Please help Newborn baby - I can't go on with no sleep.

[Jennifer48]

I am posting because my mental health is taking a battering due to sleep deprivation since I gave birth to my beautiful baby on 26 January. I have slept just a few scattered hours since then. The nights are excruciating: the baby doesn't sleep at nights, he certainly doesn't settle in the cot and just howls if he isn't at my breast/stomach or on a pillow in front of me, and obviously I can't sleep in that position.
I am, after a shaky start, breastfeeding him, which I am glad about, but if me getting sleep entails moving on to formula, I will do it but I want to make sure it will definitely result in my getting sleep because that's what's breaking me. I manage to express some milk but giving it to him at night does has no impact on the situation at all. His nappies and weight gain are all good and he is back at his birth weight so he is getting sufficient nutrition from the breast, but won't sleep anywhere other than against my chest, stomach or on a pillow in front of me for longer than five minutes- and obviously I can't fall asleep in that position. I hear parents talk about getting three or four hours or sleep with envy; I literally have got none the past two nights and was almost delirious, I nearly fell with him in my arms last night (thankfully I didn't).
I've heard that's not unusual for a baby not to stay in the cot but I've also heard this phase could go on for weeks or months.. but I am at breaking point now- imagining things, feeling extremely low. There is no joy in this.

Formula? Pacifier?

My baby hated swaddling. As soon as I stopped it his sleep improved dramatically. Not for all babies. Just a thought. Wish I could suggest more.

It will get better. That I do know. 🌸

Oh dear. You’re one of THOSE mums who like to pontificate and pronounce negative judgment on others for their perfectly reasonable choices.

FED IS BEST.

I had my only DC in my forties so I was beyond caring about ‘being nice’. I used to go to a new mums group and take my bottle of formula just to piss off the sanctimonious woman who ran it as she was such a preachy cow to some of the younger slightly anxious mums.

If it's colic, perhaps try these probiotic drops. My pediatrician recommended them to me. https://uk.biogaia.com/?aw_affid=77649&source=aw&awc=83423_1770481178_d9606e6f9b3036977551bfc2dcadbc66

I absolutely do not pass judgment on how anyone wants to feed their baby. I am a huge advocate for formula and/or stopping or not even trying breastfeeding. I believe mums mental health comes first. I believe people can feed their babies any which way they like.

But, you said fed is best. And actually, Breastmilk is best. That is a fact. Why are you so keen to discourage this new mother from breastfeeding when that is NOT her issue here?!

You sound very, very worked up in your post. Breastfeeding releases oxytocin, maybe that’s why.

Has he completely disappeared though or would he not be willing to have his baby overnight sometimes?

There is no evidence that formula will make a baby sleep longer than breastfeeding. The issue is baby wanting to be close to you. Google the fourth trimester: baby doesn’t know you are separate people/understand they are out of the womb yet. Things will definitely improve in the next couple of weeks. Baby is growing at the fastest rate they ever will and need slightly more milk each day. Crying stimulants your breasts to increase milk production to match the need of your baby. This is essentially the case in the evening when baby is trying to increase your milk over night. Constant night waking is also a natural built in defence against SIDS. Baby is not developmentally able to sleep for longer stretches yet.

My advice is to try feeding in a position where you find it easier to very slowly and sneakily put baby down in the cot without waking. (It took me a while to establish bfing and DD was very sensitive to anyone trying to put her down so I am well practiced in this) Don’t move as soon as baby is asleep, try and wait at least five minutes so they are in a bit of a deeper sleep.

Is cot in highest position so you don’t have to bend over? Have cot as close as possible so baby can smell you. When baby is a little older, baby sleeping bags are really good for helping them feel secure when they sleep. (Mine hatted to swaddle) Blackout blinds. White or pink noise. Sleep with a thin muslin between your breasts to get your smell then put that in the cot tucked in same away from babies head so baby thinks you are still there.

You have my sympathies as this stage is intense but first two weeks is the worst so things should feel a little easier soon.

I did this too. Co sleeping and breastfeeding whilst laying down saved me

I was not encouraging her to switch, I was saying she shouldn’t feel guilty if she does. She needs to do what’s best for her and baby. I also mentioned that doing a mix is possible.

Sorry to hear OP. It’s really tough.

My first was BF and a good sleeper. Second formula fed from birth and he’s always been a bad sleeper. As a newborn, I ended up co sleeping with him and put bed guards on either side of bed.

He did end up having CMPA so maybe that contributed to his bad sleeping.

I am sure there is lots of useful advice but as I look at my almost adult child now I can vividly remember the horrendous nights. My first born screamed all night for the first year. I started to hear noises and the hallucinations were just frightening. Once my mum stayed over with the baby in another room and in our sleep deprived sleep we began searching for her in our bedding as we could hear her muffled cries. You can’t begin to imagine it unless you have been through it. I developed terrible migraines and I was in a trance when I had to go back to work. Second baby even worse!

ultimately we should have got a night nanny to help us weather the storm. My mum came over and helped lots which just gave us a few nights to get a full night’s sleep and recharge but we should have employed a professional to help. I had a few other mums complain about lack of sleep when their baby was only waking up once or twice a night. I was there going i’m waking up every hour and you think you have got problems!! It’s was so depressing and there was no joy to that first year of being a parent at all.

but OP. It does pass. You will get through it. But you need respite. Some babies won’t sleep through until they are ready no matter what you do.

Can I ask if you breastfed though? Only because my experience of breastfeeding just wouldn't have been compatible with this at all, and I do think that's relevant as op is breastfeeding.

Op I will say that my baby fell asleep in the car and in the pram because the movement helped rock him to sleep, it was hard to transfer him from car seat to cot and didn't always work, but I would sometimes take him out for a walk in the pram and once he was asleep, wheel him back indoors and leave him asleep on his back in the pram and have a nap until he woke up again. As he got bigger he could feed to sleep and then just be put down, I think as a newborn he still had something called a startle reflex which made him wake up on his back and rocking to sleep was the answer.

I wish you sleep soon x

I ended up cosleeping with my second and it was such a difference.

You poor thing, i really feel for you.
I was in a similar situation years ago. I was becoming unwell, was delirious from lack of sleep and felt myself slipping into depression.

I switched to formula at night and it was life changing for both me and my baby.

I did this against the very strong advice of the public health nurse who said that baby would experience nipple confusion and would reject the breast (didn't happen but even if it did....?).

Her advice was to persevere as things would get better, that the first six weeks are the hardest etc.

I was sitting in front of her crying at the time, not having slept for three nights and thinking that i did not want to continue living. So zero respect here for the 'breast is the only way' brigade.

Yes, it probaby would have got better but a few weeks is a very long time without sleep and at what cost to my mental health?

I had a very hungry baby and the formula was thicker and kept my baby fuller for longer.

With my second child I used formula from the start. I received criticism from the midwives and strong encouragement to breastfeed but i held firm as I knew that it was best for me and I knew that my baby would be fine.

Both kids are grown up now and are healthly and happy with good immune systems and no allergies!

I think 'happy mum, happy baby'.

You don"t have to justify yourself to anyone, do what's best for yourself in this situation, and that in turn is what's best for.your baby.

I, myself, am one of four children, all bottlefed and all healthy.

(Trick for putting sleeping baby into cot - warm the bedding slightly with a hot water bottle!)

Best of luck xx

Could you remove your bed frame and co sleep on a mattress on the floor? With no partner to take up space in the bed, co sleeping will be the best and nicest way for you to get enough sleep at this stage.

I had similar with dd 2. She woke every hour all night for the first 3 months and it was hellish. I had a 3 year old too. The baby wanted bf constantly, it was brutal, she was like an enormous grub.
I was lucky to have lots of support from gparents and took the opportunity to nap when they visited.
It passed, hang on in there x

Read up on co-sleeping. Lie on your side and covers below baby and try. It is such a relief to get sleep and realise done correctly you can rest. I found it much easier without DH in the bed too!

My first was born 2004, also put to sleep in his crib for all naps from day one. Soley breastfed did 7 hours at 10 weeks, 8-6 by 12 weeks. Perfectly possible with a breastfed baby he was only left to cry once for 5 minutes.

I was a single mum with a baby who didn’t sleep and wouldn’t be put down. The trick for me was to just go with it, cosleep and breastfeed on demand. He never slept in a cot, even once!

everything is a phase and this will pass, following baby’s schedule is easiest. He won’t get the difference between day and night yet but it won’t be long.

Breastfeeding a cosleeping baby is great cos neither of you really have to wake up, whereas with bottles there’s all that palaver in the middle of the night.

The problem is that whatever works for 1 baby doesn't necessarily work for others. You need to find what does work for you and your baby.
Mine hated lots of things that are routinely suggested including here. Swaddling, dummies, Moses baskets. All caused more screaming more unsettled behaviour. I didn't rock them because it didn't soothe at all.
My youngest, in particular, liked to be left alone on his cot wide awake.
What I'm saying OP, is you need to find out what soothes yours. You have been given advice, you need to try and see what works. And I did do controlled crying because it helped them to self soothe, which meant we all got to sleep. Clearly not as a newborn but from about 6 months.
It will pass.

Oh I feel for you! It's so exhausting, especially at the beginning, and your baby is still so young. Have you looked at co sleeping in your bed (the NHS shares the safest way to do this). It'd be much better than you exhausted falling asleep in a chair or sofa without meaning to.

My third baby would only sleep on me. I eventually made myself a propped up position with pillows for myself under each arm, and slept with him like that. I shared with the midwife that this was what it had come to, and she supported me to make it as safe as I could. I definitely needed time with someone holding him during the day so I could catch up a bit of sleep.

Bottles might make a difference but honestly some babies just don't sleep for long periods at a time. And waking is a SIDS preventative so even though it's so awful for us, it's actually completely normal and healthy for a baby. It's not always about breastmilk Vs formula. My most recent only ever slept for an hour or at most two (rarely) at a time before wanting his next feed/comfort. That went on for months (even after he had started sleeping flat rather than in my arms)

Keep trying different ways to get baby to sleep in his cot or bassinet. This could include swaddling arms in or arms out, having a shirt of yours under him to smell like you, trying a swing for naps during the day, etc. It's so tough though - I've been there where they just will not lie in the cot no matter what you do!

Obviously every baby is different but my son - gave him formula at 10 days old as he was hungry all the time and was getting no sleep, it massively improved his sleep. Bf my daughter for 5 months - terrible sleeper, looking back I don’t know why I put us both through it, I certainly didn’t enjoy that time and became quite depressed.

I agree with what you said 1000%.

The reason we prioritise baby’s wellbeing is their brains are in a crucial stage of development and ours are not. We will bounce back if we lose sleep for a few months, whereas a neglected baby will be affected for life. If baby’s brain gets flooded with cortisol in the first years, it will have life long consequences. There are options for mum to get more sleep which people already mentioned here, without jeopardising baby’s wellbeing

I had my first in 1993 and we co slept , I had plenty of friends with babies at the time and nobody I know put their baby in its own bedroom .

This was me 15 years ago and 12 years ago. It was hell - both times. However, the biggest breakthrough was with my second baby, realizing that my babies had reflux (which is why they cried constantly when lying down on their backs and would only sleep upright on me). I received the best advice from a nurse who advised me that a dairy allergy is the most common cause of reflux. So I went dairy free and continued to breastfeed and within a few weeks it all improved dramatically. Going on formula, if they do have a dairy allergy could make it a lot worse! Mine were back on dairy at 18 months old and still have it to this day, so it didn't have any long term effects. I highly recommend this approach.