Please help Newborn baby - I can't go on with no sleep.

[Jennifer48]

I am posting because my mental health is taking a battering due to sleep deprivation since I gave birth to my beautiful baby on 26 January. I have slept just a few scattered hours since then. The nights are excruciating: the baby doesn't sleep at nights, he certainly doesn't settle in the cot and just howls if he isn't at my breast/stomach or on a pillow in front of me, and obviously I can't sleep in that position.
I am, after a shaky start, breastfeeding him, which I am glad about, but if me getting sleep entails moving on to formula, I will do it but I want to make sure it will definitely result in my getting sleep because that's what's breaking me. I manage to express some milk but giving it to him at night does has no impact on the situation at all. His nappies and weight gain are all good and he is back at his birth weight so he is getting sufficient nutrition from the breast, but won't sleep anywhere other than against my chest, stomach or on a pillow in front of me for longer than five minutes- and obviously I can't fall asleep in that position. I hear parents talk about getting three or four hours or sleep with envy; I literally have got none the past two nights and was almost delirious, I nearly fell with him in my arms last night (thankfully I didn't).
I've heard that's not unusual for a baby not to stay in the cot but I've also heard this phase could go on for weeks or months.. but I am at breaking point now- imagining things, feeling extremely low. There is no joy in this.

Try swaddling and also co-sleeping. Co-sleeping can be done safely.

This is the part that is really, really hard with a baby. You are on your knees from lack of sleep, and it won't get better for a few weeks.

You need someone to do everything else that gets done in the home until at least the eight week point. That person needs to take on the entire burden of running the house and feeding everyone in it. No asking you if you are running low on toilet paper, etc.

Those first few weeks are so tough, you never imagine how tired you could feel. Make sure you're eating enough in the day to help your mood & energy levels & baby is getting nutritient dense milk from you. Your day js just to feed your baby, thats all you need to do - forget anything else.

They just want to be near/on you 24/7 in those first 6 weeks id say - its easier to accept that as fact.

I had my second in a heatwave & spend days on end in bed with curtains closed, i felt like i was in solitary confinement.

Mindset is a powerful thing, accepting the current days wont last too long & know that it won't always be as hard as it is right now, it does get easier.

It may be worth a trip to see your doctor if you're feeling extremely low. Sending solidarity, it does get easier & more enjoyable.

My son was the same, turned out to have ASD. I obvs didn't know at the time, but I could not go anywhere even to the loo for 2mins. I sorted it by buying a V shape pillow and popping bedding over the pillow so it made a nest. Then he went into the nest next to me in the bed. I also scented his bedding or popped something of mine in his cot with him at night cos he couldn't be in the bed with me at night, my DH would have been a bit perturbed, lol.

Hope this works for you too - it is an unbelievably difficult time that first 12 weeks, it's hard to understand why women have more than 1 child!

Big hugs x

Sorry op, it is so hard, and I did not enjoy the newborn stage… I hope things settle down for you soon. Get any support you can to get some sleep. I tried unsuccessfully to breastfeed, so my dd was formula-fed and she was a good sleeper in all honestly. 4 hour stretches at first then longer, but she has always been an early riser. I always slept when she slept & dh and I did shifts and took turns to sleep. She was in cot beside us for 8 weeks, then in her room - where there was also a bed in case we needed to sleep in there.
Over the years we played her favourite lullabies in her room much of the night, used night lights, drove her around some nights she wouldn’t settle as she would fall asleep in the car, put an item of my clothing in her cot.
Good luck, hold tight and it will improve.

Don't co-sleep or switch to formula. Just remember this stage doesn't last forever.
I'm in my 70's raising my 3rd baby - long story. When I was younger and living in England co-sleeping was considered very dangerous.

This is from here in the U.S:

"In the U.S., bed-sharing (a form of co-sleeping) is
generally not recommended by pediatricians and health organizations like the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP), as it increases the risk of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS), suffocation, and entrapment. The AAP recommends room-sharing (baby in a crib/bassinet in the parents' room) instead of bed-sharing".

Start out how you mean to go on. Get baby used to cot/crib. I find Ewan the sheep is a very helpful tool. I find the 'shh shh shh' mode works the best. I've used mobiles, light shows anything to get the baby to love sleeping in their own bed.

When you get up to feed, or something, do not put lights on or talk to the baby. He'll think it's time to wake up. They have to learn night time is for sleeping.
Believe me, this stage will be over soon.

Sorry I didn’t read all the posts and I see you don’t have a partner. My sister was a single parent from the get go and she formula fed and co-slept with her ds.
We also tried a dummy with our dd but she didn’t take to it. Also a singing / talking (soothing) toy.

Have you tried white noise op? This is what worked for my daughter when she was newborn and would sleep in moses basket. So I put baby in moses basket and tucked in tight and I led in bed beside and then played white noise on my phone using a Mothercare white noise app. The best one was the hair dryer sound! Used a red/amber nightlight too. Worked a treat to get the baby to sleep and then after 20 mins or so I was able to turn off and we would get some sleep

This was me, nearly this time last year with my newborn. It was awful and I’m so sorry you’re at this stage.

My baby was exclusively breastfed and wanted to feed / comfort feed every 2hrs. If this helps then to cope I ended up co sleeping, sleeping on my side with my arm outstretched (apparently it stops you rolling). I was in a single bed against the wall with the next2me crib on the other side, so chance of anyone falling out and no space to actually roll around either.
Yes I didn’t get long stretches of sleep, but I was able to just about survive, I often fell asleep while she was feeding and so would she. Lying down in a bed all night felt more like sleeping too which helped. Partner in a separate room so during the day he was well rested and at weekends when he wasn’t working I could nap, or he’d stay up later if the baby was asleep so I could have a few undisturbed hours.

At 3.5months we were desperate and paid for a night nanny who was with us for 4 nights for sleep training. By night 3 she slept through the night in her own cot, in her own room with no feeding needed and it’s been like that ever since (now 14 months) so it can be done. Found on childcare.co.uk if you wanted to see anyone local to you.

Keep going, things will get easier even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.

Babies generally begin to develop more regular, predictable sleep patterns and recognize day/night cycles
between 3 and 4 months old. While newborns have erratic, 24-hour sleep cycles, most start to sleep longer at night by 4 months.

You cannot tell a mum of a newborn that the baby newborn needs to learn this. 🤦‍♀️

if you want to continue breastfeeding, I wouldn't recommend introducing formula or dummies now. It's not recommended in the first 6 weeks (at least). It may lead to low milk production and breast refusal. Dummies also can shift babies latch. unfortunately There is no guarantees that baby will sleep if you give him formula. I would recommend to read up on fourth trimester, so it would be easier to understand what is happening. Sorry it's not massively helpful sleep wise, I am not against formula at all, just wanted to mention this because literally every post is to introduce formula and it may not be for everyone, a lot of women are very sad when their breastfeeding journey is abruptly finished, before they were ready.
I remember how hard it was when I had a baby, probably the hardest time of my life. My midwife recommended to read up on save sleep 7 and to co sleep and it worked for us very well. I could have full night sleep( with feeding every few hours, laying on my side) But I understand it may not be for everyone, just wanted to give another option

Blackout blinds, white noise, swaddling, next to me crib and a sleepyhead pillow. I also had DH formula feed and take the first shift till 1am. Even if your mum can only do 11pm or 12pm I think that might give you a good start. Both my girls napped in their sleep heads for every nap and made it easy to transfer from next to me to their own room.
unfortunately consistency is key which is so damn hard when you are so tired. Make sure you are eating well for energy and nutrition too as it’s easy to eat junk and then feel worse. Although I did have some chocolate truffles to help with the middle of the night feeds if I was extra zombie like! It will get better I hope soon for you!

Strongly recommend co-sleeping safely under supervision. Side sleeping to let them have the boob in their mouth if they've got a stronger latch.

I fed my DD a small amount of formula at night times from about 4 days old and she instantly started sleeping for 4 hour blocks. The rest of the time I would BF her and I could actually function through the newborn weeks. I eventually weaned her off BF and onto formula full time but to be able to enjoy the first few months of her life the formula feeding at bedtime was a blessing.

Research safe co-sleeping. Seriously. Saved my life (through being able to get some sleep after months of none) and my baby's as I woke instantly when he was choking on awful reflux he had because he was right with me and I woke instantly. If he had been in a cot he wouldn't have made it. Enlist any help you can get to take baby out a walk in the pram for a couple of hours between feeds and try to nap during the day. You may not be able to but it's worth a try as you can't go on like that. It's so awful. It's totally normal for baby to feed every hour or 2 all night long but bloody hell is it hard. I aged about 10 years in that 1st year because of lack of sleep. It may not feel like it right now but it will get better eventually. You're not alone. I don't think we are ever properly informed or prepared for what normal night behaviour is with new babies. They need to feed so frequently day and night - especially night.

Look up Professor Amy Brown online for help with what is normal breastfeeding and normal sleep for babies. Help you understand that, whilst it is horrendous, it's normal. Best wishes.

My daughter would not sleep in the next to me, it was like it was too big. We switched to a mosses basket and it was a game changer. We were told to swaddle babies too, but she detested it and still does. I hope you get some sleep soon.

Does your baby use a dummy/soother? That can really help with them settling to sleep and staying asleep between feeds.

There are some dreadful unsafe advice /replies on here

if you have to co sleep. Read up on it and make sure it’s safe. Def no beans bags - snooze pods- reclining chairs

we have the gentle parenting /co sleeping/breast is best gang v feeding baby/swaddle and leave for a few mins in room by self to settle

yes years ago babies were in own room and put down. Now days on. Have safe sleeping/lullaby trust but also new parents are scared to put baby down for a few mins /in a diff room while they have a wee /make a cuppa

babies sometimes need to cry. Leaving for a few mins isn’t going to hurt them as long as fed and winded

will help your sanity

no one is saying leave your baby to cry for hours and get hysterical but most baby’s need a few mins to self settle

helping your baby self settle is the best thing you can do do them

time it. Usually a few mins but sounds forever to a new mum

equally Fed is best. Those who breast feed will always argue this. Really doesnt matter how you feed or sleep - it’s what some parents have to do to getting through the first 4/6mths

as a maternity practitioner. I have had many mums exclusively breast feed and babies to then go in their own cot /moses basket in room with me

so yes it can be done

formula can help as it is thicker but as long supply is there you can do mixed feeding /expressed ebm or formula top up to give yourself a break

you Asked how much @Jennifer48. Make a 4oz/120 ml bottle and offer it

Baby will take what they want. You won’t over fed a baby this age as they will fall asleep / Pass out hopefully or stop feeding - wind them and swaddle and settle down

it will get better and it’s still very early days for you but you need to get some sleep as sleep deprivation is the worst thing and means your own mental health is at risk

you are no good to your baby if you burn out

cosleeping is the solution. Some babies sleep much better beside their mothers and that’s just the way nature made it. It’s actually not normal for a newborn to sleep separately from their mothers even in animals. Learn to co sleep safely and also learn to few while side lying. It’s a game changer. Enlist all the help you can from family and friends. Stop doing any chores. This too shall pass, seriously. Congratulations

This is so hard. I fully understand. I got my son down in his carrycot (cot/sleepyhead was hopeless) for one hour at 6am my first night home from hospital and everything seemed impossible for weeks

Are you doing all of the following?

1. Dummy
2. loud White noise
3. warm cot with hot water bottle before putting baby in
4. hold baby until completely asleep (floppy arm test) before attempting to put down
5. t shirt/muslin you have worn down as sheet on cot to smell of you.
6. dock a tot/ towel nest (obviously you may have safety concerns but I learned this in a NICU)
7. swaddle /gro snug

I would try as many as possible and then you can try and work out which factor is working!

My son was like this people just don’t understand how bad it can be and assume you are exaggerating. I’m not really sure how I got through.

I did things differently with my daughter. I used to sleep in the middle of the bed and hold her whilst feeding her. I had pillows behind me to make me comfortable and slept sitting up. When I woke up I’d put her gently in her Moses basket/Cot. It wasn’t perfect I was still tired but I wasn’t dangerously sleep deprived.

When my kids were babies I always did what I had to do to get through. Including climbing into the cotbed to sleep with my son so he slept. Remember you aren’t alone. There are others going through this and you will get through it. Good luck.

What are you putting baby in to sleep? I swear by Love To Dream Swaddle Up sleeping bags. My first wouldn’t really go down until I started using them. Used with my 2nd from day 1 and he always gave us at least 2 hour stretches in the cot

OP, on a double bed co sleep, you sleep on one side and baby in their sleeping bag on the other side all blankets and pillows well away from them, studies show co sleeping is much more safe for a breastfeeding mum,

my baby liked to sleep near my tummy for most of his first few weeks. And then we gradually worked our way to him spending most the night in his next to me cot. He’s such a little dream but it has taken time. He’s 5 months

Consider getting a rockit rockr you attach to a pushchair but I put it on the Moses basket for my daughter as she would never settle in a cot, and it lightly rocks so it helped her stay asleep,

and finally pop baby in cot and stroke face or tummy a few times before moving away and back into bed to help them settle

and also don’t rule out a dummy

This is the hardest time and honestly you will get through it. The pressure of responsibility being his sole carer and lack of sleep must be horrific and no wonder your mental health is suffering. Here is what we did and yes people on here will be critical:

1. use a sleep sack it makes baby snuggly and contained but safe
2. I placed the Moses basket next to my bed that helped with soothing baby
3. we love the purflo best pod so you can bedshare
4. we were desperate and introduced a dummy a few weeks in - total life saver
5. formula feeding and make sure it’s around 90ml or more for their last feed. I was combo feeding up until 7 weeks when I switched to exclusively formula feeding and our little girl slept through the night.
6. our thinking was try to get the calories in during the day so baby doesn’t wake at night
7. my husband was abroad with work for ten days when little girl was a few weeks old. My mum came to help and I wasn’t going to ask her to do the night shift so I did all of the nights but in the morning when my mum was up 7am I handed baby over and slept for a few hours. This worked really well

Does your cot have the ability to raise one side higher than the other. Just thinking as my LO (now 17wo) had reflux and all the mucous when she was born which was a nightmare for putting her flat on her back. Raising one side of the cot was a gamechanger.

Also, we got this warming pad - https://www.hollandandbarrett.com/shop/product/beurer-not-a-hot-water-bottle-heat-pad-hk44-60049726

Popped it in the cot to warm it while feeding and it made the transfer from warm skin to the cot a LOT easier.

I promise, it does get better. Trial and error will get you to the right set up that works for your baby and the joy will come. You’re doing the hardest thing and it will have a massive reward in the end. Keep on trucking and getting sleep during the day where you can.

Edited a typo

Hi OP,

Ahh I feel so awful for you. I have a 2.5 year old and 6 month old twins so this stage is very fresh in my mind! My babies were premmies so we had an extra long time of the newborn stage! I’m assuming this is your first baby and with my older one I didn’t really know what to expect or when it would end, the sleep deprivation has actually been easier with the twins because I know what to expect. Sleep will change and you will get longer stretches soon- i found that things suddenly started to get easier (or just slightly better so I got some sleep) at the 6/8 week mark when I just started getting no enough sleep to not be living minute to minute. I think this is quite common, and if this does continue as it is right now I would be starting to look at speaking to someone to explore there isn’t anything else going on (like reflux and gas, which we did have with my twins and impacted upon sleep immensely until it was treated)

So a few things I learnt and have worked - dummy and tight swaddle (love to dream was always the best). Nowadays once breastfeeding is established dummies are recommended until roughly 6 months as they reduce the risk of SIDS. The sucking is comforting and the swaddle prevent the Moro reflex from waking him and will keep him with the snug feeling. White noise is also going to help both you and your baby when you do eventually end up with them sleeping next to you in their cot. We also used a next to me chicco cot which was similar to co-sleeping but not, I could have my hand on my baby at all times if I wanted. I didn’t end up able to breast feed with mine because it turned out he just was too hungry and couldn’t satisfy himself with my milk alone, so he would be waking constantly for food, feeding for long periods and then cranky a lot of the time. As soon as we started formula feeding (only at night initially) he started sleeping much more soundly and for longer.

I think once you put those things in place you might be able to euppprt your baby to fall asleep in you and then transfer them without waking them (that’s the key). Try to warm the cot bed before you lay him down too. Once they are a bit older you can start doing some practice of putting down drowsy and awake, but now isn’t the time for that.

I would try those things to give him the best chance of being able to stay asleep for a couple of hours before his next feed, but if he really isn’t happy still it might be that he does just need you to sleep right now and you will need to find other ways to get yourself some rest during the day time hours with not having the support at night. When we were really struggling with our twins (me and my husband had to take it in turns to stay up all night) we did get a night nanny for a couple of ‘break nights’ because we were so exhausted and that massively reset everything for us. It wasn’t cheap but when you’re absolutely desperate sometimes things are necessary. They can just hold your baby and stay awake all night, bringing them to you when they need a feed.

good luck OP- it will be a distant memory soon :)