Please help Newborn baby - I can't go on with no sleep.

[Jennifer48]

I am posting because my mental health is taking a battering due to sleep deprivation since I gave birth to my beautiful baby on 26 January. I have slept just a few scattered hours since then. The nights are excruciating: the baby doesn't sleep at nights, he certainly doesn't settle in the cot and just howls if he isn't at my breast/stomach or on a pillow in front of me, and obviously I can't sleep in that position.
I am, after a shaky start, breastfeeding him, which I am glad about, but if me getting sleep entails moving on to formula, I will do it but I want to make sure it will definitely result in my getting sleep because that's what's breaking me. I manage to express some milk but giving it to him at night does has no impact on the situation at all. His nappies and weight gain are all good and he is back at his birth weight so he is getting sufficient nutrition from the breast, but won't sleep anywhere other than against my chest, stomach or on a pillow in front of me for longer than five minutes- and obviously I can't fall asleep in that position. I hear parents talk about getting three or four hours or sleep with envy; I literally have got none the past two nights and was almost delirious, I nearly fell with him in my arms last night (thankfully I didn't).
I've heard that's not unusual for a baby not to stay in the cot but I've also heard this phase could go on for weeks or months.. but I am at breaking point now- imagining things, feeling extremely low. There is no joy in this.

A few things to try which worked for me;
Making sure baby is properly winded
Reflux might be an issue. A raised sleeping position in a donut shape (towels rolled up under the cot sheet) so head is slightly raised helped a lot.
Having cot or Moses basket right by the bed and holding baby's hand while sleeping
Safe cosleeping. I was terrified of smothering so removed all pillows, had a firm mattress (you can even put the mattress on the floor) and just light blankets. Might have to keep room warm.
Sleeping during the day when mum or a friend looks after baby.

I can’t not comment cos I have been there it was my fourth child after 3 I thought I knew the drill but she was something else. I continued to breastfeed but to cope through the really bad days I used to go to bed at 8 snd my husband had her downstairs till about 12-1 gave her a bottle which didn’t always make her sleep it’s just she was away from her and I got a least 4 hours unbroken then I would get maybe another 3 or 4 but very broken until the morning. She had tounge tie snd an immature gut which just meant she was often uncomfortable it got a lot better after 6-8 weeks but a long time to diagnose. Lots of luck it is so hard you need sleep xx

My first was like this but I was able to stick with breastfeeding in the end.
The things that helped were co-sleeping and learning to feed in side lie position. These things may be your friend here. If you do this, follow the safe co-sleeping rules. Japanese women have high levels of co-sleeping but very low risk of SIDS.because they know how to do it safely. In the UK they discourage it strongly, and in fact deaths from co-sleeping are more likely due to accidental co-sleeping where people aren't following the safe co-sleeping rules. If baby can't lie down, or is very uncomfortable, consider reflux.

You are in survival mode with a very new baby. Your house doesn't have to be clean, you don't even have to wash very often if you can't. Your baby may only need a wipe down and a baby bath once a week. Your only job at this stage is to make sure you eat, drink, meet baby's basic needs and sleep every moment you get an opportunity. Would one of those rockit devices for a pram help? I know it can be painful to hand a new baby over but do you have anyone at all who can take baby for a walk in a pram (even if they're screaming all the way) just to give you a moment's headspace?

If this is your first baby, you may be struggling with huge feelings of guilt and regret right now. You may feel trapped and like things will never get better. They do. Slowly but surely things will improve. Remember babies are all different. Just because one mother has a perfect routine and a perfectly sleeping baby doesn't mean she is a perfect mother. All babies are different and some are just easier than others. It doesn't define their later personality (my hardgoing baby girl grew into a lovely confident 8 year old). She nearly broke me as a baby - I was hallucinating from sleep deprivation.

If you are really feeling in crisis, speak to the health visitors /GP and they can help. It's not a failure to do so - early parenthood can be excruciatingly hard (with some babies colic, tongue tie, reflux etc can all contribute) and it is an expected time for parents to really struggle.

I switched to FF for this reason. I'm not saying it's a magic bullet but means someone else can help while you sleep. My dad was retired and would come and do an afternoon shift where I got a decent nap for a few hours. Husband would do everything from 5am - 8am. At its worst it gave me 2x 3hr blocks of sleep.

Hello! You absolutely can sleep with your baby on your chest! I did it with both my babies. There are ways to make it safe. Middle of the bed, you propped up at an angle with pillows. This lady is an expert and can explain it all properly. https://www.instagram.com/p/CwVmwblvlPB/?igsh=MWxhem1qZWozN2htcA== good luck! Its so so hard but chest sleeping saved me from sleepless despair

Dear OP,
I didn't want to read and run, but I am sure my advice will only echo others on here and not be particularly original:
Firstly, congratulations 🎉 I hope that besides the sleep issue, you are well and it sounds as though your little one is thriving ❤️
My daughter (now just turned 3) struggled desperately with night time sleeping.
I followed safe co-sleeping methods. It was just us in the bed, and I slept in warm clothes/thick socks so that I didn't need a duvet and I did allow myself a pillow, but that was the only one on the bed and I slept on the edge of it. This helped my daughter manage longer stretches of sleep - they weren't huge, but they were better.
I also used to hold her hand while we slept. I don't know if there is any backing to that, but I was calmer for keeping that contact, and she liked to squeeze my finger and when she woke it was less of a howl? I don't know. Maybe the sleep deprivation made me imagine it, but things felt calmer for both of us.
These early weeks are so hard, they can feel impossible.
You can do this.
You will get through it.
You are doing so well.
❤️❤️

Sorry bean bag is the worst option

Look up the safe sleep 7 and if you have no risk factors cosleeping is considered safe. You can breastfeed lying on your side and sleep while the baby feeds, this is easier than having to get up and make a bottle which may or may not make a difference. You are still in the trenches and I promise you will sleep again

May sound abit strange but have you tried a fleece sleep suit - I honestly swore by these in the colder months, it wasnt feeding that was causing my baby to be awake it was being warm and cozy (currently getting that from your chest) once I put the zipper fleece sleep suit (I used to get from next baby) they slept so much better and I wasnt worried about to many blankets or suffocation etc.. as it was a safe sleep suit

I co slept with both of mine.
No pillows, no duvet, just a blanket.
Google safe co sleeping positions.
take care!

Try these type sleep suits

I did co-sleeping, it worked, it meant I got some sleep, and DS was happy because he was near me. (Single mum.) I did it the 'wrong' way, but it's what worked for us.

This is absolutely brutal and you must be feeling so unwell right now. Sleep deprivation is torture, then having to carry on and care for a tiny human when all you want to do is curl up in a ball and sleep. I really hope you manage to find a solution from some of these comments, it’s so rough when it’s like this :(

My 1st born was like this. Refused to go in his cot and when I did manage to get him in it, he’d be screaming again within minutes. Adding in cluster feeding, I’m surprised I didn’t go insane.

What I found that worked was putting the Moses basket in his cot. I thought maybe the cot felt like such a big space after he’d been tucked up in my uterus. I got an arms up swaddle so he was restricted with movement, but not too tightly swaddled. It dampened down the morrow reflex (or party arms as i called them) enough that it didn’t wake him. White noise helped too.

When transferring to his cot, I put him down on his side first, bum down, then head, waited whilst keeping my hands on him, then gently rolled him on to his back. If he even detected the change in atmosphere or the whiff of his Moses basket, his eyes would ping open.

He also had colic too, which made daytime naps unless contact naps borderline impossible. I added baby probiotics into expressed milk and that did improve his symptoms and his sleep.

Don’t get me wrong, he didn’t end up sleeping for several hours but it upped it from an absolute max of 30mins to up to 2hrs! That first night I woke up feeling like a new woman!

It’s very hard on you op,
baby doesn’t know anything else but you as of yet. You will find your routine.
I slept with a big cushion behind me so I was half sitting up and DS slept on me for the 1st year as that’s the way we both could sleep. Have you been able to look into the cribs that att to the side of the bed, baby is close to you but you both have your space.

The first 3 months are a bit of a nightmare, do you have family who can help?! I was breastfeeding but my DH used to stay up with me till 12 am. Then he slept and I stayed up with the baby till 5am. Then my mum would wake up and take the baby and send me to sleep. Since baby used to nurse alot at night she slept on mums chest for 3hrs in the morning. I used to wake at 8am and mum would make me breakfast while I fed baby. Then i would go back to sleep while DH kept baby. And we just kept passing her around. When ever she needed feeding I did have to wake but they used to give me atleast 2 hr stretches to sleep. My DD had reflux so was a nightmare as a baby. Eventually once she reached 3 months we started co-sleeping. As a baby since she was classed a tiny baby I was too scared to have her in bed until she hit 3 months.

I cannot recommend co-sleeping enough, especially for a single mother. It's possible to sleep feed baby after a few weeks and it helps teach the difference between day and night. With such a new baby, have a 'babymoon'. Do as little as possible, just feed yourself and the baby, stay in your pyjamas and sleep as much as you can until you've caught up.

Both mine co-slept and honestly, I don't remember it being a bad habit. They moved to their own beds when they were ready and learned to come to us if they needed in the night (they got in at the bottom of the bed and even brought a pillow with them. Duvets without top sheets are ideal for that!). There was very little co-sleeping once they reached 5 or so.

Hello OP
I also couldn't read and run without posting. My kids are adults now but I recall the sheer desperation of sleep deprivation..

And mine weren't as bad as you are experiencing and I had a partner
I am not an expert on co sleeping. I am not going to give advice there. And I was lucky enough to feed both of mine to early toddler level. Noting I said lucky. Its really not all smooth sailing or anything to feel morally superior about.
On balance I would say..
Set yourself a firm time limit to try all the co sleeping options mentioned. During this time totally look after yourself. Pull in all support you can to sleep in the day to get yourself some sleep and help you through the nights. This is 100% about getting YOU through it in the hope of finding a new way

After this time limit, if things still aren't working then switch tactics. If that involves stopping bf then so be it. You tried. End of. Believe me there are sooooooo many other things that are important to your child's well being over their life.Some you'll fail , many you'll ace. Don't judge yourself on just one element. Just do what's bedt 4 u all
Best wishes

your baby wants to co sleep. i went through what you went through and ended up co sleeping. it’s for the best and it’s how nature intends it too.

just read up on how to do it safely. it’s not dangerous if you are sensible about it.

Ok so my DD would only sleep on my chest, with me sitting semi upright.

She wouldn’t sleep next to me let alone in crib.

I managed to figure out a way to prop myself up with pillows behind me and under my elbows for support, her on my chest and my hands locked across her bum. I could just about sleep like that, quite lightly but still. I slept in a cardigan with duvet over my legs only and she was in a babygro and sleep sack not under anything. This is definitely not a safe advised sleeping position but frankly I decided it was safer than me being a zombie all day and risking dropping her or similar.

She had terrible issues with wind, which is probably why she couldn’t settle except on me, and it turned out she had tongue tie. Is there any sign of that with your baby? Sore or squashed nipples, clicking sounds, coming off during feeds? Unfortunately NHS are mostly useless on tongue tie, it does need a private lactation consultant to check properly.
Another possibility is reflux especially if your baby is unsettled when awake or if lying down causes distress.

I could have written this myself 3 years ago.

A little tip which uou might not have been aware of: when expressing milk to feed your baby at night, DON'T give milk expressed during the day. Breast milk is a living substance which changes and adapts to your environment, and that of your baby.

At night, your milk contains hormones which make your baby sleepy. Those hormones are lacking during the day.

Milk at night > designed to help baby sleep
Milk during the day > designed to help support baby's development etc

Milk expressed during the day is best served during the day. Conversely, milk expressed at night will help with sleep, so feed nighttime milk only.

Your baby is tiny and very new. Little ones cluster feed enough to send you crazy. When my son was a few weeks old, I had to undergo a psychiatric assessment as I was showing signs of postpartum psychosis. I wasn't psychotic. I was diagnosed with delirium due to lack of sleep. It is SERIOUS and you NEED to find a way of sleeping which your baby is temporarily in the care of a trusted adult.

Look up Happy cosleeper on Facebook. You can sleep with baby on your chest.

In an ideal world would baby sleep in a cot? Yes. Mine didn't. Mine didnt sleep more than 20 min at a time until 4 months old. Lots of people told me to give baby formula but it turned out was actually CMPA so formula would have made it WORSE! Formula does not 'fix' all sleep issues.

I ended up reasoning intentional cosleeping following all guidelines was infinitely safer than me falling asleep behind the wheel of the car, or holding baby on the sofa or an accident happening involving the baby because I was so tired I was delirious.

See if grandma can give you rest in the day. Look up guidelines to safely cosleep.

Have not read the whole thread but just wanted to say that I combination fed both my babies and it was fine, they happily took both. If you can get someone else to do one feed at night with formula then you could sleep then. I would say just give the baby as much as they will drink during that feed. Maybe one in the day too.

Also as you don't have a partner - I spent a couple of nights staying with my in laws and they assisted with the nights when I was really suffering from the lack of sleep. Similarly when my friend was in this situation I stayed with her for a night and spent it up with the baby while she slept. Even one night makes a big difference.

Poor you I had two like this and it's just so hard. Will he settle sucking on a clean little finger? I used to give him to my DH at 7- 8 and he'd sit with baby on his chest sucking on his finger until he slept. Both of mine would only sleep held, turns out both had reflux. Maybe your mum could hold him in the evenings and settle with finger/ pacifier, gentle walking so you can get a few hours sleep during the early part of the night. Have you tried swaddling? You just have to get sleep anyway you can. Reach out to health visitor/ breastfeeding support/ GP/other mums. Careful he's not overstimulated during the day and manages some sleep or he'll be overtired which makes it all harder. It does get easier but the newborn period is about survival.

Didn't want to read and run - sleep deprivation is the pits. I'm in the co-sleeping camp (following guidance) based on my experience of being driven to co-sleeping through desperation with my first (lack of knowledge/experience having lead me to try and avoid it initially). With my second, I set up to co-sleep from the start, and it was a much more positive experience.

If you can muster up the energy, I would possibly try to get to a feeding group/baby group. I found that being around other people who were in the doldrums of night cluster feeds and sleep deprivation at least made me feel less alone and that it wasn't just me doing it wrong.

Good luck, I hope you find something that works for you and let's you get some more rest.

Please call your health visitor, you're so early into it and they are there to support you.

If baby is happy to go with your mum during wake windows in the day or out for a walk in the pram, use that time to get some sleep.

One bit of good advice is to cuddle up with their sheet or sleeping bag so they have your scent all around them