciating: the baby doesn't sleep at nights, he certainly doesn't settle in the cot and just howls if he isn't at my breast/stomach or on a pillow in front of me, and obviously I can't sleep in that position.
I am, after a shaky start, breastfeeding him, which I am glad about, but if me getting sleep entails moving on to formula, I will do it but I want to make sure it will definitely result in my getting sleep because that's what's breaking me. I manage to express some milk but giving it to him at night does has no impact on the situation at all. His nappies and weight gain are all good and he is back at his birth weight so he is getting sufficient nutrition from the breast, but won't sleep anywhere other than against my chest, stomach or on a pillow in front of me for longer than five minutes- and obviously I can't fall asleep in that position. I hear parents talk about getting three or four hours or sleep with envy; I literally have got none the past two nights and was almost delirious, I nearly fell with him in my arms last night (thankfully I didn't).
I've heard that's not unusual for a baby not to stay in the cot but I've also heard this phase could go on for weeks or months.. but I am at breaking point now- imagining things, feeling extremely low. There is no joy in this.

I'm sorry OP, how hard it as been. I had a very fussy newborn and exclusively BF until 8 months. Regret it because I think the baby was just hungry and always cluster feeding. I can’t see how a mix of BF and formula would have been a problem. If I had my time again I’d do it.

Secondly, do you know about Infacol? It can relive gassy symptoms in babies and it saved my life pretty much in regards to reducing fussy behaviour after feeding. I wish someone had told me about it as it took me ages to be aware of it (as a new mum and no experience with babies beforehand).

Finally, my work put together a hamper and in one of them was a rocker where the baby would be placed in and rock rock rock to white noise. Then I would move the baby to the bassinet.

I hope something works soon, OP.

Was in the same situation with twins and it went on for months and months, so awful, I completely feel for you. No one will agree with me but what worked for me was an Owlet. With the Owlet on I didn't worry so much about co sleeping or falling asleep with them lying on my chest. The other thing we had, v controversial, was a red castle Cocoonababy. With luck I was sometimes able to put them down in that and they didn't immediately startle reflex. It was a complete lifesaver. Nothing else ever worked. I wouldn't have felt comfortable using it at night without the Owlet, but with, it was the right choice for us. And btw you're not doing anything wrong, my third baby just slept and made it all look so easy, those people getting three/four hour sleeps have babies made of different stuff to yours and my twins and they will never understand what you mean when you say "no sleep". Sending strength to you.

I did, too. Baby tightly swaddled laying on my chest down centre. Pillows propped me up to semi recline. A pillow either side tightly tucked against my body to rest my arms on. Hands on baby.
We never moved during sleep, but this was before baby could roll and I tend not to move when asleep anyway.
I could never manage baby beside me, though. For us, that was less safe.

So sorry you're going through this- nothing prepares you for how bad sleep can be to start with.
It may have been suggested but please look at Happy Cosleeper on Instagram/Facebook, she has loads of info on evidence based bed sharing/co-sleeping, including chest sleeping to do it as safely as possible. It can be very normal for babies to only sleep that way to start with.
It could also be worth looking into reflux/silent reflux if your baby is in discomfort.

If you want to give formula then that's okay, but there is no evidence it helps babies sleep longer, and adding it in may in fact make more work for you with sterilising, making up bottles.

Are there any breastfeeding support groups near you, you could go to for some moral support and advice?

To add- I've seen others say they did it but please don't swaddle whilst bed sharing and chest sleeping, babies need their arms and legs free to be able to push away if they need to, and hands/arms out also help with breastfeeding.

www.instagram.com/p/DURGCVtEYaw/?img_index=1&igsh=M2IzYzlhODl6Mzd6

I resorted to co sleeping (see pic for the position) then worked on getting him to sleep without me using shh pat (https://mysleepingbaby.com/the-shh-pat-sleep-training-method/) which wasn’t instant but worked within a few weeks.

I also bought a nest that is open on the side and worked on moving him into that so he was still right next to me but not in same bed which made me feel safer about the co- sleeping. This was incremental but a life saver.

Here the pic as it wouldn’t load on previous post.

Good luck.

First, you WILL get through this, I promise. Secondly, of course he cries when he's away from you. That's evolutionary adaptation. Babies alone can't defend themselves. When my boys were little I co-slept with them. Just make sure anyone in the bed hasn't had alcohol, taken sleeping pills, or drugs. You need sleep and if that's how it happens, so be it.

https://www.cry-sis.org.uk

I'm sorry you're going through this. It is absolutely horrendous and reading this made my blood run cold thinking back to these times. I also like another poster started hallucinating about spiders and whenever I was about to drift off to sleep I would hear doors slamming.
My first was formula fed but still a terrible sleeper for ages, it got better with a dummy and I now think he had reflux and I regret not getting this looked into. Does yours have any reflux signs?

My baby also did not like his bed, so we ended up getting a purflo and putting this in the next to me with the love to dream swaddles which swaddles your baby in the arms up position so they can self soothe. Some white noises have the shh noise which mimics the inside of the womb sounds which can work better than the general white noise sound.

I think there is too much pressure to enjoy the newborn stage like it's some lovely period of time, which for me it wasn't with my first. I started thinking of it like a thing to survive and putting plans and strategies in place for this. Your mum could take baby in the morning if she struggles at night so you have a chunk of sleep to look forward to after a bad night? She will have to deal with a bit of whinging and do baby wearing or take her for a walk to settle them. Do you have good friends you trust? No one wants to impose but if a friend put on our group chat they were hanging on by a thread and asking who could come over for some baby watching shifts we would all give the days and times we could do an want to help.

Obviously co sleeping is not for everyone and I’m aware that it’s not often recommended by healthcare workers in the UK.

However I was in your position once, I was at breaking point - my baby would only sleep if she was on me regardless of what we tried. I spoke to the community nurse who told me to go with it - that many, many other countries/ cultures do it and have co slept with their babies for centuries. It was an absolute game changer for me and I did it from day 1 with my second baby to. If done safely - Google for the latest advice on how to co-sleep in the safest way - it can be wonderful.

I had a baby like this and the only way through it was to co sleep, I actually learnt to feed on my side and could doze during feeds. You need to co sleep safely and follow the guidelines about not having duvet on baby etc.

my poor sleeper turned out to be gluten intolerant when she weaned and I always wish I’d cut it from my diet when feeding her but I didn’t know. So I’d suggest a food diary if some nights are better than others- just to see if there is pattern.

you are still really early days. Yes some kids are terrible sleepers and you may have this for a while. But there is still improvement and things you can do to cope. Dedicate a few days to getting as much sleep as you can around baby. No housework, no going out, just napping as much as you can. Will you mum take baby for a walk in the buggy between daytime feeds?

get dr appointment for baby, consider reflux, allergies, make sure it’s not a medical thing.

Not to be overlooked:

The 4th trimester is the critical 12-week (3-month) postpartum period immediately following childbirth, during which both the newborn and parents adjust to life outside the womb. It involves intense physical, emotional, and hormonal changes for the mother, including healing, fatigue, and potential mental health adjustments.

Key aspects of the 4th trimester include:
For the Baby: A transition period requiring close proximity, warm environments, and care that mimics the womb to help them adapt.

For the Mother: A time of significant recovery, including hormonal shifts, healing from childbirth, and initiating breastfeeding.

Support: This phase is often overlooked but requires significant support for the parents as they navigate new routines, sleep deprivation, and potential "baby blues".

The concept emphasizes that babies are born "too soon" and need continued, intense nurturing for the first three months of life.

Co-sleeping and feeding lying down was all I could manage for months.
Moved DD onto bottles which did not help at all with her sleeping. She still woke up all through the night. Wouldn't take a dummy.

I'd carry on breastfeeding if I were you but do it lying down.

My little boy screamed day and night and only slept if he was laying on my chest on his belly I never thought I would have co slept I was so terrified of it with my first baby I never done it, but with my little boy I had to sleep somehow, I broke down to my gp and she told me what is more unsafe letting him sleep on your chest or you not sleeping at all sometimes you need to do anything to get a bit of sleep just do it as safely as possible I used to prop myself up in bed and have him on my chest the sleep quality wasn’t great but it was something. This went on for a few months but gradually got better and better and we were able to get him sleeping in his next to me for short periods by 3 months old the gp put him on nutramigen for a milk allergy and this helped a bit but he still screamed so much he didn’t see the dietician until 6 months old and she changed him to neocate and by 7 months old he was completely different baby . I am truly traumatised by his early days and don’t know how I made it through but I did, eventually sleep just got better and better and life became easier this won’t last forever for you but please consider co sleeping in the safest way you can you need rest and sometimes we have to just do whatever we can to get it.

That stresses her out because he's crying for me, even if only using my boob as a pacifier

Sorry if it seems obvious but assuming you have tried a dummy/pacifier? All of mine used them for sleep, and was no issue. A few just needed it to go off to sleep, when asleep and dummy fell out of mouth, they kept sleeping. Others, when dummy fell out they learnt to put it back in themselves in their sleep around 3 month mark, and I had a lone ranger who used dummy for sleep until around 6 weeks when they discovered a magical thing called a thumb. That was pretty bad as most of mine gave up dummy early (and was only used for sleep, not when awake), but the one with the thumb didn’t give that up with sleep until around 13/14yo. If worse comes to worse and babies get too old for it, you can take away dummy but you can’t take away the thumb!

@Mumtobabyhavoc What did I say the newborn needs to learn exactly?

I was sharing my experience of coping with sleeping with a newborn and what my desperation was that led me to do at 3.5 months. I’m not looking for any judgement. I can count on one hand the number of night wakings I’ve had with my 14 month old in the last 11 months.

What tips that worked for you do you have for this mum to cope that you are willing to share - I think that’s what she’s looking for, not your opinion of what others have done….

My sister used to constantly complain about how tired she was and how she was up all night comfort (breast) feeding. I suggested she give her baby formula in a bottle. She refused. She complained that she always had to be near her baby. I suggested she give her baby formula in a bottle and she refused - saying her baby would never take it.

My other sister ended up babysitting regularly. She brought a tiny tin of formula and a bottle with her in case the baby was hungry while her mother was away. The baby drank the formula.

When I had my own baby it was very very clear he was hungry. I gave him formula. I still breast fed him. But he could sleep for stretches of time if he wasn’t hungry. He actually drank more than the nurses in the hospital said he could drink.

Maybe your baby has colic. Maybe they are hungry.

Prepare a bottle of formula. Swaddle your baby and place them gently in their crib. Have a hot shower and when you get out give your baby the bottle. They will go to sleep and you will go to sleep. You will get enough sleep to put you into REM. Then wake up and prepare another bottle.

When my baby was a newborn he would scream for hours. I was by myself and realised I couldn’t care for my baby if I wasn’t caring for myself. I swaddled and put my baby in their cradle while I had a shower. Often they settled while I was in the shower.

If you’re exhausted and upset then the safest thing you can do is put your baby down safely and come back and try again to settle them.

You need to take care of yourself and you need sleep.

You are spot on with this response. As a mother of 4 (with 6.5 years between them) all of the above were invaluable strategies for coping. All my kids were BF (no formula) btw. Both I and my husband worked full time while all this was going on, apart from my maternity leave (where I basically was still working from home anyway, due to the nature of my job).
Our kids are young adults now, but both I and my husband still have sleep issues, probably stemming from back then…. !
All I can say is that you do whatever works to get through it. It’s not easy! Good luck!

I also co-slept and it was the best decision for me. I breastfed which meant I could feed baby with minimal disruption. I got way more sleep and my baby was more settled, he didn’t even have to cry for food as I was right there so could hear as soon as he stirred.

I have 4 children and did this from day 1 with children 2-4. My first baby I battled with the cot and lack of sleep but did eventually give up and co sleep!

For me, there was never an issue moving them
back into their cots. Just happened naturally when they were slightly older and sleeping though the night (all under 1 year old). They all sleep great now and I think having calm, peaceful nights really helped in the early days.

Hi op, congratulations to you for your beautiful little baby. Solidarity to you for the tough early days.

Seems like you’ve had some good suggestions with your mum holding the baby during the day while you get a sleep etc, I hope this helps soon. It’s very early days and still new for you both but perhaps as time goes on she might get confident with using a bottle too, once she has watched you etc too.

I’ve included a link for a swaddle blanket set, as a possible suggestion. My little one had a strong Moro reflex when they were young which causes them to startle and wake up. We used to swaddle him with these sleeping bags in the early days before he could roll, which definitely helped him get longer stretches of sleep and help him feel secure. You can also swaddle using a large muslin blanket too, if you watched some videos on you tube and didn’t want to splash out on new things until you know if they work.

The link shows ones with Velcro and zips at the bottom so that you can still change their nappy etc. when it’s night time without removing the whole bag. https://amzn.eu/d/0a8WKCzq

As others have said, this WILL pass and longer stretches will happen too soon as he gets a bit older. Xx

Have you got Instagram? Look at HappyCoSleeper - she has some great tips on safe co sleeping and just had another baby herself so is posting about how to get sleep. Don’t follow advice on here (seen some unsafe cosleeping posts) but could look at lullaby trust too.

perhaps if you can sleep in the day while baby naps - even if baby is on you, perhaps then your Mum can watch you both to ensure it’s safe if you’re worried but you’ll both get sleep.

it DOES get easier, promise

https://www.lullabytrust.org.uk/baby-safety/safer-sleep-information/co-sleeping/

This will save you! They dont want to sleep alone unfortunately- completely normal but knackering. Wouldn't bother with formula, everyone kept suggesting that to me and makes no difference. Xx

There are a lot of replies here and I haven't read them all, but I just wanted to say that my baby would not be put down AT ALL for sleep. Initially we took turns holding her and sleeping but I appreciate this isn't possible for you as a single mum. In the end we looked into safe co- sleeping (Lullaby Trust can help you with this) and once we started doing that we all got some rest. Some babies just like to be next to you/feel your body and hear your heart I think. I was really surprised that our little next to me bed wasn't close enough for her but honestly it was like she just wanted to crawl back inside the womb 😂 xxx