Please help Newborn baby - I can't go on with no sleep.

[Jennifer48]

I am posting because my mental health is taking a battering due to sleep deprivation since I gave birth to my beautiful baby on 26 January. I have slept just a few scattered hours since then. The nights are excruciating: the baby doesn't sleep at nights, he certainly doesn't settle in the cot and just howls if he isn't at my breast/stomach or on a pillow in front of me, and obviously I can't sleep in that position.
I am, after a shaky start, breastfeeding him, which I am glad about, but if me getting sleep entails moving on to formula, I will do it but I want to make sure it will definitely result in my getting sleep because that's what's breaking me. I manage to express some milk but giving it to him at night does has no impact on the situation at all. His nappies and weight gain are all good and he is back at his birth weight so he is getting sufficient nutrition from the breast, but won't sleep anywhere other than against my chest, stomach or on a pillow in front of me for longer than five minutes- and obviously I can't fall asleep in that position. I hear parents talk about getting three or four hours or sleep with envy; I literally have got none the past two nights and was almost delirious, I nearly fell with him in my arms last night (thankfully I didn't).
I've heard that's not unusual for a baby not to stay in the cot but I've also heard this phase could go on for weeks or months.. but I am at breaking point now- imagining things, feeling extremely low. There is no joy in this.

I know lots of people who put baby in their own room immediately after coming out of hospital. I didn't, but many did. Mine were in their own room by 6 months.

I had a next to me cot that was basically an extension of the bed, just ever so slightly lower. I did C shape cosleeping position in case I did fall asleep, but often when he was asleep I could gently slide him over onto the cot without disturbing him.

Christ on a bike, OP, please do not sleep in a recliner chair with the baby, whatever you do. It’s one of the riskiest things to do in terms of safer sleep practice and I have seen 2 babies die of positional asphyxiation from sleeping this way (chairs or sofas) in my career. 2 babies is two too many. Do not do it, please.

Although we know their own separate sleep space is safest, not many babies fresh out the womb settle in their cots alone. It’s biologically normal for him to want to be as close as possible to you, it’s his little baby instincts trying to keep him as safe as possible. I recommend having a look at this: https://www.lullabytrust.org.uk/baby-safety/safer-sleep-information/co-sleeping/ and setting yourself and you sleep space up to bed share in the safest way possible.

There is no evidence that says formula will make your baby sleep longer or deeper than breast milk. Have a think about what you want to do long term feeding wise and work towards that. If you want to exclusively breast feed then make choices to support that. perhaps look at some YouTube videos of the side lying feeding position and get baby used to that.

If you want to combi feed breast milk and formula longer term then get your mum on board with the bottle, show her some videos of paced bottle feeding online so she can see what she needs to be doing.

Other things to consider are dummies and swaddling with a thin blanket like a cellular blanket or an XL muslin.

Just know, that this really difficult phase doesn’t last long. You will sleep, at some point, and these memories will turn foggy and you’ll remember it like a newborn haze.

Sounds like you’re doing a beautiful job, he’s feeding and growing well… and you’re doing that as a single parent. Keep trugging a long and reach out for some extra midwife or HV support if you need it. Sometimes just chatting it through with someone can help.

Midwife & HV. X

Agree. And you get really good at the breast-feeding half asleep thing, without having to move more than a couple of centimetres!

My first baby was like that. Cosleeping was the answer I found to getting sleep. If you cosleep you don't need to get up at night except for nappy changes if needed (and I had everything ready to minimise moving out of the bed) It doesn't need to be forever just to get through the next weeks, although I really loved cosleeping so kept on doing it.

A bottle only replaces one problem with another in my view (having to wake up and make the baby the bottle etc)

Make sure you are eating good quality protein. Drink milk yourself. Eat foods with Magnesium ( for sleep) Never follow a slimming diet. Give baby warm bath most days. Learn to SWADDLE baby. Get BLACKOUT curtains. Baby's body's are very tuned in to HABIT, so aim for no actions during the night. No Bright lights, minimum actions. If baby is less than 10 pounds . .discourage nappychangjng during g the night.
Aim for NO ACTION during the night except ONE FEED. By using always same routine because baby's get anxious from different routines.
Keep room DARK.
Warm Bath before bed.
Swaddle baby.

It wasn’t rude.

Make up a bottle with 2-3 ounces (60-90mls) in it - know you asked how much to make. Once you feel comfortable giving a bottle then show your mum how to give it too. Another suggestion would be to put a hot water bottle in Moses basket before baby lies in it. Sometimes it’s just that it’s cooler.

Have you tried swaddling hip OP? Or putting a t-shirt that smells of too near him in his or/moses basket? Good luck!

We also coslept. Hadn't planned to, but after three nights of trying and failing settle DC in the crib I thought, stuff this!

I exclusively breastfed but never managed to do it lying down. Still better just rolling the baby off the boob once they'd fallen asleep on to the bed though than getting up.

I did sleep when the baby slept. So sometimes would just stay in bed alternating between sleeping and breastfeeding from 3am to noon or something.

Try putting a hot water bottle in his bed to warm it up, he might just think he’s snuggling up to you , obviously take the bottle out when you lay him down , hope this helps .

I ebf and ds bf up to age 2 and I introduced a dummy at 4 weeks. That did help with reflux and getting him to lay in the cot. Have you looked into reflux or excessive wind? Ds was able to feed and he did gain weight but he had a tongue tie and that caused us lots of issues until I got it cut.

I also found the happy co sleeper on Instagram really helpful for safe co sleeping advice and guidance and I spoke to my midwife and health visitor about it.

It's really tough and you are not alone with this. Are you part of a bf support group? Would you be in a position to pay a post partum doula?

When you say it's really affecting your mental health, what is that actually like for you? Just because that could mean different things to different people. I know for me the less sleep I got the worse my intrusive thoughts were, but for others that could mean feeling suicidal or very down, or experiencing psychosis. If you don't want to discuss on here that's absolutely fine but it's imperative you speak to your hv and gp about it. I was nervous to, but it was the best thing I could have done.

The purflo baby nest made a big difference to me. Things get better between 6-8 weeks regardless of whether you use formula or breast milk in my experience. Do you have a close friend who could feed the baby some expressed breast milk and let you sleep ? I know it’s difficult to ask but I would imagine most friends would 100 percent be more than happy to help you out. It’s just so hard

This is untrue. Statistically mums who breastfeed on average get more sleep than formula feeding counterparts.

OP - had you tried swaddling the baby when putting them in a Moses basket or cot. You do it so so much tighter than you’d expect and that gives them the comfort to sleep by themselves . Saved me with two babies (by myself).

Look up the video on YouTube by aden & anais from October 2015 called “how to swaddle a baby”.

give baby some formula and co sleep. Good luck 🙂

I'm so sorry for you, OP, as I well remember when my DS was like this, and he's now 36!
Sleep deprivation is a form of torture.
I hope you manage to find something that helps you.

OP this sounds really tough. Aside from formula - have you tried anything else to help with the sleep? Sorry I haven't read the full thread but here are some things to consider other than formula, if it will help too:

• White noise machine (Shaun the sheep, music from your phone, whatever you've got)
• Dummy
• tilting the cot (in case of reflux?)
• rocking baby (you can get little attachments that go on the pram or cot and rock / vibrate it - I think one is called a "rock-it")
• assess for tongue tie? Just in case baby struggles to feed quickly enough before they fall asleep
• try giving a soft comforter to help baby settle and see if that helps?

I had a friend who's baby had lots of little breast "snacks" rather than one big feed, so often didn't go for as long before they got hungry. Could you fill a bottle and see how much they take - rather than limiting it to 20ml or so and see if they sleep any longer?

Other things that helped was getting parents to take baby out in the day in the pram while I tried to rest / nap.

• taking baby out in the car til they fall asleep in the car seat, then nap in the car till they wake up

Honestly the first few days are the worst, i had a really unsettled baby like you and she often would only sleep in 45 minute stints. It was torture. I couldn't feed in bed either as she was just too small so she couldn't latch on that way. Absolutely nothing helped and she wouldn't take a dummy. We had to rock her for every single sleep or nap, or I had to feed her to sleep. She did grow out of it eventually, I know that's no help right now.

Sending hugs!

Solidarity. Newborn phase is hard.
formula doesn’t necessarily result in more sleep at all. I will attach evidence for this from basis (sleep research facility at Durham university)
honestly with all the formula recalls these days I would avoid it if you can.
you absolutely can sleep with baby on or near your breast-side lying cuddle curl position on a bed set up for the safe sleep seven rules. I will attach the guide led for these too if I can.
are you in a good breastfeeding group on FB or in real life? Like la Leche league and if you’re in the UK the breastfeeding network. The breastfeeding network has a 24hr helpline for mums also. 0300 100 0212.
farm out all other tasks to husband and family and friends, your job is literally to feed the baby. Don’t try and do anything else. Get a newborn baby wrap so you can potter about in the day with baby on your chest.
you need to master feeding lying down in order to maximise your own rest. This saved my sanity as a mum of 3 breastfed boys. Ask your HV to help you or get an IBCLC to the house to help. Ask them to check for any to tongue ties aswell.
totally normal for a baby to hate the cot. They’ve lived inside your body all their lives up until a couple of weeks ago. https://llli.org/news/the-safe-sleep-seven/

https://www.basisonline.org.uk/infant-sleep-biology/#feeding

sarahockwell-smith.com/2012/11/04/the-fourth-trimester-aka-why-your-newborn-baby-is-only-happy-in-your-arms/

I don’t often post on here but this struck a cord with me as not too long ago I was in a very similar situation although my baby was formula fed from the get go. And still she did not sleep without being held for the first 5 months of her life. And even trying co sleeping, she had to be held, wouldn’t go on the bed next to me. I got through it taking it in shifts with my partner which is clearly useless advice in your situation. My partner went away with work for a few days when I was 6 weeks in and I can’t even imagine what it would be like for you constantly with no end in sight.
I have no advice, just solidarity that it is so hard, so so so hard beyond belief and I feel for you. You’re doing great. Something just clicked for my baby at 5 months and she decided the next to me was fine after all but I hope you get some relief sooner than that. There was a poem called all I see is you by Jessica ulrichs. It’ll make you cry but my god it got me through the toughest of nights.

theres no evidence that formula helps baby sleep. Babies just want to be close by. Can you set up safe cosleeping; and do side lying breastfeeding? That helped me get so much more sleep. Or do you have a partner who can hold baby whilst you get a block of sleep?

Definitely don’t but baby in their own room.
it increases their risk of SIDS.
See lullaby trust guidelines online.
keep baby in same room as you for a bare minimum of 6 months.

After the first few weeks my baby was formula fed - last bottle 10pm slept until 3am woke for a bottle, back down until 7. From 8 weeks he slept through until we hit a 10 month regression after that he slept through again until we hit a few more regressions now at 3 he still sleeps 7.30ish - 7. Do what’s best for you and baby 🥰

Ah, I massively feel for you. I'd definitely start with a dummy just to see - midwives say not to - I think they're not great for sleepy babies who may suck the dummy rather than feed but if you have an awake one who loves to suck they can be great. I left it too late with my DS (6 weeks) so he didn't really take to it but it helped loads with DD (both breastfed exclusively to 6 months+).

I'd also cosleep and get a cosleeper/side crib to slide him into in the night if possible. I didn't have to with my second but with my first it absolutely saved me (I was also mostly single while he was a baby) as he just wanted to feed all night. Just look up how to do it in the safest possible way - no duvet, just blankets etc. IMO, it is safer to plan to cosleep and put everything in place for it to be safe than fall asleep accidentally in an unsafe position eg on a sofa or surrounded by pillows etc.

I’d imagine that’s ones who co sleep. Which isn’t recommended either. There is just so much conflicting information out there that it’s infuriating